YOUR OFFICIAL GUIDE TO THE 2022 QATAR WORLD CUP
OMG guys it’s HERE We are in full Will Ferrell mode here we are BOUNCING UP AND DOWN IN OUR SEATS WITH EXCITEMENT because THE WORLD CUP IS BACK!!!!!!!!! The biggest sporting event in THE WORLD is touching down in Qatar for a MONTH and we have been burying ourselves in the books to prepare so that you don’t have to. You heard it here first- the 2022 Qatar World Cup is FOR THE GIRLS. Here’s what you can expect content-wise:
Part 1: WORLD CUP GUIDE & HOST COUNTRY HIJINKS (this post, the one you’re reading, right now, perfect)
Part 2: THE GROUPS (this will be broken into 2 posts, here and here, so as not to overload you with too much reading)
Part 3: IN TOURNAMENT DAILY UPDATES on our Instagrams (follow us @elenaperito, @katrinae8 to stay up to d8)
Part 4: PRE-ELIMINATION ROUND RECAP (in case you’re only in it for the knockout rounds, we’ll catch you up)
Part 5: WINNERS & LOSERS (our post-tournament rundown where we will crown our own champions)
Now, the real question, what even IS a World Cup?
The World Cup
It’s a real WHO’s WHO of the latest and greatest in international football. You’ll see big veteran superstars like Lionel Messi & Cristiano Ronaldo represent their countries against other soccer powerhouses like reigning champs France and all-time-most-winning Brazil (they’ve won 5), but you’ll also get a chance to see up and coming nations in the footy sphere like a small little country you’ve never heard of called THE UNITED FUCKING STATES OF AMERICA (not a joke we are actually kind of bad at this sport!) and potential wild cards like Ecuador, Tunisia, and South Korea. Don’t worry we’ll introduce you to everyone.
The Cup, which is put on by FIFA aka the governing body over the sport of football aka soccer, happens every 4 years, and has been happening since way back in the 1930s. The MODERN WORLD CUP has 32 teams, who are divided into 8 groups (A-H), where they compete for no. 1&2 spots to advance to the knockouts (they play each other group member once). Yes, we use VAR (Video assistant ref), yes it is controversial! From there, it’s just a reg old tournament (see: our post explaining the Euro) Getting through that many teams and games takes a month, with up to 4 games a day in the group stage. Typically, the cup involves a bit of traveling around the host country (seeing the SITES! which in Brazil meant…deep humid jungle), which adds in the additional consideration of rest vs travel, but don’t worry Qatar is VERY SMALL and VERY DRY, so there’s not too far to go.
To qualify, national teams compete in tournaments in their respective continental conferences (such as UEFA for Europe, CAF for Africa, ACF for Asia, CONCACAF for North/Central America, CONMEBOL for South America, and then one for Oceania). There are more spots for Europe (13), because, well, racism? Everyone else gets between 4-5 spots, and they all have their own process for that and they’re all confusing. What matters is they all made it here! Except for Italy, they didn’t.
The Dirty Details
Welcome to Qatar, home of this year’s world cup. Also home to a hot desert climate, which is why this tournament is taking place in November, rather than during the typical summer break window when the average Qatar temp is 122 degrees F (and conveniently when domestic soccer leagues are in their offseason). And yes that means the world cup will be competing with American football/basketball/I guess maybe hockey/thanksgiving/college sports/just a lot of stuff!
Qatar won the world cup by…paying for it! Haha we’re kidding but actually not at all- they were awarded the hosting duties way back in 2010, when Sepp Blatter (who was then fired for corruption) was in charge of FIFA, and basically Qatar paid a bunch of people off (including french president Nicki Sarkozy) to get them to vote in their favor (yes, it’s a voting thing, but it’s rigged. to say it’s undemocratic is the greatest understatement of the century). Blatter literally came out last week and was like “yea we should nooooooot have given them it…low key our bad lol”. Hosting the world cup is a huge deal— bringing in 32 national soccer teams and having them play in multiple stadiums and coordinating a bunch of logistics was enough to nearly bankrupt Brazil when they scammed their way into hosting in 2014. It’s similar to hosting the Olympics in that it comes with a level of responsibility and attention, and countries of late have been using it as a flashy distraction from their real problems/reasons other people don’t like them. More on that in a sec! Basically, Qatar bought the World Cup, and then in order to learn more about soccer (which they kinda suck at) they also bought Paris Saint Germain.
