Not Just Any Trophy: A Really Big Trophy
It’s memorial day weekend folks and we all know what that means- the start of summer THE CHAMPION’S LEAGUE FINAL. European soccer leagues wrapped up their regular seasons last week in a truly thrilling fashion (well, for like, 2/4 of them), and now there’s one trophy left up for grabs. We’re getting you ready for perhaps the most hyped single match competition of the year, but before we do, a quick recap of everything else that went down:
Four Seasons in Four Sentences
Man City’s robots triumph over humanity, scoring 3 goals in 5 1/2 minutes to win their final game and secure the Premier League Title. PSG has long been the title winners of Ligue 1,far ahead of everyone else, but they were the winners for a bigger reason this past weekend when Mbappe announced he is STAYING WITH THE CLUB and has signed a 3 year extension (hard to say no to that big emirate $). Real Madrid has also already been title winners for awhile, Sevilla kinda blew it to be honest but here’s hoping they continue to grow and tackle it next year. In the SCUDETTO (italy!) Milan came out on top (AC, not Inter) for the first time in… 11 years, but TRAGICALLY we lost Venezia and their sweet sweet kits to the relegation battle. Sorry- bonus sentence- important update on ASSE: They are in the relegation playoffs and will face Ligue 2’s AJ Auxerre (who have been on a winning streak) in a 2 Leg Winner Takes All battle today & Sunday.
Champion’s League 101
Welcome to Intro to the Champions league, take your seat I hope you brought a pencil, this is your crash course. What IS the Champion’s league you ask? Well besides a giant pot of money for oligarchs to fight over, it’s a collection of the top teams from the top leagues of Europe- the top 4 of the Premier League, Serie A, the Bundesliga, and La Liga, plus the top 2 of Ligue 1 & Portugal, plus some other teams that sneak in from those leagues in qualifying rounds, plus teams from Austria, Belgium, Denmark, Turkey, the Czech Republic, Ukraine, Switzerland, and a bunch of others. But mostly it’s just the first guys we mentioned- it’s telling to note that the teams who have won the most UCL Titles are, in order: Real Madrid (13), AC Milan (7), Bayern Munich (6), and Liverpool (6). It’s an oligarchy of its own!
The final is SATURDAY and SURPISE two of those teams we just mentioned are in it. Unlike all the other elimination rounds (which follow the group stage, classic soccer tourney set up, if you don’t know her please see any of our many Cup Primers), which are a 2 leg home & away affair, the final is a SPECTACLE, a WINNER TAKE ALL, NO HOLDS BARRED, single match game for ALL THE MARBLES. It takes place at a random location, and by random I mean Whomever Threw The Most Money At UEFA- in this case it was Russia, but then Russia invaded Ukraine and FIFA realized it wasn’t the BEST look to support the regime (but the Saudis & Qataris are fine don’t worry), so they switched it to PARIS.
Real Madrid
*insert chorus of boos*
Just kidding this blog is completely unbiased we don’t root for anyone we are just presenting you the information clearly and without favoring anyone!!!! Real Madrid is fresh off winning the La Liga Title, and they have knocked out a lot of heavyweights to make it to this final. See: PSG, Chelsea, Man City (you may have heard of them?). Coached by Carlo Ancelotti (formerly of Everton), the first manager to win a title in all of Europe’s top 5 leagues (winning Serie A with Milan, Ligue 1 with PSG, the EPL with Chelsea, the Bundesliga with Bayern, and now La Liga). He’s arguably one of the best managers of all time (or at least, on paper, one of the most successful) and is known for his ability to mold his strategy to the players at his disposal. At Real, there are plenty of talented players for him to shuffle through- Karim Benzema (of prostitution ring fame!) who has been in top shape all year (the man is an animal), goalkeeper Thibault Courtois (the man is a giant, I didn’t know belgians could BE that tall), Luka Modric (an aging star but still one of the greatest midfielders in the game, Vini Jr, Rodrygo (if your team doesn’t have a mononym brazilian, you cannot win, its a law of nature), Toni Kroos (token german) etc etc. He also has Gareth Bale & Eden Hazard chilling on the bench in case any of his goalscorers get tired. There are definitely a lot of veterans on this squad, but they’re very much Oldies but Goodies and still in form enough to keep this game spicy. Some famous Real Madrid fans, to keep you company should you choose to root for them: Tom Cruise, Zac Efron, JLo, Russell Crowe, Usain Bolt, and the King of Jordan (????).
Liverpool
THE CREAM OF THE KLOPP BABY
Again we are Not Biased, but if we WERE we would be rooting for Liverpool (Katrina’s EPL team- she liked them before they were cool though). First of all, no offense to our english mates, but they’re from a crap lil town whose entire actual economy collapsed a long time ago and now football (and the beatles) are kind of all they have. Second of all, they are coached by German Dreamboat Jurgen Klopp, who loves to give his players hugs and frequently can be heard celebrating goals with a Very German “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”. He’s a left wing KING (anti brexit- “it makes no sense”, pro vax- “ignore lies and misinformation”, and pro beer), and on the pitch he has transformed Liverpool from a floundering money pit into one the greatest football squads in recent history. Their bench alone could have made it to the UCL final. Top Players include: Sadio Mane (a man we are absolutely BEGGING to shave his head), Prince of Egypt Mo Salah, Trent Alexander Arnold, Alex Robertson, Virgil Van Dijk, Thiago (who may or may not play Saturday tbd), and Brazilian goalkeeper Alisson (tbt to last year when he accidentally scored a goal right after his dad died in a drowning accident), and Roberto Firmino (we don’t objectify athletes, but, MAJOR hottie). There’s a bit of drama here for 2 reasons: 1) Mo Salah has not yet committed to staying at liverpool for next season, which could be causing TENSION IN THE SQUAD and 2) this game is a rematch of the 2018 UCL Final, during which Supervillain Sergio Ramos famously f*cked up Mo Salah’s shoulder and Real Madrid ended up winning. Of course, Liverpool won the next year (beating Tottenham), but there’s a vendetta here nonetheless. Famous Liverpool fans to cheer along with: Katrina, John Green, Dr. Dre, Daniel Craig, Nelson Mandela, Samuel L Jackson, LeBron James.
School’s Out!
Let us know in comments who you’re rooting for (there is a correct answer) and your predictions for the match (I hope they kiss). We’re signing off of soccer coverage until the leagues start up again (AND THE WORLD CUP RETURNS) but in the meantime support your local NWSL team and remember to look each other in the eyes when you cheers. Salud!
