FIFA Women’s World Cup Part 2: Groups A-D
GROUP A
Also known as the controversy-free group!
NEW ZEALAND aka The Football Ferns -
Co hosts with insane accents, the Ferns (??) aka Lady Kiwis have been to the World Cup 5 times and have never a) won a game or b) made it outside the knockout rounds (those two things….might be connected now that I think about it). But now they’re on home soil and so maybe they can turn things around! Pros: they’re already down unda so they don’t have to adjust to time difference AND they’re the top seed in the group. Cons? Uhhh well they’re currently on a 10 game losing streak during which time… they’ve scored 2 goals. Not a good look! Some people are saying they “ lack attacking potential” ( see: 2 goals in 10 games) while others are saying “they will probably do a cool haka thing” so that’s something! OK UPDATE THEY WON THEIR OPENER
Key Players : this squad is listed on the FIFA site as being made up of “lesser known players from low-profile clubs”…ok someone needs to fire their marketing dpt and get the Barbie people on this smh. Anyways, some key people include :Olivia chance (midfielder, cool name) - creates lots of CHANCES get it, good on the attack, Fun fact is over the past year she traveled the MOST miles internationally of ANY player in the world to represent her national team with 140 000 km total! Ria Perceval, (midfielder) cool name as well, most caps in NZ history, she’s also 33 so they’ll be relying on her for EXPERIENCE,Ali Riley (defender) another OLDIE at 36, she will captain the team
First game : July 20th vs Norway @ 3 am Eastern
NORWAY aka The Grasshoppers aka the Football Girls
A longtime powerhouse in the 90s and 00s, even winning the World Cup in 1995 thereby serving the US their first big international defeat, Norway then fell off a bit recently as evidenced by their Wikipedia page which includes titles like “ decline” “brief recovery” and “struggle”. Now coached by Helge Riese, basically the best Norwegian player OF ALL TIME, they are hoping to stop the slide and get back to the glory days (especially after last year’s ASS performance in Euros). They’ve revamped their defense (famously BAD at Euros 2022) and while no one is expecting dominance, they could make a go of it here.
Key players : Caroline Graham Hansen at forward, fresh off a ladies’ Champions League win with Barcelona,she’s their main scoring force. Ada hederberg, famously was NOT here last time (in protest!) but she’s also a star forward with PSG ladies
First match: July 20th vs NZ UPDATE THEY LOST
PHILIPPINES aka las Filipinas (ok someone tell them your country's demonym is not a nickname)
Baby’s first cup!! Qualifying on penalties in their match against Chinese Taipei (aka Taiwan, it’s a political thing for Fifa), the Philippines beat out Thailand and Indonesia to qualify as winners of the Asian Cup. If you’re wondering what changed and catapulted them to this sudden success, look no further than Alen Satjcic, former Aussie coach who was unceremoniously fired in 2019 (and NO one knows why!) and then SCOOPED up by these relative newcomers. Since then, they’ve been on the up n up! They’re definitely part of team #happy2bhere but without any major powers in their group, stand a chance of advancing. Look for them to maximise the counter attack
Key players : Tahnai Annis, captain and midfielder, born and raised in the US, described as an exciting player who creates goal opportunities, and Isabelle Flanigan, a budding star also from the US - she’s not a starter but she got the YOUTH speed (lots of US dual nationals on this team!)( due to imperialism!)
First match : July 21 vs Switzerland @ 1 AM Eastern
SWITZERLAND aka La Nati (that means the National, like team, not like the band)
4th place finishers in the last world cup, Swizz is here after a great UEFA qualifying, winning 8/10 of their matches. However, last year’s Euro was a big disappointment, forcing out these multilingual ladies in the group stages, hence why we brought in a new coach :Inka Grings, former German national team star and experienced coach (made history when she became the first woman coach in German pro football, ok it was 4th tier but hey we all gotta start somewhere). She’s YET to lead the 4-4-2 formation to a win but we got a few draws under our belt so? It’s something.
