Aw Shit, Here We Go Again (Again)
FOOTBALL POST PART TWO BABY! In case you missed that chill in the air, it’s the end of the summer, it’s the end of the offseason, and it’s time to give each other concussions again! While Katrina & I have gotten a head start (just bonking our heads into each other at home), you can still catch up before kickoff (kind of dumb it’s a kick off when they barely do kicking in this sport)- read our part one HERE, and brace yourself because today we are talking about the N! F! C! First things first:
A Watching Guide
As much as I hate to admit it, there is a comfort in knowing my plans for a chilly sunday afternoon are curling up to take a nap to watch football. Sadly football refuses to be confined to that schedule, so there is a significant time commitment demanded by this dang sport. I don’t EXPECT y’all to watch all the football, but just an FYI: Thursdays are on Prime now (which is a really big deal, since it’s the first time they’ll be doing a main broadcast on a streaming service)(and we will not be watching it, as if we did anyways), you can catch Sunday games at a 1pm, 4pm, and 8pm ET window (and, depending on the weekend, you can come find me and all your favorite Saints fans at Parkside Lounge on the LES), and if you’re not over it by then, Monday Nights are still on ESPN. Yes, it’s stupid that the football week starts on Thursday and ends on Monday, but all categories are made up and all of time is an illusion. Oh, also, at some point there will be Saturday games, but that’s a problem for our FUTURE selves! They will definitely have the bandwidth to figure that out. Programming Note: As we did last year, we’ll hit you with a weekly recap, summarizing the games we didn’t watch (briefly) and analyzing the ones we did (if we remember them/didn’t sleep through them. We are nothing if not professional committed journalists!!)
THE NFC
This is what the kids call the National football conference. The one football conference in this nation. Probably! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Nomenclature is not the strong suit of the NFL. Why is a SAFETY 1) a position 2) a type of play and 3) a point value. There are clearly not enough English majors in their house. Get a THESAURUS. For some reason (maybe because of the Saints?) I know the NFC teams much better than the AFC teams, and was able to name all these categories by memory, which I guess isn’t that impressive, but if you actually believe the geographical terms North South East and West MEAN SOMETHING then often conference divisions say f your geographic expectations so! I am giving it to myself as a win. The takeaway here is that I initially forgot about 1 single team (they’re in there now dw) and I want you to try to guess who it was in comments. Ok, fine, onto the football. IF WE MUST.
NFC East- Pinnacle of Mediocrity
The Dallas Cowboys (AMERICA’s TEAM?)
The only positive thing the Cowboys have given me in this life is Tony Romo, my all time favorite football commentator (giving us such insightful analysis such as: THIS IS SO CRAZY. THIS IS, LIKE, THE CRAZIEST GAME OF FOOTBALL I’VE EVER SEEN. The man lives his life in hyperbole, and I think that’s beautiful!). Last year, we got Dak Prescott back from a big injury, and the Cowboys were…fine. Maybe he was rusty, but this is really a team where their success is fully dependent on how well their QB plays. Granted, they have a strong core in Ceedee Lamb & Ekekiel Elliot (a man who has a cereal bowl and the words FEED ME tattooed on his stomach), but they lost Amari Cooper and didn’t add anything else over the summer. And you thought YOU had an unproductive summer? They have a real superstar on their hands with Micah Parsons (a defender, maybe the best), and they’re good at scheming their way into wins thanks to that defense.
The New York Giants
The Giants speeding towards another bad season
Dudes Down Bad. I want to like Daniel Jones (starting QB), he seems like a nice guy, and he is objectively a talented prospect, though an untapped one. Since he’s joined the Giants, though, they’ve gone through multiple head coaches (never great, their play calling is straight garbage) and they’ve been unable to put together a solid offensive line (Saquon Barkley has struggled with injury but should be back this year, Kenny Golladay is talented but can’t carry a team, people are abuzz re: Kadarius Toney). New coach Brian Daboll (formerly with the Bills) should help to improve SOME aspects of this failing side but the rebuild is going…veeeery slowly. I think they’ll pull a few shock wins that will make us question everything (as we did literally once a week last year), but there are too many holes in this team to make them anything great.
