QATAR 2022: Groups A-D
Now that you know everything important about the circumstances SURROUNDING the world cup, and what this whole tournament is, your brains are PRIMED and READY to absorb the good stuff- the teams themselves. There’s a lot to say about these folks, and all the superstars and hot coaches and historic burdens they carry into this cup, so we’ve split it into 2 parts.
If you just want to know the key takeaways:
Without further ado, please meet your first 16 teams!
GROUP A
Qatar- The Maroon
Qatar qualifies (for the first time!!!!! baby’s first cup!) automatically as the host nation, even though their team is shitty, and they shouldn’t be the host nation anyway, but putting all that aside- they are missing a PRIME opportunity to use the Taylor Swift song as the theme of the tourney. They’re coached by Felix Sanchez, who is Spanish but has coached in Qatar for most of his career. The team is on the up & up, having won the Asian Cup in 2019, and they have a hilarious scam going on where they’ve convinced a bunch of dudes from other countries (notably Brazil, who we’ll get to later) to play on their national team (via naturalization). Now this is pretty common, what with the whole colonialism situation, but Qatar is doing it just with bribes, which is true to form for them and we lovveeee a commitment to the bit. They even established an entire fake little academy to convince young African players to come to Qatar, and then got exposed for…you guessed it, Human Rights violations! NO one saw that coming!!!!
Key Players: Hassan Al-Haydos (captain), Akram Afif & Almoez Ali on attack.
First Game: The host always kicks things off in the tourney, they’ll face Ecuador Nov. 20th @11am
Kit Ranking: 4/10- while I like the loyalty to the flag, I wish they’d incorporated more zigzag. The away is supposedly inspired by the coastline but it’s looking like sweat stains to me.
Ecuador-La Tri/La Tricolere
Unclear why Ecuador’s nickname is a feminine La Tri when Mexico’s is masculine El Tri but gender is fake so! Who cares! Ecuador was the last South American team to punch their ticket to the cup, after missing the last edition. They surprised everyone by beating a lot of better teams (Peru, Colombia, Chile), and the team is cautiously optimistic coming into the tourney. Their coach Gustavo Alfaro has really reinvigorated this team by inspiring jaded players and garnering nationwide support, but they will have to score more goals to get anywhere in Qatar.
Key Players: Moises Caicedo, veteran Enner Valencia, and young upstart Gonzalo Plata.
First Game: Against Qatar Nov. 20th 11am
Kit Rating: Produced by a smaller brand, I am pleasantly surprised by these kits. The pattern on the blue jersey is nice detailing, and I feel like they’re making the most out of a simple motif with these. 7/10
Senegal- The Lions of Teranga (A Wolof word for the Senegalese way of life: a cultural generosity of spirit & hospitality)
Hot off an Africa Cup of Nations (AFCON) WIN over Egypt in a spicy penalty shootout final, the Lions are a talented squad that has a lot of people buzzing. Aliou Cisse’s team (btw his nickname is EL TACTICO, which I love) plays a pragmatic game with SPEEDY operators on the wings. They’re defensive minded for sure, which is how they'll hope to make up for the absence of former-Liverpool/current-Bayern-Munich striker Sadio Mane, seen as the iconic leader of this team, who gained a World-Cup-Ending injury in a match last week. (If you’re wondering why we kept talking about the fast approaching world cup in our soccer posts, STUFF LIKE THAT IS WHY). That loss will definitely shake the core of this tightly knit team, but they’ll look to overcome it and have an easy enough group to do so.
Key Players: Idrissa Gana Gueye (PSG), Nampalys Mendy (Leicester City), Edouard Mendy (Chelsea) and Abdou Diallo (PSG)
First Game: Nov. 21st 11am v. The Netherlands
Kit Rating: Senegal is at a heavy disadvantage here as a Puma team, since the brand has made some…unfortunate choices with their away kits (why is the number in a little square? No one knows), but the home jerseys are a throwback tinged interpretation of the flag (btw their flag/ghana’s flag/cameroon’s flag were giving me a real hard time during researching this y’all). 6/10
The Netherlands- The Oranje/ Holland/ Clockwork Orange/ The Flying Dutchmen
The Dutch are a traditional European soccer powerhouse, attending 11 previous cups and just as many Euro tournaments, but they missed the last world cup in a shocking absence. After that disappointment and a round of 16 exit in the 2020(1) euros (which was the last time they lost a game for the record), the Oranje ditched de Boer as coach and went back to Louis van Gaal, who had led them to a third place finish back in Brazil. This club is tactically clean, built around their strong defense, but they have a strong attack in their younger talent that will be key to keep an eye on.
