Gas or Explosion? F1 midseason recap
First things first- this title merits an explanation. This is a family in joke -one time while driving in France, we saw a sign that looked like this :
to which our dad commented, what do we think it means, gas or explosion?!!!?? Now I’m sure you’re thinking, kind of a dumb title if you have to explain it, but I was GOING to title this post “Formula One more like FORMULA FUN” because that’s truly how I feel about this sport and turns out…. I already did that here. Shameless plug to go back and read that post if you haven’t yet!!
So anyways, now that that’s out of the way, on to the SPORTS! This is now a Formula One fan account ok! The problem is as per usual there is a lot of content and I am simply one girl trying to plan her wedding while holding down a full time job, learning 2 other languages and attending weddings and bachelorettes all over this god damn country (oh and also I had covid) so I simply do not have the bandwidth to post about F1 every week. Luckily now we find ourselves in the mid-season August break (it is a European sport after all!) so I can recap for you all in time for you to start watching again end of August.
What happened last season? well have you guys seen Monsters Inc?? Yeah, it was basically a scare contest between Sully (Lewis Hamilton) and Randall (Max Verstappen) that came down to the last race in Abu Dhabi except then instead of the slug lady (FIA) staying out of it she was like WAZOWSKI YA PAPERWORK and changed the rules at the last second that allowed Max to win. Is that metaphor a stretch? no, it’s literally what happened!!
The Glossary
Before we breakdown the teams, quick vocab lesson (now that I have watched an additional season of Drive to Survive AND the current F1 season, I kinda vaguely have a better idea of what is going on)
Pole position: this is the name for the driver who is in first after the qualifying round. Feel free to insert your own dirty joke here, I always do!
The grid : this is the name for how the cars all line up on the day of. There are 10 teams, each with 2 drivers, so 20 cars, and they line up in this sorta grid formation before the race starts. The grid is determined by the qualifying round on Saturday, wherein there are 3 rounds and each time we eliminate the slowest cars. So Qualifying 1 aka Q1 lasts 18 minutes during which you try to get the fastest lap possible; slowest 5 cars are dropped, next is Q2 for 12 min same deal etc. Something you DO NOT WANT TO DO is f up your car or use too many tyres in qualifying!!
Tyres : now this is confusing but actually this word means “tires” in British! Tires are a big deal in F1 because there are a few types (soft, compound, medium, hard, wets) and when you use which type is a whole part of strategy that depends on track temp, weather, track layout etc etc. Do I fully understand it, no, but as we’ll see, neither do some of the teams!
The Great Equalizer: this is what the commentators call RAIN which is notoriously tricky to drive in (unless you’re Max Verstappen, who, similar to Bane and true to his villian nature, was born in the rain)
The Teams
doing this in reverse order of where they are in the Constructor’s Championship rankings (for more info on what that is, again, see previous post!)
10. Williams
Williams was a historically significant team that did really well back in the day. Sadly, “the day” is not TOday, where Williams has been bad for as long as I can remember (read: 4 seasons of Drive 2 Survive). Last season, the team principal (a LADY, the founder’s and former champion’s daughter) tearfully stepped away to “do what is best for the team”. Tbh not sure SHE was the problem guys because nothing has really gone right now either. Their two drivers are Alex Albion, our Thai British prince who once got fired from Red Bull and just re-signed with Williams, and Nicolas Latifi, our favorite québecois! They drive fine but this car is POOP so just expect to see them at the back getting lapped.
9. Aston Martin
Aka the James Bond Car! Despite this technically being a British sport, this car it not so good this season fam. Driven by : longtime F1 vet and former champ Sebastian Vettel (German), who recently announced his retirement after this season to spend more time with his 3 kids and because he wants to focus more on his environmental passion projects (one must admit this sport not good for environment!!) and Lance Stroll, a driver I’m convinced is only in this because his dad is conveniently a Canadian BILLIONAIRE or something. I am also obligated to add, what is going on with Sebastian Vettel’s hair right now.
