Ferris Bueller Could Never
Ok absolutely NO ONE PANIC but European Soccer returns this week, and we are, in a word, not ready. Granted your die hard fans will have been watching these cute little pre season games for the past couple weeks (nothing like a world tour baby!) and if you haven’t noticed it feels like *checks watch* five minutes since we wrapped up last season and the transfer window isn’t closing for another month so essentially these teams could still totally change their make up and their strategy but! Life moves pretty fast folks what can we say! And yes I am on a Ferris Bueller kick that will not be the only reference in this article. Here’s what’s on deck for ya: We’re going to run through our top leagues, why you should watch, maybe we’ll make a wild prediction for you. Then in a second post (2 posts? How did y’all get so lucky) we’ll talk more in detail about the PREMIER LEAGUE because, I don’t know, we play favorites? It’s the most accessible (kinda)? And it’s the one we will be expecting you all to be selecting a team from and it BETTER NOT BE LEEDS OKAY. Anyways
The Premier League
Where to watch: NBC, the Cock, sometimes it’s on USA?
Ok Main Character Energy? If any European soccer league is Ferris, it’s this one. People rally behind him. He’s effortlessly popular, he’s the voice of a generation, he’s the one that gets everything he wants. The Premier League remains the top destination for soccer stars, including Erling Haaland, who’s come over from Borussia Dortmund to boost champion Man City’s profile. Even aging stars, like Cristiano Ronaldo have set up camp in the EPL (much to Man United’s chagrin, since he very vocally has been searching for a new team and I swear I read a headline every other day that’s like “Team X has declared they’re not interested in Ronaldo”, which is kind of hilarious). As mentioned above, we’re going to go through and break down everything the Premier League has to offer (AND MORE) in a separate post, but here’s the cliff notes: Man City won last year, and they made some interesting trades in the offseason. Liverpool came in second last year, and though they gave up Sadio Mane (a huge goal scorer), they locked in Mo Salah and are still a top side. Chelsea might be the most intimidating to me right now, since they stole Raheem Sterling from City in the offseason and coach Thomas Tuchel seems to have the team better molded to his ideals at this point. Then there’s Tottenham Hotspur, who I tbh have forgotten about all off season so not sure what they accomplished, and Arsenal, who made a bunch of splashy (some problematic!) purchases to let everyone know they are back. In. action. At the bottom of the table, favorites Leeds, Everton, and the Brentford bees all survived despite having troubles throughout last season, and we said goodbye to Burnley, Watford, and Norwich (who are the most relegated team in history). New kids on the block include Fulham (who have gone up and down like 6 times in 6 years, they just trade norwich for the most relegated title every year), AFC Bournemouth (who also are yo-yoing back up) and Nottingham Forest (who might be the cutest freshman I’ve ever seen). More on that later but now, TO FRANCE.
Ligue 1
Where to watch: Pretty much exclusively on BeIn Sports, because there’s no U.S broadcast partner. But if you have fubo you get that channel!
Now, in the context of the film calling Ligue 1 the Jeannie Bueller of the leagues may seem like a little bit of a dig. You guys know us, and you know we love PSG, and you know we are here to support the farmer’s league, but it 100% has the air of a league that Has It’s Shit Together and Thinks It’s Better Than You and you know what? There’s a lot of a turmoil going on under there. There’s definitely some jealously, and there’s definitely some sabotaging of others. Is the corrupt Qatari regime going to throw a ridiculous amount of money at Mbappe to make him stay at PSG, despite the fact that they probably won’t win the champion’s league title? Yes. Because if they can’t have him, no one can! And that’s sort of the PSG business model- pay people absolutely insane salaries, give them a bougie life in paris, and make it impossible for anyone else to afford them/ make it impossible to leave. Granted, that leaves them putting some of their best young talent on the bench and failing to develop them, or it sends people out on loans where PSG still is stuck paying the majority of the salaries, but it’s the way they’re choosing to do business. Mbappe, Neymar, and Messi are all staying on this year, trying to give this Super Team- 2020 Brooklyn Nets- energy one more try, and have added a new coach to their team to make the magic happen (Christophe Gaultier, a pro in France and most recently at Nice, has been criticized for his lack of experience in Europe). Elsewhere there is drama because OM (Olympique de Marseille) has decided to implode and completely wing it these season (fired their coach for no reason). Monaco has spent the offseason getting hot (i.e. buying new players) so hopefully they can get after it this year. Crowd faves Clermont Foot survived last year but are likely to have a rough time this year, newly promoted Toulouse are a cinderella story you will want to root for, and we are still personally mourning the loss of our dear, dear, ASSE (St. Etienne) ( ASS ASS ASS)who were relegated last season.