The Philadelphia Eagles
We’re going to talk a lot about big money moves in this post, but the Eagles really flexed on the homies in the offseason and made a lot of important changes. Some of those additions include: CJ Gardner Johnson (more on that later), Haason Reddick, James Bradberry, Jordan Davis, and Nakobe Dean. Last year they were kings of zone defense, which meant a lot of times they would fuck up and let an opposing QB launch a sneaky pass. Embarrassing for a team that prides itself on a history of strong D (I’ll show you a history of strong D if you know what I’m saying)! On offense, they’re still figuring out how to use QB Jalen Hurts (switching halfway through last season to a run heavy strategy) but they made smart moves here as well: adding AJ Brown to complement DeVonta Smith and Dallas Goedert. They have to work on Hurts’ PASSING, and if they can figure that balance out then they have strong potential.
The Washington Commanders
So the new team named dropped, and congrats, I hate it. I personally LIKED saying the Washington Football Team.and what about the other choices? the presidents?? that would have been good!! or you know, footy mcfootface??? And you know what? You spent all this time having a racist name, that I don’t think you DESERVE A MASCOT now. Mascots are a PRIVILEGE not a right! Anyhoo, I will only be calling them Washington, because I take commands from no man!!! This is arguably one of the most problematic franchises in the NFL, and I’m not just talking about their choice in racist mascots- owner Dan Snyder has been under fire for a while now for creating a toxic environment for women and people of color (i am shocked and appalled!!) the entire org is under investigation (even testifying before congress!) (the irony!!), and like, annually, a bombshell report of new allegations gets dropped. I’m not saying that everyone here is a bad person, I’m just saying if you’re new to the scene and single and ready to mingle, maybe don’t go for the most toxic guy around. You might have heard Carson Wentz (Pete Wentz’s Brother) got dumped by the Colts— talk about a man who steps in shit and still ends up smelling fresh as a daisy, he’s found a new home already in Washington. Why do people keep throwing money at this medium talented QB who can’t inspire a team to save his life? I’ll truly never know, somehow people still rank him highly despite the fact that he 1) commits to a play even when it’s doomed to fail and 2) he’s a top tier fumbler. I swear he coats his hands in olive oil before games (shoutout to this kid I swam with in high school Jerry who literally used to do that before races). Honestly maybe like his brother he should turn to music. One thing they do well: defending on 3rd & 4th downs, which is not nothing! They have invested in a pass rush defense and retained a lot of solid components from years previous, so at the very least their defense will be better than last year.
NFC West
The Los Angeles Rams
I think you mean SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS Los Angeles Rams! Not to be repetitive, because we al heard this about a million times last year, but the rams went ALL IN for a WIN NOW strategy and, well, clearly it paid off! Despite rumors he was going to retire (at the ripe age of like 36), Coach Sean McVay is here to stay (rhyme time), as is QB Matthew Stafford (who’s been struggling with an elbow injury during training camp, so keep an eye on that) (maybe from patting himself on the back in all those AT&T commercials), and Aaron Donald (who got a great deal in the offseason) and Cooper Kupp and Jalen Ramsey, BUT Odell Beckham Jr. (OBJ) is a free agent and they traded away Von Miller, who was definitely a gamechanger in their locker room last season. It’s hard to tell how good they’ll be until some of those question marks get ironed out, and it’s ALSO really hard to repeat as super bowl champions, especially in a very competitive division/conference/sport in general. So the answer is I don’t have any answers. Sorry!
