Nice Kicks Bro : NFL Week 13
Well everyone, we made it. We've come so far, and faced so much adversity, but we have overcome to reach the pinnacle of the NFL season: MY CAUSE MY CLEATS. Some of you might think the pinnacle would be the Superbowl, but despite the Saints being the first team to cinch a spot in the playoffs they probably won't make it that far, so I am choosing to pause here at week 13 and just appreciate where we're at. And where we're at is more than just a place where the playoff picture is coming into focus (more on that later), but it is also a place where, for just one week, players can wear FUN SHOES. And that means we have a LICENSE to TALK about OUTFITS.Because it would be insanity to just let players wear whatever shoes they want to wear (apparently, idk the NFL really gives off gestapo vibes but maybe that's just me), there are a LOT of rules about what players can wear in game (but anything goes for warmup), EXCEPT this week, when they pick a fun charity and they have all these commercials talking about their causes and then they auction it off for money for said charity. It is one of the better initiaves tbh but I still feel like the NFL could just...give...more...money...away (never forget how they fined coaches 100k for not wearing a mask and then gave that money…. to themselves instead of Covid relief efforts!). Anyways! Pictured below are some fun shoes we enjoyed while we were watching some Very Boring Games.
In football news, it's a good thing we learned what a Safety is, because the Colts scored one in their impressive win over the Texans AND the Vikings in an exciting overtime battle ALSO SCORED ONE. Oh and the Seahawks, but we will get to that in a minute. Also, Baker Mayfield is winning the Superbowl, according to pundits, despite the fact that every team the Browns have beaten is...not that good. Taysom Hill didn't start off GREAT but pulled it together for the Saints to win (PLAYOFF BOUND BABY). We got a week off from them talking about Tom Brazy (bless up), Cam Newton lead the Pats to a 45-0 rout of the Chargers and the Broncos (no longer QB-less) gave the Chiefs a bit of a run for their money, but then remembered this is rigged and lost.
GAMES WE WATCHED
Raiders 31 Jets 28
Katrina and I watched this together (because, as always, our TV options are solely New York Trash!) and the greatest takeaway is that Derek Carr just had a baby girl and we think there should be NFL Paternity Leave. At least for the Jets sake. This game is the Talk Of The Town because despite being 11-0 coming in, the Jets were...playing well?? and winning?? Even with a second half comeback by the Raiders, an interception apiece and several sacks on both sides, the Jets were IN THE LEAD with SECONDS LEFT. Seconds!!!! And thennnnn for reasons no one knows (aka, the game. is. rigged WAKE UP SHEEPLE), Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams (we should add a Former in front of that, because he got fired Monday morning), called for a blitz and Derek Carr threw the ball all the way to this speedy lil Ruggs kid and they scored and the Jets continue their slow descent into madness.
Giants 17 Seahawks 12
The ONLY highlight of this game was watching the ball hit the endzone and both of us yelling out "DID THE SEAHAWKS JUST SCORE A SAFETY" *look at each other* * look at tv*and being CORRECT. Other than that we watched three quarters of a game where basically nothing happened I truly could not tell you anything, except that I watched Russell Wilson get sacked a few times and DK Metcalf has blue hair (We all see it. We all see it).But cheers to the Giants?
Washington 23 Steelers 17
When I spoke to a Steelers fan Tuesday morning about this loss, he said “it’s good to get the monkey off our back. Being undefeated is too much pressure”. And like, he is not wrong but to lose to the WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM?!!? Do better friends. (Also on this same call someone referred to Washington by their former name the R******* and I was shook please do not say that shit in my house y’all). This game was really a tale of two defenses, as the Steelers offense struggled for the second week in a row (starting with 2 “three & outs” aka they failed to get a first down on their first two possessions).It was also the tale of two COMEBACK QUARTERBACKS because- I am not sure if you’ve heard- but Ben Roethlisberger had an elbow injury last year that he bravely persevered through. And the Washington QB had some leg thing who cares we are team elbow.
Bills 34 49ers 24
The Bills got to return to the site of their Dramatic Last Seconds Loss this week because the 49ers have a new (temporary) home in Glendale Arizona. Because in case you missed it, the NFL can just go with the flow COVID cannot stop them! The 49ers are somehow still alive after being totally decimated by injuries and perhaps being cursed (you said it not me!) and are hungry for a Wild Card spot. The Bills are trying to teach Josh Allen how to make it through one game without an interception. Ultimately it was the Bills who were more successful, with Allen finding like 6 different receivers over the course of the night. Later they would refer to him as “a baller”, and if that isn’t the american dream, I am not sure what is. In other news, NFL decided this morning that the 49ers aren’t worthy of primetime which I’m sorry is hilarious.
Week 13 is important not just because of the cleats (although like, come on. they're heartwarming as fuck). But because, as EVERYONE SAID ABOUT A MILLION TIMES (do they not compare commentator notes? is this a reflection on our attention spans? much to think about, little concrete evidence to really comment on!) the PLAYOFF PICTURE is now becoming clearer. For some teams, like the Dolphins who have (miraculously?!?!) snuck into Wild Card contention, this is great news! For others, like the Vikings, who are "in the hunt" this is not! Sadly, not everyone can qualify. But roughly 100000 teams do (not kidding I think they basically all make it in), so we will be drafting an outline of what the heck this playoff picture is so that when they start to color it in, you'll already be on top of it. Stay tuned for a GUIDE TO WHAT THE HECK THE NFL PLAYOFFS ARE, dropping later this week. Once we figure it out. Because right now we're like 30% sure on it.
