Jolly Ol’ England Innit
WE BACK, or, as they say in England “OY WUTS ALL DIS THEN?” and if you were wondering if we are going to spend this entire blog post making fun of those silly little accents…you were correct!(and this WILL continue for the entire season, I don’t make the rules, if you’re going to call chips crisps I WILL make fun of you). I don’t have an elaborate metaphor to frame this soccer post- we’re just going to be talking cold. Hard. sports. If you don’t know the roster of Arsenal’s perfect undefeated season…don’t let the door hit you on the way out! It’s GATEKEEPING HOURS baby!!!!
Just kidding (the only gatekeepers we support are those Buckingham palace blokes) but imagine if someone actually asked you that and guess what- one time a man actually did. Anyways! Less talking about men being horrible, more talking about men kicking a ball around! (potentially still being horrible).We’re going to tell you everything you need to know about every gosh dang team in the Premier League this season- from superstars to songs to mascots- so you can gatekeeper in your own time. Or, so you can share the joy of British people being absolute wankers & incredible athletes doing incredible things! Whatever your reasons (mine: drinking on a Saturday and getting approval from random 50-year-olds at the pub), this guide has everything you know to be a proper footy fan. And we’ll be ab so lute ly gutted if you don’t like it. (but if you liked Ted Lasso, you’ll like this, we promise!)
Some key vocab:
The Table: Current standings
Relegation: Something we desperately need in the NFL. Bottom of table teams get bumped down to the second tier (more on that in a second), where there is considerably less money (due to the fact that minor leagues make less in advertising, broadcasting, etc etc, making for lower salaries, shittier teams, etc etc). Some leagues will have a relegation playoff where the best bottom team plays the worst top team from a lower league. Just imagine, we would never have to watch the Jets again if we had this here!!
Promotion: Speaking of lower leagues! Like the most idealist version of America, the promotion system relies upon an ideal that any team can make it to the top tier. If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and you win your league, you get bumped up to the next league. That means, in theory, you can start from the bottom and make it all the way up to the top. In practice…not so much, since the amount of money is the main determinant of success, which feels eerily familiar?
The Tiers: Ok the Premier League, who we’re discussing today, is the top tier. The cream of the crop. Everyone wants to be her. In English football, there are 4 tiers of professional football, below which is, you know, not professional football. The lower you go, the less successful, the less money there is, the less people care. (again, if you watch Ted Lasso, you should get this part) They chose to name these tiers in the MOST CONFUSING WAY POSSIBLE, because, idk, England out here trying to claim intellectual superiority or some shit. The second tier is the English Championship (not to be confused with the Champion’s League, which is the continent-wide competition of the top teams from each top league from a bunch of countries). The third tier is helpfully called League One, and the fourth is called League Two. Obviously.
On Loan: Like a fake little trade, teams will lend out their players 1) to make money off them and 2) to give them playing time. This is common among players who won’t make the first team (aka the first string) and tbh a lot of them THRIVE in a new environment.
New Kids on the Block
Sort of a misleading characterization, since two of these three times were recently in the EPL, but this is a new year and we are giving them a FRESH START.
AFC Bournemouth
I’ll admit it- I have a sweet spot for the Cherries. Is it because the last time they were in the league they had one player who looked like a less terrifying version of this guy from Peaky Blinders? Proper fit that lad. Maybe, but they also have charm and chutzpah (sp?) and the vibes are pretty good considering they’re a low level team. They were actually pretty solidly middle of the table before being relegated in 2020, so we’re glad to have them back. Bournemouth is in Dorset- the French Riviera of England (jk, there is no riviera in England, only fog rain and pain), and their team is made up of pretty much exclusively English blokes. We’re talking dudes with names like “Jack Stacey” and “James Hill” and even “Adam Smith” (who writes economic theory in his spare time I guess)- not a single chin in the bunch and the teeth are…not good. Fookin NHS roit lads??? Tbh, of the newbies I don’t feel like they’re stable enough to do well this year, but I would love for them to prove me wrong.
Nottingham Forest
If you take away nothing else from this blog, you must know that I am a die hard supporter of any underdog team! And if you tell me that this cute little team from Nottinghamshire (made up name) who call themselves the Tricky Trees (of all the mascots- you went with a tree?) (it’s like the forest e SHERWOOD probably) and who have been around longer than most of my rights as a woman (1865, and still kicking) are back in the Premier League thanks to an unlikely win in the promotion playoffs for the first time in 20+ years??? That’s going to be the team I root for hands down. At one point they were relegated all the way down to the third tier of English football! They recently beefed up their ranks with some solid transfers, including snagging Jesse Lingard from Manchester United. Another bonus: They’re trying to sign a guy named Jizz Horncamp. JIZZ. HORN. CAMP. no futher comment needed. Anyways I’m ALL IN ON FOREST, and their quirky little welsh coach, seen here… is this the new McKayla Moroney not impressed meme…stay tuned
Fulham
Sry but is their manager is legit Collin Farrell?
