BING BONG: The Arrival of the NBA Playoffs
Yes, we are a little late to the party here, as the playoffs technically started over this past weekend, but 1) in this house we respect a holiday weekend and 2) these playoffs all take place in best of 7 series so we will be watching them until, no joke, JUNE and 3) we had a post about the NBA (a subject which, to remind you, we do not typically cover!) all set up and ready after Katrina & I attending a Knicks game (BING BONG BING BONG BING BONG) but squarespace deleted it cruelly so!!!!! Deal with the delay people we are here now and that’s all that matters!
The Losers
Nothing like starting off a post about the post season by talking about the teams that aren’t participating! Speaking of the Knicks! We saw those kids put up a very classic Knicks performance a few weeks ago against LaMelo Ball’s Charlotte Hornets (The Balls are, of course, the Kardashians of the Basketball world, LaMelo is definitely Kim, which would make Lonzo Kourtney and the other one Khloe, if we’re sticking to traditional Kardashian dynamics). What’s a classic Knicks performance you may ask? Oh sweet naive readers. To not know the Knicks are going to lose a home game (that they managed to keep close for 3 of the 4 quarters), is a blissful ignorance we envy deeply. So, anyhoo, despite all our bings and all our bongs, the Knicks are NOT in this playoff conversation. Who else didn’t make it to the party? Lebron James’ Lakers, despite pouring a ton of money into their game plan, have shown their age this year after a series of injuries to Bron and his partner in crime Anthony Davis. Combining that with a failed Russell Westbrook experiment, they didn’t even make the play-in tournament that King James spurned a year ago. Other shitty teams: The Orlando Magic (a team I frequently forget exists), the Indiana Pacers, the Detroit Pistons, the Washington Wizards, the Houston Rockets, the OKC Thunder, the Portland Trailblazers, and the Sacramento Kings. Good luck with your rebuilding projects everyone!
The PLAY IN TOURNAMENT
In an effort to make the Regular Season More Exciting, Adam Silver (aka Nosferatu) and the gang at the NBA came up with this game plan to thwart the tactic of Tanking (smh as if relegation DOESN’T EXIST it’s RIGHT THERE as an option folks! Send the Orlando Magic to the G League!!!!!!!) by expanding the playoff picture and adding in this little tourney. The 7-10 seeds go college style in a some one-off games to determine who gets to play in the actual playoffs- but with a small twist (because the 7 seeds would have been irritated otherwise) that the higher ranked teams get 2 chances to survive. The 7 seed plays the 8 seed, the 9 seed plays the 10 seed, and then the loser of the 7/8 game plays the winner of the 9/10 game. It’s kinda dumb and definitely too complicated but, as a shadow Pelicans fan, in my opinion it is perfect!
This year, in the EAST, Atlanta played dunked on Charlotte (FUCK TRAE YOUNG HE IS BALDING), and the Nets easily cruised ahead of the Cavs. The Cavs then BLEW IT and allowed the Hawks to advance. In the WEST, The Pelicans beat the Spurs, the Timberwolves (why does minnesota need an NBA team? Our Top Story Tonight!) beat the Clippers, and then the cursed life of a clippers fan continued as they lost to the Pelicans in the second round.
The Match Ups
THE EAST
Miami Heat vs. Atlanta Hawks
As matchups go, this is by far the least interesting to me, although I did go to a Miami Heat game once when Lebron was playing for them, back when I was in high school and on a swimming training trip. Come for the sports takes, stay for the non sequitur personal anecdotes! The Heat should be able to put this series away without too much difficulty, and to be honest, with all this other basketball happening, I wouldn’t get too wrapped up in catching these games.
Philly 76ers vs Toronto Raptors
At face value, this matchup also should not be that interesting, but in a spicy turn of events, there have been 3 tidbits of drama that have piqued our interest. I mean, people are going to tune into this anyway (maybe that’s my east coast bias showing), because the world loves Joel Embiid (our Cameroonian sweetheart with a heart of gold and an MVP level season going for him so far), but these games were kind of a “if I have nothing else to watch” kind of vibe before:
1) There was a VAX STATUS REVEAL thanks to Canadian vax limitations still being in place. 76ers will head to the away games without Matisse Thybulle (is he named after the artist? maybe!), who says he was raised in a household that focused on “holistic medicine” and though he did get the first dose of his vax, he didn’t follow up because he found out it wasn’t a million percent effective (shock! awe!). I guess he prefers 0% effective!
2) There has been a little smack talk! The Raptors, already plagued with injuries, lost Scottie Barnes after the first game when Joel Embiid did a lil accidental stomp (accidental in my opinion, and that of everyone outside of toronto) and since then tensions! have! run! high! Last night Embiid was heard telling Raptor’s coach Nick Nurse to “Stop bitching” at him for getting players in foul trouble. Spicy spicy spicy!
3) James Harden, the Regina George of the NBA (very popular, very annoying, maybe evil) is not looking incredible. Speculations abound re: the source of his poor play (maybe he’s just overrated…just saying!), Harden claims he never reeeally recovered from his now infamous hamstring injury, but either way the man’s got no LIFT and he’s moving pretty slow.
Milwaukee Bucks vs Chicago Bulls
A local rivalry! Had plans for a fast train not been scrapped because this country hates infrastructure, all these games could feel like home games for both teams! But we’re not here to talk about our passion for trains, we’re here to talk about my passion for pronouncing Giannis Antetokounmpo’s name as GEEannis instead of Yannis to annoy every white man who learned how to pronounce his name. Simple pleasures! You might notice the Bucks as the team that won the whole shebang last year, and you might know Giannis because he is Nigerian-Greek and plays with his brother and tells dad jokes in press conferences and is, in general, a pretty great dude. You might also know Jrue Holladay (another great dude) who followed up last year’s ring with a trip to the Olympics. The point is, we know the Bucks we love the Bucks, their logo is great, Wisconsin doesn’t really need a basketball team but I love how wholeheartedly they support these dudes. The Bulls, aka the team that Michael Jordan played for are apparently not bad anymore! They gave Milwaukee a little bit of a run for their money in the first game, but this shouldn’t be too tough a challenge.
