EUROS: Part II

Sequel to our first EURO2021 post coming in hot! To recap, last time we talked tourney structure and outlined the first three groups. This time, we’ll break down the next three (including our TOP PICK does anyone want to make a wild guess who we are rooting for????), but first, more details on just how this shindig is happening despite, you know, COVID.

TOURNEY CHANGES: Because of COVID, which is why this tournament is this year and not in 2020, in case you forgot about the whole pandemic thing, there have been some changes to the set up. Yes, the games will still be spread out across 11 countries (seems questionable to me!) but not all countries will allow fans (Only St. Petersberg is attempting to do full capacity. Most stadiums are doing between 20-50%) Furthermore, team rosters, which normally are 23 players max, have been expanded to 26 players to account for possible exposure. BUT, for the fixtures (games) the roster is still 23, so you gotta make COVID calls before the day of the match. Another first, not because of COVID for once, is the use of the Video Assistant Referee (VAR), which will be implemented in the tourney. As you may recall, VAR made its international debut in the World Cup 2018 and now is here to stay. This will MOST DEFINITELY cause controversy so stay woke folks! Onto the groups:

Group D

England: (The Three Lions) England has long claimed to be the home of football (ok mate) but has only won the World Cup once back in 1966. Their best Euro finish was 3rd in 1968 (a wild year in Europe and the US) and more recently, finished 4th in the 2018 World Cup (lost to Croatia in the semi finals, and tbh France was a little disappointed that they didn’t get to live out their historic dreams of crushing England). They’re coached by Gareth Southgate, a British name if I’ve ever heard one. He’s a former 4-time national team player (famous for missing a semi-final penalty kick vs Germany, not the kind of fame you want really) who has kind of revitalized the team, pushing them to the semis in 2018. As for players, if you’ve been watching soccer or READING THIS BLOG you’ve DEF heard of these dudes: Captain Harry Kane (Spurs), Marcus Rashford (Man U, also a really authentic nice dude who does a bunch of charity work!), Vice Captain Jordan Henderson (Liverpool)…. the list goes on. Sadly, that list won’t include Trent Alexander Arnold, who was called up to the team (after debate about whether he would be) but then got injured (whoops). A player you’re going to want to watch is Jude Bellingham (Man City), a mere CHILD at 17! England’s on a quest to “bring football home”, this is a thing they say a lot, and I’m not TOTALLY against them doing well but I do kinda feel like, they already have the Premier League, do they need a national trophy?

Croatia: (The Valtresti aka The Blazers, yes like the vests, or The Chequered Ones because of their SICK flag) Croatia really sprung into our hearts and minds in 2018 (well, for everyone else, we’d been known), when they rocketed all the way to the finals in Russia. Of course, I was actively rooting against them, but I was still impressed by their play (read: midfield)! Their best Euro finish was in the quarterfinals (‘96, ‘08) but last time (2016) got knocked out in the Sweet Sixteen by Portugal (who ended up winning, so overall not bad!). They’re coached by Zlatko Dalić, who idk much about other than he himself never played for Croatia. (In case you’re wondering about what all these diacritics mean in Croatian, well i have done a deep dive while visiting and the ć is like a tc sound, and the č is more of a CH sound). As for players, Captain Luka Modrić (Real Madrid) at midfield is a force to be reckoned with (even though he is one of those male football players who don’t know how to wear a headband). At forward, Andrej Kramarić is coming in hot off a good season in Das Bundesliga. The Euro is a great time to kind of discover and learn more about these countries and I really would encourage you all to learn more about Croatia, besides the fact that Game of Thrones was filmed there. It’s a really fascinating and beautiful place!!!

Us exploring a beach we definitely weren’t supposed to go on in Croatia!!

Scotland: (SCOOTland aka no mascot?) Scotland is the “joint oldest football team in the world” (a title they share with England, but you don’t hear THEM talking about bringing football home all the time smh), but failed to qualify for Euro 2016 and didn’t advance in the World Cup 2018. They’ve never made it out of the group stages in the Euro. Hopefully coach Steve Clark might be able to turn things around for them. Captained by very scootish man Andy Robertson (Liverpool), Scotland’s team does feature many Premier League/Championship players (albeit some lesser known), so it’s always been surprising that they aren’t better. Other players to watch will include midfielder John McGinn and striker Lyndon Dykes (who chose to play for Scotland over Australia and I do agree, the accent down under is not sustainable). Now that UK is out of Europe, the movement for Scottish independence is gaining traction and I certainly do hope those tensions spill out on to the pitch!

