I Bet That You Look Good On the (Big) Dance Floor: MARCH MADNESS PART I
Hope y’all brought your tap shoes because LADIES AND GENTS IT’S TIME TO BIG DANCE. That’s right march madness is here in a field with no clear breakout leader and lots of potential disappointments, in other words - it’s WIDE OPEN this year. They say anything can happen in March and tbh I am starting to think they’re right- we are in for some wildcards (and wildCATS) and primed for some upsets. Of course all of this means that the painstaking amount of research that Katrina and I typically do to prep for these large scale events will immediately be useless once a no. 1 seed gets upset in the first round and all of our brackets are busted, but that’s the nature of this tournament baby! Besides who would we be if we were not wildly overprepared and insufferable know-it-alls on an irrelevant topic? Whether or not you use this to build your bracket or to flex on old dudes at bars (something I did this weekend and, dear readers, I forgot how fun it is to tell a 50 year old St. John’s fan that he is wrong, it is the single greatest thrill for me and you simply must try it), it’s fun to watch the dance knowing the stories of these teams ok so let’s do some learning!
As you may expect with a field of 68 teams (68? Not 64? We’re not bad at math, ok yes we are but don’t forget about the “first four” aka the 4 play-in games for some low level random ass teams who have to earn their actual bracket spot still), there is a lot to know, so like the curtain rods I am attempting to assemble in my apartment right now, this blog comes to you in 2 parts. Part 1: A Brief Breakdown of the BreakDance, and the South & East corners of the Bracket. Part 2: An Ode To Charles Barkley & the Midwest & North corners of the bracket. Like an NFL conference name, these geographical associations are mere suggestions, we live in a global society, everything is made up, etc etc. Teams are listed next to who they’re playing, so you can compare to pick your matchup right then and there.
Some details on the dance itself: The First Four games will happen March 14th and 15th. BRACKETS LOCK ON THURSDAY. Then, over the next four days we will witness the greatest events in the world of basketball (and I am saying that as someone who works in professional basketball) : The Round of 64 (March 16th & 17th) and the Round of 32 (March 18th and 19th). Giants will fall. Legacies will crumble. Heroes will emerge. And we? Will be worshipping charles barkley and drinking guinness as god intended. Then there's a wee break before the Round of 16 (March 23rd- 24th), Elite 8 (March 25-26), FINAL FOUR (April 1), and the championship (April 3rd). Ok enuf admin lets ball baby!!!!!
THE SOUTH
1 Alabama The Crimson Tide - The overall number one seed, this is a young team with a lot of depth. They’ve been on the rise for a couple of years (and if you’re thinking, wait, aren’t they a football school, apparently yes, and. It doesn’t seem fair to me either!) but haven’t, in our opinion, been able to make such a splash in March. This year, with the SEC title under their belt, they should be primed to do so, EXCEPT there is a lot of off court drama that plagues the pristineness of this season- former member of the team (and by that I mean a member of the team until January when they really were FORCED to kick him off) Darius Miles & his friend Michael Lynn Davis were indicted on capital murder charges of a young mother (to which the admin was like mm yeah they messed up but they’re not on the team anymore, I don’t know them!) and then MORE recently star player Brandon Miller has gotten into hot water for allegedly PROVIDING THE GUN that was used in the murder. We must say allegedly because as per his lawyer “Brandon received a text about the gun but has not handled the gun, did not exchange the gun and has no knowledge of the gun being in Miles’ possession”. Very specific and interesting wording that sounds not at all like you’re skirting around something! And then the Bama coach was like “he was in the wrong place at the wrong time” which is so relatable like I HATE when I am in the wrong place (a murder scene) at the wrong time (when the murder is happening). Anyway their booster club wore shirts that were like “killing it in the SEC in 23” to the conference which…is a choice and beyond THAT as a reason we have to cover this story- the youth of this team combined with the media pressure that his story has spurred will make MArch tough on them,
PLAY IN 16 Texas A&M Corpus Christi The Islanders - Not me learning that Corpus Christi is kinda an island?? Well more like an OBX style thing but ok! These Southland tournament champs were top in offense and defense in their league, but I am sorry I TRULY have never heard of this conference, I think they may have made it up? If they win their first round matchup, I still cannot see them beating Bama (unless… murder?)
