My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (Football League)
NFL WEEK ONE BABY
If you’ve been keeping up, you’ve probably noticed that me and Elena have only recently gotten into the NFL and have a definite preference for the real football aka soccer. Why? I mean, let me count the ways : NFL games are literally 3 hours long, there’s 10 bajillion people to follow on each team, the terminology and plays are complicated, as far as I can tell there are no women color commentators…OH YEAH and it’s a ridiculously DANGEROUS SPORT that puts men (largely BIPOC!) at long term risk while simultaneously reinforcing and upholding systemic racism (but y’all aren’t ready to have that conversation!).
In any case, like Ron Swanson, I believe in never half-assing things, so I am whole-assing this football season by joining a fantasy league. For background, this is my boyfriend’s historic college league and for sad reasons I won’t get into here, I am taking the place of a very beloved player. So, you know, no pressure. With that, welcome to our recurring NFL wrap up featuring my fantasy tops and flops. (You might be thinking: No one cares about your fantasy team. Wrong! Elena cares. She told me. And she already got eliminated from her survivor pool for trusting the wrong people— aka the Colts— so this is for her).
A BRIEF NOTE ON FANTASY
For those who are unaware, like the REAL NFL, fantasy leagues also have a draft where you decide who you get. Unlike the real NFL, I did not film my draft picks in my sick bachelor pad basement (looking at u Commish). In a stroke of beginner’s luck, I got SECOND PICK in my draft. What was my strat you ask? THERE WAS NO STRAT. Or rather, the strategy was “pick players I have heard of who aren’t involved in off-field controversy” and “when in doubt ask my bf” (although I realized about halfway through he’s also my competition so maybe he sabotaged me?) I prioritized players with STYLE and also, the 49ers, because I watched a ton of 49ers games last year (for nothing might I add)
How does fantasy work? Basically, you get points in fantasy for how the players perform in real life. The most important players are good wide receivers and running backs because they get you the most points. You face off against one other player per week. Like a real coach you have to make decisions- is this player well enough to play? Should I put in another running back since he did well last week? Does all of this feel vaguely problematic? You tell me.
Because there’s seemingly 50 games each week and just as many round-ups, ours will prioritze SPICY TAKES and my fantasy outcomes. For week one, we’ll do all the games but will be selecting our faves moving forward.
ROUND UP WEEK ONE
Chiefs 34, Texans 20 Reigning SB Champs proved they’ve still got the stuff with a little help from rookie Clyde Edwards-Helaire. The commentators made a point of telling us the H in his name is silent, and then proceeded to pronounce it wrong all evening. The other highlight: before the game, all the players stood together in a moment of unity against racism, and the proud people of KC, MO booed them. In case you forgot which side of the Mason-Dixon they’re on, they made sure to remind you!
Ravens 38, Browns 6 - Apparently the Ravens have a guy named Lamar Jackson who’s good even better than last year. You’re gonna want to write that one down. As for me, I have Odell Beckham Jr aka OBJ aka a player i have seen on commercials so assumed he was good (Also he makes sick kicks). However as the score indicates, he did MEDIUM yesterday. At one point the Browns had a 3rd down where they were 41yds from a first down. Browns gon’ brown! Thanks for nothing.
Saints 34, Buccaneers 23 The Saints as usual were oppressed with some bad calls in this game, but in a battle of aging QBs, came out with the win. Tom Brady looked real tan. From Elena: WHO DAT NAY SHUN BABY. ALVIN KAMARA FOR PRESIDENT.
Rams 20, Cowboys 17 OK FINALLY. I have Eziekial Elliot, a running back with both a septum piercing AND a nose ring (personally I feel like those can’t be safe to wear during a contact sport). He CAME THROUGH. I also have the WR Gallup (I figured he’s fast because his name is Gallup), who got some sort of illegal contact call against him (hard to believe that any contact in this game is illegal, it’s a free-for-all out there but, okay ref, pop off) which led to the Rams winning. I’m mostly against the Rams because 1) they have horrid branding and 2) their new stadium was absurdly expensive and maybe that $$$ could have, I dunno, built ANY. OTHER. INFRASTRUCTURE.
