YOU COULD HAVE KNELT: NFL Week 18
Me, last week: I’m going to tell you about a very slim chance that may happen and I’m only telling you because the commentators are going to talk about it, but there is no way that the Chargers & the Raiders tie
The Chargers & The Raiders: ok bet
Games That Didn’t Matter
Washington 22 Giants 7: The only reason anyone paid a SECOND of attention to this game is because the giants are bad (we know this) and unlike many other bad teams they’re keeping their coaching staff (mistake) and a perfect example of all this mediocrity is this:
Which you may have seen out in the twitter football world! Now it doesn’t mean much to me, someone who doesn’t know anything about plays and formations but the Giants are set up to do a Quarterback Sneak (The Quarterback…sneaks…through and runs the ball) VERY CLOSE TO THEIR OWN ENDZONE on a 3rd and long (dumb, because the quarterback sneak is for like, when you need to sneak a couple yard). Many memes ensue
Lions 37 Packers 30: Love to watch the packers lose! Shout out to the Lion for ending the season Not In Last!!!!!!
Vikings 31 Bears 17: Both these teams fired their coaches monday!!!!!!!! There are no winners here!
Games That Kind of Matter
Chiefs 28 Broncos 24: KC was vying for top spot in the AFC and despite being ASLEEP during the first half of the game, they ended up doing everything they could and got a win. Sadly they’ll still have to play in Wildcard Weekend aka WCW aka Woman Crush Wednesday, as the #2 seed.
Cowboys 51 Eagles 26: I mean, to say this mattered is generous, as both of these teams are already in and the Cowboys already won their division, but they boosted their W/L Record and now get to be the #3 seed in the NFC (don’t get me started on why they’re above the Rams, it’s complique). Also this was a Scorigami game!
Browns 21 Bengals 16: Good on the browns to stick it to their Ohio Rivals, but Joe Burrow (who took this week off) was headed to the WCW either way.
Titans 28 Texans 25: After the Chiefs won, the Titans had to win in order to lock up a bye & home field advantage. Dw tho, they nailed it, complete with a Julio Jones touchdown that has got everyone exciiiiited to see this team in the offseason.
Bills 27 Jets 10: Bills needed to win to beat out the Patriots for the top spot in their division and luckily, the Jets are the Jets.
Dolphins 33 Patriots 24: This game didn’t matter because *gestures above* but the Dolphins did fire their coach Monday (more on that later) so!
Bucs 41 Panthers 17: Tampa Bay already won their division, just boosting their seed with this win (I am sorry for that because in retrospect it sounds icky)- They’re now #2 in the NFC and will have home field for 2 games (assuming they survive WCW)
Seahawks 38 Cardinals 30: Cardinals are not looking so hot lately fam! With the 49ers result (more on that in a minute) the Cardinals just had to win to seal up their division, buuuuuut they couldn’t do that could they? It doesn’t really matter, because either way they face the Rams next week.
WIN OR GO HOME (aka, they went home)
Jaguars 26 Colts 11: Carson Wentz does NOT fail to disappoint ladies and gentlemen! Everyone was like “wow I didn’t see this coming!” But guess who did see this coming: ME. The Colts foiled me in a survivor pool in the 2020 season in week 1 and I have NOT TRUSTED THEM SINCE . In a game where everyone expects you to win: Make sure you lose, that’s what the Colts motto is baby!!!!
Steelers 16 Ravens 13: Can someone please tell me WHY THIS HAPPENED. Smh. Something about the Ravens and the Steelers just screams Old School Football, and no one is more Old School than Big Ben Roethlisberger, who ain’t retired yet! Now the Steelers need the primetime game to end in a win, for someone.
Saints 30 Falcons 20: If you’re going to go out, do so in a blaze of glory. All I have to say is at least we beat the Falcons.
49ers 27 Rams 24: @LARams: Meet me out back we have some fucking BUSINESS TO DISCUSS. All you had to do was beat the 49ers! In your own dang stadium! but NOOOOOOOO you decided to TAKE A NAP FOR THE SECOND HALF. The Rams were up 17-0. Enter: Giusseppe Michaelangelo Leonardo Davinci Stromboli Garoppolo, who has finally proved that at the end of the day, he’s the nice Italian boy you want leading your team. SanFran makes a comeback. The game GOES TO OVERTIME (how? How is there always overtime!?!?!?!?!?): SF Gets the bal. but they only get a field goal. The Rams get the ball. AND THE 49ERS GET AN INTERCEPPPPP!!!!! THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!! THEY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!!!! I cannot be mad at the 49ers, but I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THE RAMS.
