Eurovision 2022: Dance 4 Democracy

Amidst Champion’s League matches and NBA playoffs (that seem to have been going on for 10 years), it would be remiss of us not to cover the most important competition of the spring, nay, the year, the Final of Falsetto, the Superbowl of Song- EUROVISION 2022!!

After a triumphant victory by now-internationally renowned Italian rock back Maneskin (if you haven’t yet heard their cover of Beggin’, you probably have still been in quarantine for a year) jolting life back into a competition put on hold by the pandemic, 2021’s edition was widely heralded as “what the world needed’, and I’d argue that phrase was EVEN MORE applicable this year because * gestures broadly *. As we all know from last year’s breakdown, Eurovision is decidedly politically neutral (lol) while still simultaneously being a messy bitch who lives for (political) drama (voting blocs, historical rivalries etc etc). The field was thrown a curveball this year (understatement of the century) when Russia invaded Ukraine- after 48h of saying Russia could stay in the competion, the organizers backpedaled and ejected them. Not only was this, gasp, political, it also had huge ramifications for the voting- most former Soviet countries band with Russia because well, they’re terrified of them, so the field was really wide open. For that reason, I decided to do 0 prep and go in blind to this year’s Grand Final, ready to get my mind blown by whatever kooky combos Europe (and I guess Central Asia and Australia) would offer me this year. ( I played this drinking game while watching and quickly decided I was going to have to eliminate many rules or I would not be here today, dear reader!)

Thus, I (katrina) bring you : the Winners & Losers of Eurovision 2022

Winner: The Hosts

This was one of their tamer outfits, the next scene saw them all in sequins

The Eurovision hosts are some of the hardest working people in television. The broadcast is FOUR HOURS and requires multiple costume changes, musical performances, and of course, non-stop vamping. This year, the job was brilliantly executed by Alessandro Cattelan, an Italian TV presenter, Laura Pausini (apparently a well-known pop singer) and Mika(!!), who, while actually being Lebanese and brought up in the UK, is hugely popular in the rest of Europe (he is a judge on France’s The Voice and learned Italian in a few months to be able to guest judge on the Italian X Factor). These 3 had excellent chemistry and despite the requisite cringy dad jokes, carried off this monumental task with panache. Laura stole the show with her opening medley of hits, and her a cappella version of ‘Nel blu, dipinto di blu (Volare)’ (which, today I learned, was a Eurovision song entry in 1958!) practically destroyed the competition. Mika reminded us why the TikTok version of Grace Kelly is trash with a dynamic performance during the vote tabulation downtime. All three effortlessly covered for technical difficulties at times and were a pleasure to watch

Loser: Johnny Weir

NBC did not feel that it was enough to have the broadcast on their network and decided to add wholly unnecessary commentary from Johnny Weir in between acts. Now, readers of this blog will know we adore Johnny. His commentary of the Beijing figure skating was groundbreaking. HOWEVER when he showed up in a white three-piece suit of lace and leather (including white shorts under wide-legged transparent lace trousers), accessorised with white go-go boots and LITERAL ANGEL WINGS, I was like girl, no. My friend, you cannot try to out-camp Eurovision. It simply cannot be done. Eurovision threw the first brick at Stonewall (probably). Eurovision walked way back in the 50s so you could FLY today! RESPECT YOUR QUEER ELDERS!!! also, his commentary did not add anything to the broadcast and I ended up having to google half of the competition for background info.

Winner : Host Country Italy

From sweeping shots of the Amalfi coasts, to zooms on Rome’ gorgeous architecture, to a stage set-up with hydro-technics many were lauding as “the best Eurovision stage in years, Italy (Turin) really pulled off their turn hosting this. Their act was boring but apparently progressive because it talked about gay love, which is a big deal for a more conservative country like Italy. Finally, Maneskin’s performance during the vote tabulation break reminded us all why they won (and the lead singer made a hilarious joke referencing Coke Gate from last year : “ My advices to future contestants- have fun and don’t get too close to the table!”)

