Transfer Window Extravaganza!!!!!!!!
Welcome back to a Very Special Soccer report, the likes of which you’ll only get when certain writers of this blog are looking for any and all reasons to not have an idle brain! Just kidding we’re not here because of our personal lives, we’re here for SPORT and there was bonus footie this week, so we thought you deserved some bonus content. PLUS the transfer window is closing (slamming shut! final sale! one time only!!!!!) and while a lot of the splashiest signings are behind us at this point, teams LOVE to race the clock and slide in some spice last minute. And who among us has not submitted an assignment at 11:59pm when it was due at midnight? We are here for the relatable content, and the soccer world continues to deliver.
In the Premier League…
Some teams didn’t wait until the last minute to complete their Transfer Window Projects, mainly Man City, who’s big money player Erling Haaland is proving to be an excellent investment. Maybe playing against Lewandowski for the last few years bit him with the bug, maybe he’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline… the point is the kid cannot stop scoring. He notched a hat trick again Notty Forest yesterday (UP THE TREES!!!!!), breaking a bunch of Premier League records (fastest to score multiple hattricks, most goals in however many games, etc etc etc). The trees didn’t have a shot. Also on their A Game: Arsenal, who continued their winning streak with a comeback over Aston Villa 2-1. Liverpool continues to struggle (baby girl do SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MIDFIELD) and went down 1-0 to Newcastle, before scoring in the second half, at which point I had to shut off the game because I got stressed out, which guaranteed their win (well, technically the last minute goal by Trent Alexander Arnold did that, but I digress). Leeds is really embracing their American Identity by showing up as a Huge Disappointment- they eked out a 1-1 draw against Everton on Tuesday. The Brentford Bees did the same at Palace, Chelsea choked at Southapton and lost 2-1, Fulham beat Brighton 2-1 (v good for the fully boys!) and Wolves-Bournemouth ended 0-0. Then today Manchester United continued to Look Like A Real Team and beat Leicester 1-0. I cannot speak for the second half of the game which was apparently super boring, but the single goal of the match was a beautifully coordinated team effort that was like…truly awe inspiring. Idk what Erik Ten Hag is feeding those boys, but it’s working.
In Ligue 1…
After a slow start in the game, PSG took down Toulouse 3-0 thanks to goals from Neymar, Mbappe, and SCRAPPY DOO aka Juan Bernat (I’m so happy to see this short king back in action this year!). Everywhere else was chaotic: Monaco scored an early goal on Troyes but then went down 3-1, got a red card, and ended up losing 4-2 (truly y’all need to get it together over there!!!!). Lille scored first on Nice but then gve them a Penalty and conceded a second goal shortly after, losing 2-1. Marseille and Lyon both managed to keep their shit together and get wins, so it’s looking like a Very classique top 3 in the french table.
In La Liga…
They decided to do their own thing and skip out on the midweek match mumbo jumbo. Idk how this will work schedule wise, but tbh it’s all a little overwhelming right now so I’m glad to have one less league to be responsible for.
In Serie A…
For me, the most important news out of serie a this week (besides the ongoing paul pogba saga) is that TIMOTHEE CHALAMET ATTENDED THE ROMA GAME. Petition to put Jose Mourinho in a Dune cameo. PLEASE. Roma continues to be on a hot hot hot streak, beating Monza 3-0 (Monza magglione!!!), but inter is close behind them after a 3-1 win over Cremonese. Everyone else is being dumb!!!!
In Transfer News…
We told you last time that Captain Pulisic was staying put at Chelsea, butt now we’re turning to another USMNT star Sergio Dest, who’s ignited a transfer drama of his own. He was first supposed to head to Villareal, and then was like, honestly nevermind, and skrrted to the Milan Yankees. Chelsea are making a late move to snag Memphis Depay from Barcelona (where he doesn’t play much tbh) after also securing Pierre-Emerick Aubamayeng from the team (big swaperoo). Man United stole Newcastle’s Goalkeeper Martin Dubravka, underlining the insecurity they feel with David De Gea currently. PSG remembered they had a chock full rosters and that none of those players were going to see the light of day, so they’re in the loan business, sending Kurzawa to Fulham, Idrissa Gueye to Everton, Abdou Diallo to Leipzig, and my favorite Blonde Haired Supervillain Leandro Paredes to Juventus.
