A Nihilist’s Guide NFL Playoffs
One thing about us, is we are going to be hibernating! We WILL be starting the season off strong and then entering a deep post-world-cup-depression in which we are unmotivated to write about any sports, even if we were watching them! Sorry for being our authentic selves!
We have let you all down in the latter half of the NFL season (probably because the season is too dang long! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a thousand times!) but after watching such incredible feats in Q*t*r, how could we go back to watching american football? I’m sorry, it simply could not compare! Even worse, upon our return to spectatorship, we witnessed one of the most harrowing injuries we’d ever seen (coming second only to the Christian Eriksen incident) to Damar Hamlin, Bills safety. We’re not going to get into it, but if you’ve been living under a rock, see details here. Just a not so friendly reminder that football doesn’t matter at all. These men are literally risking their lives for no purpose! They are like court jesters and the American public are their cruel monarchs, demanding entertainment.
Anyways, all of these excuses aside, we HAVE been watching the football, we just haven’t been talking about it with you (practicing our gatekeeping). We wake up on Sundays, watch these men tackle each other into oblivion, swear off the violence only to take it up again the next week. It’s a Sisyphean effort we’re ready to let you in on, let’s lift this playoff boulder together friends!
Who’s OUT
Since the Houston Texans shocked the world last week by winning a game (????? the way they have blown it at every turn this szn only to pull it together just.e.nuff to not get the number one pick? admirable!), the Chicago Bears will have the No. 1 draft pick next year. Proud of them! Despite having a winning record the Steelers (it is apparently impossible for HC Mike Tomlin to have a losing season) and the Lions (huge victory they’re not a losing team completely! next step: the playoffs!) are OUT. The Commanders with their 8-8-1 record (never tie a game!) are OUT. Green Bay Packers? Out. And Aaron Rodgers got BODIED by the Lion’s social team. Enjoy your time off smoking ayhuaska Aaron! (I have no idea how you spell or take that drug, sry not sry). The Patriots, the Jets, the Panthers, My Saints, the Titans, the Browns, the Falcons, THE SUPER BOWL CHAMPION RAMS, the Raiders, the Broncos (no surprise there), the Colts (who also were in the no 1 pick race, a story for another day) and the Cardinals (big yikes! fired their coach!) are all headed home with their tails between their legs. Pour one out, you will not be missed.
(Super) WILD WILD WILD CARD WEEKEND
It’s my favorite time! And by that I mean it’s the best weekend of the year for Rihanna / DJ Khaled / Bryson Tiller /Santana??? ‘s ANTHEM- Wild Thoughts. Please get your listening in NOW because all weekend I will be saying WILD WILD WILD and dancing about like so:
SATURDAY
4PM: Seattle Seahawks - San Francisco 49ers
In the words of Frances Houseman father, Dr. Jacob Houseman: When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong (yes, that’s a dirty dancing reference) (honestly, when is Elena NOT making a dirty dancing reference, I’m surprised she didn’t name her new dog Kellerman). WE ALL WERE WRONG ABOUT THE SEAHAWKS. Did they give away a quarterback we thought was in his prime with seemingly no legit alternative? Yes! But as QB Geno Smith said earlier this year- “they wrote me off…I ain’t wrote back though”. Alright homie go off! Really this successful slip into the playoffs is credit to veteran head coach Pete Caroll (underrated silver fox) (and oldest coach in the NFL, when I learned this i was like yooo pause devastating dig at Andy Reid), who ditched Russell Wilson in favor of a defense heavy squad and an offense that runs the way he wants- he reverted the strategy back to that of their BOOM ERA (aka when they went to the super bowl). Speaking of good coaches— hello San Francisco! We have to take a second to slow clap Kyle Shanahan for guiding a very very very wounded ship into the post season with a Mr. Irrelevant 4th String QB Brock Purdy at the helm (that’s not us being haters, it’s just facts, we are Brock Purdy TRUTHERS). (Something that’s been bothering me- by definition, if you HAVE a nickname, you aren’t irrelevant. You’re relevant enough that they gave you a nickname!) It’s been known that the man is a genius at creating an offense (picking up Christian McCaffrey was EXCELLENT for the 49ers, but their real strength on offense is the VERSATILITY of players like Deebo Samuel, which allows Shanahan to call pretty much whatever plays he wants!), and in ADDITION to all that the 49ers have one of the best defenses in the league. Our money’s on them (and not just because one of us is married to a niners fan) (it me)
