Cristiano Ronaldo, A Man Without A City
We promised we’d be back weekly to update you and, well, what a week it’s been! ( “what a week it’s been” is an incredibly posts-once-a-week type of thing to say…like we get it elena time passes get over it!!!!!) . Last night, when the clock struck twelve and James Corden (thankfully) turned back into a mouse, the transfer window closed and a lot of shit went down. Wait until the last minute much? You just wait guys, that’s not gunna fly when you get to high school / college / a real job building a team!- Every teacher I’ve Ever had.
Anyways, we’re here let you know what you missed, all the new kids on the block (not these ones), and, as a bonus, the actual weekly content of what went down in this weekend’s games. Katrina is on international break (she’s literally in another country) so I’m flying solo here (blessed to act as the only child I was born to be! I am the main character!). The soccer:
In the Champion’s League…
Well, in the prequel to the UCL that is. The games haven’t “started” “yet” per se, although based on the events of the transfer window PSG has already won the whole thing (this is kind of like the season of the NFL when everyone was like THE BROWNS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL and then they were still trash, so even with messi we’ll probably lose in the group stages). Things that have started: the little preliminary dance where all the little miss nobodies from god knows where (read: swiss teams) try to sneak in, and I have late breaking news, Thee Young Boys are in the UCL this year!!!! I take back all the shit I talked about them and the Europa league last year! Young Boys till we DIE baby!!!! Also, Monaco tried to get in and was eliminated. Also: the groups are rigged, as usual. PSG is stuck with City in the Group Of Death. You may ask, how is there ALWAYS a group of death, and Elena, why is your team always in it??? Idk kids, for some reason, the UEFA gods choose violence.
In the Premier League…
If you missed my EXCELLENT pun in the title, you probably also missed that Cristiano Ronaldo has decided to hang up his pasta maker and head back to England. After flirting with Man City for a hot minute, Ronaldo got a lot of angry texts from his ex, Man United, with whom he started his career, and so he decided to get back together with her. Because that alllllwayyyys works out right? Is the EPL the new Super League!?!?!? I mean, where will Ronaldo ever FIT in this team!?!?!?!? Jk I am sure they’ll find somewhere to put him- even if it’s only in the team shop, it’ll be worth the cash. He’s a perfect player to work with Ole, but the trade does mean bad news for Mason Greenwood, the stellar youngsta who despite getting passed on for the English EUROs squad, has been playing well & scoring goals. United beat the Wolves this past weekend, who have been playing some incredible football everywhere except for like the last 10yds before the goal. They’ve got the yips when it comes to scoring, but their games are still a thrill because, well, this dude’s in them. In other news: Burnley can’t hold onto a lead, Everton is looking to be champions of September for the second year in a row but are getting strong competition from the Spurs, who sit top of the table after three clean sheets, and Arsenal is off to their worst start since 1955. Sucks to be an American Arsenal fan, but that’s what you get for choosing a team with 1) the word arse in its name and 2) the GUN mascot! Man City is starting to get into a groove, which is a little terrifying, because they were favorites at the start of week 1, have lost several players, and are still favorites (despite everyone else stocking up on attacking players to try to be a part of the competition). It’s going to be a wild season folks!
In Ligue 1…
After a week of Mbappe and Real Madrid being the Rachel & Ross of the soccer world (Mbappe is hot and therefore obviously Rachel, Real is playing games and a LIAR), now we’re on a (international) break and spending this time GLOWING that our prince is staying in the parc. He put out a beautiful performance this weekend, on a day where everyone was talking about Messi, scoring the only 2 goals of the match (one of them was a HEADER?!!? Do we do headers now?!!? Who ARE you Kylian???), and then posted on insta saying it was a Perfect day. Same. Also in that game, in the second half, LIONEL MESSI MADE HIS LIGUE 1 DEBUT against Reims making it the most watched match in league history. He came on for Neymar at the same time as Ander Herrara was subbed in, and now Ander will be chasing the high of that applause for the rest of his life. After the game the Reims players asked for autographs which is a mood. As for all the rest of France: Montpellier did nothing during the transfer window except lose some good players and, on top of it, lost this weekend to Lille. Nice is looking good still, scored 4 goals this weekend, and could be a stronger contender for a UCL spot than say, Monaco, who eked out a 2-1 win over Troyes. Marseille is looking pretty solid, they also one this weekend, playing against ASSE (st. etienne). I’m just glad Mbappe is staying, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and yes, said weight could return in a year when the Qataris unsuccessfully try to convince him to extend his contract and Real makes a REAL bid instead of just a (€200 mil) bid for attention but, that’s FUTURE ELENA’s problem.