PLAY IN 16 Southeast Missouri State SEMO aka SEE MO BUTTS (Ironic because Missouri is the Show Me State…it’s like they said SHOW ME and then responded SEE MO), The Redhawks - Coming to us from the Ohio Valley Conference, this is an example of a team that was in the right place at the right time (NOT a murder scene during a murder) (we joke but guys I cannot believe this is not the top story!!) in that they were kinda ass all season and then went on a run to win their conference championship, so got an autobid. The Ohio Valley I have actually heard of but it’s not very good.
8 Maryland The Terrapins - A Big10 team that’s let me down several times now, but as always I have to stan their graphic design and their commitment to the bit (the bit being their state flag). A strong showing all season led to a bit of a collapse towards the end, and they don’t have an incredible record against Quad 1 teams (Quad 1= top teams, it’s an important metric for the selection committee). Furthermore, they apparently suck on the road (and believe it or not, this tournament is ALL on the road! Unless Houston makes the final four which will be in Houston!) . If the best version of Maryland shows up, they could make a run, but if the crappy version shows up, they could lose this opener against WVU.
9 West Virginia The Mountaineers - Almost heaven, West Virginia! (fun fact that song is actually about westERN virginia but whatever it’s a banger AND the namesake of Joe Manchin’s houseboat) WVU is known for physicality and forcing turnovers, leading them to dominate a bunch of teams at home. Again though, this tournament? NOT AT HOME. Shoutout to Erik Steveson, a name that sounds Viking for sure, who averaged 15 points a game (38% from 3 which is good!)-- even still it’s really a toss up for their opening matchup. Lots of people are saying this is the 8-9 game to watch!
5 San Diego State The Aztecs (problematic?) - They’re in the lesser-appreciated Mountain West Conference, but this team is very solid, with star Matt Bradley staggeringly accurate from the 3 point arc. Over the past 3 months, they’ve only lost twice, and they have one of the best defenses in the country (and we all know DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS) so you could say they’re feeling themselves! A 5 seed is always an intriguing pick for a deeper run (especially this year with a lot of good teams in the 4-5 range) - this team might just be better than you think.
12 Charleston The Cougars - An automatic qualifier from the COLONIAL conference (lol), people are talking about Charleston as a potential upset contender (the 5-12 matchups are always a good time for that!). One thing about Charleston is they GONST to be shooting the 3s. Are they going to be making them? Not always and not even the majority of the time, but shoot enough and some are bound to go in! As Dom Mazetti once said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take -and I’m always down for shots. They also play a high-tempo game and are solid on rebounds, so even if they miss it’s not the end of the world because they’re good on the recovery. With only 2 losses since November, this is definitely an upset to consider!
4 Virginia The Cavaliers aka the Hoos - Hailing from the historically strong ACC, Virgina has been a contender in the past, but their conference is way less powerful this year than in previous years. This team is highly effective on defense, and has the benefit of experience and veteran players, but it’s not the Virgina of years past - I’m not going to lie to you, I think they’re a bit overrated (esp because they’re one of the worst free throw shooting teams in the country- you gotta make those fam!). THAT BEING SAID I do love their coach Tony Bennett (yes, the crooner, it is definitely the same dude)
13 Furman The Paladins, which is like a Roman soldier-type thing/knight? - Winning the SoCon to qualify automatically, this team dominated their conference, often winning by 15+ points. However, this is not a conference most people particularly care about, so take that with a grain of salt. They do have a 6’7” star in Jalen Sawson, who averages double digits per game. I’m guessing a lot of people will pick this as a trendy upset (the Athletic claims it’s the most mathematically likely one, with their math being done by *checks notes* the Furman University Math dept?) but I’m not really feeling it.
