EUROS: Part I
Alexa, play “Ramenez La Coupe a la maison” by Vegedream
This week, we’re prepping you for the 2020 2021 EURO tournament, in 2 parts. Going back to our roots of lecturing you about soccer tournaments, as we did here and here and here etc etc. Will France, coming off their world cup victory (ON EST ENSEMBLEEEEE) finally achieve European Victory??? Will football ever come home? What are the euros anyway?!?!!?!? (besides a unit of currency!)
WTF IS THIS :
To answer your last question: The EUROs are like the World Cup in Miniature, and they’re set up the same way with a group stage preceding an elimination round. They will take place in ELEVEN (11!!!!) different cities/countries to celebrate the tourney’s 60th anniversary (well, 60 +1). These locations are: Amsterdam, Baku (Azerbaijan), Bucharest, Budapest (Two places that I think UEFA may have forgotten were different cities), Copenhagen, Glasgow, London, Munich, Rome, St. Petersburg, & Seville.
You might be wondering, aren’t the Olympics also this year? How does that factor in? Well, due to historical reason, FIFA is basically the end-all be-all for soccer, so these regional competitions and the World Cup are arguably more important for men’s soccer than the Olympics. Also, for men’s Olympic soccer, countries have to select the majority of their team from their U-23 players, which is why you don’t see star-studded Olympic squads. This rule doesn’t apply for women’s soccer though, where everything matters and we win all the time.
DATES TO KNOW:
The tournament starts June 11th and the group stage continues with 2-4 games A DAY until the 23rd. SOCCER EVERY DAY FAM!!!!! What did we do to deserve this!!!!! Don’t worry, we’ll tell you what games not to miss. Knockout stages start June 26th, and the final is July 11th.
HOW DOES IT WORK :
The top two teams in each group advance, as well as the four top third place finishers but because each team only plays the other group members 1 time, GOAL DIFFERENTIAL REALLY MATTERS. This is part one, in which we break down groups A-C, and part 2 with the rest of the groups will drop TOMORROW. That’s right we’re doing a CAPSULE COLLECTION! Jk it’s just a lot for y’all to read. But it’s light reading we promise!!!! Ok let’s meet the teams and, more importantly, get to know their nicknames!
Group A
Turkey: (Ay-Yıldızlılar aka the Crescent-Stars) Coached by Şenol Güneş, a former goal keeper who won many Turkish titles as a player AND a coach. Their star players include Burak Yılmaz (an OLD MAN @35) a striker who just helped lead Lille to their Ligue 1 Title (!!!!), and midfielder Ozan Tufan (if you decide to support Turkey you’re called an Ozan tuFAN). Turkey has qualified for 5 of the last 7 tournaments, but didn’t make it out of the group stage last time, so they will look to improve on that performance here.
Italy: (Gli Azzurri aka the Blues) (this despite having no blue in their flag smh) Coming in with a home advantage (Group A plays 1/2 their games in Rome), Italy notably has missed both the last editions of the World Cup and the Euros. Where’d they go? Well, after a winning history (4 world cups!!!!!), they fell a little flat. They’re coached by Roberto Mancini (a name or a pasta? You decide), formerly of Man City & Inter Milan, who has gotten them back on track. Current star players include: Marco Verratti (of PSG!!!!) & Frederico Chiesa (of Juventus- which is a theme, most Italian national team call-ups come from Serie A). They qualified FLAWLESSLY, not losing a single match, and along the way they trounced Armenia 9-1 (sorry 2 the Kardashians for their loss!)
Wales: (The Dragons!) Remember our ode to man buns? Wales is hoping to ride that man bun straight to the top. They got some challenges in this group for sure, but advancing is not impossible if Gareth Bale stays in form. They’ve played pretty well in recent Euros, making it to the semis before losing to Portugal in 2016. They’re coached by former Wales star & former U-21 coach Ryan Giggs. Other stars include the adorable Daniel James (of Man United), Tyler Roberts (of Leeds United) and Ethan Ampadu (of Chelsea), who is a bit of a sleeper hit to keep an eye on. Wales is a sneaky team because a lot of people you THINK are British are actually secretly Welsh— being secretly welsh is the new secretly British.