The San Francisco 49ers
THE LEGEND OF THE GREAT GIUSEPPE COPPOLA BAMBINO GAROPPOLO LIVES ON
Not that he’ll be playing! After last year (flashes of gold in the pan, that didn’t pan out: The 2021 Jimmy Garoppolo Saga and also the Gold Rush of 1849 for which they are named), Coach Kyle Shanahan was like, yeah, ur done baby, it’s time for Trey Lance (their rookie QB) to SHINE. He got some game time last year (they were trying the 2QB thing, which, NEVER WORKS), but will be QB1 come Week 1. Jimmy’s not going anywhere though, probably because they know if they take away this handsome Italian the probability of us watching games drops to 0, Who cares if he’s on the sideline!! The 49ers are not the team that went to the superbowl a few years ago, that’s clear, but they have the same set of sharp tools that made them a great side. And by that, I mean: Deebo Samuel, George Kittle (TIGHT END UNIVERSITY GRADUATE), Brandon Aiyuk, and Nick Bosa on defense. The questions are: what does Trey Lance do as a starter, and is this O line going to do ANYTHING, and that’s what will determine how well they do this year.
The Arizona Cardinals
One thing about the players on this team: They WILL be watching game tape this year, don’t get it twisted. Some background: Kyler Murray (a name that sounds like the result of a process where you fed an AI a bunch of white QB names and asked it to generate one) threw a little bit of a temper tantrum heading into the offseason (typical break up stuff: unfollowing the Cardinals on social, posting thirst traps aka pics of him playing baseball), but he was just playing games to secure a fat check (note to self: don’t date Kyler Murray, I’m not ready for that next level of mind game). Which he did! They just also included a mandatory homework component, which is a little embarrassing. The Cardinals did have some bad injury luck last year (Kyler and Deandre Hopkins both out for stretches of time) but the general consensus is that this team has not yet lived up to their full potential. Our hot take: maybe they never will! Coach Kliff Kingsbury (who, despite his dumbass name, got a big contract extension just like his QB) talks a big game, but it’s unclear what he actually does strategy wise, besides telling Kyler to get the ball to Hopkins (who, btw, will be serving a 6 game suspension to start the season). Their defense has been a key to success the last few years, but wasted draft picks and traded superstars could break that streak (unless my sweet sweet king JJ Watt- the third watt brother!- stays healthy and puts the team on his back!!!). Going to take some some kinda magic for them to make shit happen.
The Seattle Seahawks
The kitchen is closed: Franchise QB Russ Wilson has moved on, and the Seahawks head coach/chef Pete Carroll doesn’t seem to have any plan to reopen the restaurant (unless…Chef Carmy comes back to town???)- i.e. Geno Smith is their top quarterback prospect right now, and tbh on a good day he’s a dishwasher. (Ok if you’re lost: I’m not having a stroke, but there used to be this bit where people were like LET RUSS COOK and I recently watched the finale of the bear so!!!). The alternative to Geno is Drew Lock who is… also not ideal. The Seahawks will look to DK Metcalf & Tyler Lockett to carry their offense and a “let go and let god” attitude to carry their defense, but there are a lot of issues here, and I can really only imagine it going up in flames.