Fulham’s relationship to the premier league is much like that of a toxic ex- they keep coming back for more, only to end up back on the couch with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s watching Dirty Dancing and screaming “ME? I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING- I’M SCARED OF WHAT I SAW, WHAT I DID, OF WHO I AM… AND MOST OF ALL I’M SCARED OF WALKING OUT OF THIS ROOM…AND NEVER FEELING THE REST OF MY WHOLE LIFE… THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I’M WITH YOU” at the same time as Baby (is that too niche? Maybe. This week is just a series of blog posts in which I try to convince you to watch as many 80s movies as possible). (give Elena an opportunity to quote dirty dancing and she will. this is not always a good thing) Anyways, The Cottagers (because they live in smol houses?) aka The Whites (yikes) are 1 of roughly 1 million London squads, they are owned by the same guy who owns the Jacksonville Jaguars (a man whose only passion is shitty sports teams I guess). Under Shahid Khan’s tenure, they spent 4 years building their way back up to the EPL, getting promoted in 2018. They have spent the LAST four years yo-yoing back and forth (getting promoted, getting relegated, repeat). Their coach, Marco Silva, led a great campaign last year, and will look to break the relegation pattern this year. The squad is a real who’s-who of Dudes You’ve Never heard of, but there are 2 Americans (Antonee Robinson & Vice-Captain Tim Ream), and several token Brazilians. Our advice: Listen to Ethan Craft.
Squeaky Clean
Teams that had a rough go of it last year- either sliding down the table or fighting relegation all year long. They squeaked through! What matters is they made it here, and for that we are grateful!
Everton FC
One of the most historic teams in English football, the Blues are a perfect foil to Liverpool FC, their crosstown rivals. While every big team has gone through growing pains and rough patches, Everton seems lost in a way that is super concerning- and the fans have been very vocal about it. There were fan protests throughout last season, calls for everyone to be fired, big posters saying the club was a right mess (zero lies detected). It came down to the FINAL MATCHDAY and somehow Everton avoided relegation NARROWLY. We’re hoping, for Roger Bennett’s sake, that they took something away from that near death experience, but, based on the fact that they’ve done nothing of note during the transfer window (except for selling Richarlisson to spurs), we’re not optimistic. (plus as you may recall, I, Katrina, am a Liverpool fan. That being said, it’s not a right proper rivalry if one team is absolutely bottling it innit).
Leeds United FC
*sighs deeply*. Everyone, I apologize in advance, but this is a team you’re going to hear about on American airwaves nonstop this season. Why- well I’ll get to that in a second, but first, a little back story. 2 years ago, when this blog was a mere infant, Leeds was promoted to the Premier League after a long long journey through the Tiers of english football. It was a fall from grace on a monumental level, and their odyssey back into greatness, spearheaded by coach Marco Bielsa, is one that will be cemented in the storied halls of Leeds United. That was when I adopted them as my team, for the record, because, as discussed, you show me an underdog and I am swooning like a Victorian lady on promenade shown something as scandalous as, say, an ankle (god forbid). The first year back was a little tumultuous, but they scraped by. Last year, they crumbled. Having lost a bunch of key players and stuck with a coach who only knew how to get them out of the trenches but no clue as to what real warfare looked like, Leeds was alone in a battlefield facing a torrent of attacks from better teams. They were losing…a lot. Relegation seemed inevitable at times. ENTER: Jesse Marsch, Wisconsin born football coach who clawed his way up through MLS (winning coach of the year) before going over to Europe (where the real soccer is) and into the Red Bull Machine (first at Leipzig, then at Salzburg). There is nothing USA broadcasts love more than an American chap in England, and they WILL be reminding you of this CONSTANTLY as well as making aggressive Ted Lasso comparison(I highly doubt this man can make biscuits like Ted!) Like, in every press conference. Trent Crimm (the Independent) would never stand for it! Adding insult to injury, Marsch went ahead and acquired…an American player (Tyler Adams, a hot shot out of Red Bull Academy but originally from our mum’s hometown of Wappinger, NY!). I know, I know, it’s good the USMNT to have players developing overseas (see: Christian Pulisic) but it’s just not creative storytelling. The storyline is boring but it is all there is to say about Leeds right now and if that’s (that being America) what you’re interested in (weird because haven’t you noticed all the hilarious british lingo there is?), then this is your team.