Switzerland: (The A-Team, or the Rossocrociati aka the Red Crosses) Katrina thinks Switzerland should not be allowed in any European Things because they are “neutral as f*ck” (like, they didn’t get involved in WWII and that does mean they weren’t…anti nazi), but, here they are! They were in the last Euros, and did advance past the group stage to the round of 16 (where they lost to Poland) but would have to work pretty hard to knock off Wales & Italy here. Their coach is Vlad Petković (never trust a Vlad, this man looks evil!), who has helped The Crosses advance out of SEVERAL group stages, but has yet to win a knockout match. Star Players include captain Granit Xhaka (who plays for Arsenal, if you are seeing a trend that a lot of star players play in the EPL, you’re on to something!), Xherdan Shaqiri (Shakira?!?!?!?!) of Liverpool, and Breel Embolo (of whom UEFA’s site says is blessed with great pace and “this 24 year old is a handful”- tag yourself, it’s Elena).
Group Predictions: We’re obviously rooting for our homeland of Italy in this group, and Gareth Bale is hot, so we want Wales to advance as well. No, we aren’t above judging teams based on the hottness of their players, objectification goes both ways fam. The matchup between those two squads will be a key determinate of who wins the group, and how in shape Wales is looking: tune in to that match June 20th @12pm. Don’t count out Switzerland here though: they have some serious stars and they will look to take down Italy & Wales for the upset.
Group B
Denmark: (The Red&White or DANISH DYNAMITE) Coached by Kasper Hjulmand and led by superstar Christian Eriksen (of Serie A winning team Inter Milan), the danes play a very neat and technical style of football. There is a LOT going on with this team that has nothing to do with football, for example the players apparently will collaborate with Danish musicians to make…songs???? And they call themselves Landsholdet???? I bring you : the Danish Way to Rock, which is a low key bop we have no choice to stan. Another fun tidbit: The Danes won the euros in 1992, but originally failed to even qualify for the tournament, and only ended up getting to participate because Yugoslavia dropped out (because it fell apart as a country tbt), which is honestly wild!?! That’s like winning prom king at a school you didn’t go to.
Finland: (The Huukajat aka the EAGLE-OWLS) The Finns have finally made it to their first ever major tournament! Welcome friends! They are just #happytobehere, ranked 58th, which tbh is not GREAT but is good for them considering they were pretty obscure until the 2000s (same), and then dropped off again (also same), and now have made it back to being a sort of okay team! Get ready for some very Nordic very fun names (though Finnish is actually quite linguistically distinct from the other Nordic tongues): they’re coached by Marrku Kanerva, their top scorer/captain/star player is Teemu Pukki (who plays for recently re-promoted Norwich FC), and a player to watch is Fredrik Jensen. Expect them to make a huge deal about Finland having to play Denmark, who are supposedly their rivals, as all Nordic countries are rivals (in sports, in Eurovision they are a voting bloc).
Belgium: (The Red Devils) The top ranked team in the world currently, Belgium is coming into this tourney hoping to win their first ever title: they were runners-up way back in 1980, but lost to Wales in the quarterfinals in the most recent Euros. They have a few stars on the team (hence why they are so good) including, but not limited to Man City’s Kevin de Bruyne, Inter Milan’s Romelu Lukaku (who is apparently…friends with Jay-Z?), and Leicester’s Youri Tielemans (who has THE RANGE), however they had to OUTSOURCE for coaching talent and are coached by Spaniard Roberto Martinez (or martini). They are definitely a Team To Beat, and will easily advance from their group.
Russia: (Наши парни aka Our Guys) Ah Russia, the land of doping. Only love to all our Russian friends & fans/the hackers out there reading this, but if you think any Russian National Team isn’t going to cheat, you’re living in ignorance! You might remember Russia hosted a little thing called the WORLD CUP a few years ago (remember? France WON? I cried?!?!), and, after automatically qualifying as the host country (despite being ranked like 65th at the time), they went on a wild run, scoring LOTS of goals, and beating heavy fave/strong contender Spain in the process (more on that tomorrow, but safe to say it was a big deal). Now they’re back, to try to make some magic happen again (they will get to play some home games so, it’s not NOT rigged) with the help of coach Stanislav Cherchesov (not to be confused with midfielder Denis Cherysev, who scored 4 goals at the WC), and stars Artem Dzyuba and youngster Alexandr Sobolev.
Group Predictions: Obviously Belgium should be able to comfortably win this group. Denmark will look to put in a solid performance and finish in second, but I would definitely tune in to watch those two sides face off Thursday June 17th @ noon EST in COPENHAGEN. Denmark having a home crowd should make things interesting. This is also true of Russia’s games, so you could always tune into those as well. You might be thinking, Elena, that seems like kind of a lot of soccer to watch? Yeah, it is, and we’re blessed to have this soccer on, 3+ games a day, nearly every day for the next month on ESPN (a channel nearly everyone has! take THAT peacock!!!!) and we MUST MAKE THE MOST OF IT!
