Ballon D’Or Hangover: European Soccer Round Up
He said this ones for the MASSES this one is for the girls who have balckmailed their team mates about a prostitution ring! Also why is his smile so 90’s sitcom intro vibes???
It’s been a MINUTE sports fans but we back in the footy roundup game because we are approaching November and if you forgot that’s the month the WORLD CUP STARTS so we are going to need all of you to PAY ATTENTION soon! We’re ramping up! Consider this the time to get interested in soccer!
In the Champion’s League…
So much has happened since we last spoke folks, but the highlights are as follows: Barcelona boofed their way out of contention (then they lost el classico in the same week) but Coach Xavi has shirked a lot of the responsibiltiy over the failures, and Napoli is on a gosh darn TEAR (both at home and abroad). This week was the second to last match day before the elimination rounds, and things went about as expected: Juventus blew it! People were oddly surprised about this but they were in a MUST win situation against Benfica (random ass portuguese team) and... you guessed it they did not win. Napoli did, as did Inter. Man City slacked off and notched a 0-0 draw against Dortmund, Liverpool won, Chelsea won, PSG absolutely SLAMMED that random ass israeli team in their group and in one interesting twist Real Madrid lost to Leipzig. We’re going to keep an eye on that one. Liverpool made up for previous losses by notching up a 3-0 W @ Ajax, Bayern piled on the Barca pity party, Spurs couldn’t beat sporting, Atleti couldn’t beat Leverkusen.
In the Premier League…
Aston Villa fired their coach in the middle of last week, won this weekend, and hired a new coach by Sunday afternoon. They’re more efficient than the majority in Parliament I’ll say that much! They’re also moving faster than Wolves who are still coachless, but in Wovlerhampton’s’ defense they refuse to hire anyone besides a Portuguese manager so they’re more limited. Elsewhere, Liverpool lost to the tricky trees, a mere week after surprising everyone by beating Man City, this team is on a rollercoaster none of us need right now. Man City made up for their glitches and return to their regular scheduled programming: winning. Case & Point- their 4-0 win over the headless wolfmen this weekend. Speaking of winning- Newcastle can’t stop doing it? They beat Tottenham over the weekend and sit loftily in 4th place- not too shabby for a team that fought for their lives last year. I guess that Saudi money gets you somewhere! Our other big clubs are sort of in a rut- Chelsea is unreliable and we’re not sure what’s going to happen with Christian Pulisic (I mean, the man is rivaling me for America’s Best Shit Talker), Man United isn’t in as much of a crisis, coach Ten Haag is definitely making progress but they absolutely need to offload Ronaldo (a perfect example of an impulse purchase that they regret, can’t relate I definitely didn’t just buy a couch that has me questioning all my life choices!) to move forward.
In Ligue 1…
So…there’s been a little drama. Mbappe, my love, loves to stir the pot (I think he just gets bored tbh. either that or he should fire someone on the team who keeps leaking his complaints), and essentially a rumor started he wanted OUT in the January transfer window. Now this is a wild accusation considering he just signed a verrrrry expensive contract, but you could tell this dude was kinda pissy just the way he been playing (Neymar continues to thrive tho!). After this rumor emerged, Real Madrid was like “well actually we’re not even interested in him anymore”, which is kinda like when you tell someone you want to be friends and they’re like I WAS TOTALLY THINKING THE SAME THING- Real’s not over getting snubbed this last summer, but if they have an opportunity to [pair Benzema with Mbappe, there is no way they wouldn’t take it. Ok now that we’ve covered the RUMORS let’s cover the SOCCER- Lille beat Monoco 4-3 in a THRILLER this past weekend, proving they’re getting their shit together slightly. PSG continues to be in good form DESPITE all the drama, beating Ajaccio which isn’t a flex because the Corse team will no doubt be fighting for their lives all season. Lens continued their good effort by beating Marseille, who btw lost le Classique since we last chatted, we missed the coverage on that. They’re one of the many teams in European Contention right now- only 6 points separate 2nd place and 7th place. I’m out of breath after typing all that let’s just move on to Spain.
In La Liga…
Benzema collected his well-deserved Ballon D’Or last week, inviting both his current GF and his baby mama to cheer him on, and channeling Tupac in his look. The man would be Drake if he wasn’t a rapper, I swear to god. Real has been doing well this season, winning el classico as I mentioned, but also they sit comfortably on top of the table and beat Sevilla easily this past weekend. Real Betis has also continued to do pretty well, but have fallen down to 5th. Barca’s not drowning yet, but Xavi can’t keep tryign the same tricks and expecting them to change things. People have cracked his strategy, he needs to mix it up a little, rather than complaining about reffing decisions.
In Serie A…
Truly haven’t checked on these dudes in awhile but the story of the season so far really is Napoli. I just went to go look when they last lost a game and guys…they literally haven’t lost a game. They drew a couple at the start of the season (warm ups!) but have been UNSTOPPABLE in Serie A, they’re goal scoring machines. We ALWAYS say: Champions find a way to get a win in a hard fought game. That’s what they did this weekend with Roma, scoring in the 80th minute. They’re not playing around!!!!!! Hopefully they keep this momentum because seeing them win the scudetto would be…low key thrilling?
In the NWSL…
Not European soccer, we know, but we are LEGALLY OBLIGATED to take a moment to appreciate this MATCH WINNING GOAL from Crystal Dunn who, if you forgot for a fucking second, JUST CAME BACK FROM HAVING A BABY. Women are incredible! No Freaking notes!!!
Ok actually some notes! Crystal scoring this goal is a giant middle finger to the haters, she is CONSISTENTLY mispositioned when called up to the USWNT squad (let this woman play forward you cowards!), and beating Jill Ellis’s team when that’s the bitch who took her for granted…it’s chef’s kiss. And if all this sounds like a mystery to you the TLDR is that there’s always more behind what’s going on at the national level than what appears (like how we all found out after the fact that Carli Lloyd is a dick!).
In MLS…
Again, not european, but there’s so many sports going on right now and we want you to keep up because 1) part of this is related to the LARGER PHILLY SUCCESS that’s taking the world by storm and 2) DID WE MENTION THERE IS A WORLD CUP COMING UP and even some MLS players could be there so! It’s the MLS Cup and the Philadephia Union is in the semis against REIGNING CHAMPS nycfc. On the other side: LAFC against Austin, which is wild because I just found out austin had a team. All you really need to be conscious of in terms of MLS Vibes can be summed up here:
Actually sorry wrong link I meant HERE:
Looking Ahead…
We promise to be more reliable with the soccer content because we take our duty to prepare you for the world cup VERY SERIOUSLY. Get ready for QATAR honey! And don’t worry we’re going to explain why it’s so freaking problematic, but if you seriously can’t wait a few weeks, check out the collab between Crooked Media & Men in Blazers that’s unpacking it in detail here.
