AFCON in DEFCON 4
Is you’re wondering where our soccer posts have been…well we’re back! Wonder no more!!! Was it laziness that kept us away? The busy holiday times? The Fact that COVID cancelled a billion games and continues to postpone many others? All of the Above! Big Time bummer considering that in the Premier League the holidays are full of Festive Fixtures (stop trying to make Boxing Day happen. It’s not happening!) Anyway we missed basically all of those, but it’s fine because most of the leagues take time off, and then they were doing dumb domestic cup stuff, and while we’re still waiting for the Champion’s League to come back the screenwriters of soccer have given us 2 big fun distractions to keep us busy: The January Transfer Window & the Africa Cup of Nations. The transfer window in January is always a bit slower than that of the preseason, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be some surprises (see the Serie A Section) and we promise to keep you updated (if Mbappe leaves us now I will RIOT). The other distraction: AFCON, aka why all your favorite teams look really shitty right now. African Players headed home to rep their national team at the tourney in Cameroon (btw peep the opening ceremonies, they were sick), and everyone is complaining, but tbh the only reason AFCON happens this time of year is because the football orgs are all racist and FIFA was like “oh you guys want a tournament? Idk have it in January, we don’t have time for you” so it’s on now and not getting nearly enough attention. So let’s give it some attention!
In the AFCON…
You should know how soccer tournaments work by now: We got a group stage, then elimination rounds. AFCON has 24 teams competing, so 6 groups, and we just started the second round of group matches. Algeria is the defending champions, because they get all the dudes who can’t play for France (sorry but is true!), however they only got a draw against Sierra Leone in their opening match. Nigeria is definitely a favorite (well, they are at least according to the two Nigerian dudes whose podcast I listen to). As usual, everyone wants Egypt to be good just based off Mo Saleh, but guess what he is only one man! So they’re not off to a great start. We are pleased to see little cuties like Comoros and Cape Verde here in the tourney- Welcome Island Nations!!! Some of our faves play for Senegal (Sadio Mane), and another fave to root for is Cote d’Ivoire, but in this house we do support Nigeria, I don’t care if it’s mainstream, because their kits are TOO GOOD TO LOSE. SUPER EAGLES FLY HIGH! Things to watch: VAR in the tournament for the first time, the SPEED at which these players run (it’s crazy), and always keep an eye out for young talent (because they’ll probably be in the european leagues within a year or so). Anyway these games just be out here happening everyday so definitely check some out!
In the Premier League…
A lot of shit talking has been going on at Chelsea- namely by & about Romelu Lukaku, who did an interview where he was like: Things here are shitty and I don’t agree with any of the coaching decisions! Pro Tip: If you’re a professional athlete, your coach is your boss, maybe don’t shit talk them to the press and expect it to go well!!!!! Thomas Tuchel responded by just being like: That’s not helpful right now bruh, and now there is tension. Tuchel also praised America’s sweetheart Ryan Seacrest Christian Pulisic for being a real team player. TENSION! Elsewhere in the english league, a slew of FA Cup matches happened this past weekend, which we Do Not Care about. The headlines are that Liverpool conceded a goal to Shrewsbury Town (yup, a real place) but won in the end, whereas Arsenal got a whacking by Nottm Forest (again, a real place probably) and is eliminated. We might not care about the FA Cup but let me tell y’all: The Gunners do, they always do well, so this is a big disappointment. Speaking of disappointment: Newcastle was also eliminated (not surprising) which is extra embarrassing because guess who happened to be in attendance? Their new Saudi Daddy, who wanted to “come to a match they were guaranteed to win” (whoops) and then he went into the locker room afterwards to do what I can only assume was the World’s Most Terrifying Meet & Greet. Many teams are missing stars but action will return next week so stay tuned!
In Ligue 1…
After what can only be described as a French length of time off, during which I can only assume the players all hung out and watched Emily in Paris, the soccer is BACK baby, and there is INTRIGUE happening. St. Etienne (ASSE ASSE ASSE ASSE) is complaining because they have literally no players left with AFCON going on (which is kinda racist?)- like maybe try WINNING SOME GAMES and then you can complain about shit… ASSE is on the road to relegation with only 12 points in their 29 games and a goal differential of like…-23. Not great! Also: Monaco fired their coach, and Messi got COVID over the break. PSG failed to beat Lyon and ended the match with a draw, thanks to some truly uninspired playing and a goal conceded early (oops!). We WERE missing quite a few players to AFCON, and Angel di Maria (aka dobby) to COVID, but kinda no excuse fam you just had two weeks off. Marseille won at Bordeaux- something they haven’t done since 1977 which is BONKERS. The other game we watched was Reims vs Clermont, which ended in a DRAW despite Clermont playing down a man for THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME essentially. Ov vey.
In Serie A…
Mamma Maglione! Serie A was back in action in a BIG way this past weekend. It seems like all the good footballing is happening in Milan right now (a place I have been not to brag and I did have to scam my way into the Duomo because my dress WAS too short, very scandalous times)- Inter is on top of the table and looking nearly as good as they were last year, and AC Milan is riiiiight behind them. Also in the Greater Milan Area- Atalanta is also doing pretty well & sitting in fourth. Now that Champions League is thinning out (and by the end of february it may not contain any italian teams at all), more teams can focus on the Serie A of it All, so things could get spicier. The most talked about thriller was Roma- Juve, where Mourinho’s team somehow managed to blow a 3-1 lead in….the last 20 minutes. DRAMA ENSUED. TEARS WERE SHED. One this Jose Mourinho is going to do: he gon’ give you the emotion. The man delivers. Perhaps a soap opera star in a previous life, coach Mourinho was livid at his players who conceded a penalty, then earned a penalty and MISSED IT, then failed to win despite the other team playing down a man. Now that’s calcio baby!!! Meanwhile, at the middle of the table, Fiorentina continues to be a darling of the season (I mean, in this house we stan venezia, but to each their own), but Torino is breathing down their necks. Last but CERTAINLY not least, since we last chatted, a massive bomb was dropped on both Serie A & the MLS- Lorenzo Insigne is leaving Napoli and heading to Toronto FC (does he know how cold it is in Toronto? Stay Tuned). While MLS is not a shocking location for an aged footballer (retire to the MLS they said, it’ll be fun they said), Insigne is but a soft 30 years old! Which isn’t like PRIME TIME football age but he’s not that old! Anyway there’s a lot of confusion about the whole shebang, but in our opinion, Insigne is just trying to become Aubrey Graham & Toronto FC is just his Degrassi: The Next Generation.
