PLEASE Let This Be A Normal Field Trip: EUROPEAN SOCCER SEASON KICKS OFF

We’ve got a lot of balls in the air right now folks- even though the FIFA WWC has yet to wrap, the boys are back from their breaks and over the weekend, we got our fill of European Soccer’s Great Return…as well as enough trade drama to make our reality tv loving selves quake in our little boots. We have a TON to recap and a lot to prep you for as we gear up for the season (I mean, I don’t know if it’s gearing up if it already started but?) and on the bright side, these time zones are a mere 5-6 hours ahead, unlike AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND (I will never forgive them). Let’s get into some soccer!

The Premier League

Ok here’s what you missed on Glee! Last year, Arsenal lead the league for almost the entire season. Everyone was like: Is this too good to be true? And in fact it was! Late in the year, they started slipping, and computer generated super team funded by big oil, Man City, geared up (thanks in large part to Erling Haaland, norwegian teen superstar, who scored approximately 4 goals a game every game) and, well, they won. Scriptwriters got lazy and phoned in the ending! Man City enters this season as champions and presumptive faves to repeat (quad-peat). Their crosstown rivals also made some moves this summer- and by that I mean they failed to offload Harry Macguire & David De Gea, AND they are “waiting to make a decision” on rapist Mason Greenwood, depending on what their women’s team says. That may seem admirable! But they put this off WAY too long and announced this in the middle of the women’s World Cup (yes that’s still happening), which many Man U Women’s players are participating in) and also like… it’s not empowering to just force women to be the ones to hold men accountable. Consider this soap box stood upon bitches! Anyways I’m protesting this team and their bullshit but I will acknowledge their third kit this season is fire (even villians have style sometimes). Moving on, believe it or not, there are other teams in the prem besides those based in Manchester! Liverpool lost some older hats in the offseason but are working to rebuild and recover this year (they still have Mo Saleh & have made some good moves for their midfield), Chelsea sold off..literally everyone???? Not sure what’s going on there I guess they’re going for a “burn it down and start all over” approach, with coach Mauricio Pochettino (remember him? he coached PSG!) at the helm. Spurs…remain spursy; recently let go of their most famous player Harry Kane, who is now out here looking LOST in the Bundeslinga with Bayern. Wolves are a total wildcard- the season just started and their coach may already be on the way out??? But then they almost beat Man U in the opening match (they were denied a penalty, which caused huge controversh, again, welcome back!!!) The tricky trees are still here (up the forest!!!!), and we welcome newcomers Luton Town!!!!!!, and welcome back to Sheffield United & Burnely, who were promoted as well. As always we refuse to support the Saudi backed Newcastle side, but unfortunately it’s looking like crime does pay…they’re building something good over there.

Ligue 1

us watching Mbappe in the offseason

Oof. Ok pals, at the time of writing this, we have squeaked by and successfully avoided a complete PSG meltdown, but don’t worry, there’s still time! The drama this year comes after last summer, where superstar Kylian Mbappe negotiated a bonkers new contract and agreed to stay with PSG (which at the time still had Messi & Neymar, more on that in moment) for one year (with the opportunity to opt in to a second), ideally to try to win the Champion’s League, but also adding in “special boardroom privileges”. I’m not an expert on soccer contracts, but as a single woman who’s been in the dating world, I do consider myself somewhat fluent in negotiating with men in their 20’s, and I’ll tell you: you simply cannot give a 23 year old this kind of power. After throwing temper tantrums with past managers, his bromance with Neymar clearly falling apart, and being literally begged by the PRESIDENT OF FRANCE to stay, it’s safe to say that our sweet sweet boy from Bondy is by now, a noted drama queen. At the end of lasty year, after years of negotiations, Leo Messi denied the Saudis any satisfaction by bringing his talents over to MLS (a pretty huge deal, if you haven’t heard!), and while both those entities made overtures to Mbappe, he was not interested. He’s long been clear his plan is to head to Real Madrid, but PSG’s asking price is probably a little to rich for their blood right now, leading to a stand off. Mbappe initially refused to train/play with the team until an agreement was reached, and truly at the eleventh hour has now agreed to stay and “promised not to leave for free next summer” (because, if your contract is over you get to leave as a free agent, as opposed to a team getting a transfer $ for you). With a new coach (again), PSG has ditched some favorites (Verratti is looking to go to the Saudi League, and the team has made it clear they look to offload scrappy doo aka Juan Bernat & Renato Sanchez, Neymar just signed a Saudi deal, and Sergio Ramos also might be going there but is gone either way) and enters this season with a blank (ish) slate, but we’re not loving the vibes. Mbappe has managed to alienate most of his PSG homies at this point (in the words of soccer guru Nicki Minaj, “I hope they’re coming for me because it’s lonely at the top”, but at least they’ll probably still win Ligue 1! as for everyone else in the league? Lyon had a bit of a slow summer and could be in danger of a slump, Strasbourg barely survived last season but look slightly more stable (both of these tidbits are well demonstrated by Strasbourgs 2-1 win over Lyon last weekend), Marseille said goodbye to Payet but still look strong and organized and could contend this year, and we are keeping our eyes on the likes of Nice (which either could be a breakout team or a flop…no in between I fear) and Rennes. Hearty welcome to Metz (a yo-yo team the likes of the Premier League’s Norwich, no one really expects them to do well here, rennes beat the 5-1 in the debut) and Le Havre (reminder this is pronounced luh *great inhale* AH vruh, and btw they held Montpelier to a draw which isn’t nothing!). Clermont Foot was a fave from last season and an underdog, but may fall victim to a second season curse- they started the season by losing to Monaco 4-2. Much to be seen in the Farmer’s league this year, and we can trust Mbappe will keep it interesting for us!