8PM: Los Angeles Chargers - Jacksonville Jaguars
Two teams I didn’t know we would see this weekend?!?! Hi guys, welcome! The Chargers limped their way into the playoffs despite everyone (including this very blog) writing them off. They fought through injuries to make a late season surge, but their tactics, in our opinion, remain questionable: Early in the season they kept Justin Hebert in a game they were losing by a ton even though he was injured, and in week 18 they tried the same strategy- keeping all their starters on the gridiron and ending up with Mike Williams getting injured! SMH! Luckily, they will be getting Joey Bosa back from injury, and also they’ve proven that missing a bunch of people won’t slow them down. On the other side of things, we have a true wild card, who, full disclosh, I would never have expected to be here. In a win-and-in game last week they beat a solid Titans team (who need to do some reevaluating probably) , despite Trevor Lawrence having a below average performance. But this team has REALLY come together this year, rebounding from the Urban Meyer coaching disaster and looking like they’re…having fun??! What a concept! We love that for them, but we’re taking the Chargers- we will NOT be victims of a scathing social media burn.
SUNDAY
1pm: Miami Dolphins vs Buffalo Bills
If you watch any games this weekend, make it this one. We’ve watched these teams play each other twice already this year and with one win a piece and their super bowl chances on the line, it’s safe to say the Miami-Buffalo rivalry is alive and well. The Bills, for their part, have been a super bowl favorite since the start of the season. Honestly they were robbed of a superbowl berth last year! Even though they’ve lost their splashy offseason gamechanging purchasse Von Miller, they’re still an incredibly stacked team, and Quarterback/Dream Boat Josh Allen has proven time and time again this year that he will do anything to get his team a win. I will never not root for the Bills Mafia! Plus now they had this whole tragedy happen, new motivation!! Meanwhile, Miami made headlines all season not for the excellent tactics of Doogie Howser-esque Head Coach Mike McDaniels, but for their egregious mishandling of QB Tua Tagliovoa’s head injury! That man is bound to have CTE on top of what is already probably a TBI and if you’re not here for these acronyms THEN PICK A DIFFERENT SPORT THIS ONE IS MIRED IN DEATH. Ok too far sorry my b. Miami will be starting their rookie QB who’s name I didn’t bother to learn ahead of this, with Teddy Bridgewater (who also got injured) playing back up. They’ll look to rely on @cheetah and the king of the waddle to score some points for them as they head to Buffalo.
4pm: New York Giants vs Minnesota Vikings
The G Men are in the playoffs? 3 teams from the NFC East are in the playoffs? Is this real???? Is ANYTHING? In a way, no. But I guess for the purposes of this blog we will pretend to exist in a meaningful reality, if only for a few minutes (if it’s taking you more than a few minutes to read the blog post, well, sorry for being loquacious queens!) I love that the giants are here when no one expected them to be that good any time soonn (except abc local news reporter Justin Fields, yes that is his real name, who is literally having a field day (i had to) with this one), I love coach Brian Dabol he is a king, I love Saquon, and I don’t CARE who knows it! My grandpa liked this team so we’re going with it! Their opponents have longtime playoff beef with the Saints, my actual team, so no matter how hard twitter tries to make me stan Kirk Thuggins and the record breaking work of Justin Jefferson this season, I just can’t get behind it. Sorry! Those purple suited fools may have eked out a lot of close wins (aka they won every single game that came down to a single score, which yes is one of those stupid stats you’ll hear a bunch during this game), but they also just don’t have the RAZZLE or the DAZZLE and I want an UPSET.