6 Creighton The Blue Jays - Big East in the house! With great defensive efficiency and a very tall (7’1”) man named Ryan Kalkbrenner, the Blue Jays were expected to start off the season strong. They boofed it out the gate but then rallied to finish well in conference play. And lest we forget, the Big East is an excellent bball conference, with some real contenders in it this year, so their quality of play is probably pretty good. I have a tendency to maybe overestimate my in-conference foes, but at the same time, I do think the committee often underseeds Big East teams (do they hate catholics????? discuss)
11 North Carolina State The Wolfpack - Some of you may have heard of Coach Jimmy V, the subject of the ESPN 30-for-30 “Survive and Advance”, which documented the surprising run that NC State had in the tournament in the 90s. If you’re me, you also didn’t make the connection that Jimmy V is the same Jimmy V Foundation, and when he gets diagnosed with cancer in the documentary I was like he’s gonna be ok right?? RIGHT??? Spoilers guys he was NOT ok and he gave this iconic speech at the time; bref, all this to say that they used to be good a while ago and haven’t been amazing since but part of me still likes them because Jimmy V is a G. This year they have a great player and projected 2nd round draft pick named TERQUAVION SMITH (immediately won me over!). Their main problem, like many of the teams here, is consistency. They beat Duke by 25 points but also lost to Clemson by 25 points… difficult to pin them down. This is also a popular upset pick, again, I’m not so hot on it but my job is to just let you know!
3 Baylor Da Bears - these Baptist Bears won it all 2 years ago (something I literally forgot), and are clearly good but rebuilding - their best player is a freshman named Keyontae George, but they also have LJ Cryer and Adam Flager who are two of the nation’s TOP shooters. Like many teams that are so hot right now, they have decided defense is a waste of time and have bad efficiency scores there, but they might just be able to shoot their way around that. I’m against them because Texas AND Baptist?? You know they don’t drink the wine right?
14 UC Santa Barbara The GAUCHOS I love these sneaky looking lil cowboys! - Coach Joe Pasternak used to be the assistant at Arizona (see below!!) and is taking that aggressive offense to the Big West conference, where the GAUCHOS dominated and did NOT turn the ball over (many many teams forget that giving the ball to the OTHER team is actually bad for your game). Their top player, Ajay Mitchell, is the conference player of the year (does that mean anything in a midmajor conference, tbd). Honestly, they haven’t played anyone good enough to get a read on them, but also… they are sneaky cowboys so that is something to consider!
7 Missouri The Tigers - New coach new me! Dennis Gates arrived last summer and is all about building a DEEP RELATIONSHIP with his players - this commitment convinced star player Kobe Brown to stay at Mizzou instead of transferring. They entered the SEC on a hot streak, so they could have something to say here. I feel like this is a team people are always throwing out there and I’m like what’s their DEAL you know?? Recurring theme this year frankly.
10 Utah State The Aggies - If you’re thinking, I’ve heard the name Ryan Odom before, yes you have because he was the coach that steered 16 seed UMBC (gooooo retrievers!) to their win over 1-seed UVA in 2018, making history. Can he make magic at a bigger school? Time will tell! So far, this team has an effective offense and strong defense inside the arc, but again they play in smolboy conference, so will they be effective here - hard to say. The 7-10 matchup is another CLASSIC upset pick if you’re feeling frisky. Also I (Elena) have been in their team locker room and it is CRAZY nice like it’s so fancy so they MUST be chillin with amenities that luxe.