The Cup will take place from November 20th, 2022 (11am kick off to be precise) until December 18th. The group stage will be from the 22nd to Dec. 2, then we move to ELIMINATION ROUNDS. Some logistics- Qatar is 8 hours ahead of the East Coast (Dw we are sending Katrina on assignment to the time zone), so most games will be early/midday here. Also, and this is a pet peeve of ours, it’s pronounce kaTr, it’s a bunch of sounds we don’t have in English, but think of making like a clucking sound at the beginning and that will get you kinda close (or like, cut-er). Qatar is a Muslim-majority country with Sharia law, meaning that stuff like having sex outside of marriage can get you PUBLICLY FLOGGED??? ok um what??
The Controversies Section
Qatar, like every good Wikipedia era celebrity, has her fair share of problems (also like a celebrity, they rich af). Considering this is a tournament put on by the most corrupt governing body in all of sport (a title not easily won, considering they have the IOC to compete with!) should we be surprised? Beyond the drama of rigging the vote in the first place, Qatar has received a looooot of criticism in their preparation for the cup and, just in general, for all the shady ass shit they do, including, but not limited to:
Human Rights Abuses: The crown jewel Qatar’s collection of controversies is the gross mistreatment of migrant workers that has taken place in preparation for the cup. Most of the workforce that has powered the construction projects for the world cup (and who will power the actual world cup, and who power the country) come from Migrant Workers, who come to the country through a (now supposedly abolished) kafala system- essentially work sponsorship. This puts the workers in a kind of indentured servitude, going into debt to come to Qatar, and then being unable to make a living wage (they JUST got minimum wage- it’s like a dollar an hour), and then are trapped in that bureaucratic system and unable to switch jobs without permission of their employer (which is now technically illegal). From Amnesty International: “The system continued to yield powers to employers who oversee the entry and residence of migrant workers in Qatar, enabling abusive employers to cancel residency permits or file cases accusing their employee of absconding, jeopardizing migrant workers’ legal presence in the country.”
More than 6,500 migrant workers from India, Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka have died in Qatar since it won the right to host the World Cup 10 years ago (via The Guardian; according to Qatar: only 3). Despite claiming to commit to reforming their workforce laws, none of that has been enforced, and the environment remains dangerous and abhorrent.
Bribing Fan Representatives: Well, actually, we could amend that to bribing whoever the heck they feel like having on their side in the public eye. The NYT recently documented the Qatari government’s campaign to utilize influencers as a source of propaganda for the cup & the country, but basically they are using their many riches to shower gifts and trips and luxuries upon people (like Football Fan Federation presidents/leaders, soccer journalists, famous people like David Beckham, etc) in exchange for them promoting just how GREAT the cup is and how NOTHING is wrong and EVERYTHING in this country is super cool and nice!!!! (you won’t find those claims here because…we didn’t get an invite. AND we have integrity. but mostly the former) The claims of the NYT article were partially disputed, but contracts with the Qatari government reveal a strong implication that there is a quid pro quo there (something we know a little something about). Not taking the bribes? Dua Lipa, HUMAN RIGHTS QUEEN.