I rest my case
8. Alpha Tauri
If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll remember that Alpha Tauri is like the JV Red Bull team-it’s where they have their second-string drivers go. Consequently, no one really cares how they do collectively in the table. Featuring : our favorite fightin’ Frenchman Pierre Gasly (aka the GASMAN) and Yuki Tsonoda, a small Japanese man who learned English in the racing paddocks and thus swears like a f***ing sailor (and hates to work out!). So far this season, Yuki has crashed the car…a not insignificant amount of times (usually accompanied by radio communications that are unprintable here)
7. HAAS
Haas is the only American-owned team on the table (and let’s keep it that way, I hate America) and while I cannot support them for this reason alone, I CAN support their principal GUNTER Steiner a German-accented Italian man (he’s from Tyrol , an Italian region where they speak German) who loves to climb the frickin ALPS in his spare time and liberally throws around the word “wanker”. This man says things like DA PROOF IS IS DA PUDDING, I have no choice but to stan. You may be thinking, 7th place not great, and you’re not wrong, but considering they did not score one single point and finished LAST in 2021, this is progress! Driving for Haas well, there WAS this dude named Nikita who you will have seen on Drive to Survive season 4, but if you’re thinking “ Nikita hmm sounds kinda russian” you would be right so…yeah this oligarch donnae drive here anymore and consequently they ALSO lost their big oil sponsor . Instead, we have the (surprise) return of team veteran Kevin Magnussen (Denmark) as well as Mick Schumacher, a name you should know because his dad is UBER famous (literally uber because he german)and like, the best driver ever. SADLY he suffered a TBI in a skiing accident and has a lot of issues now (and this is why I don’t ski!!) so Mick is here living out his legacy
6. Alfa Romeo
Things I like about this team: their graphic design and driver Valteri Bottas (formerly Mercedes), a Finnish man who spouts sayings like “in Finland we say, the dog watches the train go by and he does not care” (??) and bathes in the nude. Other than that, I got nothing, this team is decent but nothing special. The most eventful thing that happened so far this season was driver Zhou Guyanu ‘s(China, last name first) HORRIFIC CRASH (seriously, watch this video) which looks so bad we all thought he died- they didn’t show the replay for like 20 minutes which is a bad sign (they always confirm that the driver is ok first, which is a great policy, see Christen Eriksen incident in Euro….) but turns out not only was he not seriously injured… he had literally NOT ONE SCRATCH ON HIM. He returned from the hospital before the race was even over and he was totally fine!!! This is thanks to the implementation of “the halo”that lil ring boy you see on the cars that’s been a thing since like 2014. Of course at the time a bunch of bros were all, OMG THIS WILL RUIN THE SPORT but now they’re eating their words because Zhou would have 100% died without it (would have had a different sort of halo if you see what I mean)
5. McLaren
A luxury car I had literally never heard of before F1, Mclaren is a solid middle of the table team. I respect their commitment to the orange; it’s not always flattering but it is unique! Lots of people hate team principle Zak Brown, because he’s American and people think he trash, however I personally respect him for having the time to run an F1 team AND make iconic summer songs such as “Chicken Fried” Drivers : Lando Norris, who annoys me for some reason I can’t put my finger on, but could be that his name is too Star Wars for my taste, and Danny Riccardo, the only Australian you’ll see me support. This car this season is medium, but Lance has been doing ok whereas Daniel… my mans what is going on. When called out for driving like… poop.. Danny replied “my skin is beautiful… and thick” and for that, I’m proud of him but also I hope he turns it around because this is starting to look concerning!
4. Alpine
Alpine and Mclaren are locked in a duel to the death for 4th and 5th place, so if you’re interested in middle-table drama, these two teams are the ones for you. Alpine was formerly called Renault (yes the French car). Lots of other teams used to use Renault engines, now not so much. Their drivers are our OTHER favorite Frenchman Esteban Ocon and Fernando Alonso, a Spaniard who is maybe the longest running F1 driver ever, I’m not sure but sounds about right. You’ll routinely see pics of current young drivers meeting Alonso when they were like, 10, when he was already in F1, now he STILL IN F1. During this break there is a LOT of drama with Alpine because! Fernando Alonso just announced a SHOCKING move to Aston Martin; Alpine responds by saying that rookie Oscar Piastri (another aussie and member of their academy, which is like their training school) will be driving for them, Piastri releases a statement being like YOOO pause bruh i am NOT and now everyone is like WHAT drama!!! The rumor is that Piastri really wants to drive for McLaren but there is no spot open there (with 10 teams and 20 drivers, spots are competitive! to get and keep) BUT maybe Danny wants to leave because of aforementioned poop driving?? In which case Piastri could go there and Danny could go to Alpine?? IDK! This all happening LIVE ( f it let’s do it live) so stay tuned for updates
3. Mercedes
My short KING Lewis Hamilton, I cannot say enough about how much I love this man, please go follow him on insta where he routinely shares inspirational statements like “ Believe in yourself as much as I believe in you!! let’s go get it team!!” and posts photos of his adorable bulldog Roscoe. Their other driver is George Russel, another Brit who calls his gf “the missus” and also looks like he could be the sad tragic hero of a WWII movie (think Dunkirk, Saving Private Ryan, etc). And of course, their team principle Toto Wolff is, as I mentioned last year, a genius of strategy, a polyglot and weirdly, yes, attractive (honorable mention to his wife Susie for her strategic input as a former Formula driver and a Formula E [electric] principle; power couple!) Sadly this year Mercedes not in real contention for the Driver’s Championship (initially I would have said they were totally out of Constructors too but now 2nd place is looking… possible) mainly because the FIA changes the regulations a little every year to make it so teams have to innovate or something (idk), and whatever Mercedes did to their car was NOT good and it is NOT as fast as Ferrari or Red Bull esp in the straights so Lewis and George are very far behind Max. For the first couple races, Mercedes was not doing well because their car was just not good, and kept doing this thing called porpoising where it bounced around (boucing around bouncin!) and Lewis looked like he was DYING of back pain. Now they fixed it and in recent races, Lewis and George have gone 2-3 and are slooooowly coming back up the table. Lewis also just passed the legendary threshold of 300 races driven, and notoriously there is a curse where no driver who has hit 300 races has won after… but if anyone can break that curse, it’s my man Ham!
