QATAR 2022: KNOCK OUT ROUNDS ARE HERE
You should read that title in full jersey shore CAHBS A HERE tone. Please and thank you!
We’re more than halfway through this whole shebang and it has been a WHIRLWIND let me tell you!
What Happened (in the world cup, this is not a summary of Hillary’s Book)
Perhaps foolishly, we did not go into detail about how the ranking system in the group stage works (partially because we are lazy, partially because you all tell us these posts are too long and we have to trim the fat SOMEHOW and the jokes STAY IN THE POST). To Clarify: When you win a match, you get 3 points. When you lose a match, you get 0 points. When you draw a match, you get 1 point. Once you win 2 matches, it’s pretty impossible not to qualify for the next round- see France, Brazil, Portugal, who did so. HOWEVER, a lot of teams chose NOT TO WIN THEIR FIRST TWO MATCHES we had a LOT of 0-0 draws (looking at you USA - England!), which meant going into the last round of group stage matches, MUCH was up for grabs! Luckily, FIFA has rules if you end up with the same amount of points: there are TIE BREAKERS, which are as follows:
-Goal Differential: This is the big one- Goals Scored vs Goals Conceded. It matters for a team like Spain who scored 7 unanswered in their opener, which, had they won another game would have put them in an unbeatable spot at the top of the group. It also put their opponent Costa Rica in a VERY tough spot because they had a -7 GD to overcome.
-Goals Scored: Even if you have the same GD as an opponent, if you scored more goals than them (i.e if you went from a -7 goal differential to a -2 goal differential, you’ve scored a lot of goals!), you outrank them.
-Head-To-Head: This is a very common one (especially in american football)- perks of the group stage is that you have played all the other teams! So if you are trying to decide which of the teams are better…well, who won when they played?
-Fair Play Points: If two teams have the same Goal Differential & Same Goals Scored (as Mexico & Poland did for about 10 minutes during their final group stage games against the Saudis & Argentines, respectively) the next tie breaker is that the team with less yellow cards advances. Another reason to play NICE! A friendly reminder here is that yellow cards CARRY OVER in the group stage: if you do a mean tackle in game 1 and get a yellow, learn nothing and do the same thing in game 2, it counts as a double yellow aka a red aka you miss the next match. If that happens in game 3, you miss the Round of 16 game.
-DRAWING LOTS: Thank bejesus we did not get into this point, but believe it or not, it has happened. Did your high school english teacher make you read the lottery? No? She should have. Go do that and come back. That’s what FIFA is going for.
The Teams That Are Out: A Masterclass in Group Stage Drama
RIP to Qatar, who I guess decided not to rig the whole thing after all (perhaps they thought it would be too obvious!), and instead exited the cup after losing every game and scoring 0 goals. Rough! Ecuador is also out, in heartbreaking fashion, after Senegal beat them 2-1. In Group B, Wales suffered an embarrassing loss to their chinless English overloads to seal their exit, and Iran lost to THE OLD U S OF A after trying to start drama at our pregame presser. Tunisia was thrilled to beat France but won’t advance (see what I did there? it rhymes!), and in a TWIST Australia advances instead of Denmark. Heck yeah socceroos!!!!!! Group C had a tragic final match day- Mexico won their match over Saudi Arabia (eliminated), but didn’t have the goal differential to overcome Poland for second, and are Eliminated. Sad for Mexico! Although maybe they shouldn’t have waited until the last day to score a goal! We thought that was spicy, we thought things were heating up, and THEN groups E & F entered the chat. Belgium was in a win or go home situation, despite (unfairly) beating Canada, because they lost to Morocco (more on them in a minute!), but they were also playing Croatia (hot off a win over Canada, which was embarrassing for the Canadian coach who said they were going to F Them), a tougher team in the group and…didn’t do it! They lost! Huge yikes for a Belgian team that took their nation’s french influence very seriously and decided to completely implode and tell the press they all hate each other?!?!?! Wild things going on there, the golden era is OUT the flop era is IN. Group F said YES AND to that Drama, and for 3 minutes when Costa Rica was beating Germany (who needed a win/draw but also needed Japan to lose), and Japan was beating Spain (that result held) two European powerhouses were almost eliminated from the dance.
