My Kingdom for La’eeb : World Cup Winners & Losers
Hard to believe that a month of emotion is already over!! It really flew by, seems like just yesterday I was thinking “welcome to flavortown!” and the next I was saying “adios” to half the teams (more on that here). But as we always say here at SAFTG, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened! (legit you can look back and find multiple instances of us saying this so) And you can certainly say… it HAPPENED! Was it good? Was it bad? Yes, and! Time to break it down, the winners and losers of the World Cup 2022.
Winner : The letter M
And by that I mean, mmmMessi and mmmMbappe (though Luka mmmModric also had a great World Cup, captaining his Croatian checks all the way to the semi-finals again, and winning the third place game against mmmMorocco). But more importantly, Messi and Mbappe had the tournament of their lives, completely living up to the media buzz (much to the Qataris glee, especially when they faced each other in the final). Mbappe’s Golden Boot was well deserved— his goals were constant and his speed and agility helped France reach the final despite an injury-plagued squad, a virus running rampant, and odds stacked against repeating champions (That’s right, in this house, we can still make the reigning world champs into an underdog story). Though France lost the final, their comeback via Mbappe’s hat trick (it’s giving “Ireland wins but Krum gets the Snitch”) will go down as one of the most legendary efforts in soccer history, and left us all incredibly excited about the future of this young, talented, and, let’s admit it, above average in attractiveness, french squad. As for the other BIG M, Messi cemented his place in history, and knocked that caveat off of his GOAT status by carrying his country to the top. He was in no means the sole superstar on this journey though- an aging Angel di mmmMaria and apparently argentinian striker mmmMac Allister and a goalie who surprised us all with his skills and pelvic thrusts Emi mmmMartinez all were there to support their sweet sweet short king to victory. They really all were in it for Messi, and that warms my cold dead heart (what DOESN’T warm my cold dead heart: the argentines making fun of MMMMmbappe after their win. It’s called class babes look it up). It’s hard to root against a story like that!!! Shoutout to the world cup’s biggest sponsor, the letter M (who’s going to let the letter M know about Qatar??)
Loser: FOX Sports Coverage
Really WE are all the losers for having to sit through this trash. Our expectations were low BUT STILL they really went…. what’s the opposite of above and beyond? Below and not very far??
A few choice gems:
When the Argentina- Netherlands game went to extra time “one thing to consider- the Dutch will STILL BE TALLER as a team than the argentinians” (bruh yeah you mentioned the height difference idk 1000 times and also last time I checked the players aren’t going to grow between the end of regulation and extra time)
When it was 2-0 Argentina- France ; ‘What does France need to do to stay in this game?” “Well they need to score some goals’ JESUS LORD who is commentating here, Captain Obvious??
pretty much whenever there was an offsides call "not sure I understood that one”; right Stu, if we spend time going over all the things you don’t understand we’ll be here all day, game’s only 90 minutes my lad.
I felt myself getting stupider watching Alexi Lalas talking about set pieces for the one thousandth time (also he said he was UNMOVED by Messi…sir I’m sorry WHAT?!?!?) (Sorry also he had a RECAPS WITH FUCKING PIERS MORGAN?!?!!?!? What about ANYTHING made fox say, hey, you know what america needs more of? People like piers morgan. Reader I DIE!) . I lost brain cells every time Stu Holden said something, mostly because I banged my head on the table at the mere sound of his voice. The takes were bad! The constant comparisons to NFL and American Sports was… idiotic! Hard to say it better than the folks at the Guardian did here. On top of all that, FOX got SPONSORED BY QATAR (like?!?!?!? literally READ THE ROOM) so that meant they did ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY!!! All that shit we talked when we prepped you for the cup? They didn’t mention a thing!!!! (conversely, the BBC did an excellent job of this) Something ELSE I found out after the fact is that in a sneaky lil bribe moment (we LOVE a sneaky bribe moment! so hot right now!) FIFA resold the rights to the 2026 cup to fox at a BARGAIN PRICE so that FOX wouldn’t get mad about the cup happening during December ie peak other sports szn. I mean! Make it make sense! Just to leave you with one final moment- please see this footage of the hosts in THOBES!!!!I CAN’T !!!
