PRIME-TIME SLIME-TIME PLAYOFF WEEKEND

Plankton is a lot smaller than George Kittle it turns out

Is it a wildcard weekend if there are no controversies? Certainly not and thankfully the referees of both days of football this past weekend woke up and chose violence. Most of the games were blowouts (yay, I love watching a team win by…50 points!) but the ones that weren’t continue to cause controversy (because the rules of this sport are dumb!) and one of them INCLUDED A SLIME TANK.

Guys, I must say, I never want to watch football again, and not for the normal reasons of just hating the sport(that you already knew)- it’s because nothing in my entire life will live up to the Nickelodeon broadcast we got to watch on Sunday. The game itself was fine, whatever, but the graphics? superb. Spongebob & Patrick in the field goals? Unmatched. A replay by a video game version of the Teenage mutant ninja turtles? Using slime lines for routes?? I will never see a better portrayal of football. And thus, we must mourn its passing, and hold steady for next year, where we hope there will be more Slime Time Prime games (also?? Where was Muppet Night Football?) I guess let’s talk about the Actual Games.

WILD WILD WILD: The Upsets that Weren’t

Bengals 26 Raiders 19

Hello sweet controversy! Please, come in, make yourself comfortable, because referees who fuck things up in the post season are an NFL Tradition. I watched about a half hour of this game (Katrina: I also didn’t watch much of this because I was busy seeing GRITTY!!!!) but in fairness to myself it was after attending a wine festival, so take everything with a trendy Himalayan lamp’s worth of salt. Here’s what I saw: The Bengals doing a repeat of their previous matchup with the Raiders, going stomp stomp stomp on Derek Carr’s attempts to save what has been a very tumultuous season. But didn’t I promise you drama? Don’t worry, there was! Here’s what happened: Joe Burrow was vibing with the ball, looking for someone to pass to, very much inside the bounds, and a referee (who was maybe playing wordle or something and zoned out) looked up and was like WHISTLE WHISTLE HE OUTTA BOUNDs. AT THE SAME TIME, Burrow threw the ball, and some guy caught it, and it was a touchdown. Now who among us has not gotten confused? (we are confused every game if we are being upfront!) Who among us has not blown an errant whistle? It Happens! But truly they should have probably replayed the down, because players are trained to hear a whistle and STOP which, many of them did, which means the Raiders argue it was unfair to award a touchdown. Are they wrong? Probably not. Would the Bengals have won anyway? Probably yes. Another example of nothing mattering, is this Who’s Line Is It Anyways or what.

Bills 47 Patriots 17

Wow-EE it is FUN to watch Bill Belichick lose! Everyone entered this game wondering which rematch we were going to get: Was it going to be a replay of the Patriots going to the Bills and absolutely dominating them? Or would it be more like the Bills in Foxborough rolling all over Mac Jones’ little dreams? Well …. check the score. Josh Allen went out and pitched a perfect game. He had the quarterbacks version of a no hitter (probably, idk)- the Buffalo offense scored a touchdown on every. single. drive. No interceptions, no turnovers, no field goals for god’s sakes. IT was like playing a video game on super super easy mode, but also, it was in Buffalo in January, so it was literally freezing, actually below zero, making this all the more impressive. The Patriots are known for their creative and hard-to-pin-down defense, Belichick is (I hate to admit it) a bit of a mastermind in that area, but they had no answers for the Bills. Sadly I only glimpsed snippets of what I am sure will be a highlight of Josh Allen’s career, because I was at a bar yelling about sports rather than actually paying attention to them (although in my defense the bills were up by like 30 points at the time), but the MAFIA MOVES ON.

Bucs 31 Eagles 15

This was boring to watch but I do it for the fans! I had high hopes for this game, inspired by seeing my hero Gritty the night before. Swoop was also in attendance and he even taught Gritty how to fly! (nowhere is safe now). However, seems like Swoop should have spent more time flying down to Tampa and less time living it up at the Flyers game because the Eagles looked like a team that shouldn’t be in the playoffs. Good news, they’re no longer in the playoffs. This game just helped us gathered more evidence for our arguments to shrink the playoff field, people are wondering what that nice Italian boy who’s coaching the Birds is doing (to be fair to him this is only year 1) and whether Jalen Hurts is worth it (probs no), etc etc the usual crises. The Bucs are looking as good as usual, however they’re not a complete team (people keep getting injured as per usual), and I am not sure how impressive beating the eagles actually is (Reminder: the NYT said they were good but we were always skeptical), so I guess we will see this weekend.