NFC North
The Green Bay Packers
Despite Aaron Rodgers looking like a knockoff nic cage and being, in general, a crazy person who definitely has been doing too much peyote in the off season, Packers ain’t too shabby of a team. I mean, the man is on Joe Rogan talking about doing psychedelics… he’s unhinged (but probably won’t get drug tested by the nfl because he’s a white dude and he’s been an incredible QB for the last 12 years straight they LOVE THIS DUDE). They definitely lost some good players: i.e. Davante Adams, who had 3x as many receiving yards as anyone else on this team last year. How do you make up for that? Potentially with rookie Romeo Doubs (incredible name, so much potential for jokes here), but in this house we strongly discourage hitching your wagon to a rookie. To be frank (and you know we always are here), I think this Packers era reached a peak two years ago (when they had that moment where they didn’t let Rodgers go for it on 4th down in a playoff game and then they lost and then he started a bunch of offseason drama only to come back and say he was committed to them…jeez this league has so many toxic relationships). They’ll still be good (defense is v good at forcing turnovers) and they’ll be better than a lot of teams (including mine!) but at the end of the day they won’t be sporting rings. i hope anyways, we don’t stan anti vaxxers
The Chicago Bears
Oh Chicago, honey, what is going ON. I hate to see a girl boss losing, and that’s what Chicago will be doing this year, they just do not have the talent to turn anything out imho. New Coach Matt Eberflus (absolutely WILD last name???? ) will try to keep it simple: his defensive strategy is HITS (Hustle intensity takeaways smart- does no one understand how acronyms work? this makes no sense) (did he get it confused with like HIIT workouts??) and his offensive strategy is DDATHJF (don’t do anything to help justin fields). Prayers for Justin Fields because he’s going to be fighting through a lot of mud this year to try to keep his “good qb” rep clean.
The Detroit Lions
Welcome to the school of hard knocks! If you’re not familiar: every year they do this cute little documentary where they follow a football team, and this year it’s the Lions, and now everyone thinks they’re sweet and is rooting for them. Obviously I cannot be trusted to watch things like this, because I will get too attached, and then be devastated when the Lions are, well, the Lions. And I hate that for Detroit. It’s like…you barely make cars anymore (BAN CARS), the red wings are trash, I don’t even know who the pistons are, pretty sure the Tigers are ass, like could you have any sports be good? It’s a Hard Knocks life after all. All they’ve added this year is DJ Chark, but they’re still stuck with Jared Goff at QB and it’s unclear if other offensive weapon Jameson Williams will return from injury. Like they might be slightly better than last year but…not good.
The Minnesota Vikings
Can anyone read the name of this team without thinking “new man on the Minnesota Vikingsssss”, because I surely cannot and now will be singing Lizzo all dang day. A Blessing! Also a blessing: the Vikings cleaned house in the coaching department after a disappointing performance last year and have put together a savvy team (see: former Rams OC Kevin O’Connell who is here to STEAL THE MANTLE OF HOTTEST COACH, she shouts about an incredibly normal looking dude) who will look to make the most of slightly-better-than-average QB Kirk Cousins (who got big money in the offseason, which, based on the qualifying adjective there, is very funny) and utilize the talent they have in Justin Jefferson, Adam Theilen & Dalvin Cook. Bringing in a coach from the Rams tells us one thing: they’re trying to be competitive right now, not later. They brought in a bunch of free agents to beef up the defense, which has been unable to live up to its potential in the past. I mean…if Lizzo is rooting for them then I think we all should.
NFC South
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers
After spending time with his family faking his retirement, then coming back, then taking a few weeks off to be in the masked singer, getting botox?, resting because he’s an old man, Tom Brady is doing the dang thing again with the Bucs. Granted, he retired because it is clearly going to be more of a project this year (Gronk retired, Antonio Brown is hanging out with Kanye, which sounds like a euphemism for mental illness but is just actually what is going on) and those issues aren’t going away, but Tom wanted to give it another try (or he couldn’t stand to be home! just saying!). Even with the Tom Brady drama on offense, they still have a strong defense (including Vita Vea, who I like because he got his teeth busted out in a game last year, which is some hockey player level commitment!) Bruce Arians may have relinquished his head coaching duties (now he’s a consultant…aka puppet master)
The Atlanta Falcons
HOTlanta where the players play! (Something people from atlanta say all the time ask anyone!) The pertinent question is WHICH players, considering they messed up big time in the offseason trying to make a play for Deshaun Watson (WHY) and then their quarterback of FOURTEEN YEARS (imagine having the same job for 14 years…to me? that’s crazy) Matt Ryan was like “babe does this mean NOTHING to you?” and LEFT (he’s @ the colts now I forgot to mention that last time). Right now they’re looking at either Marcus Mariota (not great) or Desmond Ridder (The RIDDLER?!?!?! Also not great) so the pickings are…slim to say the least. They had one of the worst defenses in the league last year also so….it’s just like not feeling incredibly optimistic for them right now. Atlanta football folks…at least you have UGA to support?
