Bracket Breakdown: How to Win Money & Alienate Men
I am a garbage niche meme generator now
Alright folks, now that you’ve read up on every dang team in the game, let’s make a bracket. (If you’re ready for the hot takes, scroll down) FIRST, Here’s some basic vocab to know:
Pictured: you
The Chalk: This is like the path of least resistance. If you pick the higher seeded team to win each match up, you’re following the chalk- which is kinda what a lot of commentators end up doing. Yes, there is a reason teams are ranked so high, but also….
It’s March: This is something you can proclaim at any given time from now until the end of the tournament. Normally used to allude to upsets or something wild on the court, you can also embrace it as kind of a catch all mentality for the entropy of everyday life. Or at least that’s what I am telling myself. Overslept? It’s march! Debating whether to have a beer with dinner? It’s march! Georgetown wins an auto-bid? It’s march!!!!! On the bright side, this tournament is one of the greatest content generators in sports so, if nothing else, there will be memes. (OH WILL THERE BE MEMES)
Bracket Busters & Cinderella Teams: The epitome of the IT’S MARCH mentality, this bracket is single elimination (unlike pro sports which are like best of SEVEN it’s ridiculous and takes forever) and all it takes is an off day to fuck up everyone’s expectations. UVA once came in as a top seed and was upset by the lowest ranked team in the tournament (go retreivers!!). Loyola Chicago went on a run to the final four one year (that was thanks to GOD’S WILL elena, keep up !!) Literally anything can happen, expect the unexpected. Every team has dreamed of getting here, especially in a year like this one, and no one wants to be counted out. IN GENERAL: pre season rankings actually are a pretty good predictor of a team’s viability (barring extreme injury, like that of Nova’s top player Collin Gillespie). Teams that were upset in their conference tournaments will come back with a vengeance here, and will do so with better rested players than someone like…Illinois, for example. Another factor to consider: COVID cases have caused some teams not only to isolate, but to play without key members of their squad. This is the case for Kansas, who not only bowed out of the BIG 12 tournament because of covid, but they came to that tournament initially missing a few players. Their squad has not been fully healthy and together in their most recent games, and that WILL affect them going into this.
One and Done- Both what we say when predicting a team that will be out in one match AND the term for a star player who plays the requisite one year and then bops to the NBA Draft
Under/overseeded - Commentators throw this around a lot. An underseeded team basically means that they’re better that their seed or bracket placement makes them out to be, and overseeded means the opposite. You can use this to justify your picks if some white man questions you.
The Big Dance - In case you’ve totally not read our other posts (shame!!), this is the name for the tournament overall. Thus, participants are said to be “going to the dance” or “dancing”
First Four, Sweet Sixteen, Elite 8 and Final Four - These are all the cute names for some of the rounds because us humans like alliteration! The First Four are the play-in rounds, the Sweet Sixteen are the octa-finals, the Elite 8 are the quarterfinals, and the Final Four are the semifinals. The Round of 64 and 32 don’t have names so getting to a named round kinda gives you extra cred. The Championship is just called, the Championship (or, The ‘Ship, yes there are a lot of mixed metaphors here !)
Cutting down the Nets- Another euphemism for winning, because the winning teams cut down the net. It takes a minute too because everyone gets to cut a lil.
“One Shining Moment”- This is the song that plays at the end of the tournament, when the team is cutting down the nets. It was legit written FOR the NCAA tournament, which is wild! Commentators might reference it as another way to say who won
Now that you’re equipped with basically all of the basketball knowledge you could ever want, we move on to the hot takes:
WEST:
Gonzaga is the No. 1 seed here (and overall) and, as we told you, the team to beat. They don’t face a TON of resistence in their corner of the bracket. If you want some first round upsets: I’d look to VCU over Oregon, UCSB over Creighton, and, if you’re feeling CRAZY, Eastern Washington over Kansas (depending on their COVID issues). I mean don’t pick ALL of those, but, feel it out. (that’s another thing- don’t pick EVERY upset. Be strategic!)
EAST:
Me (Katrina) looking at the odds for the hoyas to go ALL THE WAY!!