Chiefs 42 Steelers 21

Late game, so you know what that means, we are not gonna be watching all of this.The Chiefs got off to a slow start, and then TJ Watt intercepted the ball for a Steelers touchdown (probably not a great sign for your offense when your first points in the game came from your top defensive player). You could tell the Chiefs were struggling and frustrated with how they were playing even though they were ahead, so after the half they came out guns a-blazin (just a metaphor thankfully) and ended up winning 42-21 (or so I read, because again, I went to bed). This sets them up for a showdown with the Bills next week, and having been to the Super Bowl 2x in the last 2 years, losing last year, you could say they got somethin to prove! Of course again the real story of this game was Big Ben’s imminent retirement (we think); homie definitely had senioritis because he gave multiple quotes right before the game being like “let’s just try our best!”. Well, it wasn’t your best and now it’s graduation time for you and the Steelers.

Rams 34 Cardinals 11

Oyyyyyy Arizona what is your DEAL my dudes. You have ALL THE TOOLS IN THE WORLD to do well and you just….can’t do it! Is it the pottsville curse coming back to haunt you? Is this just a typical case of unlucky injuries? OR did you blow it in the post season against a divisional rival who Elena really wanted to lose? ALL OF THE ABOVE probably. I miss my favorite Watt brother (JJ) and I miss DeAndre Hopkins and I worry about Kyler Murrays FUTURE because he just is not where we need him to be folks!! The man threw a pick six (Sigh heavily and then FINISH YOUR DRINK) in an attempt to avoid a safety (why, doesn’t he know we love a good safety???) while starting out deep in his own end zone. I was an English major in college and yet that still might be the most dismal run on sentence I’ve ever had to write! Meanwhile, the Rams have put their loss to the 49ers in the past, and are focused on the fact that they spent a shit ton of money to try to win a Superbowl THIS YEAR so they need to Make Stuff Happen. Odell Beckham Jr proved his worth, having an incredible game and leaving us all wondering what we’ve been missing with him never getting to play in the playoffs before. On top of that, the Rams did some sneaky backdoor rehab on Cam Aker, who tore his Achilles (ouch ouch ouch ew ouch) before the season and is back in RECORD TIME five months later (literally this has never happened before and people are hype about it. I for one am not hype about it because maybe it isn’t a great thing for the body long term to do like super super intense rehab just to play football, a game in which you are very likely to suffer other big injuries, but my complaints are falling on deaf ears so whatever). The moral of the story is the Rams are headed to Tampa Bay.

49ers 23 Cowboys 17

SLIMETIME: The Upset that Was

The ONLY game that ended up topsy turvy this weekend, despite the media telling us we should expect wildness at every turn, was the Wild West matchup between the Cowboys (America’s Team!*) and the 49ers. In the words of our favorite commentator, this game was CRAZY, and not just because there were about four thousand delay of game penalties. Seriously guys, how many times do you practice snapping the ball!?!?!!?!? Get it toGETHER, we can barely sit through this game as is so please don’t drag it out even more. Here’s what we liked in this game: Every once & awhile, a football player made of slime would rise up out of the turf and ooze all over the players. Slime Cannons went off in the endzones. Many people in attendance wore slime hats. The other graphics mentioned above. The sideline reporter Young Dylan who was TRULY thrilled to be there (kept shouting IT’S LIT and just running around like crazy…excellent energy). We liked Deebo Samuel playing as a running back AND a wide receiver and bamboozling the Cowboys constantly (Young Dylan was similarly impressed). When the Cowboys did a punt so high it hit the ginormous jumbotron in AT&T Stadium (which, we were informed by the excellent commetators is 6o yards long and at one time was the biggest HD screen in the WORLD. THESE ARE THE STATS I CARE ABOUT). This is the content we come for and stay for folks!!!!