Key Players: Tall Man At The Back Virgil van Dijk (Liverpool), Memphis Depay (Barca, for now, but rumored to leave), Frenkie de Jong (Barca), Cody Gapko (PSV)
First Game: Nov. 21st 11am v. Senegal
Kit Ranking: Every single time we talk about this team we talk about them wearing orange and how much we love it, and for some reason this year they decided to IGNORE THAT PRAISE and go with the light orange hue that is…I’ll say it…a vomit color (hello? It’s the Oranje not they Yelloj?? ) There’s supposedly a pattern on there but it’s not giving. The deep blue away kits with orange accents however, slap. 5/10
GROUP A PREDICTIONS:
This group should be a slam dunk for the Netherlands to get out of, they will probably try to treat these games as a bit of a warm up for the challenging round of 16 matchup (if they win the group, they will face the 2nd place team from group b). We’re pulling for Senegal to get #2, but knowing our host country they’ve probably paid off the other teams to assure they get to advance.
GROUP B
USA! USA! USA!- The Stars & Stripes/The Yanks
I don’t want to get anyone too hype, but THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS GOING TO THE WORLD CUP (we missed it last time). This is the best generation of Americans since ever in the sport, and it’s grown so much (mostly thanks to the LADIES who have been killing it, these dudes are really just riding their coattails), and so many of the players on this squad play internationally and the other half are changing the face of soccer in MLS domestically I just….I’m overcome with emotion. These babies, coached by Gregg Berhalter, are so talented and they’ve worked so hard. They’re carrying the hopes of our nation (and the potential to get the world to call it soccer!!!!) on their shoulders- no pressure. After grinding out a successful qualifying campaign, this team decided to give us a scare in their recent friendlies, playing like absolute crap! So that was not a huge vote of confidence. Start SCORING SOME GOD DAMN GOALS, and we need real leadership and maturity instead of talking to the press, but I think (hope) the adrenaline of being at the cup will carry us to VICTORY (victory might just be escaping the group stage). Or, we will flame out in an mortifying explosion of disappointment and regret…either way it will be beautifully American.
Key Players: CAPTAIN AMERICA CHRISTIAN PULISIC (Chelsea), Brendan Aaronson (Leeds), Tyler Adams (Leeds), Sergino Dest (Milan) Weston McKennie (Juventus), Gio Reyna (Dortmund), Deandre Yedlin (Miami), redhead Josh Sargent (Norwich)
First Match: Nov. 21st 2pm v. Wales
Kit Ranking: Oh y’all it is bad. It’s so bad. Idk who we pissed off over at Nike but they really said “We’re giving them absolutely nothing” It’s not so much a kit as it is a kit template. Also I’m OVER THE CAMO/TIE DYE THEME—we have stars we have stripes we have goddamn bald eagles do SOMETHING ELSE. 3/10
Jolly Ol England- The THREE Lions
These blokes invented the whole bloody sport (supposedly) but what they’re more famous for on big stages like this is ABSOLUTELY BOTTLING IT. Despite currently having a golden generation that of young exciting talent & experienced veterans, they bowed out of the Euros sans title (although they did have a solid showing as runners up, the players were of course, GUTTED). As was true for most of their history, England has an embarrassment of riches (partially thanks to their colonial fuck ups that led to their current day immigration system & diversity! The more things seem to change…). With those riches, come a lot of choices to be made—when they named their squad for the cup it was not without controversy (Including Harry Macguire who has been single handedly sabotaging Manchester United all year, excluding Tammy Abraham & serie a superstar Fikayo Tomori...those were choices!!!!). The pressure is on for manager Gareth Southgate (famously very hot and yet VERY british looking) to GET RESULTS.