2 Arizona The Wildcats - is it a coincidence that Troy Bolton is from Arizona (but apparently East High is in Salt Lake City…suspicious) and his team is called the Wildcats too? No! A historic Pac-12 powerhouse, Zona made it to the Sweet 16 last year before being upset, and started off this season relatively strong. Then, like many of the teams this year, they went on a bit of a slump (winter blues amirite, though they don’t really have winter in Tuscon), only to come back and win the Pac-12 championship to qualify automatically. Again, what’s going on here! They have an INCREDIBLY prolific offense, led by Azuolas Tubelis (incredible name!) at forward and completed by several big men and flexible guards. The main thing about Arizona is they gotta get that offense GOING and their defense is only mid, but that won’t matter if they just keep scoring points! They also only run a 7 man rotation, so they’re not super deep as a team.
15 Princeton The Tigers - coached by former star player Mitch Henderson, Princeton is a regular from the Ivy League in this tourney. This year, they shared the regular season title with Yale, and then faced them in the conference title game (grudge match!). I never really root for Ivies because I’m like, y’all got enough going for you, you don’t need this too, plus Princeton is in New JERSEY so! I will say they score well and dominated Ivy League opponents, but those teams tend to be smaller than your average power conference player.
THE EAST
1 Purdue The Boilermakers - Every year I bet on BIG10 teams to make a run in the tournament and EVERY YEAR I AM PLAYED. I will NOT be played again and I especially feel this way about Purdue (what IS a boilermaker? No one knows but it’s provocative! Actually it’s a person who makes boilers! Union strong!). They jumped out early this eason as a standout team, but once they were top ranked they crumbled a little. They won the Big 10 tournament, but just barely- they gave up what was at one point a 20pt lead to let Penn State make a comeback and honestly eked out a win thanks to a late foul and some help from God, probably. Anyway I don’t trust this team. Yes, they have big (7’4”!!!!) man Zach Edey who is wildly good (although sometimes it’s like…are they good… or are they just a large person… you know?), Yes, they are battle tested, Yes they are a no.1 seed and have been strong all year long but…idk something about them seems beatable (for example Indiana beat them 2x) The question then becomes who in the East has what it takes to knock them off the pedestal.
16 Texas Southern The Tigers - Ok guys ACT like you’ve been here before! Texas Southern has danced the last 3 years thanks to winning the SWAC conference (their main rival in the conference? Southern. Incredibly creative names you got going on down there y’all!!), but, as you can tell from their first four placement, that only gets you so far. Their problem is that they tried to play a bunch of out of conference teams in preseason (probably in a bid to prove their worth) and…lost to all of them (Texas Tech, Auburn, Houston…tbh what was TSouthern thinking would happen?). I have truly no faith in them but I hope they have fun!
16 Fairleigh Dickinson The Knights - With a name sounding straight out of the Upper East Side’s own Dalton School, Fairleigh shouldn’t technically be here, and not just because they’re too preppy coded to ball. They’re in the NEC conference, which gets an auto bid-- FDU lost to Merrimack in the conference finals but in a kooky lil NCAA rules style twist, MErrimack is ineligible for the dance because they haven’t been D1 for long enough. We love a crazy zany little rule that feels arbitrary! Anyway the Knights are here and they're going to make the most of it! They have 0 defense and are just vibin!
8 Memphis The Tigers - If you follow us on instagram (which you should because that's where we will be posting lots of IN TOURNEY UPDATES) you know that I, Elena, am a MEMPHIS STAN because I am a PENNY HARDAWAY TRUTHER and by that I mean I think he is a good coach and I really like his name. Also I just read his whole wiki to make sure there wasn’t anything problematic in there (you never know with these coaches- I am looking at you Rick Pitino! People will literally hire a man who beat up his fiance instead of going to therapy…Ole Miss me with that bullshit) and this man is truly just a hometown hero who is investing in Memphis and we love to see that pay off! Memphis made some waves in the American Conference Tournament Final by beating no.1 seed Houston pretty comfortably (more on them later), and honestly they’re just a fun team to watch. Like I willingly watched them beat the shit out of my dear Tulane because they (read: star player Deandre Williams) were making shots like this and the basketball was too good to turn away:
9 Florida Atlantic The Owls - This team is what they call a mid-major- aka they don’t really play any challenging teams in the regular season because of their conference but we still see them in March, and, as mid majors go, they have an impressive set of stats. They went on a 20 game winning streak early in the year and come into the tournament on a 9 game one, so they are used to having momentum. Players to watch include Johnell Davis who has a GREAT 40% from 3 average and Alijah Martin.