Here’s what we hated, besides all the delay of games: The many other penalties. That’s dumb! It was fun when the Cowboys did a fake punt (adding a rule to our drinking game for a fake punt- they’re too fun NOT to chug for!), but then they RUINED THE FUN by not getting off the field in time and, you guessed it, getting a penalty. Hated the part where the 49ers almost got a first down but then we spent, no joke, FIFTEEN MINUTES being like “idk DO they have a first down? or is it ONE INCH AWAY from a first down?” Hey guys: IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER. WHY IS THIS THE HILL YOU CHOOSE TO DIE ON. Then they decided they had the first down. Then they realized the ball wasn’t in the exact right place. So then it was fourth and inches. And then the 49ers got a DELAY OF GAME PENALTY AND HAD TO KICK IT AWAY. Cut to me banging my head on the table repeatedly, attempting to understand the CTE headspace necessary for liking this sport. Lastly, our least favorite part was the end of the game, which was mired in controversy for absolutely no reason. After the whole kicking it away thing and the first down that wasn’t there were fifteen seconds left on the clock. Is that enough time to do anything? No. Did the cowboys try anyway? Yes. They chugged about halfway down the field and then time was getting VERY TIGHT so did they go for it? Did they make a big move? No, they took their inspo from the Week 18 Giants and said fuck it, QB sneak. Waste of time my friendos!!!!!! Then there are SECONDS left and they’re panicking and they’re like okay NO HUDDLE get ready LET’S GO and they set up to go and Dak puts down the ball and then the referee (or apparently the Umpire, because???) comes out to ACTUALLY put down the ball (because that is his job, he has to, it’s a rule) and kinda gets in the way (huge mood) and they can’t snap the ball in time and beeeeeeeeeeepp whistle whistle game over. Cue this being the only thing anyone wants to talk about for the rest of the week! But guess what friends: If the Cowboys deserved to win, they should have made that clear earlier in the game. In the words of Jojo, it’s just a little too late!

*Btw I got in an argument with a man at the bar because I was like it’s stupid to call Dallas America’s team and he said “he didn’t invent the nickname” which is truly no excuse! Stop Cowboys fans at all costs!

Never stopping with the Spongebob content

THIS WEEKEND

Happy divisional round to those who celebrate! There are 4 games this weekend and the Best News of All is that on Sunday the games are earlier so we don’t have to worry about them going on past our bedtimes! It’s us, your favorite 90 year olds. Saturday afternoon, The Bengals will face the Titans, who just got Derrick Henry back btw (but they shouldn’t just rely on him!!!!). The Bengals need to focus on defense and try to stop the run, which the Titans happen to be very good at. Joe Burrow needs to be his best self (pass to as many people as possible, stay creative), if they have any hope of winning, but as you know and as you’ve known all year long because we KEEP TELLIN YOU, the AFC is very tight, so these games will be spicy.

Personally we will be cheering on the Only Remaining Wild Card aka the 49ers, in their quest to beat the COVID DENYING AARON RODGERS on Saturday Night. These teams last saw each other earlier this season, a game which resulted in a heartbreaking loss for San Francisco (after Aaron had like :30 seconds or something to score a FG and he did it, which is RUDE and classic Aaron Rodgers behavior), despite Jimmy G’s heroics. Knowing Giuseppe Manicotti Guidice Sbarro’s Garropolo, he will probably throw at least one interception in this game, and it will be at the worst possible time. So as long as we are prepared for that!

Sunday afternoon (prime nap position) the Rams will head to Tompa Brady’s house to try to take down the reigning Super Bowl Champions. Honestly, I could see this game going either way, EVERYTHING will depend on the vibes. (and it’s in Tampa so the vibes are…questionable to begin with) Tom Brady is a man on a mission, and I am scared to think of what could happen to anyone standing in his way, but that being said, the Bucs are missing A LOT of players on both sides of the ball. The Rams aren’t in perfect shape either, but they have a scrappiness about them that could carry them forward.

You know how in every tournament/playoff situation there is one game where you’re like: This is going to be better than the final? (like when France faced off against the US in the WWC in the quarterfinals RIP). For the NFL, that’s Bills @ Chiefs, our Sunday Dinnertime game. Buffalo is coming off of the above clobbering of the Patriots, with Josh Allen maaaaaaybe in the best form of his life, here for a matchup of last years AFC Title Game, against a Chiefs team that hasn’t looked quite as unstoppable as they used to. For all intents and purposes, this could be the Super Bowl, and for the Bills, this will be their biggest test. Looking at the Chiefs this season is kind of looking at a teacher after seeing them outside of school: Suddenly they’re human. They’ve made a lot of mistakes, they’ve had some missteps, and they’re not as scary as we thought they were, but if you look at Patrick Mahomes, the boy has still got it. He is in better shape injury wise than he was at this time last year (when he had that toe thing remember) and had just as nice of a game last week as Joshy did, but it’s hard to know if it will be enough. I guess we will have to see, and, in the meantime, Katrina and I will be pouring out a little of our drink in memory of the slimes gone by, the TMNTs of yore, and the Nickelodeon broadcast that has moved on to that big broadcast in the sky.