PLAYOFF PRIMER: How to Succeed in the NFL Without Really Trying
Two musical themed titles in a row? That’s right folks we are GRASPING AT RELEVANT TERMS here because, turns out this football playoff thing is pretty complicated! Every once in awhile when we are watching or talking about football Katrina will turn to me and say how does [insert dumb football thing here] work and I will be like oh it works like this…probably. So take this playoff explainer with a grain of salt everyone! We’re just trying to give you a general idea!
Who’s DEFINITELY OUT
In case you forgot there are 2 conferences in football and sometimes they play each other but when it comes to the playoffs it stays separate. So in the NFC, we had a lot of definitely bad teams and definitely good teams and that is not to say that everyone didn’t get an upset, but we didn’t have like 14 weeks of being like “are the packers good?”, we KNOW they’re good and we BEEN known. Who’s not good? The Detroit Lions. The Giants. The Panthers. The Seahawks (who had their fair share of troubles to be fair). The Bears (who are still GROWING okay!). The Washington Football Team (who made a last ditch effort to make it but unfortunately the Eagles have decided to be good again so, idk, whatever). The Falcons. Aaaand the Vikings.
From the AFC, we have more teams still in contention, because, remember, we would be like: THE BENGALS ARE UNSTOPPABLE!!!!!!! And then they would lose to, idk, the JETS. It’s been a LOT of ups and downs in the AFC this season, but for the following teams, it’s been mostly downs (just not first downs, probably*): The Jaguars, The Texans, The Jets, The Broncos, The Browns.
*that was a football joke did you guys get it????
Who’s DEFINITELY IN
Y’all are probably like, Elena we need to be preparing for the playoffs and talking about the GOOD TEAMS let’s shut up about the losers! You’re not wrong homies! However as we often say, there are FAR too many teams in this dang sport, and unfortunately a LOT of them make the playoffs. Too many imho!!!! And they keep expanding it!!!! Here’s how it goes down: the top 7 teams from each conference make the playoffs. Since each conference is divided into 4 divisions (north, south, east, west), that 7 breaks down to the 4 division winners and then the next 3 best records. For many teams, that means they’re already all set, definitely going in, they just might not know exactly where they stand. The exception to that is the Packers, who have locked up their spot as the top seed in the NFC (with a very solid record for the season AND a win in their division)- as the top seed they KNOW they’re going to have 1) home field advantage throughout the playoffs and 2) a first round bye (vacation week!!!). But then this gets a little confusing, because it’s not like they just play people in their division right? They play a bunch of people. Take a look at the Bucs- they won their division (the NFC South), pretty easily, and they’re currently qualified, ranked 3rd behind the Rams. The Rams and the Cardinals (NFC West) have both qualified for the playoffs, but don’t know which of them are going to win the division. If the Rams win their division, they’re the #2 seed in the NFC, making the Bucs #3 (because even if they have the same record, the Rams BEAT the Bucs, giving them the head-to-head edge). But if the CARDINALS win the division, the Bucs are the #2, because they have the better record. Why does this matter? Tbh, not sure! I believe it has to do with home field advantage, but tbd. Anyways all those teams have definitely qualified, as have the Cowboys and the Eagles.
Over in the AFC, again, things are a BIT tighter. (if you can believe, after that convoluted path we just went on to talk about seeding in the NFC) We know that the Titans, the Chiefs, and the Bengals are all going to the playoffs (and they won their divisions already) . The Bills & the Patriots are both qualified but their fighting it out for their divisional title (if they both win, Bills edge out the patriots, despite their head-to-head win percentage being even, because Buffalo has won more divisional games). As for the other three AFC teams to qualify, well…
Who Actually Cares About Week 18?
Not US that’s for sure!!!! Hahaha just kidding we do care, even though it’s dumb because in the NFC two teams are fighting to make it into the playoffs and, you guessed it, ONE OF THEM IS OUR VERY OWN NEW ORLEANS SAINTS! We’re going to get to the mess that is the AFC in a moment, one step at a time here. In the NFC, if you were counting up above, 6 teams have qualified (damn you eagles), leaving ONLY ONE SPOT for either the 49ers or the Saints to make it in, which means if you watch any games this weekend, you will hear some variation of the following phrase at some point: the (insert team here) will qualify with a win AND a (insert another team here) loss. Aka the 49ers have to beat the Rams and bank on the Saints losing to the Falcons to make it, and the Saints are rooting for the opposite to happen. If they both win? The 49ers make it in (they’ll have a better record). And if they both lose? Uh….the 49ers make it in (they’ll have a better record). We are riding high on a prayer over here but I guess that’s why the mascot is a Saint!