Czech Republic: (Also no mascots? We’ll call them the pilsners) A consistent presence in the Euro with 7 consecutive appearances, the Czechs never seem to get very far, not advancing out of the group stage in 2016. They did win in 1976, but that was when they were Czechoslovakia which we’re not counting because ?? That was a different country. They’re coached by Jaroslav Šilhavý, do not ask me to pronounce it; he seems to have been on the scene for a bit with a solid track record. Key players include midfielders Vladimír Darida (Hertha Berlin) and Tomáš Souček (West Ham) (these guys might be beating the Croats in terms of diacritic use). Seems like this team will be part of the #justhappytobehere club, which is a fun no-pressure way to take on the competition,

Group Predictions: England & Croatia are the top teams here, and should be able to go 1/2 in the group and make it through. Their face off is the opener for the group, in London, on Sunday June 13th @ 9am, so that game is definitely a DO NOT MISS. I do not CARE if you’re hungover, get your booty up and drink some coconut water & eat your bagel on the couch watching ESPN with the rest of us! England vs. Scotland is a traditional rivalry (and basically a home game for both teams) so that one is worth watching as well (June 18th 3pm), especially now rhat Scotland is a bit more of an actual team.

Group E:

Spain: (La Roja aka The Red, or La Furia Roja aka The Red Fury, or Los Toros) Spain is a giant in international football, and are always predicted to be a contender. They last won the World Cup in 2010 (WAKA WAKA AY AY), won the Euro 4x (1964, 2008, 2012) but were eliminated in the round of 16 in 2016. They are the only ream that has been able to defend the Euro title.They INFAMOUSLY lost in the last World Cup to Russia IN Russia (2018) which was a pretty big scandal. Lots of people (us included) thought that the Russians won by doping, mostly because Spain plays this wild style called tiki-taka which basically means they play as a unit with lots of short passing, an equal-balanced offense/defense approach and a ton of possession. This style is very hard to play and even harder to defend against, because it is really tiring. It was thus extremely suspicious that the untested Russia team, playing in 85 degree heat, was able to outlast them. I’m just saying. Anyways, coach Luis Enrique is back after taking time off for ~personal reasons in 2019. Key players will include Gerard Moreno (Villareal, fresh off a Europa league win), yung 18 year old Pedri (Barcelona) (fun fact, if they have 1 name it really means they have like 7 names), Pablo Sarabia (PSG), goalkeeper David de Gea (Man U), and absolute UNIT Adama Traoré (Wolverhampton). The Roja did draw Portugal in friendlies yesterday, which is worrying, but do promise to be a real contender in this competition.

Sweden: (Blågult aka The Blue and Gold, for obvious reasons, but BLAGUT sounds so much better!) A squad full of beautiful blonds named Olasson or Larsson Or Andersson: what more could you ask for? Sweden was a Nordic powerhouse in the 50’s and, while they haven’t won the World Cup, they’ve come close (Runner’s up and third place). Their best Euro finish was semis in 92 (ey! my birth year!!) then they fell off a bit. Now led by coach Janne Andersson (I was not making a joke about the names), they are back on track. Some players to look for: Emil Forsberg (RB Leipzig), a creative and fast-paced midfielder, and Kristoffer Olsson, a skilled dribbler who zips up the field and is “fun to watch”. Missing from the squad: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the most famous and douchiest Swedish footballer of all time. This is a tough group but I do feel like the Swedes could be an interesting contender with their cool-headed Scandanavian style and socialism!