Newcastle United FC
I think you mean to say SAUDI ARABIA’S WASHATERIA NEWCASTLE UNITED, since midway through last season they got the injection of a fat stack of cash or as we say in British, bangers n mash (cockney rhyming slang, you can’t make this shit up)(in return for the world forgetting that the owners of this team brutally murdered a dissident journalist, have stripped women of their few remaining rights[hey they can drive now e!!] and, in general, just do a bunch of bad shit). But honestly? Sometimes you just gotta get after it and I will not hate on someone for getting in their bag. (On the count of 3 ? Bad bitches get money)The money gave Newcastle the confidence to turn their season around after a very rough start, and they ended up finishing roughly middle of the table. They are splashing money around right now- making multiple unsuccessful offers for James Maddison (former U.S. president), clashing with West Ham in a race to snag Maxwell Cornet, and got a few more deals for new players in the works as well. Unclear whether this will make anything of the team, but if there’s one thing Saudis love to do, it’s throw money at a problem! If that’s your energy, up the Magpies baby!
Aston Villa FC
Prince Williams team! (Also- Tom Hanks’ apparently) Villa is a real rollercoaster of a squad these past few years. Each season they’ve gone as high as 4th place only to fight it out as May rolls around- whether it’s an issue of stamina or a lack of a greater purpose we can’t really say, but they do have fun colors (blue, yellow, maroon), an English soccer icon as a manager (Stephen Gerrard, formerly of Liverpool), and somehow despite letting their best players leave every season hasn’t gotten them relegated yet. Star players on this side include a gaggle of English blokes, notably Danny Ings, less notably but it rhymes and so I wanted to include him Tyrone Mings, and captain Ashley Young.
Southampton FC
I swear to god this team is a figment of the British imagination. It’s so generically England, it can’t actually be real and yet! The Saints are real and they’ve been hanging around the EPL since 2011, despite their best efforts to be relegated in the past few years. They’re are easy to pick on and have had a fair deal of COVID woes, but thanks to a new owner as of January 2022 (A Serbian) they’ve managed to eke out the last two seasons in 15th place which is technically middle ish of the table. Every year people predict they will be relegated, and so far... No dice! That being said they’ve actually had a string of good showings in competitions like the FA Cup(one of those made up competitions that doesn’t count for the main table thingy), so maybe if they focused on the league instead of that they would place better. Maybe not. Idk they really don’t matter to me. As much as I would love to have mascot consistency across my teams, these Saints are not my Saints.
Average Blokes
Brentford FC
UP THE BEES! For my Connecticut homies, this is the team for you (hornets are red hot!). Brentford returned to the top tier last season, and had a grand ol’ time giving some big 5 teams a run for their money. At times, they sat in the top half of the table. Despite being new in the league, they performed very well, and they won the hearts and support of everyone when they helped welcome Christian Eriksen back into football after he suffered cardiac arrest during a game the summer before (literally we almost watched this man DIE i’m still not ok!)(he has since moved on, more on that later, but honestly the man is an icon and his story of survival and resilience is one that will make me cry every single time). The only issue here is that OFTEN the second year in a league is the harder one- you have less momentum, the bill comes due etc, and it’s a lot harder to motivate a team to push through the quite literally endless season when they’re not still riding that promotional high. This team has a solid core of mostly Danes (randomly) including Coach Thomas Frank, and like, most of their players (could be an advantage if they all just choose to speak danish on the pitch).