The Carolina Panthers
Last time, when we talked about the team that plays in Cleveland, we didn’t mention a Very Important Name- Baker Mayfield. And that’s because he had the good sense (read: no choice) to get the heck out of there! So he went to the place where you go when you look down at the blade in your hand and see the blood on it. Where you go when you are told that you are a bubble on the tide of empire. Where you go when you hear that thar's gold in them-thar hills. Where you go to grow up with the country. Where you go when you are literally any quarterback- CAROLINA. And yeah, I did reference the Steinbeck quote about going west again,I know it’s irrelevant, get over it (ok guys I am starting to think for someone who knows a lot of state nicknames, Elena may not know much about geography because Charlotte is objectively SOUTH EAST from Cleveland, literally no west involved) Much like the Tyra video from our last post, and the Pete/Carson Wentz bit that not a single person thinks is funny, there are many bits we are committed to regardless to how they are received. Anyways! Carolina has a bunch of quarterbacks and what is it we like to say? When you’ve got two starting quarterbacks, you haven’t got one. Legend has it! Baker has pretty much locked up the starter job, beating out Sam Darnold in a battle about who could care less, and if you remember from last year, the Panthers actually have a good player on offense: Christian McCaffrey (Also: DJ Moore). Since he’s back from injury, that bodes well for them, and say what you will about his acting chops or his many feuds or his general douchieness, Baker is a good QB. Defense ain’t half bad either.
The New Orleans Saints
WHO DAT NATION RETURNS and this year I have not 1 but TWO whole saints t-shirts to rep the team, so WATCH OUT! Last year, the worst case scenario happened for the Saints: Jameis Winston died. Ok that’s dramatic he didn’t die but it did get a season ended injury like RIGHT when he had hit his stride (not to be insensitive, but in this case I do mean that literally) We also had our best player, Michael Thomas (that’s not shade at Alvin Kamara, our other best player, it’s just a fact) out for the entire season. So we basically just depended on our defense, which worked pretty well (sometimes scoring more than our offense!), prayers, and Sean Payton. The Upside: Jameis is back and feeling good (what does that mean tho? tbd), as are Kamara (Pending his assault trial! Oops! He didn’t hit a woman though—the bar is on the floor—so I am not cancelling him) & Thomas (and Chris Olave, AND Jarvis Landry). The Downside: Sean Payton left. Some people (me, when I’m talking to non-saints fans) would argue that Sean Payton (one of the greatest offensive minded coaches in the NFL for the past 20 years) was pretty much solely responsible for us scraping by last season, but we must remain hopeful. “Hope” is the thing with feathers —/That perches in the soul —/And sings the tune without the words —/And never stops — at all —and anyways who NEEDS HIM!!! We also lost CJ Gardner Johnson, which is double edged because a) he was very good at his job but supposedly we are deep at that position vs. b) he got in several actual fights with team members and clearly created a bad locker room vibe. And the vibes are definitely key to a successful team! Besides, we have Marcus Davenport and Cam Jordan and Demario Davis and Tyrann Mathieu (big new signing!), so the defense is dependable. We’re staying hopeful, but we’re not going to be unrealistic.
FOOTBALL SZN RECAP
Do we like it? No! Are we going to watch it? Begrudgingly! Is this helpful for your fantasy leagues? Well, you tell us, tbh I have no idea how fantasy works and it seems like the NUMBER ONE RULE is that you just need to make sure all your good players aren’t on a bye. So remember that, try not to get concussed, see you after this is all over and we’ve blocked it out!!!!! Jk we’ll see you in TWO WEEKS to recap WEEK ONE.