8pm: Baltimore Ravens vs Cincinnati Bengals
In a parallel universe, I’m sure Lamar Jackson has won a Super Bowl by now. He is undoubtedly one of the most talented young QB’s in the league, and he has grown into an excellent passer, and the Ravens defense is legendary. But, we don’t live in that universe, we live in this one, and Lamar is STILL INJURED because that’s how life works for the Ravens! Sorry besties! We’re taking the Bengals in this one, we’re always rooting for Joey B but especially now that he has figured out how to be a little quicker in the pocket (aka he throws the ball faster to avoid the sacc) (since the guys who are supposed to stop that from happening just can’t figure it out!), especially with Mixon, Higgins, and Chase as offensive weapons in his toolbelt. The Bengals went all the way last year, and they’re even better this year, so…watch out babes.
MONDAY
8pm: Dallas Cowboys vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Love that the NFL put both the teams we like the least together! America might be watching but us, not so much! This match up is a real toss up: On the one hand, the Cowboys have all the makings of a playoff run in their roster. On the other hand, we don’t bet against Tom Brady during the playoffs. Could really go either way here! Notably, the Bucs STOMPED the Cowboys 19-3 earlier in the season when these two teams met up in September. But that was back when Mike Evans and Leonard Fournette were playing & playing well. The Bucs lost to the Falcons last week, so I’m not even sure what they’re doing here to be honest, and once they DO end up flaming out of the playoffs I’m sure Brady will be looking for greener pastures for his divorced ass. Maybe he’ll move to LA and start dating a Kardashian? Anyway the Cowboys are SUPPOSED to be good but Dak just has been? blowing it? Starting to think he’s overrated? The entire offense has been relying upon Ezekiel Elliot and he’s just one man y’all!!!!!! Luckily they DO have a very solid defense with a knack for forcing turnovers. Fingers crossed we get to see Tom Brady throw three interceptions & a microsoft surface.
Bye Bye Bye!
Taking the weekend off? You’re in good company. Top seeds from each conference get a little rest during the wild west shootout of this weekend, which could prove to be a massive advantage. Those teams will then get homefield advantage against the worst remaining team in the playoffs. Waiting in the wings:
The Kansas City Chiefs
Someone call Beyoncé…I’ve got deja vu. The Chiefs Dynasty has rolled into the playoffs every. single. year. since 2014. They have a pretty solid record of winning the AFC West (no easy feat!), and this year the sealed in the top spot. Patrick Mahomes (OWNER OF THE KC CURRENT) is a gosh dang MACHINE he is NOT REAL he is a robot sent from the future to force the game of football forward you cannot change my mind!!!! Andy Reid is a genius!!! No notes! I’m worried they’re gunna win ANOTHER superbowl!!!
The Philadelphia Eagles
Ok birds go OFF!!!! You may remember the Eagles from when they were undefeated for awhile earlier this year, those blissful weeks in october when the 76ers were hot and the Phillies hadn’t yet lost the World Series and the Union was in the MLS playoffs we thought that whatever innovations made in the Crisco/vaseline world would be tested upon the city’s fine telephone poles for months on end. Ah, youth. Anyways, QB Jalen Hurts and this group of ballers have cruised their way into top seed in the NFC. How? Well, that would have involved me 1) following football for the last two months and 2) understanding the overly complex NFL Playoff seeding structure, two things I will never do, so, I am choosing ignorance and cheering the birds on anyway.
Looking Ahead
Will watching the football make me feel more alive? Will it bring any joy into these dark winter months in which we test humanity’s capability to live without vitamin D? Probably not, but we’re gunna watch anyway. Nothing matters and the rules are made up, but it’s an excuse to drink that we will TAKE!
