Wanna be on top? (of the league table)
Y’alls reaction when I once again make the theme of the soccer post related to a niche reality TV reference.
We’re looking at soccer teams that are the verb but not the noun. I.e, they’re playing well and they’re scoring goals, but are the a TEAM? Do they have what it takes to be America’s nxt top model top of their league?
Also, it’s Derby week! For some teams! Again! Isn’t it crazy this shindig happens like, every other week? Wild! It’s almost as if everything is arbitrary and nothing matters. But let’s save the nihilism for our American football posts, here, we are optimists!
In the Champions League…
No games this week: Teams duked it out in a few domestics- well, domestic cups. Action returns September 28th.
In the Premier League…
London Derby Day! Tottenham faced off against Chelsea in a London Derby fit for the kings that used to run that silly old country. Tuchel left Kante on the bench in the first half and it almost looked like these teams were even! But, alas, Spurs (being the verb) got too caught up guarding Lukaku and Thiago Silva (who, in case you forgot because he no longer lives in Paris, is not really an attacker) scored. It really do be like that sometimes! Chelsea really is showing that they are the noun and they have the drive to be on top of the league this season. Derby Days continue next week when Spurs take on Arsenal in what should have been a slam dunk but now that they’ve been slumping it might actually be a spicy one. Elsewhere in the league, Man United got kicked out of the Carabao Cup, a competition that means absolutely nothing if you win it but, much like being accepted by the cool kids, sucks to be rejected by it! Ronaldo does continue to score some lovely goals for them though. West Ham is also looking pretty good, but they need to FOCUS a little more on the attack. Alsoooo: Pep Guardiola yelled at fans for not being supportive enough, Arsenal is turning things around (rude), Aston Villa are finding their identity without Jackie Grealish,
In Ligue 1…
Photo from the last time I hosted a party
Derbies galore in france, where PSG struggling to a W over Lyon, thanks not Neymar Mbappe or MEssi but to ICARDI, who is making a Late Bid for some attention. Remember when we were obsessed with him? Lol. Also: They changed their walk up music away from a Phil Collins song, which is ironic bc Phil’s daughter IS EMILY IN PARIS. But that’s boring, because the REAL DRAMA went down in other stadiums this weekend. Let’s start with the L Derby: Lens vs Lille, where Lens supporters stormed the pitch at half-time to confront Lille fans and “both sets of fans hurled seats at each other over a partition wall”. Sorry what??? HURLED SEATS? Then, action continued midweek between Marseille & Angers when the fans STORMED THE PITCH. Ah french people, always storming something. Truly classic behavior! And, of course, fans also STONED a bus of Bordeaux fans en route to a game in Montpellier. Mes amis…ca va??? Seems like they are going through a rebellious phase. Bad news: actions have consequences! Marseille fans and Lens fans are in DEEP shit and could be banned for up to 36 months. The Minister of Sport had to have a press conference and be like “hey stop beating each other up??? you’re supposed to be spectating??” I mean we absolutely do NOT stan violence but this WAS a very spicy week because of this, so maybe the players should take a note and either fight or kiss. How does this relate to the America’s Next Top Model schtick? Well, putting aside the many bitch fights that show has given us, this was our reaction when we watched the atrocious behavior by fans this week:
In La Liga…
Real Madrid maintained their spot at the top of the table thanks to a late breaking win (two late goals) over Valencia. Valencia dominated the game, and then kinda blew it. But! They also were missing some key players, so maybe, once they have those dudes back they’ll be better. Real Madrid have established themselves as Late Goal Scorers this season which…I hate to admit…is one of those things that Winners do. Benzema, still doing amazing sweetie! Atletico is still figuring things out with Grizou- he starts and Suarez doesn’t and its like, okay but not excellent. The full back needs to do more. Barcelona played a beautfil midweek game, but aren’t really showing up when it counts. Also something I forgot to talk about LAST week is that apparently La Liga is the worst league when it comes to actually delivering content aka their Additional Time stats are wack. They consistently add less stoppage time than they should, so they’re cheating players and fans out of GOOD SOCCER TIME. And if anyone asks THAT is why I don’t watch.
In the Bundesliga…
Truly who even knows what’s going on over there! Everyone forgot how to score this week! Except Bayern, who won 7-0. Are they the only game in town? Is this a low quality league? I mean, people are always like “watch the bundesliga, it’s interesting” and then the games for the weekend look like this:
Like this is NOT HELPFUL in my mission to make Americans love soccer!!!!
Fans are like actually we’re SO GOOD and that’s why no one scores but I maintain Germans are yawnsville. Shoutout to the Bundesliga pod I listened to this weekend that was like “tbh if you want a title race, look elsewhere”—that’s the honestly we need. But I guess we can recap anyway: Hertha pulled out a rare win, Freiberg battled to a draw in an overly strategic match vs. Mainz. Passing accuracy for both teams was like, 99%. Sunday things did perk up for the bundies: Dortmund had a spicy matchup against Union Berlin that ended 4-2, thanks to some great goals from haaland. Obviously. But individual quality aside, Dortmund is kind of just CRUISING and giving up easy goals. They need some better coaching, because they’re clearly adrift. It’s kind of like when those twin sisters were on America’s Next Top Model, and one of them was passionate about modeling but wasn’t delivering the photos and the other took amazing photos week after week but lacked the drive. Borussia Dortmund is the verb, and not the noun and, well, see how that worked out:
In Serie A…
Yup that’s right I’m throwing a classic ANTM reference at you and then I am MOVING ON. Big week in Serie A:
It was MILAN JUVE!!!! Allegri? is Back. Ronaldo? Still gone. Chiesa? Really not giving what needed to be gave thus far but, I guess there’s room to grow. So what’s up with ol’ Juve? Well, it should get better. I mean they’re not going to get relegated, but let’s just say its a growing season. They gotta find some way to win (none yet this season!), even if it’s ugly. Milan tbh should have won this one, but it turned out to be a draw. The Other Milan (Inter) left no opportunity for a draw: they won 6-1. Crowd Fave Venezia lost to Spezia (not great), Lazio drew Cagliari, Roma ended a winning streak by losing to Verona (ah, the Mourinho slump strikes again), and Napoli had a good week.
TYRA MAIL
Anyway, we didn’t use up all our ANTM references (remember when they switched ethnicities for a photoshoot? The ‘00s were a wild time) so expect this theme to return at a later date. Cheers!