Winner: Allah
From the Bisht the Qatari’s threw onto Leo Messi as he celebrated with the cup to the all-seeing eyes of WC Mascot La’Eeb throughout the tournament, this cup was a win for Allah. How many random ass fans did you see getting fitted for headscarves? Too many! An Arab team making the semifinals? As Allah would will it to be! Morocco’s run proved that the Arab world had something to SAY and I for one am glad that it was the Atlas Lions mashallah and not Qatar! (also this is okay because I learn and speak Arabic ok)
Loser: Qatar
Arguably they pulled off a successful world cup, but I don’t think anyone came away from this thinking : you know who seems cool? The Qataris. I mean, they let Salt Bae onto the field as the champions celebrated. To say they throw money at their problems is a huge understatement. Show of hands, who knew where Qatar was before this? Anyone? Bueller? I thought not. This was like the OPPOSITE of sportwashing- people came here and were like ok low key it sucks?? there’s no rights or beer AND it’s hot?????
Winner: WOMEN
You may wonder, how could WOMEN win the MENs world cup? in a country that is famously bad to women? Well, meet our fave squirrely ref (no offense), who you may have seen in Ligue 1 & the Champion’s league, Stephanie Frappart. For the first time ever at this world cup, there was a match refereed by ALL WOMEN. Crazy! I hope none of them had their PERIODS!!!!! Also shout out to the outrageous outfits sported by this sexy Croatian fan; truly feminism in action.
Equal rights now!!
Loser: It’s Coming Home
Ah England, how you managed to lose on penalties in a game that did not go to a shootout is both beautiful and tragic. Our english friends (of which there are few because have you heard those bruvs try to talk they sound absurd we can’t take them seriously) should not lose hope: there’s obviously a lot of young talent on this team and Gareth Southgate is, actually, a pretty good manager (assuming he’s not sacked) (that’s british for fired). Sometimes it’s just not your day! Sometimes France is better than you! (most times france is better than you in food i’ll say that) Check your history books though because I bet it comes back around.
Winner: Penalty Shootouts
I learned a lot about the art of penalties from this podcast, and they! are! fascinating! For the players- it’s giving psychoanalysis and game theory. For the audience- it’s giving suspense. I mean for me it is a little TOO suspenseful and I cannot handle the stress but it is a spicy ending to a football game that is undeniable! We had a BOUNTY of shootouts in the knockout rounds (some of which I had to have Katrina narrate for me on the phone as I was driving), and, personally, they all kinda worked out the way we wanted (except for me I am pro-brazil, Katrina was not) (and the last one, because we are pro france but I can concur it was poetic), because the scriptwriters in this sport are the best in the biz.
Winner: Dune
Idk this whole world cup in the desert vibe made me wonder what timothee chalamet was up to. When does DUNE 2: STILL DUNE UR MOM come out does anyone know?
Loser : The Hype
Looking at you, CR7! Ronaldo’s wild antics cost him his job at Man U (maybe he’s headed to Saudi Arabia now?? who knows?) and probably the spot in the semi finals since his entire team refused to talk to him and reportedly hated him!! that’s what we call f around, FIND OUT!! Similarly, discord on the Belgian team (like, all of them hate each other) caused absolute chaos and resulted in the so-called Golden Generation flopping out during the group stages. The hype proved to be OVER DONE for these two classic football nations ( we ourselves fell victim in some ways!) who are now left to reflect on what they’ve done.
Loser : Soccer as a whole
So overall guys what do we think? Do we LIKE having a World Cup in the middle of the GD year in the middle of all of our seasons right as we all are preparing for holidays?? Do we LIKE having players all be injured because of overplaying? do we LIKE corruption just overriding human rights? NO WE DO NOT!!!! just because we didn’t boycott this cup does not mean we condone these but unfortunately, lacking any REAL consequences, it’s not likely FIFA is going to change anytime soon. The good news is that the next World Cup is in the summer again (yay) in Mexico, Canada and the US (an unproblematic nation for sure! no problems here!!) and *checks notes ….. will expand to 48 teams?????? NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS?????
So there you have it folks. We laughed, we cried, we destroyed our cuticles, and in the end, Argentina won. Remember, football is not important (but it may just be the most important of the least important things) (that’s a callback). And don’t you worry, soccer’s not quite over yet…. tune in this week for F E S T I V E F I X T U R E S (yes regular pro football is BACK baby!)