Serie A
Where to watch: CBS, Paramount+
It’s hot, don’t @ me
Some of you guys didn’t just watch this movie that I for some reason have decided to make my personality for the moment (weird, because it only came out like… 36 years ago), but I DID and I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN CHARLIE SHEEN WAS IN IT. He’s a bad boy, he’s sex, he’s mysterious, and yet completely unimportant as a plot device and his only purpose is to undermine the credibility of Jennifer Grey’s character. And I love that! Which is why I’m telling you the sexiest league in all of europe is Serie A. First of all, they were one of the only one of these leagues to ACTUALLY have a title race (arguably the premier league had one, but I am a nihilist and was dubious in Liverpool’s chances from the getgo). There was drama, there was a three week period where ever title contender seemed to be throwing the race, and there was AC Milan winning it all in the end after years of title drought. Merely 1 season after their hometown rivals Inter Milan ended their OWN title drought- so now we get to see that rivalry peak once again, AND we will see Juventus, who spent last season sulking about losing Ronaldo, actually try to win again. Second of all, they’ve brought Paul Pogba back into the mix (he’s on Juventus now, coming from Man United), who I love and adore and I am hoping this makes him actually want to play again. Third of all, it is frequently the league with the most goals scored on average, and considering most of y’all are like “I don’t like soccer because it’s boring and there aren’t enough goals scored” that should be a MAJOR attractor for you. And FOURTH OF ALL, Serie A still has Jose Mourinho coaching a team (Roma), and if you don’t know who that is, imagine if your most toxic Real Housewife (think:Tamra) was a soccer coach who used to be incredibly successful and now is just literally insane. They also routinely have very fun and out there kits!! Have I convinced you to watch yet?
La Liga
Where to watch: ESPN, ESPN+, sometimes (rarely) ABC.
I’m going to need a little flexibility from y’all with this comparison, but, hear me out, La Liga is Cameron. NOT beginning of the movie, catatonic Cameron, but the transformed one, and here’s why: La Liga was a bummer last season. Yes, there was a title race for like five minutes, but Real Madrid really ran away with it, Atletico Madrid imploded, and no one knew whether or not Barca was going to be financially operational come each match day. They had all the tools to be interesting and successful- despite losing perhaps their largest attraction at the beginning of last year (Messi, the GOAT, and, perhaps in this case Cameron’s Dad’s Car) the spanish league is still a massive talent pool- from aging Luka Modric to superstar Karim Benzema (who btw had his best season to date, a renaissance so to speak). They COULD have been fun and we saw flashes of that when Barcelona got their shit together for a minute and when Sevilla made a go of things for the title, but it never really came together. Then, that beautiful car unlodged itself from the cinderblock holding it aloft (or, in this case, the idea that a club should be financially soluble) and La Liga now is just like…idk fuck it let’s spend a bunch of money and see what happens. Specifically Broke Ass Barca (how! Are! They! Paying! Anyone!) who went out and snagged Robert Lewandowski (see below, but like, an amazing player), Jules Kounde, and Raphinha (the late breaking news is that the president of the club is injecting 100m euros to pay for all this which, I don’t really understand). It’s giving drama, it’s giving a devil may care attitude, and we’re HYPE to watch it implode (and watch some crazy fut along the way)
The Bundesliga
Where to watch: CBS, Paramount+
the hero we deserve