First Match: Nov. 21st 8am v. England
Key Players: Pretty much all of them, such as Harry Kane (striker, captain, Tottenham), Raheem Sterling (Chelsea), young superstar Jude Bellingham (he’s legit like 16), Man City’s Phil Foden (who has made questionable hair choices let’s be honest), Bukayo Saka (Arsenal, also he got racial hate at the euros and he needs our support ok everyone is in on Saka he’s a sweetie), and all the other bruvs who have the most british names you could imagine (Marcus Rashford, Mason Mount, Kyle Walker etc).
Kit Ranking: A lot of people like this kit because the design includes many nods to successful teams from the 80’s & 90’s, but I am not WOWed personally- I would love to have seen some incorporation of a lion motif or a nod to THE LATE GREAT QUEEN ELIZABETH ok! Or maybe to Boris Johnson or a lettuce if that feels more appropriate- I don’t know this jersey isn’t telling me anything about who you ARE but also I don’t hate it so like 6/10
Wales - THE DRAGONS (the HOUSE of the dragon maybe even???)
The Welsh team is back in the World Cup for *checks notes* the second time EVER???? And their first appearance was *flips through notepad frantically* 1958?!?! Ok welcome back I guess dragons! With Rob Page at the helm, the house of the dragon is desperate to make things happen while their star player is still kind of in his prime. Page says his strategy (in life? In football?) is “trying to be a good bloke” which is admirable. Their recent history has been all about BUILDING CONFIDENCE and that has required some TACTICAL VERSATILITY but they’ll need to be more consistent if they want to make it out of the group.
Key Players: It’s Gareth Bale, it’s always Gareth Bale, it’s only Gareth Bale. He’s the manbun to end all man bun. Also: Daniel James (called “the next gareth bale”…might just be gareth bale in disguise?), Aaron Ramsey
First Match: Nov. 21st 2pm v. USA
Kit Ranking: I really appreciate the zigzag tones on the home jersey, they give a nice texture to the kit, but the away jersey is trying wayyyy too hard. It looks vaguely like they’re ripping off some kind of african inspired pattern and that makes me uncomfy. 7/10
Iran- Team Melli (??? Just kinda reminds me of Marshmello’s tag…melli made it RIGHT)
Iran is in this group less to win games and more to make the group’s composition politically spicy. That’s a friendly reminder that we’re not just here to play sports, we’re here to stir the foreign affairs POT baby! Team Melli is better than they were at the last two cups, and will aim to make it out of the group stage for the first time. Of course that is an uphill battle, but Portuguese-born Carlos Queiroz has been a steady force for this team at the helm and they’ve had some positive showings recently in friendlies against Senegal & Uruguay. Former FIFA President Sepp Blatter (who I guess is just on a grand tour of talking shit) told reporters this week that if HE was still in charge they wouldn’t be allowed to be here (due to the whole killing women in the streets situation)- but it’s also like babe you being in charge is the whole reason we ARE here? (in Qatar that is).
Key Players: The drama really continues here because due to the circumstances mentioned above, Iran has had a hard time finding a roster full of players who will shut up and dribble!!!! The government is insisting Iranian Timothee Chalamet/star striker Sardar Azmoun gets dropped from the lineup for speaking out in sympathy with the protesters- whether or not he heads to Qatar, this turmoil cannot be good for the team. Other key players include Alireza Jahanbakhsh, Mehdi Taremi up front.
First Match: Nov. 21st 8am v. England
Kit Ranking: They actually JUST released a kit the week before the cup, which is a vast improvement on what everyone expected them to wear- instead of a very dated swoop style they’ve opted for a simpler white & red jersey with a cheetah spot pattern on the sleeves. I am forced to ask…are there cheetahs in Iran? Apparently YES and they’re endangered!!! Ok you won me over 7/10
GROUP B PREDICTIONS:
I don’t want to write off Gareth Bale, especially given his recent heroics for LAFC in the MLS Cup, but PEOPLE ARE SAYING the USA has a good shot to get second place (if they live up to the hype, which is expecting a lot tbh) behind a very very very strong England side. That being said, all of the teams in this group have the tendency to surprise and disappoint, so this could be a Who Will Fuck Up The Most off.