Loser : Dramatic ballads

Words I want to hear in the intros before the acts : “over the top” “ridiculous” “bizarre” “unusual’ “a choice”. Words I DON’T WANT TO HEAR : “stripped down” “acoustic” “slow” “simple” “emotional’ I DO NOT COME TO EUROVISION FOR THIS CONTENT. I guess this year everyone was like damn shit is crazy and maybe it would be like, insensitive to make an electro-dance remix, so let’s do a heartfelt ballad. TO THAT I SAY NO THANK YOU NON MERCI NO GRAZIE NEIN. BORING. SO many acts just got up there and belted their way to a tearjerking conclusion in outfits that had little to nothing to do with the concept of the song (looking at you Greece, Australia, Poland, Switzerland !!!). If this is a trend, it absolutely needs to be stopped. (shoutout to Moldova for getting things back on track)

Winner : Booty

not the best booty shot but i promise you, it was there

Let’s be honest- in any other year, Chanel’s “bootylicious” (the commentator’s words, not mine!) song “SloMo” would have been the clear winner. (As it was, it received tons of votes from the public, finishing in third overall) This song had everything : a bedazzled matador jacket that was destined to be stripped off in style, booty bopping moves, men in glittery fishnets, a bumpin beat, SEX APPEAL, a lead singer who was giving Camilla Cabello!!! Plus realistically, this song would be a commercial hit in the EU, US and Latin America. Alas, extenuating circumstances (we’ll get there- hint it involves a geopolitical crisis) prevented Chanel from winning, but the widespread appreciation for the booty makes me think we haven’t seen the last of her.

Loser : the UK

Now if you consult almost any online article about Eurovision , they will disagree with me on this one, and I see their point in that last year, the UK received ZERO POINTS from the public and like, 2 from the judges in a strong anti-Brexit statement. It was just brutal. This year, the UK came in SECOND PLACE overall, so you might be thinking it’s an improvement. Sure, if you ROOT FOR ENGLAND which I clearly do not. Not to mention, this act was not even good?? The man sang this song called “Space Man” (blatant rip off of rocketman if you ask me!) and had like 60s style attire and hair. He was “right chuffed” as you can a imagine, but this is just a reminder to our readers : stop the UK at all costs, they are getting too powerful (and how did it work out last time England ran the world?? Badly!)

Winner : Languages other than English

Most countries have a tendency to sing in English because obviously you need to secure the popular vote, and like, no one speaks Polish (please see the excellent film, Eurovision Song Contest: the Story of Fire Saga, for more details) This year, we saw more and more acts using their native languages (or in Romania’s case, another country’s- for some reason they chose to sing in Spanish?). Shoutout to Lithuania for their sexy cabaret single, to Iceland for a Dixie Chicks/Alison Krause inspired trio, (their name was Systur because they’re sisters) and to Serbia for a weirdly creepy chant about hand-washing and Megan Markle’s hair all sung in their mother tongues. (France’s entry in Breton was less successful, or as some might call it, unlistenable)

Loser: My Wallet

NBC did me a dirty and put this broadcast on Peacock Premium (aka The Cock) forcing me to pay 5 dollars to watch this. Two points : 1) this is aired on state TV in Europe so it’s free for all of them and 2) i don’t even get to VOTE in this contest, making this taxation without representation!! When will they give UP on the cock already

Winner : Ukraine

Ukraine was the HEAVY betting favorite going into the night and to no one’s surprise, dominated the popular vote with a record 600 points. I’m going to be real with you, was it THE BEST song? no, that title really should have gone to Spain, the polka rap Macedonians or the surrealist wolf-banana masterpiece that was Subwolfer’s act, however, given the circumstances, I think we can give it to them. I knew Ukraine would be tough to beat regardless, so I had pretty low expectations for their song, but tbh, it was actually pretty good! An ode to the lead singer’s mother, the hip-hop song with folk inspired beats has come to symbolize national pride for the Ukrainian motherland and it is a sleeper banger.The group obviously had to overcome many challenges to get to the competition, including a special waiver to leave Ukraine, and having to get a replacement member since one of their dancers is at the front lines, so no one can say they did not deserve this win. The announcement was met with an emotional response from the audience and competitors, while the hosts lauded it as a “victory for peace” (of course, the Eurovision chairman was a bit more nervous as it seems unlikely Ukraine will be able to host next year!!). They did deserve it, and I’m proud of them!

Well, we made it! 4h and several beers later, I leave you exhausted and overwhelmed - until next year !(in Kyiv???)