Packers 43, Vikings 34 Don’t have anyone on this team so don’t care too much but as a former temporary resident of Wisconsin, I support all cheeseheads. Highlights here included: Offense, if you can’t tell by the score. Also, Elena would like to start naming certain matchups and she has declared this the “Ope” Derby.
Jaguars 27, Colts 20 Sorry not sorry but I don’t believe Jacksonville should have a team. There are 3 teams in a state that has done nothing but screw up our elections for decades and provide us with Florida Man stories. They gotta go. PLUS I have the Colts defense (oh yes forgot to mention, you draft one whole team’s defense splain me that). My boi Jonathan Taylor, former Badger hero, had a great game! On Wisconsin! From Elena: Notably, everyone said the Colts were going to win and EVERYONE PICKED THEM INCLUDING ME. Indianapolis, meet me outside after school. We gotta talk.
Washington 27, Eagles 17 Is anyone still rooting for a team that only just now got rid of their racial slur name?? (and replaced it with…nothing). My opponent this week is a huge Eagles fan and had their running back, so this score was good for me even if I don’t support Washington. And even if Elena needed the Eagles to win.
Cardinals 24, 49ers 20 The 49ers are last season’s runners-up (Always the bridesmaid…) I have hella 49ers notably GEORGE KITTLE, my number one draft priority. Why? First of all, he’s a tight end which is a hilarious position name and also, he’s a baller. Sadly, he got hit early in the game and did just okay. Raheem Mostert, the SF RB, had a fantastic game (he does a gnarly surfing celebration when he scores) so even though they lost, I’m proud of them!
Bears 27, Lions 23 Detroit fans should be celebrating the fact that they didn’t have to watch this go down in person. Leading for most of the game, they managed to fuck that up and the Bears made a comeback. For the record Elena was going to pick them to win and everyone said they’d NEVER win. She hates it here.
Raiders 34, Panthers 30 Uh… we’ve got no notes on this one. We’re glad everyone had fun?
Seahawks 38, Falcons 25 Neither of us watched this game, nor did we want to. Here’s what we learned from stats: Don’t fuck with Russell Wilson, and Falcons shouldn’t try to go for it on the 4th down, because it paid off ZERO times for them.
Chargers 16, Bengals 13 JOE BURROW JOE BURROW JOE BURROW. The! Kid! Has! WHEELS!
Bills 27, Jets 17 I picked this QB on a whim and honestly, it is working out great so far. He did fumble (that means straight up DROP) the ball twice, but he still ended up getting a bunch of points for me! Good work Josh.
Patriots 21, Dolphins 11 As we’ve mentioned previously, we’re not huge Pats fans. But it is nearly impossible to root against anyone whose QB shows up in this drip. I mean… I know we talk about outfits a lot (too much?) but Cam raises the bar for everyone. And he proved that when you DRESS GOOD, you PLAY GOOD.
Steelers. 26, Giants 16 Juju Beans Smith-Schuster had a great game (See! We told you to watch him! We know things!), and despite Elena visiting a New Jersey town where tons of Giants players live, they didn’t perform well enough to win. The commentators also mentioned Ben’s elbow about 1000x, which is our new Steelers drinking game.
Titans 16, Broncos 14 I’m sorry but do you really expect us to stay up until ONE AM for this? Before the game, Broncos lost another player to injury (almost as if… this sport… is too dangerous?), and the Titans head coach wore this hilarious mask. Breaking news we learned upon waking this am : Derrick Henry: he weave, he bob, he score TD cuz that’s his job.
It’s hard to pick a favorite part of such an exciting week! Elena cried when getting eliminated from her survivor pool, and now everyone she works with is convinced she’s a jinx. The league sent out a very passive aggressive “memo” to teams Monday AM reminding coaches to wear masks on the sidelines, which Andy Reid excelled at and others…not so much. Also, the commentators boldly declared that pretty much every team is going to win the Super Bowl. No joke, at least three separate games they said this. They even said this about the Bucs, who, you may have noticed, LOST.
@ Networks, if you want to replace them, we’re available. Until then, we’ll see you next week.
P.S I WON MY FIRST WEEK OF FANTASY????