Key players : Ramona Bachmann of PSG at forward, 151 caps and tons of international club experience, Ana-Maria Crnogorcevic at defense, the most experienced player on the team , Geraldine Reutler at forward, representing kind of the next generation of ladies
First match : July 21 vs Philippines @ 1 AM Eastern
GROUP PREDICTIONS: No clear leader here so it’s anyone’s game. New Zealand might have a slight edge here on home turf, but I can’t say any of these teams would surprise me by advancing (or not). Personally pulling for Norway and the Philippines!
GROUP B
AUSTRALIA aka the Matildas
Hello to our second host! Sadly the women’s team gets absolutely ripped off in terms of a nickname compared to the men (socceroos> Matilda’s) but the ‘ol green and yellow has a lot to be excited about coming into this World Cup! Last time around they were in strong form but drew a tough group (Italy AND Brazil) but notably got a comeback win against the Brazilians to finish second in the group. Sadly they lost to Norway in a penalty shootout in the first elimination round, but that was all just warm up for them to go on a GREAT HOST NATION RUN! Golden Generation IN ACTION! a lot of bangers on this team, most notably team captain and international superstar Sam Kerr (see her Nike commercial). They recently beat France in a friendly (big!) and will definitely look to make a mark on this tournament. However, several big players JUSt returned from injury and they have had some defensive woes that will need to be resolved to be in this.
Key Players: Sam Kerr, Claire Polkinghorne (wild name) Ellie Carpenter
First match : July 20th vs Ireland @ 5 am Eastern UPDATE THEY WON
IRELAND aka The Girls In Green
ummm ok World Cup DÉBUT hello to “the girls in Green” (no one tell them there are 2 other teams in their group that wear green…and like …many others…but it’s fine Ireland is canonically green). Coached by Dutch legend Vera Pauw to their first ever World Cup, the Irish lassies are ready to make a splash and are hoping for an upset. Captain Katie McCabe recently spoke out about just how proud she is of this team for overcoming countless obstacles (including literally borrowing uniforms) to make it this far- brb crying! They had a stunning qualifying campaign to get here, but are a strongly defensive side that struggles when it comes to SCORING GOALS (as we know, the two key components of soccer are: 1) score goals and 2) stop the other team from scoring goals). Recent losses in friendlies to the USA and France, and then had a friendly called off against Colombia after 20 minutes last week when things got “too physical”. Not quite sure what this means (it was BCD) but I am intrigued and hoping they bring a gritty Irish spirit to the group.
Key Players: Katie McCabe
First match : July 20th vs Australia at 5 am Eastern UPDATE THEY LOST
NIGERIA aka The Super falcons
Falcons are back in action baby! Did they have a key training camp called off in the lead up to the cup? Yes! Does that leave them ill prepared??? Probably! This isn’t the easiest group to get out of and given the fitness of their team we’re not super confident, But they’ve been on a 3 game winning streak so! One thing these ladies can do? SCORE GOALS.
Key Players: Asisat Oshola,FSU student Onyi Echegini, star of the women’s league in China Desire Oparanozie, and captain Onome Ebi to make their mark on this tourney.
First match : July 20th vs Canada at 10:30 pm Eastern
CANADA aka…they have no nickname, a CRIME. We will be calling them the maple leafs!
OOOOOOOO CANADA Our reigning Olympic chaaaaamps!!! (please sing that in the whole national anthem tune). Another defensive -ased side, they’re the best in the world at shutting opponents down.Given their troubles at home (aka literally not getting paid!) and a little bit of a question mark as to where the goals exactly will be coming from, this squad will need to pull it together the way they did at the olympics to make an impact here.
Key Players: Living Legend Christine Sinclair, who is in the twilight of her career, and other veterans such as Adriana Leon give this team a strong core. Surprise call up Olivia Smith and fellow youngster Simi Awujo could be breakout stars here.
