Mo Salah Stan Account
Hello and welcome back to another edition of our critically acclaimed European Soccer Round up. Who are these critics you ask? Well, mostly our mom and boyfriends/fiancés, when they read the blog, which is apparently not often anymore! Feels like they’ve really fallen off tbh! Anyway, speaking of falling off, let’s get to the sports:
In the Champions League…
Saddened to announce that neither Katrina nor I got to watch PSG’s game (it wasn’t on FUBO and she was working), but thrilled to announce they won anyway and now they’re TOP OF THE GROUP BABY! Are there a lot of other issues going on over there? Yes, but we’ll cover that below, here, we BASK IN MBAPPES GLORY!!!! The Sheriff reign of terror over more famous clubs came to an end when they lost to Inter Milan this week (this is good because, reminder, they’re KGB spies). Man City stomped on Bruges (sry bbs) and even Barcelona managed to find a goal somewhere to win over Kyiv. Real Madrid beat Shakhtar (a team I have convinced myself is turkish, but no, it’s ukranian), Porto beat AC Milan (yikes), Bayern beat Benifica (who??), Chelsea beat our fave swedes (Malmo), Juve beat Zenit, and Ajax beat Dortmund (again, yikes). Phew. That was a doozy, and that was only matchday 3/6, so a lot of games still await us. The games I actually DID watch included Liverpool’s DRAMATIC win over Atletico, which came in hot with 2 goals in the first ten minutes, then was tied up until a penalty in the second half which our Prince of Egypt Mohammed Salah converted. All that despite being clad in an absolutely horrific shade of yellow! God gives his worst kits to his strongest warriors I guess. The other game was Manchester’s 3-2 win over Atalanta, which also came in hot with some early goals and saw Atalanta leading for most of the game. Boy oh boy was it fun to watch Ole get excited about missed chances, because for someone who’s job is supposedly on the line, he really knows how to keep it breezy. Classic ol british arse Harry Macguire scored in the 75th minute and then, who else, Cristiano Ronaldo scored the game winner. So many headlines about Ronaldo and Messi scoring, fam it is their JOB.
Squid game, probably, idk I haven’t watched it.
In The Premier League…
Oy. There’s quite a bit that’s happened since we last checked in here, so brace yourselves. Liverpool is playing in freaking incredible form (Firmino is scoring goals again baby!!!! It’s the neck tat power!) and treated their Watford game as a training exercise, beating them 5-0. The top of the table is crowded still though, Chelsea on top after coasting over Southampton two weeks ago and fighting out a win against the Story of the Season Brentford bees. God. I love brentford and I will not hear ANY HATE AGAINST THEM. Anyways, back to the cool kids: Man City is also doing pretty well, but they’ve had some draws recently that show a little weakness. Tottenham is hanging on in the top 5 (behind Brighton, which is like, ok girl go OFF), and Man United isn’t far behind them (Hopefully tottenham is not going to channel the spirit of the American football teams that played in their stadiums last week). That’s right CRISTIANO RONALDOS MANCHESTER UNITED is down in 6th place. So things are a bit dicey over there at the moment! There’s all this drama because people are like “we should fire ole” and then the staff is like “we support ole” and then ole is like “yoo hoo!big summer blow out!!!!” (Norwegian joke!). Hmm…what else is going on…oh! Right! Remember last year when we told you the Saudis were trying to buy Newcastle United to put a little glittery distraction on their long list of human rights abuses & murder of a journalist? And then it didn’t work out? Well! It worked out after all!!! Cut to a bunch of british people trying to explain that you “can’t just stop supporting your hometown club!” and “this is actually good for the club because now it can invest in itself” etc etc. Cut also to a bunch of protestors driving a billboard with Jamal Kashoggi’s face on it around the stadium!
In Ligue 1…
Someone explain what is going on with PSG because Poch and I have no idea. The theme of my podcast this week was “ What is PSG’s game right now?” and the general consensus was, du n’importe quoi (no game). On second thought, this isn’t so surprising given that our Qatari overlords literally only want to win the Champion’s League and could care less about Ligue 1 mais bon! It seems like their strategy was just to buy strikers and turns out that is NOT how you build a team! So yes, PSG is at the top of the table but are playing like absolute garbage and in fact, seem to be getting worse! Second on the table is Lens (????) and then our classic nemesis OM a full 10 points behind Paris. This weekend LA CLASSIQUE/EL CLASSICO A LA FRANCAISE will be played in Marseille (sans Parisiens because fans have been out of control this season and this match is usually touchy as is. This is why you can’t have nice things, Marseille). Off the pitch there is drama because Mauro Icardi cheated on his wife (who btw was his mistress so like she should have seen this one coming) and now is trying to win her back in true romantic gestures:
In La Liga…
Not a ton to say here, Atletico should be playing better than they have been and Real is still looking hot. This Sunday is el classico, which pundits from around the world are bending over backwards to convince you that it will be spicy and exciting despite the fact that these teams aren’t that competitive anymore!!!!
In Serie A…
Roma had a big matchup against Juventus and it was all anyone was talking about! Juve was able to prove they still got the right stuff, but this wasn’t a total loss for Roma because they reaaally hung in there. That’s all I got sorry!!!!
In the Bundesliga…
There’s a title race baby! Well not really. There is right now of course but obviously we know Bayern doesn’t really lose games and both Dortmund and Red Bull have made some stupid mistakes that have resulted in draws that reeeallly shoulda been wins. So I guess we’ll see how that turns out!