The Bundesliga
Again, our dedicated followers may be thrown off here: gals, I thought we decided the German league was lame? Why would we be interested now? Well this is more than our typical recap post folks, we told you there were trades to cover and we would be remiss if we didn’t discuss the blockbuster of the moment: Our favorite hair receding British Striker is now a Bayern Player (no, not Sadio Mane, he’s not british! also he’s in the Saudi legue now, RIP)- if that reads like a deuxmoi blind item it’s because it basically is one- Harry Kane has left the Spurs! They have “replaced lewandowski” (babe literally a year after he left? Idk like get over your ex already), but this trade was not without its hitches- after reports the deal was sealed and done, additional rumors came out that Kane “still wasn’t decided”. Girl what?!? But dw it worked out and he played for them a day after that drama unfolded. Personally I think he still has feelings for his ex as well (once a spur, forever spursy as we say), but wishing these two the best in their union. I won’t be watching it, but, again, good luck to them!

La Liga

Oleeeeee ole ole ole! Besides being Mbappe’s dream school, La Liga is the top destination for young talent in Europe right now. Barcelona made waves last year with dancing queen Vinicius Jr (who has had to deal with a lot of racism… sad!) & breakout Xavi, and Real Madrid dropped some older players (Benzema, if you can believe it he’s in the Saudi league…villains stay villaining this man will never surprise me) and picked up english lad Jude Bellingham. This past weekend, young talent failed to get Barca anywhere in a HIGHLY controversial game with Getafe: Kick off was at 9:30pm local time, and the game ended up going almost past midnight. Why? Some good old fashioned shithousery on Getafe’s part, which is basically their entire strategy as a team: waste time & fuck around baby! Unrelated but does anyone know if they’re hiring? Feels like our values are aligned. Anyways 26 minutes of stoppage time ended up being added to this game which tbh, just ain’t it baby!

Serie A

Classic Italian to be running late to the party but showing up with alllllll the goods, Serie A doesn’t kick off until this COMING weekend, but there are a lot of moves that have been made! Most onotable for our American audience: Christian Pulisic left Chelsea for Milan, and his teammate Tim Weah left Lyon for Juventus. The BUZZ around Weah is very positive, he’s the striker of their dreams etc etc. Sadly he probably won’t get to spend much time with Weston McKennie, the other american on Juve that doesn’t really have a spot in Allegri ball moving forward— they’re looking to offload him but there’s some tension as he wants a top destination (they tried to send him to the Turkish Super League which is funny because FuboTv is ALSO trying to get me into the turkish super league). Serie A is also a great breeding ground for young players, and it’s a league of high powered offenses that could really propel the USMNT forward. Patriotic Bias aside, there is a lot to be excited about in Italy folks! At the end of last year, Napoli (our ancestors baby) won their first Scudetto in like 60 years. The Cellys were out of CONTROL. While they’re not likely to repeat, and Juventus is battling the great uphill that is a financial sanction thanks to problems of their own making, we could very well have a title race on our hands in Serie A this season. Inter has bulked up and had a solid showing last year, and Milan made so so so many moves over the summer (perhaps too many? tough to say, there’s a lot to figure out for them) that everyone will be looking to make their mark when action kicks off this week. Watch this space!