Raiders vs Chargers: Ok folks. Here it is. Big finale. Ignore the drama with the Rams, because that’s the NFC’s problem, and here in the AFC, we’ve got a chance for 2 teams to go out there and just refuse. to. win. or. lose. This game proved severely unexciting for the first half, trading leads but not scoring a ton, Justin Hebert continuing to put the Chargers on his back as he has done all dang season. They have a big 4th quarter, with 2 TDs and even making a 2pt conversion to TIE THE GAME. 29-29. WE GO TO OVERTIME. This is the time to KNEEL fellas!!!!! You have made it seem like you tried! You have made this seem not rigged! You can spare us 10 minutes of football and you can both advance on to the playoffs!!!! But no. We go to overtime. The Raiders go first, and score a field goal. The Chargers go second and ALSO GET A FIELD GOAL. That’s tie game, 32-32 with a few minutes left. The Raiders chug down the field. They’re halfway down the field. It’s 2nd down, with 11 yards to go, and the Chargers call a time out. GIVING YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAY: Hey, we had a good day today everyone, let’s call it even! It’ll be HISTORIC! And then Derek Carr, with his steely blue eyes and deceptively disarming southern drawl, says NO. AND HE MAKES A PLAY. AND THEY MAKE A FIELD GOAL. Raiders 35. Chargers 32. Raiders in. Chargers out.
Meanwhile, in Indianapolis…
The College Football Championship was last night and it was a Grand Ole Opry of SEC Drama. A replay of the SEC Championship, where Stetson Bennet IV of Georgia QB Fame threw multiple interceptions and the Alabama offense made the most fearsome defense in college football look like a bunch of 10 year olds. Headed into this game we all assumed it would be more of the same, Alabama would be unstoppable (as they have been for like…years) and they would start scoring and never stop. Enter: Uga, the bulldog, this story’s unlikely hero. Well actually he just sat in his crate on the sideline but I’d like to think he really inspired the players. Stetson Bennett, the D1 Quarterback who really never should have been a starting QB, is an under(bull)dog to beat all underdogs: the man chose to go to Georgia, realized he’d never play, went to a junior college, went back to Georgia, and still tried and failed to get the starting job like 4 times. Since he’s been their starter, Georgia fans haven’t really had much faith in the mans, and tbh I get why. Add that to coach Kirby Smart, who’s never beat Alabama before, AND the fact that Georgia hasn’t won a NCAA Title in FORTY ONE YEARS- That’s right their losing streak is an Elder Millenial at this point. Anyway that didn’t have things looking great for Georgia so we kept our expectations for the game low and guess what! It was not what we expected! The first three quarters were a total snooze (we literally went to bed at halftime and, dear readers, I do not have regrets). 0 Touchdowns were scored, only field goals. And there were some big oopsies from Stetson (read: he got sacked right out the gate and then just straight up dropped the football when he was running with it…not a great look), but in the fourth quarter Georgia scored a bunch of touchdowns (3) including an interception pick 6 (finish! your! drink!) and they won!!!!!!! The drought is over!!!!! Now let this dog be free!!!!!
Looking Ahead
So as you may have guessed, some teams are not so happy that they aren’t part of the playoffs. No one likes feeling left out! Especially when that means they make less money! As a result, there are quite a few coaches out on their bums, as is apparently the tradition in the NFL (Black Monday). Mike Zimmer of the Vikings, Vic Fangio of the Broncos, Matt Nagy of the Bears and Brian Flores of the Dolphins all fell victim to Black Monday this year. Flores was a bit of a surprise for the pundits as the Dolphins won 8 of their final 9 games and clearly had pulled their shit together at the end but, NOT GOOD ENOUGH! The Vikings Broncos & Bears also cleaned house by getting rid of GMs too.
What about the Winners? Well for roughly a million other teams, it wasn’t over at week 18 baby! While the Packers & the Titans will take next week off (Spa weekend????), everyone else will get ready for WILD CARD WEEKEND this weekend. On Saturday: Bengals will take on Raiders, Patriots will once again face the Bills. On Sunday: The Eagles will attempt to thwart Brady’s Buccaneers, the 49ers will attempt to stop the Cowboys (western theme), and the Chiefs will go up against the Steelers. And on a Very Special Monday Night Wildcard: The Cardinals will face the Rams. Let’s hope its as wild wild wild as they advertise this shit to be, but as we all know, Football is overhyped! We’ll see you then (btw we are now officially part of the Bills Mafia)