Anyways that didn’t happen because Germany won their game, but were eliminated from the tournament anyway. Again, Yikes! Expect a big rebuild there (and a lot of questions for coach Hansi Flick on why he didn’t play Kai Havertz more). Last day of group stages ALSO did not disappoint. Group G was set for drama as Serbia needed a win over the Swiss to have a chance, and Cameroon was vying to keep their game (and Vincent Aboubacar’s great performances) alive. Alas, the Serbs lost to a team made up of many of their former citizens (well, kinda) and though Cameroon beat Brazil, and Aboubacar got a red car (wel, a second yellow) for taking his shirt off to brag about a goal, they’ll exit as well. Probably my most anticipated group stage match up was Ghana and Uruguay, who both needed a win to advance, because they have LONG STANDING BEEF from back in 2010. Basically: Luis Suarez (our man with the big teeth who is not afraid to use them!) USED HIS HANDS to block a Ghanian goal (helpful to know he is NOT a goalie!), the Ref gave them a penalty…and they missed. After that Suarez (who feels vaguely if not overtly racist) was like “well next time…convert the penalty” (Insert shrug emoji here). Today, they got that chance: another penalty, another must win game, aaaaaaaaaand it was saved. Yikes!!!!!! THEN Uruguay scored 2 goals and were leading the game but due to the MATH at play (see above) were still eliminated thanks to Korea’s win. They also got really mad at the ref (who, admittedly did boof a call that should have been a penalty for Uruguay) and chased him into the tunnel at the end. Big yikes!!!!
The Teams That Remain: Reevaluting Expecations
The Netherlands- The Oranje have not looked invincible in this tournament- Cody Gapko is playing well as expected but is often offsides (who isn’t nowadays!), they’re still a good team though and we stand by what we said- don’t mess with the dutch. ALTHOUGH the team has been STRUCK WITH A FLU OUTBREAK and skipped practice today so! Anything can happen!
Senegal- Kinda squeaked through here, but Coach Alliou Sisse has done some masterful work with the team. I’d be shocked if they do beat England, but I’d also be entertained.
England- Remember how I said they have a lot of talent? They have a LOT of talent. The depth of this bench is insane and goals are coming from everywhere (always good to be scoring goals). Watch England…you’re gunna like the way they look, we guarantee it.
The USA- Christian Pulisic’s ball busting heroics aside— actually, maybe they’re the metaphor we need: This American team is not unbreakable. Gio Reyna has barely played (a choice, imho), and while Goalie Matt Turner has been solid (not conceding a single goal in regular play, only Wales’ penalty), Gregg Berhalter’s substitutions have taken the wind outta our sails more than once so far. That said, Yunus Musah looks good, Tim Weah looks good, Sergino Dest is a prince. I’m pulling for the boys here.
Argentina- Losing to Saudi Arabia in their opening match…all part of the plan? Messi missing a penalty against Poland…par for the course? The Albiceleste are not the shiny favorites everyone had them being when they game in, but their fragility is not a nail in their coffins just yet. Their coach has adjusted tactics in midfield to adjust for early mistakes…they’re growing into the tournament, which is a trait of a champion.
Poland- To be honest, I don’t know why you’re here (jk, I do, it’s Lewandowski), but the Poles and their WALL of a keeper have held on thus far. Grit…might not win the whole thing, but it’ll win a match, and it’s win or go home season.
France- The Bleus kinda messed up when they played their b team against tunisia (yes, it’s important to rest players, no, that shouldn’t mean playing your second best goal keeper!), but in the other games (notably v Denmark) they looked beautiful. They play a type of football that is just nice to watch, idc how you feel about them, it’s a fact.
Australia- The Socceroos are a Cinderella story, considering they had no expectations for themselves coming in. Denmark totally blew their chance in this group (which shouldn’t have been hard to get out of, I stand by it!) and I am not sure how far our green & yellow roos will make it (I wouldn’t bet on far, but what do I know!), but it’s fun while they’re here!