LEAKED: Barca’s 2021-2022 Competitive Strategy (photo via @abrenesu_ on twitter)
In La Liga…
Drama drama drama mis amors. I am not going to continue to give Real’s publicity stunt for my boyfriend Mbappe airtime, so instead let’s devote that airtime to good ol Barcelona. Barca has decided, like a person confined to death row or a team in mortal bankruptcy, to just give away all their players. Emerson? Sure, send him to Spurs. Moriba? Who needs him, let’s put him in Germany. Antoine Griezmann? Let’s send him to the reigning league champions because, that seems like a wise choice. Obviously el presidente La Porta is doing everything he can to try to claw his way out of the financial pit he inherited with this team, but what exactly the team is going to do without any of its better players…I guess they didn’t consider that. The squad has no cohesion and they’re weak defensively. Atletico Madrid, now carrying on with Grizou in tow, still looks strong enough to repeat as Champions, despite the squad aging a bit. Age is just a number baby!
In the Bundesliga….
Gio Reyna & Haaland saved Dortmund from an embarrassing loss against Hoffenheim in the last moments of the game. Dortmund is doing a happy dance because they retained Haaland in the offseason, but this team still has a long way to go and it’s doubtful Haaland will stick around for that (rumor has it Man U wants to poach him next summer). Both teams in this match played garbage defense, hence the 3-2 score line. Stuttgart lost to Freiberg (I can’t believe these names aren’t made up) which is rough for the Stoots. They ARE missing their best players, and they look actually pretty solid in their attack, but they’re going to need to break a two game losing streak and get their act together. It may be early on in the year, but these are the games we look back on in May and say “you shouldn’t have thrown that game away!”, so, take note fellas! We found ourselves a new Schalke for the season: Fürthe, who are just…very bad. Bayern swept Hertha, another bottom of the table team, in a 5 goal win (with a Lewandowski Hat Trick to boot). I mean, we talked last time about how Bayern COULD be beatable, but to be realistic, Hertha is not going to be the one to make that move. The big game of the weekend was between RB Leipzig & Wolfsburg. RB proving to us as always that they will never be queen of the bundesliga, because they lose games like this, and Wolfsburg did what they NEEDED to do and got a win in a big match. Other than that the game was boring, because the bundesliga is boring, you won’t change my mind.
In Serie A…
I am once again asking you to watch the Italian League!!!! Guys, I know there’s a lot of sports out there, but this whole Italian Sausage is just very underrated and very exciting to watch. Red cards are thrown constantly, teams foul like crazy, and it's the highest scoring league in Europe, while still being tactically elite. So, WATCH, especially if you’re one of those people that are like “soccer is boring they never even score”. Assuming you missed this week though, we can review the highlights & Lowlights. Lowlight: Cristiano left, and Juventus is like trying to pretend they’re fine (they’re FINE ok!!!!!) but then they lost to a trash team. It’s only a matter of time until they get bangs. Highlight: literally anything Lazio does. They’re so fun to watch and they’re like, randomly a very good team, they’ve got a new coach but he’s started off very strong—they’re going to be knocking at the door of the top 4 all year. They’re also the highest fouling team in the league currently, so if you’re trying to be sloppy, watch them. Atalanta forgot to show up this week, and lost to Bologna thanks to some excellent defense on the lunch meat’s part. Venezia is going to have to get their act together, because despite LOOKING good and SOUNDING good and HAVING good players and just, in general, being the Serie A Darling, they’re not actually PLAYING good. Finally, EURO star, 100 year old, and, as far as I know, President of Macedonia Goran Pandev helped Genoa score against Napoli, but it wasn’t enough to get the W. There’s more about the Genoa/Napoli game to say, but the guys on my podcast referred to a player as a “false number nine” and I blacked out, a PTSD reaction from listening to Taylor Twellman use that phrase in every fucking game at the EUROs this summer. NOT EVERYONE IS A FALSE NUMBER NINE TAYLOR. THAT DOESN’T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING.
Takeaways
Grâce à dieu, the transfer window is closed, and we all can sleep soundly knowing that none of our stars are going anywhere and we’re sticking with the squads we have. Which, is great for PSG, and not great for a lot of other people but! Every man for himself!!!!!!!
Inspired by Katrina, the soccer is on international break (unless you play for an English team, or if you’re brazilian) so no games this week. We’ll be back (once both us gals are back from our respective vacations!) the week of the 13th to recap those games for you, until then cheers!