GROUP C
Argentina - La Albiceleste
La Albiceleste (aka the Sky Blues, for their flag and their iconic stripey kit) are a traditional soccer powerhouse, with multiple impressive World Cup appearances including : 2018 (defeated by future champions France in the round of 16), 2014 (lost to Germany in OT in the finals), 2006 (lost to Germany in a semi-final shootout) (ok I know what you are thinking, those are all losses but they did get really far!!), and the legendary 1986 exploits of Diego Maradona, national hero (who passed away in 2020 rip) resulting in a WIN. The Albis were also champions in 1978 on home soil, and runners up in the first ever World Cup so yeah, they know a thing or two because they’ve seen a thing or two. Some (most) are saying this could (almost certainly will be, like he said it publicly) Messi’s last cup (he’s 35 fam), and thus he may want to go out in a blaze of glory. They smoothly qualified in a competitive region, and also won the 2021 Copa America, so expectations are high and people are calling them “a contender”. If we were talking about March Madness, this would be a chalk pick. They are under new leadership, with coach Lionel Scalioni, whose appointment was intended to break the bad ~vibes~ the team had after 2018 and tbh it seems to be working!
Players to watch: Lionel Messi obvi, Julian Alvarez (forward, Manchester City), Enzo Fernandez (midfielder), Christian Romero (defender), Latauro Martinez aka The Bull (Inter Milan), potentially Angel Di Maria aka Dobby (Juve, battling a hammy injury)
First game: vs Saudi Arabia Nov 22 @ 5am
Kit Rating: Would have gone with an 8/10 for the home because you have to appreciate the commitment to the stripey flag bit, and the back of it kinda LOOKS like the flag, cool touch. However the away jerseys are ATROCIOUS not even the right color, looking like some 90s dixie cup shit, overall 6/10
Saudi Arabia - The Green Falcons
One of Qatar’s many “regional rivals”, you may know Saudi Arabia from their oil and their killing of journalists! They’re NOT known for soccer success, having attended the World Cup 6 times since their first appearance in 1994 -their best year, finishing in the round of 16. All the other times they got knocked out in the group. While they had some interesting results in 2022 qualifying (beating both historically good Australia and Japan) as of late they’ve been in poor form, dropping several friendlies. Coached by Hervé Renard, un français who has really spent his time boppin around (he coached Morocco in 2018 and before that, the Ivory Coast and Zambia), you can expect a straightforward attacking style and a classic 4-3-2-1 formation.
Key players: Winger Salem Al-Dawasari and Firas Al-Buraikan
First game: vs Argentina, Nov 22 @5am
Kit Ranking: 6/10, I love the RISKS they took with the green jersey, evoking some sort of calligraphy, and the subtle feather pattern on the white aways (get it because they FALCONS). Can’t support too much though due to …*gestures broadly*
Mexico - El Tri
You think of Mexico- you think of soccer. Unfortunately, that association has not translated to success on the world stage recently, with Mexico qualifying out of the group stage every year since 1994 and then immediately crashing out of the round of 16. In fact, the last time Mexico did well was when they hosted in 1970 and 1986, when they reached the quarter finals. With their surprise 2018 group stage win over favorite Germany, Mexicans felt like they were robbed when they got defeated in the knockout round, and are gunning for further advancement this year. And I do mean GUNNING - fans are absolutely LIVID about how the team has been managed over the past few tourneys and are extremely unsatisfied with mediocre team performance thus far. Many are calling for coach Gerardo Martino to be fired (though it’s a bit late for that!), which he acknowledges, reportedly saying “I’m not just a public enemy; I’m public enemy number one in Mexico” (some people just wanna watch the world burn!). No matter! He’s taking that 4-3-3 all the way to the bank (probs the round of 16 who are we kidding!)
