Ball Handling & Boys Clubs: NFL Part 2
The football is HAPPENING folks and we’re NOT READY. Here’s what we know, as expert sports bloggers: If you do not know every single player currently and formerly on a team or in the league, you aren’t allowed to have opinions! Or rights for that matter!
Wait a second.
If that sounds like some misogynistic gatekeeper shit to you, it is! And we’re not having it. Are we big ol’ dummies when it comes to football? Maybe a little. (MAYBE A LOT!) But we’re also like, really smart now, so we’ve done some research on your behalf and tell you what to say LOUDLY at a bar while a football game is on so you can twist the minds of the haters. IT’S NFL PART TWO BABY, NFC EDITION. (NFC stands for national football conference as opposed to the AMERICAN football conference, which is also in our nation. Seriously who named this shit? Is it any wonder our country is so DIVIDED!)
The Washington Football Team
*Insert minute long eye roll here. This team, who you might know under their recently discarded racist name, lacks CREATIVITY. Case and point: They couldn’t come up with a NAME. As an expert on mascots, I can tell you, this is weak shit. But! They did get a hot hot hot draft pick last year: Chase Young, of THE Ohio State University, who is essentially a brick wall, so I would not want to mess with that.
New York Giants
Ok so as CT natives, Katrina and I grew up in a state that is like, half Boston sports fans and half New York sports fans. And our grandpas were both New York sports fans, but for opposite teams. All this to say I don’t really understand the Giants’ fan base (feels like it’s just New Jersey? They even play there?). Their baby QB (Not Eli Manning, who retired last year. In the words of our grandma: “Those Manning boys are NICE boys”) Daniel Jones spent the off-season getting thicc, and this year will be his chance to make a name for himself. Oh! Also, Saquon Barkley. He’s important too.
Dallas Cowboys (cheerleaders included)
I’m going to hold back on my hate because I know some Cowboys fans and they are good people (aka my boss, who won’t read this, but I want to cover all my bases), but would like to say that they call themselves “America’s Team” which is a little ridiculous to me! I mean, they’re all America’s teams. (Also their owner won’t let people kneel during the anthem but I guess we’re glossing over that) What’s good is that they have retained a lot of their offense, QB Dak Prescott is in good company with guys like Ezekiel Elliot (whose tattoo choices are questionable) and CeeDee Lamb (a new recruit from the Sooners)
Philadelphia Eagles
A close second to The Entire City Of Boston on the list of Sports Fans I am Afraid Of. The Eagles won the 2018 Super Bowl and like…lit their entire city on fire??? But last year they struggled to 1) protect their QB (Carson Wentz, the lovechild of Carson Daly & Pete Wentz) and 2) along the lines of point 1, remain HEALTHY. Remember when we talked about injury being a big theme? Well the Eagles have lost a lot of their key offensive players already this year to sprains and tears and, well you get it. Oh, and, we like Zach Ertz, because he’s married to our friend Julie! (and is the most supportive husband you’ll find in sports!! We stan!)
Arizona Cardinals
I love a team that sees most of their peers named after cities and decides to just rep a whole state. That takes chutzpa and you gotta respect it. We also love the Cardinals because they traded for one of my favorite guys, DeAndre Hopkins, who (in case you didn’t do your homework and read the profile of him) loves his mom (who was blinded by ACID. Seriously. Read the profile) very much and brings her the football in the end zone when he scores. I mean!!! So wholesome!!! This team is on the rise. Katrina here : Still unclear why we choose to have teams in states where it’s routinely 100+ F
Seattle Seahawks
One of the best uniformed teams in the game (they work, don’t @ me), they need to patch up their defensive errors from last season and let Russell Wilson, DK Metcalf, and the other talent they have do their thing. The Seahawks have been pretty good about making the playoffs in the last 8 seasons, but they don’t go the distance. Someone play Russ that Hercules song and tell this team to shape up.
Los Angeles Rams
Their owner loves to own sports teams (the Avalanche, Nuggets, Rapids, and in a break from a Colorado theme, Arsenal FC) and spent a soft 5 billion in pocket change to make a massive new stadium for the Rams to decorate horribly. You can NOT tell me an infinity pool fountain is sustainably in LA. As for the actual athletes, they lost some razzle-dazzle but still have some offensive threats that will need to step up. (And by that we mean quit football, end up doing service at a classical dance school, and fall in love with Jenna Dewan)
San Francisco 49ers
We stan the 49ers for many reasons, but most of all because we are good Italian girls and 49ers QB Giuseppe Ricardo Garoppolo is our PEOPLE. Mamma magalione!! From Katrina: I spent an alarming portion of 2019 watching the 49ers and I refuse to invest that much time in something if it’s not going to pay off. OH! And their mascot is a bro named SOURDOUGH SAM!