Michigan is the Number 1 seed here, and they’re the most likely top seed to get upset. Don’t forget, lots of people are MAD about this seed because they haven’t played as many games as other teams! Michigan has been playing sort of hit or miss, and a team like LSU should not be counted out against them. LSU would have to get past St. Bonnies, which is feasible, but not a slam dunk. People will tell you not to take Georgetown, which is RUDE and a bad take. Patrick Ewing himself said that this was NOT a fluke!!! Hoyas have momentum after their conference tourney dominance, but it should be recognized that had Nova been healthy, none of that would have happened (well too bad they weren’t and aren’t!) Georgetown is not an unstoppable squad (sorry katrina), so while they’ll probably make it past the first round, I would not take them too far. Whomever BYU ends up taking on will have a chip on their shoulder and something to prove, so I wouldn’t count that match up out as an upset. I like Maryland over UCONN, but the last time UCONN was a No. 7 seed they snuck through and won the whole thing (and then Moe’s the Official Burrito of the UCONN Basketball team gave out FREE BURRITOS. It was a glorious day). Alabama could have been a number 1 seed as well, because they’re clinical on 3’s and a menace on defense, but the BIG 10 is a tougher conference. Bama is likely to go on a run here (I’m hedging all these takes with maybes because, it’s march!!! and literally anything can happen!).
SOUTH:
Baylor vs. Gonzaga is the final four match up that the math wants you to take. Now Baylor is coming off of a sucker punch of a loss in the Big 12 Tournament, where they didn’t play to their top potential, but they have still had an incredible season. They will definitely blow through hartford, and shouldn’t have a problem taking on Wisconsin (who I prefer over UNC for personal attachment, and also a Badger could totally fuck up a tar heel). Baylor should be able to sail into the final four without too much difficulty, but I would keep an eye on Texas Tech (this is the most spicy take, lots of people love the Red Raiders who also looked good last year, before, you know, the rona) and THE Ohio State, who will look to challenge them. As for upsets in this little corner of the world, I think personally that Florida is ranked a little too high.
MIDWEST:
The Fighting Illini (it is pronounced Ill-eye-nigh, even though I want to say ill-in-ee) have a stacked squad, between big man Kofi Cockburn and undercover superhero Ayo Dosunmu. I mean, Kofi is a giant. He is literally a head above the other players, so I would be terrified to face him (even if he isn’t great on FT’s, which is surprising considering he is the height of the net). I am most excited for the Loyola Chicago- Georgia Tech matchup, to see how the power of the lord (insert prayer hands emoji) weighs up against GT’s engineering prowess. The yellow jackets are coming off a great tourney run, and have the momentum to be a game changer here. Float like a butterfly, sting like a yellow jacket, right? In terms of mascots I wouldn’t mess with, a beaver could definitely chew its way through a volunteer, so I think the jury is still out on Tennessee. People are talking crap about Oregon State saying it’s a fluke they’re here but…. IT’S MARCH BABY and they have something to PROVE! Also, like there ARE NO FLUKES in our opinion. If you’re here, you’re here, and you did something to get make that happen. Oklahoma State & their freshman superstar Cade Cunningham have a steep challenge with Liberty, who play an aggressive defensive style (in everything they do, like defending their stupid ideology against, logic). If they can make it past the Jesus loving jean haters, they’ll still have to face Illinois in the sweet 16, so a big run is an uphill battle for them. San Diego State has a shitty conference but have been dominant the past two years, so I could see them making it far enough to face off against Houston. This bottom corner here isn’t the jazziest part of the bracket for sure, but a team like Houston, who is highly ranked but easily forgettable, could make a difference in the long run. This is also a trendy pick!
MAKING THE TOUGH CUTS
There are a lot of ways to make your bracket. You can stick to the chalk, and hope that march madness stays relatively sane. You can pick based on mascots, but the Drexel Dragons may screw you over. I have picked based on colors, SAT Scores, and just general ~vibes ~ of a squad. The important thing to remember is that NOTHING is guaranteed and also that EVERYONE is an expert on this now. You could be like “I like Alabama” and Chad in finance will be like UHHHH ALABAMA LOST TO ARKANSAS THREE WEEKS AGO SO?!?!?!?!! But then you can be like “hey did you know that this is the first tournament without Duke in my lifetime?” and that will distract him long enough for you to steal his wallet and bet everything on Iowa…but I don’t wanna talk about work! Also, it’s important not to get too attached to your bracket because realistically, it’s gonna be shot by this time next week. Don’t be TOO sad- remember, ultimately the goal is not to have a PERFECT bracket; the goal is to have the least-fucked bracket in your pool. So as long as everyone else doesn’t read this awesome blog…. you’re set! (which mean we of course are screwed because OF COURSE all our loved ones read our blog, right???)
Hopefully, our takes have helped you narrow down some of the unpredictability that is this tournament, but if not, you literally cannot be mad at us, IT’S MARCH