First match : vs Poland Nov 22 @11am
Players to watch : Hirving Lozano aka Chucky (?), best known for his surprising goal vs Germany in 2016, Diego Lainez
Kit Ranking : Some might say the subtle pattern stuff is being overdone lately but here we have an excellent example of how to incorporate it with a nod to local culture- with the home jersey showcasing a zigzag aztec pattern in green, and the away jersey playfully using Quezalcoatl patterns in red- unique, creative, we love to see it 9/10
Poland - the Eagles
Poland and the World Cup are like your friend that keeps going back to their ex. They’ve made appearances throughout the years, none that were successful. To be fair to them, they were having a whole oppressive Soviet thing going on (so LAME) and have only recently come back from that (though current regime also sucks). They had a disappointing showing in Russia, but did fairly well in this round of qualifying, racking up a bunch of points, and then boofing it a bit towards the end. They have a new coach Czeslaw Michniewicz, no I am not even going to attempt to pronounce that, and he is said to favor “team initiative” and “flexibility”; in other words, let guys be dudes. The thing is, this squad ain’t very deep, so I am once again faced with the question, can international superstar Robert Lewandowski put the whole team on his back? On one hand, seems like a tall order, on the other, he is pretty tall and does have a big back?
First match: vs Mexico Nov 22 @ 11am
Key Players: Robert Lewandowski (formerly of Bayern, now of Barcelona), Nicola Zalewski (Polish but born and raised in Italy, with a long history in Serie A before a move to Tottenham this year)
Kit ranking: Again to be fair, their flag is very boring so not a lot to work with here but the sad attempt to “embody the eagle” on the shoulders of their home jersey just ain’t it. And the away is just like… red …don’t leave projects until the last minute. 5/10
GROUP C PREDICTIONS:
Argentina should be able to handily win this group, so the real competition will be for second. I’d tend to favor Poland with Lewandowski’s penchant for scoring, but Mexico will be trying their best to challenge that.
GROUP D
France - Les Bleus
ALLEZ ALLEZ ALLEZ LES BLEUUUUUUUUUSSSSS! THE DEFENDING CHAMPS I mean AHHH where to start. Another historic European powerhouse, France has truly had some high highs and low lows when it comes to the World Cup, where they’ve appeared 15+ times. The highs: winning in 1998 with the famously diverse black-blanc-beur team (We defeated racism!) and in 2018 (WHEN I WAS THERE IN FRANCE NO I WILL NEVER FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT-- ON A DEUX ETOILES BEBE!). The lows: elimination at the group stage in 2002 (after infighting & a team implosion) and a stunning final loss in 2006 to local EU rival Germany, wherein an infamous Zidane headbutt possibly lost them the match. Since their win in 2018, the Bleus have been erratic, notably in the 2021 Euro where they fell to Switzerland on penalties. This year, coach Didier Deschamps (former 1998 player himself) is looking to do what no team has done in over 60 years: win back 2 back cups, recently announcing a return to their winning 4-3-2-1 formation. The good news is they are bringing back the majority of their squad from 2018 including wunderkind Kylian Mbappé along with a STACKED roster of new blood. The bad news is that they suffer from some self confidence issues, and they’re in a group with the Danes, who have defeated them multiple times recently. AND they are missing Ngolo Kante and Paul o Paul Pogba due to injury (or witch doctor?). But, again, I will BE in part of France while this Cup is happening (albeit in the Indian Ocean) so I can only hope my presence has a positive effect!
Key Players: Most everyone named in this song returns to the team, notably: Striker Mbappé (PSG), Karim Benezma (Real Madrid) a big scorer who missed the last cup because of a sex tape blackmail scandal, Hugo Lloris in goal (Tottenham), captain and defender Raphael Varane (Man U), newbie midfielder Aurelien Tchouameni (Real Madrid).
First Match: vs Australia, 22 November @2pm
Kit Ranking: You knew they were going to come at you with the style! The deep bleu home with gold accents, fly, befitting of a champion! The white away, subtly decorated with soft gray depictions of national monuments?? It’s ART! It’s CULTURE! 9/10 I NEED THIS JERSEY
Australia- The Socceroos!
Australia has qualified for every cup since 2006, which was incidentally their best performance, reaching the round of 16. This year the team has really suffered from a lack of confidence and a lack of support back home- to be fair to them, they did have to play 14 out of 18 qualis abroad (due to Covid travel restrictions) and it was, to put it mildly “a strug”.. The Aussies have really been up front about this - they’re going in with “low hopes and low expectations”. Coach Graham Arnold has described the play style as “functional”, wow much inspire (not). I’d say they’re just happy to be here but tbh it doesn’t seem like it? Come on guys ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!