GROUP PREDICTIONS: It would be an upset to not see Olympic Champions Canada advance, and we have high expectations for the host nation. That’s a pretty chalk take though, and I personally love a debut so would love to see Ireland and Canada duke it out in a very boring 0-0 draw because for the girls in green that’ll feel like a win.
GROUP C
SPAIN aka La Roja (The Red)
When compared to the men’s team (aka one of the best to play the game), the Spanish ladies’ side is not quite there yet, appearing in their first World Cup as recently as 2015. In the last edition, they made some progress, making it out of the group stage and then falling to the US (as to be expected, I mean, come on). They come in with big dreams which might be hindered by INTERNAL DRAMA: in Fall 2022 15 players resigned due to issues with Coach Jorge Vilda (citing his behavior though they have not gone into detail about this as they do not wish to air their complaints publicly, so I can’t say for certain what the issue is). A few of those players returned but the bulk did NOT! Another issues could be doubts surrounding star Alexia Putellas who is still rehabbing a torn ACL.
Key players : the aforementioned Putellas, Jennifer Hermoso (that means pretty in Spanish!) a striker or attacking midfielder (sometimes false nine as they say) who is a top scorer and is known for her ability to read the game well, Irene Paredes (defender) who is a key component of Spain’s defense
First game: July 21 vs Costa Rica 3:30 AM Eastern
COSTA RICA aka Las Ticas (this is like a suffix meaning “little”, Costa Ricans are known for adding it to their words) aka la Sele
A strong showing in the CONCACAF conference, with wins in all 4 qualifying matches including 22 goals, Costa Rica is a dynamic team really committing to that whole Pura Vida spirit. They’re a young team with a lot of potential but not a lot of experience : this is only their second cup, and the first was in 2015 where they lost to powerhouse Brazil. Coach Amelia Valverde was with them then (in fact, she had to take over just a few months before the tourney when their head coach left unexpected) and comes back with a calm tactical approach. She’s beloved by the players (unlike some other teams it seems!)
Key player:Tbh seems like they just got the one; everything keeps talking about this team being built around midfielder Raquel Rodriguez Cedeno aka Rocky. At 29, she already has 100 caps and is the all-time top scorer for the Costa Rican side. You may know her from the Portland Thorns (GREAT unis) NWSL team!
ZAMBIA aka The Copper Queens (turns out Zambia is one of the world’s largest copper producers?) Fun fact according to FIFA: Zambia is the first landlocked African nation male or female) to qualify for a World Cup (idk why that’s important but!). This exciting new team hopes to make a name for itself at its first ever cup and show the future of African soccer. Coach Bruce Mwape is confident AF and says his team can hang with the best : he’s created a strong attack (they scored 7 times in 3 matches at the Olympics) but seems to have conveniently forgotten that you ALSO need to BLOCK goals (they conceded an average of 5 goals per match… ouch). So they’ve got balance issues that need to be worked out if they hope to make a run of it!
Key players : Barbra Banda, a star striker who is the driving force of this team (though they did qualify without her) and currently plays in China. She’s only 23 but she’s got that SPARK that really draws your eye in a game. Hazel Nali in goal made some INCREDIBLE saves vs Senegal, propulsing her team to qualifying (and we will need her to keep on that, re: not conceding goals!)
First match : July 22 vs Japan 3 AM Eastern
JAPAN aka the Nadeshiko which from what I can tell means like, ideal woman?
Famous underdogs in 2011, these ladies came back from adversity (remember that whole Fukishima disaster?) to beat the 2-time defending champ Germany, I cried, you cried, it was magical. Then they came back in 2015 guns a blazin to take on good ol US OF A but they got smashed, and they exited early (Round of 16) in the last cup as well. Japan’s youth teams are excellent and routinely top tier, and their current coach Ikeda also coaches the U-20 squad, so he knows these girls well - he just needs to harness that talent and get them to perform.
