Wedding Bell Blues: NFL Week 7
The truth is we didn’t watch very much football this week everyone, as one of us WAS BUSY GETTING MARRIED and the other was busy FIXING SOMEONES TRAIN AND VEIL but we were told by the many blog fans in attendance (read: one person) how much they cherish these recaps (read: I got good feedback on my maid of honor speech and need to continue feeding my ego) so we’re going to run down the weeks action anyway. While we are post-nuptial, Tom Brady is post-separation, the Colts are post-Matt Ryan and the Patriots might be post-Mac Jones (post mac jones sounds like a preppy version of Post Malone). There are so many other things I should be doing right now but my brain is here:
Cardinals 42 Saints 34
Ok actually this was the only game actually watched but I (elena) stormed out after the second pick six was thrown (the thanks I get for talking up Andy Dalton for the last three weeks???? fuck this dude he’s dead to me). I mean, I can deal with an interception. It happens! I will also tolerate one pick six, albeit begrudgingly. Mostly because it’s exciting when it happens, even when it happens to your team. But TWO??????? My DUDES. I was furious! Also as mentioned last week, Taylor swift dropped a random music video preview which was truly nothing and don’t ask our thoughts on her album because we’ve been BUSY ok sorry!!!! TLDR: Saints were shit and I used that as an excuse to go to bed.
Bengals 35 Falcons 17:
Joey B starting to look like a qb who led his team to the Super Bowl last year! He’s making a lot of passes in the shotgun (out of the shotgun? With a shotgun? Hard to say what’s correct but whatever it means it’s working!)
Cowboys 24 Lions 9
I no longer care about the lions after they betrayed me by scoring 0 points, but coming off a bye they should have been better than this! Dak Prescott made his return, it clearly went well.
Titans 19 Colts 10
The colts are bad! They changed quarterbacks (to Sam Ehlinger, which was supposedly in the works before an injury spurred it on Sunday) and it was worse but Matt Ryan is also bad so no one really knows what to do there. This won’t be the only conversation about Quarterback Crises this week!
Commanders 23 Packers 21
HA SUCKS TO SUCK Aaron!!! No other notes.
Panthers 21 Bucs 3
After literally trading away their best player (Christian McCaffrey - to the 49ers which is EXCELLENT for them), firing their coach (Matt Rhule, the Liz Truss of the NFL), and in general having a clown contest at QB (looking at you, Baker Mayfield), the Panthers rolled out and… beat one of the best players of all time???? Low key it’s hilarious! It’s GOOD scriptwriting I’ll say it!
Giants 23 Jaguars 17
With the Yankees out of the baseball title chase New Yorkers deserve a little treat, and that treat is going to be the continued success of this wild ass Giants team. This game was on in the background and I will tell you from what I saw the Giants did their best to lose, but the Jaguars just are not a great team so we lucked out!
Raiders 38 Texans 20
This is good news for the raiders after their rocky start (that’s putting it mildly), they’ve definitely gotten to an easier part of their schedule (after all they had to face Patrick Mahomes, Justin Herbert AND Kyler Murray in the first few weeks of the season) and now they’ll have a smooth stretch where they play shittier teams such as *checks notes* the New Orleans Saints???? Bad for me!
Jets 16 Broncos 9
One thing about this Broncos team, the will be scoring 9 points. They’re obsessed with it! The Jets are on a hotter streak than some of us, and we must respect it.
Chiefs 44 49ers 23
I mean, what, did you expect Patrick Mahomes to lose? The man is on a tear this year. I (Katrina) actually did watch this game in my minimoon lovenest (barf vomit gross) - we left for dinner and when we got back I was like she it pardner this is a bloodbath.
Seahawks 37 Chargers 23
I’m chuckling because when the Seahawks traded Russ in the offseason their fans thought the team was just giving up on trying to win- and they’re out here now having the best gdamn time. Just VIBES. The Chargers on the other hand, for the second year in a row I have been fooled into thinking they’re going to be amazing and they just ain’t baby. Of course now that I say that they’ll probably win the whole dang thing.
Dolphins 16 Steelers 10
Prime Time games are cursed to be boring. Tua is back but taking it easy.
Bears 33 Patriots 14
Ok big finale everyone we’re nearly done! This is yet another game that I Fully Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve (ok, I lied, I did have time to listen to Midnights. It’s medium but Karma & Mastermind & You’re On Your Own Kid are perfect) watched had I been a real human being on Monday evening, but I wasn’t, so I binged Netflix’s Never Have I Ever and had an existential crisis. As one does! You might think this isn’t relevant for a sports blog post but it is because said existential crisis reminded me why me & the fellas love to watch sports: It’s a low stakes way to feel dumb silly little emotions and none of the real ones! Too dark? Who cares! Anyways as for the game: Everyone was hype to get Mac Jones back, but after he stepped out and nearly immediately threw an interception daddy Bill Belichick sent him to bed without supper. Enter: Bailey Zappe. Why is it that back up quarterbacks always need to have the wildest names that both fail to read as real names (poor scriptwriting) and also seem to be so perfectly fit for the name of a football quarterback- it’s an oxymoron I’ve yet to crack. Anyway Zappydoo came out and scored a touchdown in 4 plays wow wow wow enter: shock, enter: awe, enter: punditry!!!! Then he did nothing for the rest of the game. As for the Bears they finally figured out (maybe) that Justin Fields is pretty dang talented so they just let him run the ball and…get this…it worked.
Looking Ahead
Listen we never said the blog posts would all be winners but thank you all for bearing with us this week! We’ll be back in full force next week, that is if Katrina can find time amongst the many demands of her new role as a WIFE. Me, I’ll be watching Thursday Night Football to revel in Tom Brady’s misery (Bucs vs Ravens), there’s apparently ANOTHER GOD DAMN LONDON GAME (Is Roger Goodell the new Prime Minister or something!!!!!) between the Broncos & the Jaguars which I will definitely not be watching, and other than that the Week 8 matchups are a bit of a pick your poison (except Rams-49ers and Packers-Bills, those will be good). Thanks for reading!