Key Players: Ajdin Hrustic (of Bosnian and Romanian descent, he chose to play for Australia because his parents fled there to seek refuge), Garang Kuol (described as having “zero fear”, I like that vibe).
First Match: vs France 22 November @2pm
Kit Ranking: We always love their originality with their yellow and green “sporting colors” (too many red-white-blue I’ll say it!); these home kits are solid but the weird blotches aren’t really adding for me. As for the away??? Navy and seafoam green? What’s going on here?? 6/10
Denmark - The Red & Whites (ok lol)
Denmark has appeared in 5 Cups, with their best finish being the round of 16. The most famous Danish teams are the 1992 Euro team which won the euro cup, and the 1986 team, who won the hearts of the nation. Keep in mind this country p small (also it’s a lot of islands as it turns out!) and they are truly just happy to be here most times. Recently, they have been playing well (defeating France in several games). They also had a surprising performance in the 2020(1) Euros- making a STUNNING comeback in the face of near-tragedy on the field when Christian Eriksen collapsed and was DEAD for several minutes. WILD. And TRAUMATIZING. This only served to cement this team’s status as hometown heroes - as coach Kasper Hjulman said “We have two goals with this team: one is to win something, and the other is to inspire and unite our country. Right now …we’re doing that second part. The next step, of course, is to win”.
Key Players: Christian Eriksen at midfield (ManU), a talented striker now back in good health thanks to a pacemaker, Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg at midfield (Tottenham), Simon Kjaer (centerback), Joakim Maehle fullback (Udinese) and Kasper Schmeichel in goal.
First Match: Nov. 22nd vs Tunisia @8am
Kit Ranking: We’ve talked a lot about human rights and the conTROVersies involved in this cup, and teams were certainly in a tough spot- difficult to see how they can participate and make a statement while still respecting the strict rules of the Qatari organizers. Most teams are opting for… silence. BUT NOT DENMARK!!! Danish manufacturer Hummel was like NO JUSTICE NO PEACE and came out with these incredibly simple understated red home jerseys. Why? “At Hummel, we believe that sport should bring people together, and when it doesn't, we are eager to speak up and make a statement.. That’s why the new Denmark jerseys for the upcoming World Cup have been designed as a protest against Qatar and its human rights record...We don't wish to be visible during a tournament that has cost thousands of people their lives.” SAY IT LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK! And the away?? Black in MOURNING FOR THE MIGRANT WORKERS KILLED. 12/10 NO NOTES, 2 BONUS POINTS FOR THE ON THEME WARM UPS
Tunisia - the Carthage Eagles
Tunisia was still part of France when the World Cup was launched but since their independence they have appeared 6 times in the tourney, never going past the group stage. There’s a good amount of talent playing internationally, but the team has never really made a name for themselves. This squad has big ambitions, have been doing well in friendlies recently and would like to at least make it out of the group, but let’s be real here (it’s time to… BE REAL), this group is no cakewalk! Manager Jalel Kadri is known for his attacking style and will be running a 4-3-3 formation to capitalize on his attacking talent
Key Players: Ellyes Skhiri (FC Köln) at midfield, known for creating chances, Hannibal Mejbri (Birmingham), Dylan Bronn defender (Salertania)
First Match: Nov. 22nd vs Denmark @ 8am
Kit Ranking: The only Kappa kit, Tunisia’s jerseys utilize their Carthagian history with a geometric armor pattern. Tbh idk much about Carthage but it seems badass. The home and away are basically 2 sides of the same coin; something to be said for consistency but I’m not WOWed. 6/10
GROUP D PREDICTIONS:
France and Denmark should be able to easily qualify out of this group (inshallah), but France is going to want to win the group to a) get their momentum going and b) position themselves well for the knockout rounds.
See HERE for the rest of the teams. See HERE for info on the cup. See HERE for day to day updates. See HERE for a cute lil puppy.