Being wholly unprepared to host a global event on a massive scale: As detailed here, Qatar has been rushing to complete a heck ton of huge construction projects to prepare the country, which btw is the size of your girls’ home state of Connecticut AKA SMALL (might start using that as a come back, like you think Connecticut is small? It’s the size of Qatar!), for the huge influx of visitors (they built a metro system, they plan to house fans in “villages” aka repurposed shipping containers and cruise ships, they built some fancy new stadiums and imported AMERICAN GRASS after a top Dutch turf org refused to be a part of this circus). Also, in case you missed all the Heineken ads (that’s life!)… the World Cup tends to have a lot of booze sponsors and alcohol is basically… not allowed. Look we’re not trying to force our way of life on people, but a match of footy requires a pint!! Still unclear how this will be handled vis-a-vis sponsors- yes it is literally the week of the cup and they’re still figuring out! Right now beer is okay but only if it’s not visible….ok????
Hating Gay People: Don’t google gay rights in Qatar…because baby there are none! Qatar really said miss me with that gay shit, and made it illegal. Ok great! There’s been some reports of Qatari officials using gay dating apps to trap & arrest members of the LGBTQ+ community as well which is… pretty horrible.
Hating Free Speech: As recently as 2020, the Emir of Qatar took action to limit free speech in the country, signing into law an amendment that authorizes the imprisonment of “anyone who broadcasts, publishes, or republishes false or biased rumors, statements, or news, or inflammatory propaganda, domestically or abroad, with the intent to harm national interests, stir up public opinion, or infringe on the social system or the public system of the state”. Cool! Given this, and in addition to the myriad of policies that limit freedom of expression in the country, Qatar is known to be an unsafe environment for journalists, and in general, anyone who isn’t willing to sing the praises of the government. Awesome!
Hating Women: Women’s rights are severely curtailed in Qatar by a guardianship system that is enforced by law & tradition. Women essentially must have a male guardian act as a steward for any of their decisions- be it in their career path or in their everyday life. Divorced women are unable to act as guardians for their children.
What does all this mean for us, the spectators of the beautiful game? Well, it’s hard to pretend we’re going to protest, because we’ll still be watching. We’re well aware that you don’t come here to be educated on world affairs (For more on the existential ethical dilemma, we encourage you to tune in to World Corrupt, a collab by Men in Blazers & Crooked Media), but soccer is a global game, and as fans of it we are obligated to acknowledge the concept of sports washing (i.e. using sports to glam up your international image, it’s like hiring the perfect PR team) and its role in our consumption of the sport itself. We’re not really believers in the concept of conscious consumerism, there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, but by being aware you’re already doing a lot! By speaking out against Qatar you’re doing even more (more than, specifically, anyone at Fox Sports has in the lead up to this event, or any of the fan leaders who got free trips and chose to sign away their right to talk shit about the cup, something we would DEFINITELY NOT SAID YES TO BUT YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST ASKED US @emirofqatar). Beyond that, you can always do your part by encouraging people in power to speak against such atrocities, and continue to educate others on the impact this event has, not only on the stupid little sport where we kick the ball around, but on the dynamics of international relations and the way in which we, as global citizens, interact with and take responsibility for one another.
Uh…Now what?
Ok that last section WAS a doozy, you’re right, but we still can have SOME fun with this world cup, we promise you. As the spiritual father pope JPII once said- football is the most important of the least important things. It’s FUN to watch sports and it’s thrilling to be a part of something, even when it comes with a little bit of baggage. Your job now is to make sure you take full advantage of our world cup guide by reading about the groups HERE and HERE, so that you can sound smart at watch parties and cheer on your team of choice (USA, France, Costa Rica, whomever you want baby it’s a choose your own adventure). Keep up with the daily schedule by following us on the gram (is this a plug to get more followers? no! instagram is trash we just want you to love soccer the way we do!). Watch the games on Fox Sports, or FS1, or FS2, or online, or on peacock, or at a BAR?!?! Drink 32 beers in honor of the 32 countries competing (BONUS POST coming later this week). Kiss someone when your team wins, like this commercial told us all to do during 2014 (the babies conceived then are now 8. Feel old yet?) Most of all, soak up the soccer while it’s here because before you know it we’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming (which is, to be honest, still a lot of soccer). See you all in the group stage!