Poland: (Biało-czerwoni aka the Red and Whites, or the Eagles) Poland had a rocky road through qualifying but ultimately pulled through with the strong hand of Jerzy Brzęczek (Polish alphabet, go home, you are drunk Fun fact, Polish alphabet is the only one in the world with the special ł! Again, come for the football, stay for the linguistics lessons) but was replaced in January by Paolo Sousa, and if you’re thinking, that name doesn’t sound so Polish, you would be right! He’s Portuguese (maybe he got confused because it’s another P country). He played on the ‘96 and ‘00 Portugal nat’l team, and has since coached all over. Poland’s best international result was 3rd place (twice but back in the day), and the best Euro result was quarter-finals in 2016 where they were eliminated on PKs by later-champion Portugal. I feel like there’s weird CHEMISTRY between these two nations? are they IN LOVE? As for top players, you know him, you love him, the one the only, captain Robert Lewandowski (Bayern Munich). Most caps for Poland ever, beat the Bundeslinga scoring record, homie is a powerhouse. Please look back through our posts because this dude is a machine (he cut out refined sugar though which tbh, I probably couldn’t do). Other than that, we’ve got Jakub Moder (Brighton) at midfield who is showing promise. We’ve also got MULTIPLE people named Przemysław? One of whom plays for Chicago Fire in the MLS. What are Poland’s chances? I mean, can Robert carry this team? He might be able to!

Slovakia: (The Falcons or, The Representatives) : Slovakia is kind of just making their way out here internationally, dipping their toes in. They haven’t made a ton of headway since they supposedly won the Euro in 1976 (again, this was when they were a different country, so I don’t think that should count, though arguably 8 of the starting lineup of that team were Slovaks). Their best result independently in the Euros was Round of 16.Their traditional “rival” is their former countrymen, the Czech Republic, so it would be cool to see them play if that happens. Coached by Štefan Tarkovič who assistant-coached in 2016, they’re captained by “Slovakian legend” Marek Hamšík (Goteburg, it’s Swedish), and feature another young lad, Tomáš Suslov who has been quoted as being very excited to play with Marek, his idol. Come for the stakes, stay to watch lil young soccer player’s dreams come true.

Group Predictions: Spain isn’t as powerful as it often is, but it is certainly not to be overlooked, and have the advantage of an easier group. Both Sweden and Poland have a solid chance of making it out of the group- I’d tend to lean towards Sweden because they seem to have more depth, but Lewandowski is a force with which other teams must reckon, and should NOT be bet against. Their match up will be key: Tune in June 23rd at 12pm. Slovakia, baby, it’s been great, but I’m unclear on how this could work out in your favor, HAGS!

Group F: AKA THE GROUP OF DEATH

Hungary: (The Magyars, that’s the main ethnic group in Hungary) First important disclaimer, some shit is going down in Hungary politically, definitely look it up and know that it is NOT chill and we are NOT here for it. Hungary hasn’t been good since they were the World Cup runners up in ‘38 and ‘54; their best Euro result was third in 1964 (Pretty sure this was when they were commies). In 2016, they lost in the Round of 16. The National 11 will be coached by Italian Marco Rossi (not to be confused with the hockey player of the same name, or our favorite Degrassi gay icon Marco DEL Rossi), Captained by Ádám Szalai (Mainz, in the Bundesliga), other key players include Willi Orbán (RB Leipzig) at center left-back, who excels at the TACKLE and Roland Sallai (Freiberg) at winger/striker. This team has some interesting talent and could mesh well, but it is … gonna be a tough one in this DEADLY group,

Portugal: (A Seleção aka The Selection or Os Navegadores aka The Navigators) Defending Euro champs (2016), Portugal is truly a top team. No, they haven’t won a World Cup (3rd in 1966) but their Euro win and consistent presence on the international stage confirms their status as elite. You all may recall them facing off v. France in the 2016 finals and winning despite captain/top player Cristiano Ronaldo falling (dramatically) to injury in the second half and sobbing like a lil bitch as he was carted off (to clarify, this is not a dig against men crying, normalize men expressing feelings, let’s end the cult of toxic masculinity, etc, BUT Ronaldo is notoriously a drama king and like… you won anyways.) They’re coached by Fernando Santos who has coached all of Portugal’s top clubs. Besides Ronaldo (Juventus), who at age 36 has everyone always being like “Is this his last one?? (it never is fam, heroes get remembered, legends never die), the team also features forward João Félix (Atletico Madrid), midfield Danilo Pereira (PSG though if you’ve been following along, you know that PSG has been SHIT in midfield), and forward Diogo Jota (Liverpool) The pressure is going to be on this team, but they do have one of the best players of all time, even if he does throw a hissy fit every 5 seconds.