Spain- After the aforementioned 7-0 in in their debut, at first I was thinking holy shit Spain is scary! And then I saw them draw an OK German side and I thought…holy shit Spain has flaws! And then they lost to Japan and I thought…She contains multitudes! It feels like they’re on a match by match basis, but you have to win these upcoming games, so, get it together fellas!
Japan- Finally a good kit survives elimination! I’m so proud of Japan, they busted their ASSES to make it out of the group (I mean, they beat Spain! Without possessing the ball at all pretty much!). I love the vibes of this team, I love their coach, I think he might actually be a genius.
Croatia- Shoulda known better than to bet against Luka Modric- the man is an animal. Croatia reminded us all that they are in fact a team that made it to the final last time around, and even though they ended up not winning their group, their game against Japan will definitely be one to watch.
Morocco- Safe to say plenty of people underestimated Morocco. Hakimi has been incredible. They’re scoring goals, they’re creating chances, they’re coasting into the Round of 16 top of their group saying THIS TIME FOR AFRICA. I honestly am hype to watch them play Spain- expect that to be a tightly fought 90 (read: 100) minutes.
Brazil- Playing their B team in the last round was NOT ideal for them, and Neymar picked up an ankle injury RIGHT AWAY (this man is truly made out of glass I swear). But Brazil is as terrifying as anticipated. They are, as expected, scoring goals, and tbh, I stand by everything we already said about them.
Switzerland- Last team to qualify, the swiss had a suspenseful match against our favorite war criminals the Serbs! Key Background: Swiss star players Granit Xhaka and Xheridan Shaquiri are both of Albanian/Kosovan descent, and have been fined in the past for celebrating their goals with nods to those political tensions. So this game…got spicy! Balls were grabbed! Mothers were sworn at! And though Serbs led several times, in the end, the Rossocrociati had it, and will face Korea.
South Korea- Shock the world!!!!!! What a PERFORMANCE by the Taeguk Warriors against Portugal (who, like France & Brazil, phoned it in on the last day) to win 2-1 (shoutout to superhero Heung Min Son! What a leader!). I love that they’re here, I love how much it means to this team, I will root for them always.
Portugal- Blah blah blah Cristiano Ronaldo pulling antics (claiming he scored a goal when he didn’t, whining to piers morgan, complaining about a South Korean player swearing at him, etc etc). Bruno Fernandez has been excellent for this side, but I am rooting for them to get ejected.
Everything Else:
-Stoppage Time: This was the storyline of the first few days of games for sure, and once players caught on to the down-to-the-millisecond timekeeping that was going on, there was for sure less time WASTING going on, but it is a little ridiculous to have 6+ minutes of stoppage time in every game. Some had over 10! That’s a long ass game y’all!
-VAR: Despite it not being the first cup where the video assistant referee is in play, for some reason they have become OBSESSED with using it in this one. There are about twenty VAR checks per game, and just as many offsides calls, determined by the narrowest of margins. To us? The accuracy is not worth it! I don’t feel like explaining offsides this much, and it goes against the INTEGRITY of the rule- it should only be used for clear and obvious errors. I hate that they get this right, but in regular ol american football, they need SIGNIFICANT evidence to overturn the call on the field. It doesn’t feel like they’re doing that here, and it’s frustrating to watch it break up the play of the game.
-Political Drama: Of course, it was to be expected no? Qatar has been CRACKING down on fans, from offensive Crusader fits on the English (this one, I do agree with) to rainbow t shirts (this, not so much). Then they were like “guys you know how we feel about it so knock it OFF you’re being RUDE!” and everyone was like YOU KNOW WHAT IS RUDE? BIGOTRY!!!! That's all I have to say about it.
Knockout Game Schedule:
We will, of course, continue to post daily match ups and updates on our instagram stories. Yes that is annoying and no we don’t care! Meet us back here in 20 days for winners & losers to be crowned & shamed! Until then, play fair and drink lots of beers.