A pic of your gals (and our mum) in COPENHAGEN a city that taught us about Mikkeler beer and for that, we are forever grateful.
Group C
Netherlands: (THE ORANJE, or, the Flying Dutchmen) If you didn’t know, the Netherlands bravely reject the colors of their flag (red, white and blue, colors which are simply overdone and we all know it), to pay tribute to their royal house of Nassau-Orange, and they have some SICK bright orange kits. More on the outfits of the euros in our upcoming Kits post (dropping Friday, we are coming in with the CONTENT for you this week baby). The Netherlands are historically a great team (they have multiple “golden generations” of football) but declined sharply in 2014 and missed out on the last Euros AND the last world cup (their women’s team, however, is stacked, and probably would win more silverware if they were paid the same!). They’ve improved steadily in recent years, thanks in part to the rise of Liverpool stars Virgil Van Dijk (who will not play a minute due to a previous knee injury, but will be there to boost team morale) and Georginio Wijnaldum (who actually is transferring to PSG). Coach Frank de Boer will look to use youngsters like Memphis Depay (Lyon) & Matthijs de Ligt (Juventus, but he might be injured) to steer the Oranje out of the group stage and on to victory. Thankfully, they’ll have some home games in Amsterdam that hopefully will make that a little easier.
Ukraine: (Головна команда aka The Main Team) Coached by Andriy Shevchenko and Captained by Andriy Pyatov, the Andriys are hoping to help Ukraine get out of the group stage for the first time ever. Last time around, they didn’t win a single match, so it’s only up from here boys! Many of the players on this squad play locally, especially for top Ukrainian side Dynamo Kyiv. Stars to watch include: Oleksandr Zinchenko (of Man City), Ruslan Malinovskyi (of Atalanta), and Viktor Tsygankov.
Austria: (Unsere Burschen aka Our Boys) Coached by Franco Foda, who used to play for West Germany coaches the squad. Austria famously has a Bundesliga, but not the one we normally talk about (just feels like a lot of Austrian stuff is kinda…German? not to cause an identity crisis but??). Their star player David Alaba has played for Bayern Munich (and was won of the most decorated players in the Bundesliga) before switching to Real.
North Macedonia: (the Risovi aka Lynxes or the Lavovi aka the Lions which are… 2 different cats) Not to be confused with Macedonia, the Greecian region, North Macedonia is here for the first time just looking to have a good time. (I mean, to be fair, they haven’t been an independent country for that long, so their history is slim pickings). They were in the lower leagues (read: the JV teams) of the European Nations League (which is sort of like the Euros but nothing matters and it takes place over way longer, it’s dumb) which secured them a spot here, despite the numerous setbacks their faced in their qualifying campaign. Coached by Igor Angelovski, who has won the domestic cup serval times as a coach, the North Macedonians have a side chock full of some sneaky good Serie A Players, such as Genoa’s Goran Pandev (who is the most capped player, highest scorer, AND the captain) and Napoli’s Eljif Elmas (their top scorer from qualifying).
Group Predictions: The Netherlands definitely got an easy go of it thanks to the supposed “random drawing” that determines the groups, which helps in their quest for a comeback. It’ll be interesting to watch them play without Virgil, especially their home matches, which will take place on June 13th @3, June 17th @ 3pm, June 21st @ 12pm. I for one will be watching North Macedonia’s EURO DEBUT this Sunday June 13th @ 12 (mostly because I don’t think they’re making it out of the group stage, sorry boys). Austria will look to leave the group stage as well, and could make a go for 1st in the group if they’re in good form.
If this all seems overwhelming…
Don’t worry! All games are on ESPN, and we’ll be watching/posting/telling you when to tune in every single day. IF this post has you hyped, just wait until tomorrow, when we unpack the rest of the groups (and all the good teams, who just so HAPPENED to be put in the same groups oh wow not rigged at all. Also Katrina did those groups which seems unfair to me but whatever!!!). IF you want to talk outfits, don’t worry, we’ll cover that too. The Euros are great practice for the Olympics (later this summer), a two week period in which your gals (us), will be demanding you watch sports all day every day (do not wait for prime time!!!! LIVE STREAMS ONLY!!!). Anyway, it’s a thrill to watch some of the best players in the world play for their home countries, so get hyped, and buy some random beers from the countries involved! Cheers!
