Rivalry Week: The Hatfield’s & McCoys of Football
I know it feels like we say this every other week, but IT WAS DERBY DAY this past weekend! Hot matchups all across the European leagues, so even without Champion’s League there’s a lot to cover. And we’re not just saying that because we’re on a strict content creation schedule.
In the Champion’s League…
As Mentioned, no games this week, which DOES mean there is a slot of midweek games across the leagues. There are some spicy match ups on Wednesday that are definitely worth watching, so despair not, and check back in on the UCL next week for matchday 4.
In the Premier League…
The Troubles have escalated, and for once we’re not referring to the IRA (Katrina coming in here to say I did not greenlight this joke!! The troubles are serious elena!) . Man United was trampled at home by Liverpool sunday morning, which has Ole’s strong supporters starting to cave. I mean, people are already guessing on who his replacement will be (and ESPN does keep sending me notifications about who it won’t be which is NOT A STORY FAM), so unless things get turned around reeeeallly quick it might be the end of the road for him. Ronaldo told the press that the team just needs time to find out who they are with all these new signings, which isn’t NOT true, but with the talent they have in this locker room there’s honestly no excuse!
In Ligue 1…
This fan out here literally looking the most Marseillais
LE CLASSIQUE was a tight one folks! Though the score line read 0-0 at the end of the day there were definitley some winners and losers. On Marseille’s part: they had a goal taken away from them early on, and dominated possession in the second half, but they failed to capitalize on the red card on Hakimi that left PSG with 10 men. Once again, if the opposing team is down a man, and you don’t score, congrats, ya boofed it. Also, Gerard Payet looked threatening throughout the game at his feet, but looked RIDICUOUS with a Space Buns hairstyle, and I can’t help but wonder if that contributed to the loss. On PSG’s end: They held on while playing with 10 men, and without Verratti who came out with a potential injury, (his heart because he and his wife might split!) but Messi and Neymar didn’t really dazzle (again). Poch is in a tough spot because I am not convinced he knows how to coach Messi…like how do you tell the greatest player in the world how to football? There were also a bunch of altercations despite PSG fans not being allowed in- culminating in 21 arrests and this dude busting on to the field to chase Messi! Outside of the top two clubs, it was still a drama filled weekend in Ligue 1. Nice rallied to beat Lyon in a 3-2 thriller. Nice sits pretty in third place, and this midweek they’ll replay their match against Marseille which was initially cancelled because the fans misbehaved (again). Never a week without a little rowdiness, because I guess that’s what happens when you keep the french inside for too long. The St. Etienne (ASSE) game was delayed an HOUR after fans threw flares onto the pitch that BURNED THE GOAL NETS. Whoops. They’re set to be punished for the delay, but tbh no punishment is necessary since they currently sit in 20th place with no sign of improving. Yes they are in crisis, yes they might get bangs!
In Serie A…
That’s right the Italians have moved up in our rankings because I am tired of y’all sleeping on them. Two derbies in the Italian league this week: the first a classic rivalry at the top (ish) of the table, Inter Milan vs Juventus. The game ended 1-1 despite Inter having the run of play, but a late penalty call (which people are saying is controversial but tbh wasn’t) gave Juve the point they needed from this one. People are questioning Coach Allegri’s tactics at Juve, for example he didn’t start PRINCE CHIESA (king of this meme in case you dared to forget), who is a transformative member of the squad. Once he was put in the game Juve played better, but they were playing from the back and really didn’t need to be, if they want to be better they need to BE AGGRESSIVE! The other Derby was the derby of the SUD, Roma v Napoli, a bitterly fought 0-0 match in which both Managers ended up getting red cards, a thing we often forget can happen but would honestly love to see more of. Mourinho had the right strat playing on the counter, and managed to get a point out of the whole ordeal, which is a big dill for Roma, who famously cannot win against the seven sister teams (the top tier). Ok if you’re wondering WHERE ARE ALL THE GOALS I THOUGHT THEY SCORED GOALS IN ITALY fear not, because the other games delivered. Genoa scored early but ended up losing to Torino 3-2, Spezia came out strong against Sampdoria but ended up losing 2-1 (despite Sampdoria basically giving up in the second half) and Empoli had a hard fought 4-2 win over Salernitana (worth watching the highlights of because after the third goal the scorer made a your mom joke to the goalie which, obviously caused some big italian drama!!!!). And in other news of teams that sound like meats, Bologna lost 4-2 to AC Milan in a game with not one but TWO red cards on our baloney friends. Ok LASTLY Lazio got stomped on by Verona (not a good team) 4-1 which, if your wondering, is exactly why we never talk about Lazio. They stay acting like they deserve to be considered a top team, and then they pull this shit!!!! Disgraceful. Peep their game Wednesday against Fiorentina, because we like Fiorentina’s chances of sneaking in top tier, and they could win this one.