They changed a bunch of signs in the metro after they won!! This one is supposed to read Charles de Gaulle Etoile BUT ON A DEUX ETOILES BABY

France: (Les Bleus) Now, again, you are all going to think we are biaised since we’ve made it pretty clear who we support here BUT that being said, France’s depth is truly incredible, and they’re not reigning World Champs for nothing. France holds 2 World Cup titles (1998, 2018, see above) and 2 Euro titles (2001, 2003), and the team’s most recent Euro performance ended in a 2016 home loss to Portugal, in the finals. The squad (or as we say in French, l’escouade) is stacked. Former World-Cup-winning player AND coach Didier Deschamps (merci beaucoup) returns to coach the Bleus with stars such as veteran keeper Hugo Lloris (Tottenham), Champion’s League winning N’golo Kante (Chelsea), midfielder Paul Pogba (Man U), Antoine Griezmann (Barca) aka GRIZOOOOU, and the light of my days, phenom, Kylian Mbappé (PSG). At this point, you’re probably thinking, oh sure, she knows all the French players because she likes PSG and she’s obsessed with France which, fair, but I am not kidding, all of these players are MAD talented (and there’s so many I didn’t say! like Kimpembe!) If you can tolerate a bit more player talk, I would be remiss not to mention Karim Bezema (Real), a highly talented player with a checkered past. He was implicated in as a client in a ring of (allegedly) underaged prostitutes (charges dropped), and then (allegedly) blackmailed a fellow former team member with a sex tape. To be clear, I’m saying allegedly but, he did it. He was dropped from Les Bleus while all this was going on, and replaced by Olivier Giroud (Chelsea) for the 2018 team (who he later called “go-kart” level while referring to himself as “Formula 1” (class act); plus the blackmail trial is still kind of ongoing so like…yeah, not the greatest dude. But if he’s not injured, he’ll be fire up front. What are France’s chances? Well, their consistent play and depth are definite strengths (also, their national anthem, which is a banger, ends with them screaming about soaking the homeland with the impure blood of their enemies, so, yeah, you could say they’re motivated)

Germany: (Nationalelf aka the National 11, or Die Mannschaft aka The Team) 4x World Champs (most recently in 2014) (yes, they count East/West German victories, eye roll) and 3x Euro Champs, Germany is always a favorite and this year is no different. Iconic coach Joachim Löw will be retiring after 15 years coaching the national team (you know him from his hair, which resembles a Beatle) so the team is going to want to ball out for the homie. If you read our soccer round ups, you’ll know that the Bundesliga is pretty boring but also pretty good, and this squad features a TON of dudes from the top teams like Bayern, Dortmund, Leipzig etc. The advantage? A lot of these guys play together year round, so the team unity is unparalleled. They also get some home games in as a host team. Captained by Manuel Neuer (Bayern), you’ll also recognize midfielder Thomas Müller (Bayern) who was cut from the squad 2 years ago and called back up (at age 31! ), Emre Can (formerly of Liverpool, now of Dortmund) and at forward, Timo Werner (Chelsea). Never underestimate Germany!! Just look at Mutti!!

Group Predictions: When we were writing out these posts, and I got to group E, I thought, wait, where are all the homies????? Bad news: They’re all in one group (rigged). There’s always 1 group of death and does it seem inCREDIBLY injust that our boys are stuck with Portugal and Germany (i mean!!!!)??? Yes. This group will be tightly fought and narrowly won, and also, Hungary will be there too. Hopefully whomever comes in third can maybe squeak through, however nothing is guaranteed. Also, we’re not picking top games for this group because they’re all top games. Watch all of them.

Arguably true for most countries participating!

CONCLUSIONS

We’ll be keeping you up to date with posts after the group stage, but be sure to tune in to our Instagrams (@katrinae8 and @elenaperito) for daily match updates. Too much content, too little time guys!