Leicester FC
DA FOXY FOXES! It might be tough to start rooting for a team that already peaked, but! If you were prom king in high school and still talk about it, this might be a team for you. Or, if you love to remind people how you liked that one thing before it was cool (arguably I just did that re: Leeds, which is a criticism I will take under consideration). Leicester (pronounced LESTER, not LIE CESS TER bc, british) shocked the world way back in the 2015/16 season by WINNING IT ALL when absolutely no one expected it except Ben’s office mate Logan. The world has definitely changed since then (looks wistfully at the sky, writes an entire novel about the loss of the American Dream & falling in love with a girl named Daisy) but the cast of characters in the foxhole haven’t been dramatically different. We’ve still got Jamie Vardy as the main event (it’s…. Rebekah Vardy’s account, that’s a Wagatha Christie reference you need to read up on) even though he is old and definitely past his prime and maybe should retire? He’s 35- that’s ancient, but he’s dedicated to this club and we respect a Steph Curry type of loyalty. Their coach, Brendan Rogers, aka BROG (soft G there) is the second part of that reliving-past-glory energy, since every time someone ELSE is in the news he finds a way to make it about him and say he actually is the reason for their success. Which is a big white man energy, however it’s kind of his signature move, so I respect it. Leicester has had some flashes of greatness over the last few years, and they can beat a good team on a good day, but with James Maddison looking to leave and DANISH SWEETHEART GOALIE/team captain Kasper Schmiechel (sounds fake but it’s a real name) eyeing a trip to France (specifically Nice, announced yesterday), they’ll have to make some moves to remain competitive in the top flight (or just commit to not winning this season, which looks like their strategy rn)
Brighton & Hove Albion FC
BHA on scoreboard, these beachside boys are a solid low commitment team to root for. Do people keep thinking they’re going to relegated? Yuppers. They’ve kept themselves afloat somehow, even though their squad is just a bunch of randos. Star Spanish defender Marc Cucurella is likely to be traded to Chelsea (for some pocket change of 30+ mil) so hopefully they can use that cash to fill out their ranks a little better. It’s looking like they’ve yet to make any impactful moves in terms of buying players in this trade window, which doesn’t bode INCREDIBLY well for the ol’ Seagulls of Sussex (intriguing mascot choice)
Wolverhampton Wanderers FC
100% the greatest name in the game (and a pretty sick logo to boot! I am not obsessed with their colors because I don’t think it looks as orangey gold as it should, it normally comes off more yellow, but yellow is still better than yet another blue or red team, so in the end, I support it). The Wolves had a really tough time in the COVID season, losing their top striker Jimenez (not to covid, to a fractured skull, which is worse imho) and suffering some big $ losses as well. After that rough patch, they fired Portuguese coach Nuno Santos, and hired a DIFFERENT Portuguese coach, Bruno Lagos. Not sure what the attachment to Portugal is- maybe just a commitment to the bit? Is Bruno just three Nuno Santoses on top of each other wearing a trench coat? Hard to say. After a few early losses, they really hit their stride midseason, and then fell apart at the end (relatable), leaving them exactly in the middle of the table. The main issue for this team is SCORING GOALS- last year they scored 38 goals in 38 games, which isn’t a great statistic.As you might have realized, you do need to score goals to win games. Overall: 9/10 for design, 3/10 for entertainment value.
Crystal Palace FC
Katrina likes to say this team sounds like a Pokémon location (battlefield? Idk I know nothing about Pokémon) (GYM elena jeez) and she’s not totally wrong. They’re not located in the Pokédex though, they’re located in LONDON TOWN babes! (again) They’re named after the neighborhood, obvi, more specifically a big expo building that was relocated into the area from Hyde Park. What really matters: their superstar Wilfried Zaha is in great form entering this season. They’ve also got Jordan Ayew (from Ghana), AMERICAN Chris Richards and are supposedly on the verge of signing a game changing defender (Kofi Balmer). I think they’d love to be in the race for European football (i.e the Europa League, the lower level of the Champion’s League), although it seems unlikely considering the steep competition for big money at the top of the table.
West Ham United FC
In this house, we love west ham. It’s not the team we claim to support, but any team that blows bubbles when they win is going to win my heart. Also their team song is “I’m forever blowing bubbles”... no notes! Perfect! They’re known as the Irons or the Hammers. If you’re new to footy, the movie Green Street Hooligans (starting Elijah Wood) is an excellent primer, and it’s based off this team (also you’ll see some shirtless Charlie Hunnan, hubba hubba). The ownership group is a couple of english rich dudes, one of whom used to be a pornographer I guess? (Squad goals- you and your homies get together and buy a soccer club). What else…what else…oh! The soccer part. Their manager is David Moyes, who is Scoottish so don’t expect to understand a word he says. Current stars include: Declan Rice, Nikola Vlasic, Gianluca Scamacca (he’s new), and Alphonse Areola (a goalkeeper they got in the offseason from PSG). They’re nice guys, we’re rooting for them, but they feel a bit mid table.
