A Definitive Ranking of 2020 European Euniforms: From the Experts

A gauntlet has been thrown our way. If it were up to me and Katrina, we would stick to talking about the facts and the figures and the wins and the losses and we would remain very professional in all of our coverage, because we KNOW that commenting upon the looks, or, rather, lewks, of players on the pitch is classless and shallow. We have heard you when you told us it does not count as sports takes, and we listened.

Until.

ESPN (you know, the SPORTS PEOPLE? The people who talk about SPORTS? and get PAID TO DO SO?) released a power ranking of the kits of european soccer teams from this season. We wanted to stay above it! We wanted to strictly talk statistics with you all! But we have NO CHOICE but to respond to this deeply flawed list of fierce lewks. And in the meantime we’ll talk about some soccer, because we’re tired of (fake) football and know you are too.

You don’t have to go read the amateur’s takes, I’ll summarize for you: After separately ranking the English Premier League’s uniforms, they decided none were worthy of Europe’s Starting XI top kits. There is way too much praise of those already on top. (Y’all should know how we feel about Bayern Munich). And most of all, perhaps most disappointing, is the praise given to teams for adding a flash of pink into their repertoire. We have to stop rewarding men for wearing pink guys. It’s 2020, anyone can wear pink, gender is a social construct etc etc. The kits were not even that good. So, we present to you,

The Official Approved Uniforms of Saturdays Are For The Girls

11. West Brom Albion

What I think is fun about these three kits, and the reason West Brom is on this list despite no clear consistent color scheme and a couple of hideous hue combinations, is the fact that someone on the design team came in and was like, hey, have you guys heard of STRIPES?!?!? And they took that and RAN WITH IT. That’s enough to get you noticed by The Girls, West Brom, even if your Yellow/Green away kit is dangerously reminiscent of recently relegated Norwich City. But I guess West Brom knows their likely fate and is just leaning in!

The Uniforms in Action: West Brom is off to, not surpisingly, a pretty shitty Premier League Debut. They’re shining performance so far was a 3 all draw to Chelsea, which says a lot more about Chelsea’s defensive woes than about West Brom’s offense.

10. Borussia Dortmund

For those of you who care about soccer, you know that the German Bundesliga was the first European league back in action after COVID struck, and we would be remiss not to give credit where credit is due to these teams. Most of them are pretty yawnsville, keeping things simple (germans, amiright?) but our adopted team from the days of yore (the days where we pretended to care about the Bundesliga because it was the only live sport on TV), has come out with this lightning strike/pikachu vibes kit and we….don’t hate it!

The Uniforms in Action: The good news is that our Cinderella team of the German league has been EXCELLENT at keeping clean sheets. Except for when they’re not, in which case they normally lose. But those clean sheets and American babies and Norwegian prodigies have earned them third spot so far in the standings. They lost to Lazio this week in the champions league, which is a bit of a bummer. Heads up fellas!

9. Paris Saint Germain

I know y’all did not expect this list to not include our team- but we’re honestly not even biased here!!! While the regular home/away kits leave a little to be desired (I mean, the choice of including a collar like these are a bunch of bratty little school boys was… questionable) but when they dropped the third kit, I dropped my jaw. Also all the merch that accompanies it makes me want to live my life in silk tracksuits, which, to be fully honest, I cannot pull off. (Do you think since I put the link in there, they’ll sponsor us? @Nike, hmu)

The Uniforms in Action: Our PSG boys are having a rough time, including: starting off the Ligue 1 Szn with a serious hangover (I feel ya boys), losing Le Classique (aka their most important domestic fixture) in a finale of red card confetti, facing and throwing out accusations of racism, failing to sign ANY CREATIVE MIDFIELDERS, aaaand losing their UCL match this week 2-1 to old foe Manchester United. Thomas Tuchel is on the hot seat if things don’t improve. OH also Kiki had Covid!

8. Juventus

Now I don’t really like to support anything that Juventus does, because they are assholes who are bored playing Italian teams and want the world to pay more attention to them, but I cannot ignore the CREATIVITY of this third kit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Ronaldo looks good with a shaved head and we can assumed he would look good wearing a plastic bag, but he looks REALLY GOOD in this camo orange number. Not enough teams are brave enough to embrace the Orange (except you, Netherlands, keep up the excellent work), and I’m impressed by the bold choice. People are going to hate on this, but combined with the return of their striped black & white home kits, it’s giving me a spicy felon vibe which is, at the very least, exciting.

The Uniforms in Action: Juventus wins points in my book for their signing of future American Hero Weston McKennie, and the universe gains points in my book for giving Cristiano Ronaldo COVID. (Btw, while you avoid looking directly at Ronaldo, so as not to be blinded by his chiseled features, we will remind you that he is actually a garbage human being who is on trial for sexual assault, so that might help you resist).

7. Valencia CF

It’s giving me SEASIDE it’s giving me AZUR it’s giving me RELAXING at the beach energy and I for one am here for it. A little bit of lavender? Love. Stop with the pink praising and give me some teams brave enough to wear purple. The kit was said to be inspired by the style of late great local artist Joaquín Sorolla, making for a silky effect. This guy looks douchey though.

The Uniforms in Action: I really could not care less about what goes on in the La Liga, because I maintain that for outside observers there are 2 games worth watching (El Classico and whatever the Madrid Derby is called), so in that manner it doesn’t matter to me that Valencia hasn’t won one of their last five games.