2. Ferrari
Charles blink twice if you need help
where to start. mama magalione, this team is hotter mess right now than eggplant parm when you try to scoop it on to your plate (yes, despite being in second place- i’ll explain) After years of solidly showing up in 3rd ish place behind Mercedes and Red Bull, the Scuderia (this means stable in Italian; some times the commentators will abbreviate it “scudey” and then I yell SCOOTY SCOOTY it’s a fun bit) was finally thinking THIS IS OUR YEAR BABY!! our car? SPEEDY? our drivers? INSANELY HOT (now as we know hotness and skill do not always correlate, otherwise Max Verstappen would be 20th instead of 1st as he is currently but certainly 2 smokin hot drivers is a plus and they do happen to be both young and talented) Our plan???? WIN EVERYTHING AT ALL COSTS. And for a while we thought hey! This is going to work! For a few races, when Ferrari’s cars weren’t going up in flames (literally), their drivers were finishing on the podium and stuff seemed okay but as we have gone on we have seen disaster after disaster (beyond the aforementioned explosions). The thing is, when you’ve got a top car and top drivers, and you start off at 1st… anything less than winning is just not acceptable. Ferrari is routinely finishing Saturday qualifying in pole position and goes on to… there’s really no other way to say it other than, COMPLETELY BOOF IT the next day. When it’s not a confusing pacing “strategy”where they can’t seem to decide who should be team lead - hot Monagasque Charles Leclerc or hot Spaniard Carlos Sainz- (this happened in too many races to count)(are they simply getting confused by how hot these men are?)it’s telling drivers to pit while they are IN THE PROCESS OF PASSING ANOTHER DRIVER(France)( Race engineer: Carlos, BOX BOX BOX, Carlos : NOT NOW!!!), or 5+ second pit stops (several races) or even worse, randomly deciding to switch to hard tires when other teams already showed those tires were trash on the track (Hungary). Even the commentators are like “ uHHHHH interesting decision from Ferrari there…..” Last week, when asked about the tire switch, Leclerc had no explanation and was just like “ yeah idk i have to talk to the team idk why we did that“. It’s gotten to the point where Mercedes is almost catching up to Ferrari despite the fact that their car is slower and wasn’t functioning well for the first half of the races. Charles and Carlos are SO FRUSTRATED and meanwhile Ferrari principle Matteo Binotto (a man who, despite speaking perfect English, often refuses to speak anything but Italian in most interviews which honestly I kinda respect as a power move) is just like “ car no go quick today, nothing we could do better luck next time” I think nothing can sum it up better than one tweet : Get yourself someone who supports you like Ferrari supports Max Verstappen.
Trust no one… not even yourself
1.Red Bull
Much to my UTTER disgust, Red Bull is ONCE AGAIN leading and tbh there is no way anyone can catch them at this point. While I may detest him, the Machiavellian strategies of principle Christian Horner (which can mostly be defined as, let Max be Max and contest any small race incident with FIA officials like a lil bitch) are paying off, and more importantly their car is SPEEDY AF. It’s incredibly annoying. While I root FOR Lewis, I would say my main objective as an F1 fan is rooting AGAINST Red Bull. Their driver Sergio Perez (aka Checo, it’s a nickname about being Mexican, which he is) used to not bother me AS much, ie I only medium hated him, but then I heard he cheated on his HOT WIFE which is just a major no for me. He started off stronger and has been not so good the last few races, but I’m sure Christian will yell a bit and he’ll soon be back defending for Max. Speaking of, I think I’ve made my feelings clear about Max Verstappen (the Netherlands). More like Max ver STOP HIM get him OFF MY SCREEN. I recently came to the realization that Max Verstappen looks like Victor Krum when he’s transforming into a shark in Goblet of Fire (now that I said it, I’m sure you can’t unsee it); unfortunately, unlike Victor Krum (who as you may recall failed that challenge) Max has been on the podium 10 times so far, 8 of those times as the winner.
Now the drivers have a much needed 4 week break (yes, needed! They are athletes! you have no idea the g forces they are under in those cars or the HEAT- last race Lewis’s water bottle malfunctioned so he lost 3 kilo aka 6 lbs SWEATING), you can check out some race highlights and catch up for when we return to racing end of August. Will Ferrari remember that the point is win races? Will Danny Riccardo leave McLaren? Will another car explode?? all this and more still to come!
