Don’t Act Like You Forgot : Super Bowl Winners & Losers
WE MADE IT !!!!! The end of the football season is finally here!!! Tbh I truly never thought this day would come but here we are and after multiple seasons of covering this sport, we think we’re finally getting the hang of it!
Also us 10 minutes in: uh so why was that ball not down? Because of bounce? What does that mean?
Ok so we haven’t mastered it all yet but we know enough to be able to break down our winners and losers of this year’s Super Bowl! Promise, next year we will finally learn what that ball rule is.
Winner: Patrick Mahomes
This one is pretty obvious, since his team did win the Super Bowl, but it still bears repeating ( and repeat it they sure did on Fox) : Patrick Mahomes may be the most talented quarterback in a generation of talented quarterbacks. At only 27 years old, he’s been to 3 Super Bowls and won 2, and his strategic play style is unmatched. Much was made of his high ankle sprain going into this game and then MORE was made of it when he got tackled by that very ankle in the second quarter; a hit followed by very painful grimaces by Patrick, who limped to the locker room. Insert nervous emoji here!! But don’t worry thanks to modern medicine (probably a shot of straight DRUGZ) Patrick rallied in the second half in a performance some are already comparing to Jordan’s Flu Game (tbh i think that’s a bit far but who am I to say). Though apparently his wife is annoying, and he has a weird tendency to name his kids after precious metals, I must admit I like the guy! He’s kinda goofy and I love that for him.
Loser : Pat Tillman
(sorry that sounds harsh, it’s just the format of the post, I do not think Pat is a loser)
All I’m going to say here is, absolutely no disrespect meant to Pat himself, I am very sorry about his death and his family’s loss. I just want everyone to think quickly back to that segment cheerfully encouraging people to join the military and then google this : How did Pat Tillman die?
Winner: The Eagle’s Banana Pudding
About a week before kickoff, I discovered this charming tradition and just in time! Apparently, Darius Slay’s wife Jennifer makes the Eagles locker room banana pudding every Friday before a game. Elena, despite being kind of allergic to bananas, was a good sport and made this for our Super Bowl watch party- and I must say, it is delish! Ok so it didn’t carry them to victory, but it carried ME to a soft creamy Cloud 9, so I’m calling it a win
Loser : Grass
This Super Bowl was held in Phoenix, a city I recently visited and was HUGELY disappointed by, so it comes as no surprise when this stadium let us down as well. The NFL spent 800k to install a natural grass field at this stadium (I guess normally they use fake turf) with the help of the Sod God and it turned out…. The GRASS WAS ASS!! Everyone kept falling down! (Actually that part was kinda funny). A bunch of players had to change shoes because their cleats weren’t grippy enough! So for everyone who makes fun of us for not knowing exactly how to do our job (write a sports blog), it appears that the NFL also doesn’t know how to do THEIR job (run football games) either.
Winner : Boss bitches
What to say about Rihanna that hasn’t been said? The hype level for this performance was off the charts, so some artists would have gone over the top to try to respond to expectations (and probably fail anyways). Not Rihanna!!! She was like oh have people been waiting 6+ years for my album??? Sry I’ve been a little busy BUILDING A BEAUTY AND FASHUN EMPIRE and i just had A BABY you think I have time for your little tweets!! NO!! So NO i will not be doing anything over the top! I will not be bringing out guest stars!! I am going to do WHAT EVER I WANT oh and ALSO I am PREGNANT AGAIN DEAL WITH IT. She was really like “bish better have my money that is why i am here!”. Ugh she is so cool do you guys think she reads this blog?? Anyways victory for feminism, ladies everywhere etc etc Honorable mention in this category for Erin Andrews, the only competent person on the Fox broadcast (ok ok Michael Strahan too i guess). She does it all with aplomb and in a bedazzled suit! Give her more airtime you cowards!
Loser: Nick Siranni
NOT because his team lost, because honestly they played really well! They just had a few boofs. NO, because of this extremely memeable moment :
I mean, we are all for men being in touch with their emotions and ending the culture of toxic masculinity but I am sorry how are you not conscious of your memability right now!! Like you are crying at the beginning of the game, you gotta know there are gonna be memes about you before the end of the first quarter. Worst of all, then your team actually lost so now this is played on repeat. Next time, focus on the football buddy!
Winner: The Lamp Posts of Philadelphia
(note to self: Band name idea??)
These Crisco-greased boys live to fight another day! Sorry to Philly fans, but you cannot fumble the ball at all in the Super Bowl, that is the rules. Some people are out here trying to say the last holidng call was bad, but the player himself admitted to it, so Idk what to tell you (and before you say I’m being biased, I was rooting for the Eagles in this game ok, you gotta know when you’re beat). Your desire to scale inanimate objects will have to wait until next year.
Loser : Marketing & Ad Departments Everywhere
I’m sorry, but I’m starting to think that no one in advertising has ever talked to an ACTUAL HUMAN BEING BEFORE because they seem to have lost ALL TOUCH with what will actually incite me buy your thing. Here’s a hint : it’s NOT commericals that make me cry worrying about the dog dying (and then even when he didn’t die, make me cry because I’m forced to remember that my time with my precious angel is finite and dogs are too good for this world and one day I’ll have to say goodbye OH GOD HERE WE GO AGAIN) OR ones that make me cry because the dog is having separation anxiety (and then even when they fixed it, make me cry because then I think about my cute lil scruffalina getting all panicked when I’m not there and making a nest and OH NO IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN). Neither of these subjects want to make me buy a) dog food or b) a dog crate (plus that second one was from Amazon, that mf-er Bezos strikes again). Another thing that is not an incentive- a floating QR code. Why you make me scan when I’m literally right here passively listening to you?? You have my eyeballs HERE talk to me!! I’m not scanning and giving you (more of) my data. Finally, so so so many were just bad and not funny. Apparently people really liked that Caddyshack one but idk, I’ve never seen the movie so. Note to ad people, go outside, touch grass (maybe fall down) and make some commercials actually worth watching.
For once, this game was pretty good (if one considers football to be “good” television, which these ones do not) albeit with kind of a lame ending in the last quarter, but overall not as much of a let down as some other games in the past. In that sense, it seemed like a fitting way to end this NFL szn. Did I find love in this hopeless place? No. No I did not. But did I work work work work work? Kind of! (sorry i had to).
See you guys for more soccer and basketball coming sooooooon!