Make a go of it, then
Arsenal FC
The GUNNERS used to be the top team for American fans (statistically I mean, not for any particular cultural reasons) and it’s still pretty popular (although I cannot support them ESPECIALLY because during the pandemic they treated their employees, specifically their dinosaur mascot, like trash). Their coach Mikel Arteta looks like a bond villain- and honestly might be. Last year they scraped by with some pretty good results after a disappointing return in recent year, and then they went out this summer and MADE. IT. RAIN. They acquired Gabriel Jesus & Oleksandr Zinchenko from Man City and are still looking to purchase Paketa from Olympic Lyonnais in France. This is huge for their ability to create plays and score goals- something that was a bit of a strug last year. Other names to know: Thomas Partey (problematic), Bukayo Suka (who you might remember was bullied in the Euros) and Granit Xhaka (big scorer in the Euros as well; he’s Swiss). Btw…one guess as to what city Arsenal plays in. (Hint: It’s London. We’re at 4 teams for that city right now).
Tottenham Hotspur FC
COME ON YOU SPURS! (COYS as the kids say) ( fun fact, I, Katrina, thought that all the COYS signs were like, another name for roosters in British aka their mascot which WOULD be embarassing to admist if not for the fact that that totally COULD have been the case; BRITISH IS SO SILLY) This is Adele’s team, another London squad (I told you, there’s a million, and I am not even done yet). The names you need to know for spurs are pretty basic: Harry Kane, a very very Brit dude with a receding hairline, bad teeth, and an ability to both be super famous/intimidating yet also giving the vibe of an inbred figurehead monarchy. Son Heung-Min (SONNY), a Korean SUPERSTAR and all around crowd favorite. Also- French GK Hugo Lloris, Brazilian Lucas Moura, Croatian Ivan Perisic. They recently built a huge ass stadium that they will be paying for for…a million years. And people wonder why Millennials aren’t buying houses?
Manchester United FC
Oy bruv. This place is a house on fire on a GOOD DAY. Hate to say it (I don’t actually, because I think they’re assholes) Man U is old, and the glory days of yore seem so far away right now (they’re literally called the red devils?). I don’t know where to start to describe this mess? I guess top down: They’re owned by the Glazer Family (of Tampa Bay Bucs ownership fame)(i’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Tampa is a trash city I cannot support), and the people of Manchester…hate this. After the drama with the super league, many demanded the Glazers sell the club, and all of last season they continued to protest the ownership. Obvi we don't really support any billionaires, and we’re not Man U fans so the entire situation is pretty funny to me personally, but for a gritty, working class town ( that has been beaten down by the English establishment for pretty much their entire existence, this is pretty rough. (Alternatively, as the group of Manchesterites I met in Brussles once told me, it’s the greatest city in the WORLD and should be the first stop on your European tour… yes I too have questions) Names to know (there are a lot): Anthony Martial, Marcus Rashford (does a lot of good charity stuff), Harry Macguire (v English), Cristiano Ronaldo (have you heard of him?! he’s dying to get out of here), Bruno Fernandes (Cristiano’s Robin), Christian Eriksen (KING), Aaron Wan-Bissaka, Scott McTominay (a SCOOT), Jadon Sancho, goalkeeper David de Gea. They got a new coach towards the end of last season, Erik Ten Haag (ok he’s a 10 BUT his last name is also HAAG ) who’s trying to sort through this absolute wreckage of a team, but it’s not going well (see: the cristiano ronaldo crisis). They’re hot and heavy in pusuit of Frenkie de Jong, of Barcelona, who has repeatedly been like no thanks!!!!! (Is he playing hard to get? tbd!)
THE TOP TIER
Liverpool FC
The Reds have a lot of haters out there, but in this blog we are BIG fans and we will be biased talking about them, sorry not sorry! They’re coached by Jurgen Klopp (he’s German, he looks like a mix between a Beatle and John Green, he’s a hugger, and imho he’s adorable. He’s like the Steve Kerr of footy) and have been since 2015. He led a renaissance of the club (which btw is owned by Fenway Sports Group, yes, that Fenway), in 2020 winning their first Premier League title in THIRTY YEARS. That’s a long drought fam! They also won the UCL the year before that, and last year were 1 point away from the Domestic Treble (they won the FA Cup, the League Cup, and were in a bit of a title race with City for the EPL title). That’s a pretty good record I’d say. They traded away Sadio Mane over the summer (RIP to another receeding hairline king, he’s in germany now), but locked in actual King of Egypt Mohammed Salah so they’ve still got their main attacking weapon. We love truly every single on this squad, from Goalkeeper Allison (Brazilian, his dad tragically drowned a couple years ago and shortly after that he scored a goal, yes the goalie scored a goal, and it was…amazing???), defenders Virgil Van Dijk (Dutch) & Trent Alexander Arnold (who Barcelona apparently wants? Can they CALM DOWN?!?!), to midfielders Thiago Alancantra (Spanish, he goes by Thiago), Gabby Kieta (Ghanian), James Milner (English), and capt. Jordie Henderson. All perfect humans, great footballers, and impeccable vibes.