Key Players : Fuka Nagano (midfield - a key role in the Japanese strategy) who currently plays for Liverpool where she had a big impact this year, veteran Ayaka Yamashita in goal and Sakai Kumagai at defense, playing in her 4th world cup (experience we need!)
First match : July 22 vs Zambia 3 AM Eastern
GROUP PREDICTIONS : Lots of question marks here that will really depend on Spain. If they can get their ish together, they should be able to easily make it out of this group (even if they don’t, they shold be able to make it out, I would have said it’s a sure shot if not for this big injury issue). I’d lean towards Costa Rica next, but it’s not impossible that Zambia could make a run for this!
GROUP D
CHINA aka the Steel Roses
China really wants to prove their worth this year. Fighting the Eurocentric success allegations in this group, they have a long history of Making It Out of the group which is actually a huge flex! They’re the reigning Asian champions, and they are a team that really embodies the prestige of representing their nation on the global stage Coach Shui Qingzia leaves very little room for error, running a tight ship, but the players have fully bought into this strategy and trust their coach implicitly, which for reasons we have already harped upon enough in the controversies section, is not to be taken for granted. This squad is full of players who compete in the Chinese league however, which means they may not be ready to face the kind of challenges such an international football tournament could deliver.
Key Players: Wang Shuang, who plays in the NWSL for Racing Louisville, and Li Mengwen, who plays for PSG give this team an international asset.
DENMARK aka De Rød Hvid
Comeback Kids! These beautiful ladies seem to have left the footballing to their Scandinavian counterparts in recent years (see: Norway and Sweden), but they’re back for their first world cup since 2007. The key to this teams success is BALANCE: they have both veterans and young talent, threy have a strong coach but a lot of flexibility, they have wingers and a midfield that everyone should see as a threat but keep it locked down with an excellent defense as well. Making it out of the group is a minimum expectation for them, but they struggle against a high press and haven’t always been successful in creating goal opportunities.
Key Players: There are many sons and gaards to choose from, but the true centerpiece of this team is Pernille Harder. At 30, she’s an experienced forward who has recently left an incredibly successful (and silverware heavy) run with Chelsea. Also, that’s a cool name.
ENGLAND aka The Lionnesses
Ok HEAVY HITTER ALERT! You may know Jolly Old England as one of the footballing capitals of the world on the MEN’s side (they love to claim they invented it) but their Women’s Super League has been a top destination for talent (see: every other teams star players) in the last few years. Add on top of that a golden generation of talent that is coming off of a Euro 2022 title… these lionesses are aiming for the crown and baby they better not miss. The counterpoint to all that hype is that a lot of the key components of the Euro 2022 Champion squad are injured (damn folks injuries truly do b the story of the tourney!), including Fran Kirby and Beth Mead. They still have a lot of depth in the midfield (we talk about this a lot, but when you look at these teams and think about the sheer amount of football they’ll be playing combined with the amount of injuries we already have on our hands, many coaches will be looking to do some good old fashioned Load Management and thatis where having good back ups come in!) and these ladies will definitely be trying to bring football home.
Key Players: Kiera Walsh, rising star Lauren James (english ass names here) Lucy Bronze, Chloe Kelly.
Haiti aka Les Grenadieres
What is this nickname? Who knows! This is their FIRST EVER WORLD CUP so hello to another debut squad! We’re thrilled to have you and so proud of you for making it here #happy2behere. Coach Nicolas Delépine has built this team into one that relies heavily on a break out attack, looking to get the ball to their star and surprise their opponents. They definitely did so in their qualifying campaign against Chile- shocking the higher ranked team to make it to their first ever world cup!
Key Players: The team is arguably OVER reliant on Melchie Dumornay, a young upstart and the source of most of their goals.
GROUP PREDICTIONS: Spicy take but I think this is the year China’s flawless group escape tradition comes to an end! I think Denmark will eke out and England will win the group, but England- China is definitely a match to catch.
Sorry this was late y’all but this early morning /late night time difference is KILLING US