In La Liga…
The most famous match up in all of football was the worst game of the weekend. That’s right it’s EL CLASSICO baby! And it was as overhyped as we expected it to be. Real Madrid won the day and Barcelona’s coach & back office were all like “well look at the trash I have to work with!!!!!” Which is honestly bullshit because even besides Memphis Depuy and their other big signings, they are one of the most famous clubs in the world, the players practically recruit themselves, and saying there isn’t talent there is bullshit. It would be more accurate to say they’re in a rebuilding phase(something often said by our hometown city of New Haven as well), but let’s face it, EL CLASSICO hasn’t been that competitive the past few years. And, on top of that, at the end of the day, neither of these teams are in first place. Who IS in first place you ask? Well, we haven’t been paying attention and apparently Real Sociedad (which I can only assume translates as REAL SOCIETY) snuck all the way up there. Who are these people!!!! Where do they even play!!!! Sadly these questions are unanswerable. Their game this weekend WAS actually a good one, against an Atleti side that didn’t know how to break through and score. Atletico is sort of having a midlife crisis, because Grizou isn’t doing much, and Suarez spends 89 minutes and 55 seconds doing nothing and then will score the winning goal. Not a BAD thing per se, but not ideal. They’ve consistently been conceding early and then being forced to make a comeback, which for the most part they have done (again, thanks to Suarez), but they’re not playing at the level they should be. Ain’t that ALWAYS the truth fam!
In the Bundesliga…
At last, we reach everyone’s least favorite league to talk about. Here’s what I can tell you, in broad strokes: Freiberg, Leverkusen, and Union Berlin have gotten off to cracking starts this year, and they’re in the top 5, above Red Bull, all of which bodes well for them. However, this past week, Leverkusen (in the Rhine Derby, apparently) & Union failed to get anything better than a draw, and Union was even playing one man up. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: You cannot throw ANY matches away if you want to compete at the end of the season! Also, if you needed another reason to not support Bayern, the ruthless tyrants who reign over the Bundesliga in an unceasing terror, they are NOT requiring players to be vaxxed, which was revealed this week when player Joshua Kimmich was like “yea i’m not vaxxed [presumably bc I have taken too many headers and I have no braincells left]” (sic). Wolfsburg is NOT having a good time right now, after starting off the season with 4 straight wins, which they’ve followed by 4 straight losses, and so they fired their coach. Is that rash? Maybe. But he was on thin ice to start and we’re desperate for a plot twist here folks!!!!!
On the Hatfield’s & the McCoys
Ok no I didn’t do an excellent job of explaining this weeks theme but in case you missed it there were a lot of CLASSIC match ups (derby or not) in every league. Like Liverpool Man United is one of the most storied rivalries of all football!!! And would you believe it actually started over a “Who Wore It Best?” poll in People magazine? The more you know! Anyways all this calls to mind the greatest and most pointless rivalry of all time: the feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys, two Appalachia clans with stubborn heads and way too much time on their hands. It was all fun and games until people started dying!!!! We watched a historical fiction series on this awhile ago that I cannot recommend enough (much of it is people just yelling HATFIELD! MCCOY!!!) but until then, you can just imagine that it was like it was Derby Day everyday. Which, between five leagues of competitive soccer where the pundits are forced to make a big deal about something every week, it basically is already. Cheers!
