As we go on…
What part of this song hits you the hardest? For me it’s “thinking bout where we’re gunna be when we turn 25”
Whenever we don’t post on the blog for more than a week I feel like we are obligated to start the post in the same way I would start diary entries as a kid- “Dear diary, sorry I haven’t written in awhile”- something that is now hilarious to me (why am I apologizing to an empty notebook!!! This is the burden we carry as women!!!). But while I owed my diaries nothing, we owe you, dear readers the world (or at least Europe). We are BACK to recap the Group Stages of Euros (which, spoilers, were AS DRAMATIC we hoped!) and prepare you for the KNOCKOUT ROUNDS.
Who’s Out
What’s important to remember in a competitive sports tournament is that it’s not who wins or loses, but it’s about the JOURNEY we’ve all been on these past 4 years two weeks.There was joy (when France beat Germany in their opening game without looking like they were even trying, when Goran Pandev scored North Macedonia’s first ever goal in a major tournament (GO LYNXS!), when Schick of the Czech Republic scored a goal from 50 yards out), there was pain (when we thought we were watching Christian Eriksen quite literally die on international television, it is okay, he made it), and there was mundanity (a word invented solely to refer to the much overhyped England-Scotland face off, the oldest international fixture in football, which of course ended in a 0-0 draw because…soccer!).
We say goodbye to many of our #happytobehere friends- Finland (who made a valiant effort before to Belgium and who had the unfortunate experience of playing their first match in Denmark during the aforementioned death incident )& North Macedonia, Hungary (who were incidentally way more competitive in the #GroupofDeath than we thought BUT turns out, they not the Cinderella story they make themselves out to be! We cannot stan a fascist org!). Writing HAGS in Slovakia’s yearbook—they rode their star’s mohawk to some great performances in their first two games. I mean, we probably won’t keep in touch, but never change (except maybe work on defense a little)!!! We bid farewell to some dark horse favorites that didn’t live up to their potential: Poland (proving that even Lewandowski can’t carry a country on his back) (maybe his thighs though, those are thicc), Turkey, Russia, and Scotland (part of the unexpectedly intense Group D)—but as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever! (Well, not with Turkey & Russia, we’re not huge fans of them to begin with).
Who Scraped By
Going into the last day of Group Stages, things looked bleak for Denmark after what was, to put it incredibly lightly (This is a comedy blog!!!!) a TRAUMATIC WEEK. The danish dynamite pulled it OUT though in their last game, absolutely dominating the Ruskis in tribute to Christian! If you don’t cry watching them celebrate every goal scored in their captain’s honor, you’re heartless! They’ll remain face off against Wales, a team that emerges from the group stages with a whimper not a bang after an unmemorable performance thus far (legit I cannot remember a single one of their games despite assuredly watching them).
Austria and Switzerland both snuck out of their groups in second after putting up solid but not stunning performances- tbd on how they’ll hold up against stronger sides (they face Italy & France respectively in the round of 16). The sneaky star was central Europe, read: the Czechs, who scored some lovely goals against good teams. Croatia also struggled in their group, but looked well warmed up by their last match. They’ll face Spain, who may have been overrated coming in as they seriously struggled to score goals in their first few matches (pro tip: very important to score goals if you want to win). They too may have just been getting warmed up however, because they made up for lost time by scoring 5 goals on Slovakia yesterday and boosting up their goal differential.
Ukraine has been surprisingly consistent in their first few matches (showing a few defensive weaknesses) and took one of the third place spots to advance. They’ll have a Who Wore It Best face off against the OTHER blue & yellow team Sweden.
Portugal was the final team to clinch the third place spot to advance, and to be real I am not totally sure what to think of them to this point. The first match Hungary held them scoreless until very late in the game, their second match Germany had a goal scoring extravaganza, and in their last match they scored first on France but were unable to hold them off and settled for a tie. Bruno Fernandez has barely done anything (he’s used to taking all the penalties and there’s really no room for that with Ronaldo around, and he is getting absolutely dragged on the internet because of this). Here’s all we really know: Cristiano Ronaldo can score (I know, this is BREAKING NEWS).
Who’s On Top
Unsurprisingly, all the teams we told you were really good, are, in fact, REALLY GOOD. See: Belgium, who cruised to three straight victories without looking stressed, and Italy, who became the first team to ever leave the Group Stage of euros without conceding a single goal. While the Netherlands also notched up 3 wins, they were frequently tested and a lot of questions remain about the Oranje. This is also true of England, who won their group but had a dissappointing showing against Scotland (after they won their first game, and everyone had been like FOOTBALL IS COMING HOME THIS IS OUR YEAR well how did that work out for yall!!!!). They now face Germany, who had a rollercoaster performance thus far (lost to France, stomped on Portugal, then was set to tie Hungary and be knocked out until a buzzer beater goal in stoppage time). To be fully transparent, France could have done better (a DRAW AGAINST HUNGARY?!?!!? Do better boys!) and are leaving the group stage having won their group (but at what cost?!!?)
A wild thing about the Euros is we have spent the last 2 weeks on these group stages… only to eliminate a mere 8 teams…. but now the real game begins. Every game is a must win, so expect to see some more exciting football ahead (but please, let’s not have all the games go to penalty kicks, we can’t take the stress). Check out the updated bracket HERE as we move into the knockout rounds and let us know your favorite moments of the group stages below!