6. Olympique Marseille

At first I did not love these uniforms, but after reflecting, and having the opportunity to see the weak game being spit by the likes of Bayern Munich and others, I have respect for these unis. OM is trying to capitalize on the fact that PSG has many haters (can’t understand why, Kylian Mbappe is a prince guys) by jazzing up their baby blues with a fun pattern and..what’s that I see on the away kit? IT’S A CITY. Love. LOVE. This kit has an IDENTITY, just like Marseille. There’s a reason why this collab has been at the top of French musical charts for months: Marseille owns who they are, and we love them for it. (For instance, this man looks like the evil henchman in an action film, which is kind of what he is in the action film that is Ligue 1)

The Uniforms in Action: As mentioned above, OM pulled out a W in the biggest game of the Ligue 1 season, beating PSG 1-0 in a dramatic match that was ugly and included, maybe (probably), a lot of racial slurs being hurled between players. France? Racist? Who knew! Since then, OM has had a lot of 1-1 draws in their domestic campaign, and suffered a brutal loss to Olympiacos in this weeks Champion’s League Opener.

5. Inter Milan

There is a LOT going on here in all three unis. I do like the home kit, a play on their traditional (read: boring) stripes, and a way to really ~zag on the critics (get it? because it’s a zig zag). The away kit falls a little flat in my opinion, but I admire the confidence it takes to go for not one but two bold patterns, and I am choosing to award them for that bravery. Their third kit looks pretty basic, which there is nothing wrong with, especially because it’s a nostalgic nod to uniforms of yore.

The Uniforms in Action: Inter Milan could be doing a bit better in Serie A so far, they’re in 6th and just lost the Derby della Madonnina (Mamma maglione!) this past weekend. They did have the most exciting last 30 minutes of the Champion’s League so far, coming scoreless off the half only to take the lead…lose the lead to a penalty goal… concede another goal in the 84th minute…and end up with a draw thanks to the heroics of Romelu Lukaku.

4. Real Madrid

Just two bros. Wearing pink. Owning it.

I know I said we would not be praising men for wearing pink. But in my defense, the away kit is Salmon. Besides, the real winner for me here was the fact that they consistently incorporated the pink into all three elements of the kit, and the texture of their dark gray third kit. Bonus points for cultural connection, as the pattern is said to be inspired by Madrid's famous Azujelo tile art paintings.

The Uniforms in Action: Things we love to see: Real Madrid getting their asses handed to them by a random Ukranian team in their UCL Opener. Despite mounting a pretty worthy comeback after the half to take the game to 3-2, VAR won out and disallowed their last minute saving grace and Real Madrid faced mortification. I mean, they’re still doing fine at home, and they’re still one of the most successful teams ever, and they still are blessed to have French National Hero Zizou as their coach, but it’s nice to watch them slip.

3. Arsenal

Maybe I am a total sucker, but the marbled print on these jerseys BLEW ME AWAY. It is creative without being obnoxious, and has an icy, cutthroat edge to it that I really feel encapsulated the energy of a club that spent quarantine fucking over all of their employees and, so far this season, has alienated everyone by firing their adorable mascot.

The Uniforms in Action: Arsenal has been doing typical Arsenal things so far this season, winning when I’ve written them off, losing when I want them to be a scrappy underdog, and waiting until the last minute of a trash Europa league matchup to remember how to score. I think they might still be a proper football club and they’re definitely showing enough promise to challenge the top tier clubs, especially with blockbuster signing Thomas Partey. Doesn’t change that I (Katrina here) think they’re overrated.

2. Manchester City

I was not totally sold on the beauty of these uniforms, but once I saw the third kit, I was floored. The level of swagger it takes to pull off a paisley print is dangerously high, but luckily City thinks highly enough of themselves. I also love the way they stayed true and relatively simple in design with their home & away kits, but avoided being boring by adding in a mosaic and weird chevron pattern.

The Uniforms in Action: Man City has been missing Sergio & Kevin de Bruyne, managing to win against some of the less fearsome EPL foes, losing to Leicester, and only managing to draw Leeds. Knowing City however, they’re just getting warmed up, and they’ve luckily had a sort of soft opening to the season to do so. The entire world is pretty much operating under the understanding that coach Pep is probably leaving after this season, so this is his last shot to go for European gold in the UCL, and he started that campaign off solidly by dunking on Porto Wednesday.

1. Bristol City

What type of bottom of the barrel scraping list is this you ask? A thorough one. We recognize kits from all levels of play. Drip is drip. So credit where credit is due, the Bristol City keeper kits are straight fire. They’re gay as hell and I cannot get enough of it. They really said, fuck it, let’s wear ALL THE COLORS. The only this that would make this better was if these two goalies held hands. And kissed a lil, no homo (yes homo it’s 2020 everyone is gay, haven’t you heard the Pope said so)

The Uniforms in Action: So Bristol is down in the Championship League of English football, aka the second tier, not to be confused with League One, which is the third tier, or League Two, which is, of course, the fourth tier. Bristol is off to an excellent start this season, sitting above recently relegated Watford and Bournemouth in a lofty second place.

Honorable Mention: This is more of a factor of their branding than the actual uniform, but we are honoring the 12th Man on the pitch in our honorable mention, the Ligue Officials, sponsored by La Poste. As in the post office. I mean… I love it. We must support the post office at ALL COSTS. Also…is this referee an elf? Lmk.