NFL Week 7: Dune Our Best
Spent three hours of my Thursday night watching a story with little to no plot, where everything exciting happened in the last quarter, and the whole enterprise was just a massive display capitalistic endeavors. I didn’t understand half of what was going on, I was distracted by the occasional hottie, and couldn’t help but think this all could have been streamlines. That’s right folks, I skipped TNF to watch Dune!!!!
Anyway that was just a joke I totally understood the whole movie was about *checks notes* pumpkin spice, and I also think that football is *flips through papers frantically* interesting. Especially when the scores are super lopsided and every game is a runaway! Then it’s definitely fun to watch and report on.
Games We Didn’t Watch
Browns 17 Broncos 14: Cleveland pulled a win out of nowhere despite Baker being out with a shoulder injury.
Packers 24 Washington 10: Aaron Rodgers continues to win his breakup with Olivia Munn.
Titans 27 Chiefs 3: Ok NO ONE PANIC the chiefs are in a slump, because their defense (esp. in the red zone) is le trash, but the good news is the season is still young and Patrick My homie is ok despite going through CONCUSSION PROTOCOL. Also, Derrick Henry is the Sand Worm we worship in this content desert.
Falcons 30 Dolphins 28: Younghoe Koo sealed the Falcons win with a FG in the last seconds of the game. It’s a trend!
Patriots 54 Jets 13: Jets Yung QB Zach Wilson is injured, so they brought back JOE FLACCO what year is it!
Bengals 41 Ravens 17: Because GOD FORBID anyone in the AFC plays consistently!!!! The Bengals keeping their division spicy and ruining a Raven hot streak. Special shout out to Joe Burrow & Ja’Marr Chase, the dream team!
Raiders 33 Eagles 22: Raiders are doing juuuust fine without Gruden, thank you very much.
Rams 28 Lions 19: Much was made about the fact that both QBs were facing their former team. This should have been a blow out but the Lions held on a fought hard and yes, they still lost sorry babes!
Cardinals 31 Texans 5: Texans are in free fall and have nowhere to send Disaster Artist Deshaun Watson but they DID score a safety and you know we love that! Zach Ertz (Julie’s hubby) made his Cardinals debut with a TD.
Games We Did Watch
Giants 25 Panthers 3
SPEAKING OF SCORING SAFETIES! The Giants did early on which, to be real, is the reason I kept watching this game. Turns out it somehow got LESS interesting as it went on (zero safeties scored after the first quarter…a damn shame), but Daniel Jones did find time to remind us he’s actually a very athletic dude. He did some little runs, he did some little throws, and guess what he even did a little catch. Adorable! Big win for the Giants at home, but they face off against a once scorned twice shy Chiefs team next week who will be looking for a statement win to boost morale. As for the Panthers…they miss Christian McCaffrey I’d say. They just couldn’t get anything going on offense tbh.
Buccaneers 38 Bears 3
Is there no mercy rule in football? The Bucs stomped all over baby Justin Fields’ dreams, outmaneuvering a very skilled Bears defense. The defense lead the league in sacks coming into this week and then…got 0 on the TB12 method. Speaking of Tom Brady, he had a quiet afternoon, scoring his 600th Career Touchdown (the first ever to do so) with a pass to Mike Evans. Then Mike gave the ball away to some rando in the stands (which, btw, you shouldn’t do anyway because players have to pay for the stuff they give away and I’m pretty sure they get fined). How interesting was this game? Well, the main talking point continued to be the ball that was given away, the negotiations to get it back (apparently the fan settled for another game ball & a signed jersey which is A VERY BAD DEAL. Like…that ball is worth at least a kiss from Gisele), etc etc. It is literally all they talked about.
Colts 30 49ers 18
Ok the jig is up California stop complaining about your “droughts” I witnessed in real time a LOT of rain falling on you!!!!!! What is this, the last scene of a Cinderella Story starring Hilary Duff (Jimmy Garropolo) and Chad Michael Murray (Carson Wentz)???? Waiting for the Colts to get their offense together HAS felt like waiting for rain in this drought tbh! The 49ers should be concerned by their record at this point because despite have a coach with an excellent offensive mind and supposedly having superbowl aspirations this season (which is kind of unfair to say because like, shouldn’t everyone except the Jets & the Lions have superbowl aspirations), things have gone awry.
Saints 13 Seahawks 10
Was this game stressful? Yes! Was it interesting? No!!!! To put their first points on the board, the Saints ran a 19 play, 10+ minute drive….and all they got was a FIELD GOAL. Is this DUNE!!!!! Ok let me start over. A desolate, dry planet with vast deserts (The Saints Offense when Taysom Hill isn’t there to bamboozle). Hidden away within the rocks of these deserts are a people known as the Fremen (The Saints Defense, who carried this win), who have long held a prophecy that a man would come (insert Michael Thomas when he’s not injured), a messiah, who would lead them to true freedom (the playoffs). The planet is Arrakis, also known as Dune (I don’t have a parallel for that one, they were in Seattle and it was rainy). As for the Seahawks, they’re depending on Geno to save their season and it’s not that he’s not talented, he just hasn’t really played as a starter in 4 years and that affects a dude! Also, the Saints defense did shut down the passing game and kept DK Metcalf quiet for most of the night. Nothing was excellent but things could be worse!
So all in all, another confusing event that somehow still gets high ratings, are we talking about Dune or the football, I’m no longer sure !