Ok on to the AFC, where wayyyyy more games have CONSEQUENCES, namely the matchup between the Raiders & the Chargers. For once, this is a WIN OR GO HOME situation for both these teams. Unless a bunch of crazy stuff happens earlier on in the day- then they could tie and both go to the playoffs, but there’s like a .0001% chance of that happening, and I’m only talking about it because I am SURE someone will mention it during the Sunday Night Football broadcast. Unlike in the NFC, there’s more than one spot up for grabs here: The Colts, the Ravens and the Steelers are all still in the race for the 2 other spots. If I was a betting man, I would tell you the Ravens and the Colts are locks and to always bet on black, but I am not a betting man, or a man at all, I just don’t want to have to watch the Steelers anymore and I am hoping to god they are eliminated. The Colts need to beat the Jaguars, who are BAD, but stranger things have happened and the Indy QB Carson Wentz (Pete Wentz’s cousin, bringing this joke BACK), is wildly unreliable, so it’s still a little bit up in the air. The Ravens have had the worst dang luck in all of football (maybe all those years of keeping wife beaters on their team and building their brand around a Baltimore legend who happened to be a pedophile and necrophiliac have cursed them, unclear), they’ve struggled to scrape a team together in a season plagued with injuries, but they just have to beat the Steelers to survive this Sunday, so let’s just hope they pull through.
Playoff Structure
Ok so after this week, it’s all over. We did it. We will have made it to the playoffs. Yes, us, we qualified, probably. I mean if 14 shitty teams can earn a spot, I think it’s safe to say Katrina and I have earned ours. How do we get to the Super Bowl from here you ask? There are three rounds of playoffs: The Wild Card Round, the Divisional Round, and the Conference Round. In true NFL fashion, at least one of those is a misnomer, and the NFL doesn’t use a fixed bracket (aka you get reseeded after the first round), so we’re going to break it down a little further.
The Wild Card Round: True fans of the blog will know that last year was the first EXPANDED wild card weekend, during which I sang WILD THOUGHTS about…..a thousand times (no regrets!). During WILD WILD weekend, there are 6 games- 3 in each conference. (But wait, don’t 7 teams from each conference qualify?? Yes but PAY ATTENTION the top seed gets a BYE) The 3 remaining divisional winners host the 3 WILD CARD TEAMS- #2 seed plays the #7 seed (worst wildcard), #3 seed plays the #6 seed, and the #4 seed plays the #5 seed (the best wildcard).
The Divisional Round: A Misnomer, because if ANY wild card wins, you’re not facing off against another divisional champion, but I digress. As mentioned above, we get reseeded after the first round based off the best remaining teams. So for example, if by some MIRACLE the #7 seed, idk, lets just call them some made up team name like, idk, the Saints, beat the #2 seed in the Wild Card Round, they advance to play against that sneaky #1 seed who just had a week off, let’s call them the Packers (just making stuff up here). That’s the top team facing the worst remaining seed- so if the #7 seed LOST but the #6 team WON in the wildcard round, the Packers wouldn’t face the #2 seed, they’d face that other wild card winner, the #6 seed. BLINK TWICE IF YOU’RE FOLLOWING. In the divisional round there are 4 games, 2 per conference: Highest seed vs. Lowest Seed, 2nd highest seed vs 2nd lowest seed.
The Conference Championship: This name does make sense, because the winners of these 2 games are the NFC and AFC champions. What does that mean? In the grand scheme of titles, nothing! But it DOES mean they get to go to the Super Bowl. Because the playoff structure is separated by conference, we’re never going to have a Buccaneers vs Packer or Titans vs. Chiefs Super Bowl, no matter how much the pundits beg for it. It’s always going to be 1 AFC team, 1 NFC team, so the Conference Round is a spicy one because it is the highest stakes game in which we will ever get to see, for example, Joe Burrow face off against Patrick Mahomes. Also, if you wanted to zone out for most of the playoffs, you can swoop into this one and get a good idea of what to look for in the Super Bowl.
Now what?
Now dear readers, we watch and wait for Week 18. Did we need an extra week of regular season football before the playoffs? No, we definitely didn’t. I mean, as thrilled as I’m sure all Giants & Washington Football Team fans will be to watch & cheer on their teams this Sunday in a game that affects absolutely nothing and doesn’t matter even the smallest bit, I can’t help but think it’s a tad unnecessary! That being said, because of week 18 the Saints actually could still make the playoffs (slim chance, but there’s a chance!!!!!!) so I guess I shouldn’t complain. But if you want to read more complaints, look here.
See you all on Monday, when we will know the fates of the playoffs! This is as close to a cliffhanger as we will ever get!