Chicago Bears
DA BEARS. Chicago has a very solid (some might say ELITE) defense, but that’s not going to be enough to take them to the top. They’re having an indecisive moment choosing a starting QB- which, as you might have figured out is a big decision because the QB run…the entire offense. But no pressure. Unclear whether their kicker will be healthy this season either. (Side note: the kicker has the best job. Low injury risk! More respect for kickers 2020!)
Green Bay Packers
The Packers are an admirable team for several reasons. 1) They’re fan owned, which is basically like having a socialist team it seems? 2) They play in a place where it is LIKE, INCREDIBLY COLD. I didn’t know much about Aaron Rodgers until he was in the East-West bowl and his brother was on the Bachelor. He has proven to be a good QB, a fairly decent actor in commercials, and, not a dick like his brother. The Packers got a new quarterback in the draft this year, named Jordan Love, presumably to light a fire under Aaron’s ass. Their coach, Matt LaFleur (no relation to Peter I guess) seems pretty cute!
Minnesota Vikings
Did anyone ever find out which one of these guys is Lizzo’s man? Because that would actually be useful information here. The Vikes win points for being man enough to don purple and play in the freezing cold, but they lost a lot of their defensive staples in the offseason, so they have to figure out how to lock things down quickly to stay up to snuff. Or they could do what some teams do, and throw defense out the window and just try to score a bunch of points. (Just giving them options)
Detroit Lions
How is it that Detroit has one team (MLB) that is the TIGERS and now they’re ALSO the lions? (and bears, Oh my!) I mean a little CONSISTENCY would be nice! Detroit had the impressive stat of going 3 and 12 last season (great job guys! but I think you’re supposed to win the games?), and they’re brought in some defensive guys to try to make some magic (read: a slightly better result so that the coach doesn’t get sacked) happen this year.
New Orleans Saints
WHO DAT SAY THEY GON BEAT DEM SAINTS y’all these are my BOYS. The Saints haven’t won a Superbowl in 10 years, but they have had a lot of playoff action and drama (including but not limited to the Minneapolis Miracle and the No Call) since then. Last year I can’t say the refs were to blame, the Saints just kinda….boofed it? But this is our year! And by that I mean Drew should probably retire so this might be our last year! Loveable players include septum-pierced Alvin Kamara, Michael Thomas, and jackknife backup QB/all around everything Taysom Hill.
Carolina Panthers
The Panthers (rawr) acquired Saints darling/hero of last year’s Drew Brady Thumb-gate, Teddy Bridgewater in the offseason, so you will catch me yelling TEDDY IS A PRINCE anytime I see that teal on the screen. He used to bike to home games! Now he gets to work with another solid offense (like Christian McCaffrey who you might know from commercials) and shine in his own right. They also basically went from Not to Hot over the offseason, overhauling everything, so while it might be a tight fit at first.
Atlanta Falcons
I watched too much of the Sopranos in quar and now my brain reads falcons as Edie Falcos. And that could be a good note for them honestly. The Edie Falcos are good enough to win some games and bad enough to miss playoffs, and they start with an uphill battle against teams like the Seahawks and Packers.They DO however have Todd Gurley, who ESPN is obsessed with, and who was 2018 Offensive player of the year while with the Rams.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
In this house, we think it is WEIRD TO KISS YOUR KIDS ON THE MOUTH. We also don’t love Tom Brady, in case you missed that subtle undertone, and we think that when you’re 43 and you’re guaranteed to make the HoF and you’ve won a bunch of Super Bowls you can just retire and live in Brazil. But that’s not an opinion that Bucs Coach shares, and he expects big things from Tommy Boy and newly unretired boyfriend/noted himbo Gronk: they’re basically going all in on this season with these two.
The questions remain: who lives? who dies? who tells your story? Sorry, what? That’s not about the NFL? Oh. I gotta rewatch that musical I think I may have missed the point. I guess the big questions for us are: Will Katrina make an ass of herself in Fantasy Football? Will the Saints let Elena down again? Will ANYONE wear masks? And, most importantly, will this season’s commencement during the largest period of social upheaval in our country force the NFL to take accountability for their blackballing of Colin Kapernick, their ostrich-with-its-head-in-the-sand history, and their responsibility to their players to respond to injustice? BREAKING NEWS, we just got the answer to that last one and it’s an aggressive no. Maybe next year!
For now, we’ll just hope they follow concussion protocol.