Vice Principal Rooney called and he wants his vibes back. If you think I invited y’all here (here being, this blog post and, more specifically, my overextended Ferris Bueller analogy for the leagues of Europe) just to shit on the German league, well, you’re not totally wrong. But this isn’t only a bundesliga hate account, and just like we have to understand that VP Rooney was DOING HIS JOB, the german league serves a great purpose in the larger European soccer ecosystem. Mainly, the Bundesliga has been an excellent arena for developing young minds and talent, shaping them into football players that can compete on the world stage (idk…kinda like a certain suburban Chicago high school but what do I know!). Not only Erling Haaland but Gio reyna and Christian Pulisic before him have all honed their skills in the Bundie before moving on to bigger teams. Yes, the loss of Lewandowski (the top goal scorer in the league and just all-around superstar) does create a pretty big vacancy in this league, but on the BRIGHT side, the loss of such a dominant player could mean that, for once, someone BESIDES BAYERN MUNICH will win the whole dang thing! Anyways that’s about as much speculation as I care to do, because I did literally 0 research on this part of the posts (because it’s boring!!)and I am out of knowledge. Respect Mr. Rooney!!!!
The Champions League
Where to watch: CBS, Paramount+
Perfect to me.
Maybe this isn’t supposed to be my takeaway from Ferris Bueller, but I have always thought the point of the movie is, in part, just how hot Sloane is. Like not only is ferris super cool, and incredibly likeable, and gets away with murder, but he also has this total babe in a cool finge jacket swooning over him? Lucky guy. Sloane is the girl we all want to be, and the girl every guy wishes he had, and baby if that ain’t the Champion’s League, then nothing is. It’s hot, it’s important, and everyone is spending millions of dollars to get a chance of winning it. If you’re not participating in this trophy race, you’re a nobody! Last year, Real Madrid went on a total rampage to win the whole dang this- they beat the likes of PSG, Man City, Chelsea, and, in the final, Liverpool. That is some STIFF competition if you haven’t been paying attention to ANYTHING I said so far. It’s still too early to say if they’ll be able to defend their title, but just know that this is a competition that is HARD FOUGHT and it’s pretty much ALL PEOPLE CARE ABOUT.
Playing Hooky
If it feels a little early for soccer to be revving up again, you’re correct- it’s going to be a very wonky season because in the MIDDLE OF IT (well, like three months in, which isn’t really the middle because the seasons are apparently 10 months long it is truly insane..however thinking more about it a lot of sports make their seasons way too long…and then we’re like why do people keep getting injured?? Idk food for thought I guess!) there’s going to be a WORLD CUP. A WORLD FREAKIN CUP! IN NOVEMBER!!!!!! Normally that would take place in the offseason (June into July) but because it is happening in the seventh circle of hell Qatar, where temperatures in the summer can reach up to 120 degrees fahrenheit (WHAT) they decided maybe that wasn’t going to be the best environment for high intensity physical activity. Perhaps they should have made that decision before awarding hosting responsibilities to a super morally/politically corrupt nation in the middle of the fucking desert, but, they have a loooooot of money and for some reason that worked! We love a good sports wash! We’re going to brief you on the world cup LATER (because there is so much to know and there will be a quiz on it!) but, in brief, that’s why soccer is starting now. It is also why there will be a month long break in the middle of the season, and why there will be games played during the Christmas vacation window (which is always a thing in England- BOXING DAY FIXTURES they like to call them, but everyone else normally gets a lil break). All of this makes for a very interesting start to the season, and it will be a key factor in many title races- teams already have a tough time keeping their players healthy in a regular season, so taking away summer vacay and piling way more games on top of that will be very tricky.
That’s all for now- keep an eye out for our in depth guide to the English Premier League, and we will see you all Bright and Early on Saturday morning at the pubs for a pint!!!