Chelsea FC
I have few words to describe this offseason for Chelsea beyond: Oh oh OHH oh (it’s mr. steal yo girl). Not a bit- they’ve spent the last three months just eavesdropping on the transfer radar, seeing what players everyone else is into, then swooping in with a steal at the final hour. I for one am HERE for the drama! Chelsea (the Blues, yes, another blue, also a London team. Find one original trait Chelsea I dare you!) is producing the closest thing to reality TV soccer can get. If you weren’t around last season, you missed this multibillion dollar biz’s fire sale- owner Roman Abramovich (who we don’t support since he’s a Russian oligarch obvi, but one this I will give him a lil cred for is that his name is spelled exactly as it is pronounced) was sanctioned and forced to sell the club (In the words of former Prime Minister Boris Johnson: it’s tough to leave the best job in the world but, Them’s the breaks!). There were a lot of interested buyers (think: The Bachelor), and in the end it was AMERICAN billionaire Todd Boehly (part owner of the Dodgers, big hedge fund guy,booo) & friends who took home the big prize (for a price of $5.25b! most expensive team transaction in sports history btw). All this off-season spending & new ownership might seem like Chelsea is headed for a big skrrt, but they’ve kept coach Thomas Tuchel (formerly of PSG) and it’s looking more like they’re giving that German king the chance to create the team he wants. What that looks like: striker Raheem Sterling (formerly of Manchester City), Kalidou Koulababy (from Napoli), Cucurella (as discussed above) and POTENTIALLY (rumors): Frenkie de Jong (which would be hilarious after the United saga above) and maybe Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (also would be hilarious considering he just went to Barca last year, but as we learned earlier this week the Spanish side has been spending a lot of money and probably are short on cash right now). That’s a LOT of moves to make, considering the team already has a roster that includes Thiago Silva (formerly of PSG), N’golo Kante (Mais COMMENT IL S'APPELLE), Christian Pulisic (Capt. America), Timo Werner (Germany), and Mason Mount (lil baby English lad, think Oliver Twist). For American football fans: think of this as the LA Rams ALL IN Strategy. For Jeopardy fans: it’s a true daily double. They are GOING FOR IT.
Manchester City FC
Premier League Champs for the last 2 years, City is less historic than its crosstown rival but has made up for that in the last ten years by creating a straight up REIGN. They’re like the Yankees (kinda douchey, kinda hot, super rich), just with a little less of a backstory. Owned by the City Football Group (a holding company which includes teams such as NYCFC in MLS, Melbourne City, Montevideo City, Troyes FC in France, Lommel SK in Belgium, and others- basically an offshore account for the Abu Dhabi royals), City has a fook ton of cash and access to youth programs ACROSS THE WORLD. So yeah, I would HOPE they could make a dynasty out of that. Currently coached by Pep Guardiola, who is widely regarded as one of the best managers in the game right now (and maybe all time, he’s won La Liga 3x, UCL 2x, Bundesliga 3x, EPL 4x). Their squad already included a ton of big names headed into this summer, such as: Kyle Walker (England’s best defensive product since their navy), Jack Grealish (a major babe whose calf muscles could kill a man)(shoutout Ms Grealish 69), and Kevin de Bruyne (Belgium). They went out and snagged Erling Haaland (which surprised no one, since they have been talking about him for years, like, SO obvious…also his dad played for the city. Nepotism babies happen in soccer too!), who (alongside Kylian Mbappe, of our dear dear PSG) is probably the most anticipated youth player coming of age at the moment. They also got a lot of players back from loan, tbd on what’s happening with all them. In a way, they spent the off season saying “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!” but compared to everything Chelsea has done this summer, it looks a little weak to me.
IT’S HAPPENING
Ok let us know who you’re rooting for! Btw if you live in NYC, you can watch soccer at any of the following bars (useful in case you don’t have THE COCK)
Smithfield Hall, Banter in Williamsburg Legends in Midtown, North Pole Pub in Park Slope, Slattery’s in Midtown, Phebe’s in Bowery, Shillelagh Tavern in Queens
As they say in England, CHEERS MATE!