Brooklyn Nets vs Boston Celtics
A tale as old as time: New York versus Boston. This is, by far, the most thrilling match up of the first round. The first game ended with a buzzer beater hoop by Celtics star Jayson Tatum. Kyrie Irving has been flipping off Celtics fans at every opportunity. The Egos are big and the stakes are bigger! This one is probably going to go to all seven games if we’re lucky, as both teams are playing their filthiest basketball to date. Is pretty? GOD NO. The Nets are benefitting from the world (read: NYC Government) forgetting Covid exists and so Kyrie Irving can play every game (see if Massachusetts was SMART they would enact a vaxx mandate to limit Kyrie’s playing time but, alas!), Kevin Durant, though a little bit battle-tested at this point, is back from his injury, and that is about their only plan re: offense. They have no plan right now re: defense. Just going BALLS TO THE WALLS! Comment if you think Katrina and I should spend a million dollars to go see one of these games. And by comment, I mean venmo us. Good journalism costs subscribers money!
THE WEST
Arizona Suns vs New Orleans Pelicans
I truly didn’t think it was possible for New Orleans to have a post season? My only memories are of days past, when they were doomed to face off against the Warriors each year and get blazed down on the trail to victory. Speaking of TrailBlazers, thanks to some savvy trading by the pelicans (and some outright tanking on the part of Portland), CJ McCollum plays for them now, which is a big reason why they’re here. NOT a big reason why they’re here: No. 1 draft pick Zion Williamson who, in my unprofessional opinion, has played roughly 5 minutes as a Pelican and has spent the rest of his time on the team struggling with injuries. We hate to see it! Now the big easy has a very steep uphill battle to advance in this match up, considering the Suns are powered by a fanbase of White Men Who Wear Tank Tops And Do Coke and they made it to the final last year, and they have one of the best coaches in the game, but nothing is impossible. The Suns ALSO have a bonus power up via star Devin Booker, who is dating Kendall Jenner (the lowest Kardashian imho), and therefore has Kris Jenner working to help them win. HOWEVER he may have gotten injured in game 2 (leaving the series tied!) so tune in to see what happens next.
Dallas Mavericks vs Utah Jazz
The first and main thing that you need to know here is that once Katrina and I were trying to name all the NBA teams off the top of our heads (which I am sure some of you think is an easy task but again, reminder, we DO NOT WATCH PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL and low key had no clue how many teams were in the league) and the Mavericks were literally playing a game on the TV behind us and we forgot about them and then when we remembered that Dallas had a team we looked at the logo and said, “what are they, the Dallas Horses?”. And I think that’s beautiful! The Horses (yes, I am sticking with it) head into this series WITHOUT their star player and favorite in the MVP race Luka Doncic (yes, he is hot, and yes, he is Slovenian!), who has some kind of calf injury. Tbd on when he will be back, so everyone else has to STEP IT UP in the meantime. The Jazz, who you may remember I strongly dislike for their inability to adapt to their location (for example: why you still have Mardi Gras colors? Why are you leaning into the Jazz Motif? YOU ARE IN UTAH!!!!!!!), and star defensive player Rudy Gobert aka the STIFLE TOWER should put this series away with Luka on the sidelines.
Golden State Warriors vs Denver Nuggets
You know him, you love him, it’s the Steph Curry show!!!!! (Insert image of steph running down the stairs like Ellen as crowd dances and hijinks ensue). Steph is, as always, doing amazing sweetie! The Warriors have had a pretty solid year, without the injuries that have marked their downfall in recent seasons. The gangs all here: Draymond Green, Klay Thompson, and some man named Quinndary Weatherspoon (no notes, perfect name).The Nuggets have America’s 2nd favorite Eastern European, Serbian star Nikola Jokic, and Demarcus Cousins and TBH that’s all I know! They also put a little rainbow on their jerseys and have very good graphic design. If they were playing anyone else we would stan, but our hometown-in-law is the Bay Area, so Warriors it is.
Memphis Grizzlies vs Minnesota Timberwolves
If Nets-Celtics is our favorite match up of this first round, this one is probably the closest to a second place there could be. The Grizzlies are a young team that are just thrilling to watch, led by Ja Morant who is having a great year. The Grizzlies are a puzzle for me because on the one hand I like them, on the other hand there are no grizzly bears in Memphis, so maybe they need a rebrand. They face decent opposition in the Timberwolves however, with Karl Anthony Towns ALSO having a great year, and Anthony Edwards ain’t too bad either. The Timberwolves have pretty solid logos working in their favor as well, we love the little trees they put on things, so that’s something to consider. The point is, regardless as to whether you have a Maverick in this race or not, these games are fun to watch and everyone is talking about these teams.
The Upshot
This round of games is just the first in a loooooooooooong march to the NBA Finals, each round of which will be a best of 7 sitch, so buckle up for a few more months of basketball. This is exactly the reason why we don’t watch all year round- if your playoff season is more than two weeks long, I am not interested in it! But, that being said, we love to stay educated and we love to feel smart, so for that reason alone it’s worth tuning in a little bit. If you want more action, the ladies over at Flagrant Magazine have some excellent NBA content worth following. Until next time!