5 Duke The Blue Devils - You might know this team as One Of The Most Famous Basketball Schools Ever, but friendly reminder that this is a whole new Duke U in their first season without longtime leader and legend Coach K. I mean, sure, he handpicked his replacement (John Scheyer, who is only like 35 and played for duke AND won a championship with them), and yes, it’s still his recruitment program that made a team like this possible, but they are DIFFERENT NOW ok!!!! Sadly for us haters, they’re still very good- they come into the dance fresh off of an ACC Tournament win, the climax of an 8 game winning streak. They struggled a bit with injuries earlier on, but have really found a groove thanks to the return of Jeremy Roach & Derik Whitehead (unfortunate names for both) and breakout freshman Kyle Filipowski (on the other hand, great name). A team to watch-- momentum is everything.
12 Oral Roberts The Golden Eagles - One thing you must remember is that this tournament is built for upsets, so once a team pulls one off, we WILL be spending the rest of history talking about it. Remember when Florida Gulf Coast beat Georgetown? (yes RT if u cri evryteim) No, but commentators will remind you! Oral Roberts is one of those teams- they went on a run in 2021 beating THEE Ohio State in OT, and the Florida Gators in the next round, and people went craaaaaazy for them. They have won 18 games in a row and have great shooting percentages. Max Abmas, who was a sophomore in their 2021 run and in his senior season now, will try to lead this statistically better team to do the same this time around, but if an opponent can shut him down, it’s over for them. Unfortunately in an ironic twist considering they literally have the word ORAL in their school name, this uni is evangelist and high key problematic:
Things you hate to see! Also they just had to oust their president because his wife spent all the school’s money on clothes which is actually a slay but still if you’re allowed to discriminate against gays for religious reasons I’m going to discriminate against you for gay reasons!
4 Tennessee The Volunteers - The strat for this team is taken straight from a Sza’s studio- they need some big boys & they got em. They are all about being the most physically imposing team on the court, and you KNOW what they say about defense vis a vis championships! That being said another very important piece of the puzzle is SCORING POINTS and the Vols have struggled offensively since their star point guard tore his ACL (couldn’t be me tearing an ACL, I have never thought my ACL was torn, perfectly healthy knee girl here).
13 Louisiana The Ragin’ Cajuns - Punching their Sun Belt winning ticket, Louisiana is basically here because of star player Jordan Brown. They’re a good team not a great team, but arguably the same could be said of Tennessee at this point so we’ll see! Also Ragin Cajuns is a top 3 mascot, it just seems so silly but also having lived in that state I can say I wouldn’t mess with them. We love to see a team that hasn’t danced in a while come through, and they haven’t made the tournament since 2014, so, welcome!!!!
6 Kentucky The Wildcats - Another blue blood team with a long history of greatness, Kentucky has been a little quiet in the last few years (famously got upset by 15 seed St. Peters last year). There’s no denying the talent on this team (Oscar Tshiebwe hive rise!) and they were predicted to win the SEC coming into the year (spoiler- they didn’t!), but losses to shitty teams have busted their rhythm a little. They’re hit or miss and that’s not a great vibe to come into a single elimination tournament with. That combined with an injury lined bench- it just might not be their year.
11 Providence The Friars - Despite having one of the most bizarre looking human mascots in the field (with Witchita absent SOMEONE had to take over the deranged mascot category!), Providence is …decent. They were VERY hot at the start of the season and then fell off a bit, and I did see them play St John’s in a game that was…ugly at best. They kind of switched vibes in the middle of the season, which hasn’t totally worked out for them, so don’t expect too much here.
