NFL Week 17: When You’re a Jet You’re a Jet All the Way
Guess what everyone we have ALMOST MADE IT TO THE END OF THE LONGEST NFL SEASON OF ALL TIME WE DID IT!!!!!! Well, as of next week we will have done it. This week, much like Chrishell Stause’s last few years, consisted of some very high highs and very low lows- The Saints won, the Jets nearly pulled off a huge upset (no spoilers but….when you’re a jet, you stay a jet), and controversy-prone Antonio Brown stole the show in… a very unique way. Drama unfolded!
Games We Didn’t Watch
Bears 29 Giants 3- Robert Quinn broke the Bears franchise record for sacks in a season with his 18th, and the Bears put up a performance to be proud of. What is happening with the giants you ask? Well! Their coaching staff is a mess and they ended the day with NEGATIVE RECEIVING YARDS. We all had better yardage than them! Are we NFL players now?
Patriots 50 Jaguars 10- The Cowboys last week apparently started a trend in which offenses just ROLL ALL OVER weak opponents. Ugly to watch!
Rams 20 Ravens 19- Lamar Jackson still out with an ankle injury, the Ravens struggled and the Rams decided to rub it in. Matthew Stafford didn’t help his team out by starting the game with a pick six (he’s thrown like 4 in the past 3 weeks, a fact that I, Katrina, noticed ALL ON MY OWN!), but recovered in the second half (meanwhile, his defense was infighting and pushing each other around on the sidelines)
Titans 34 Dolphins 3- The Titans are looking pretty good right now, sitting on top of the AFC rankings (which would give them a first week bye in the playoffs, but also apparently a lot of teams are still potentially IN THE HUNT so idk).
Chargers 34 Broncos 13- Still really couldn’t tell you much about what happened here, nor do I care! Sorry!
Bills 29 Falcons 15- BILLS MAFIA BABY! Still in the hunt for the AFC….east? North? (Idk one of those) title, but they are set for the playoffs.
Bengals 34 Chiefs 31- A controversial end to the game with this one- Cincy (or, as Terry Bradshaw kept calling them the beeeangulls) had 7 plays at 4th & goal, thanks to some false starts and some penalties and a whole lot of hootin & hollerin. In the end, they went field goal instead of TD, and luckily it worked out.
Raiders 23 Colts 20- I am confused about both these teams. Should I be this confused about who is good at this point in the season? Probably not! Right now the Raiders are kinda on a hot streak, but I don’t see a huge future for them. Bad vibes, as we’ve said before.
Eagles 20 Washington 16- The Eagles winning is BAD FOR ME still, but at least Washington put up more of a fight than they did last week.
49ers 23 Texans 7- In a stunning turn of events I have discovered that the 49ers winning is ALSO BAD FOR ME (aka bad for the Saints) but good job to them this week I guess (I need them & the eagles to lose next week).
Seahawks 51 Lions 29- So many points were scored in this game (80! eight zero! EIGHTY!!!) it leads me to wonder if either team played a defense at all.
Packers 37 Vikings 10- Didn’t watch this because I refuse to support the Packers no matter how hot their coach is and also because they already clinched their division AND a first week bye in the playoffs so! Useless!
The Games We Did Watch
Buccaneers 28 Jets 24- Damn y’all what a ROLLERCOASTER this game was. We turned on the TV and the Jets we WINNING 14-7! Now granted that is only up by one touchdown but that is already impressive for these boys! And then they continued to thwart Tom Brady’s sneaky advances and they were winning going into the half and so we decided to take a SMALL petite VERY LITTLE nap ( I bet you can see where this is going) and DURING SAID NAP Antonio Brown had what I can only assume is some kinda meltdown and STRIPPED HALFWAY (i ain’t complaining) and then RAN OFF THE FIELD through the endzone throwing up a deuce the whole way out. It was at this point that I , Katrina, woke up and was like….what is happening here? Is that man shirtless? Is it fan? Where AM I???? If you’ve forgotten who AB is, he’s a troubled lad who many teams have tried to set straight (including the Patriots two years ago, at Tom Brady’s request). He landed on the Bucs last year (after a lot of other off season drama, including some domestic violence! we don’t stan this guy!), again at the request of Tom Brady who even let him stay in his home until he was settled in (are they like, in LOVE? If so I totally support no judgement just tryna DTR). And things were mostly okay for awhile! He was another weapon in the belt of the Bucs offense, and then he got suspended because he MADE A FAKE VAX CARD and Sunday when he returned to the roster after said suspension he apparently refused to go into the game and then stormed out!! And it was ALL PEOPLE COULD TALK ABOUT!!!!! Then he went to the Nets game and sat courtside because he couldn’t fly home after being released from the team! Idk fam some crazy stuff happened (for once, Tony Romo’s superlative rhetoric is actually appropriate), but I guess we are wishing the best for him because he is clearly going through it. Oh also, at the end of the game the Jets were up by 4, at the goal line, and went for it on 4th down (a mistake in my opinion), didn’t get it, Brady got the ball back and scored and the bucs won. As Riff wisely said, you’re a Jet from your first cigarette to ya last dyin day, so I’m not sure why we expected anything different.
Cardinals 25 Cowboys 22
Truly after the above drama I was like, nothing is going to top this today!!!! And I was correct, although this game apparently got spicy in the end (after we stopped watching) (obviously). Cowboys have already clinched their division but Arizona is battling it out versus the Rams. From Katrina: It’s confusing because at the beginning of the season the Cardinals were undefeated, and it’s like, what happened?!?!!?! Incredibly incisive critique sister!! Truly the Cardinals are missing DeAndre Hopkins (torn MCL) and JJ Watt (idk shoulder maybe?) but that’s NO EXCUSE because injuries happen deal with it! Anyways the Cowboys were slow to start and had quite a few penalties in the first half, made a bit of a comeback, didn’t win.
Steelers 26 Browns 14
This win means the Steelers are still “in the hunt” and at this point I’m starting to think almost everyone is (but probably not the Jets). I (Katrina) only watched like 10 minutes of this because it became clear that the commentators were going to be like, “Is Big Ben retiring? Is this his last home game? Will the Steelers make the playoffs?” the whole time; I was off Monday and frankly that is just NOT how I want to spend my last few days of vacation. Baker Mayfield got sacked NINE TIMES (I’m sorry, just read that stat and did a double take) but still managed to create some drama later in the game with a one -yard touchdown pass (I could probably throw a football one yard. In fact, I’d bet on it). TJ Watt ALSO had 4 sacks so seems like the defense really took the day on this one.
What’s next?
If only I had a GD clue guys. Elena and I really do be out here trying to understand this whole playoff thing and every time we think we get it, we realize that …no. So we are going to work on that and get you some more info as the season (finally!!!) wraps up next week after 18 weeks.(If this NFL season were a fetus, it’d be the size of an artichoke by now) Again, I’d like to think we are both moderately intelligent, so that fact that literally 4.5 months after the start of this season we are still confused really does say something about how convoluted this is. Anyways, until then, to quote AB’s exit, Deuces !