3 Kansas State The Wildcats - Nothing to sneeze at, even if they’re not as famous as their state rival, who they DID happen to beat already this year. Thats a Q1 win if i’ve ever heard of one- thanks to first year coach they poached from Baylor, Jerome Tang, they’ve beat some Big Names in the Big 12 (including Baylor 2x and Texas.) Markquis Nowell & Keyontae Johnson were both All-Big-12 players, but the struggle for this team is TURNOVERS. Gotta hold on to the ball fellas!
14 Montana State The Bobcats - Honestly it was a BIT of a better story for this team last year when they made the tournament for the second time ever thanks to first year Coach Danny Sprinkle (hehe sprinkle), who just so happened to be their star player way back when they made their debut in 1995, but with this alum at the helm Montana has pulled off another solid season in the Big Sky conference (top conf name). With key players Jubrile Belo and RaeQuan Battle (excellent name) driving them forward, they’re a team built on defensive efficiency and forcing turnovers. Wait a second… *checks notes* *scrolls up slightly* *sees they are set to play a kansas state team that has struggled on turnovers* ok…nothing more to say here!
7 Michigan State The Spartans - Benjamin Franklin once posited the only two certain things in this life are Death and Taxes, but historically, basketball fans amend that to Death, Taxes, and Tom Izzo, who has led the Spartans to this tournament every year since 1998. EVERY YEAR. He’s in his 28th season as a coach- wild to me there are so many coaches out there that have been doing their jobs longer than I have been alive? Now, not all and arguably most of those years were not necessarily “successful” and in the last few dance appearances they’ve flamed out early (losing to Duke in the second round last year, losing to UCLA in the First Four in 2021, famously losing to a 15 seed in 2016), and they are probably not the MOST talented team in the field, but they have beaten some big names (Kentucky, Maryland, Indiana) AJ Hoggard is a smart player, and they’re a school that deserves to win this year, so fingers crossed for them.
10 USC The Trojans Just a tiny little school you’ve never heard of! The Pac 12 has been really focused on football recently (wild conference moves being made there) so they have kinda fallen off in the bball world, and USC is by no means the star of the conference (see Arizona, above, and UCLA, later). They do have the ability to score a lot of points though, and star player Boogie Ellis has a really great name, so take that into consideration. They’re set to play the Michigan Spartans, which, yes, means we have a Trojan War Derby on our hands folks! Winner takes all (Helen), fingers crossed that USC arrives with a Horse!
2 Marquette The Golden Eagles - Ok Shaka Smart we see you! The jewel of the Big East this year, Marquette is sneaky strong and despite their no.2 ranking, a lot of people have overlooked them (including me tbh I forgot they were supposed to be good but in my defense they were consistently ranking closer to 6-10 in season). They beat Baylor earlier this year and have worked to develop Kam Jones & Tyler Kolek into keystones in the framework of an efficient offensive team. They’re excellent at forcing turnovers, but not so much at interior defense- watch the rim folks.
15 Vermont The Catamounts - Automatically qualifying as conference winners for 4 of the past 5 years, UVM has gotten pretty comfy when it comes to getting here. However they’ve yet to make it out of the first round in any of those appearances, and despite snatching some good players (Dylan Penn, Finn Sullivan) out of the transfer portal, they’re not the most exciting team to watch.
Ok that’s half the teams! Phew! More to come here but this should be good fodder to get you started on your brackets. Don’t forget- anything can happen and sometimes it’s best to just go off vibes. Or sometimes everything goes chalk and Kansas wins the whole thing. It kinda can go either way please remember to have fun and tip your bloggers. Cheers! Let us know your picks & favorite mascots- anyone else think it’s wild that there are two GOLDEN eagles?
