QATAR 2022: Groups E-H
Half of the groups done! I feel like we just got back from a commercial break in the middle of the Miss USA pageant: 25 states down, 25 to go, and no faith in humanity remaining. But! We still have some TOURNAMENT FAVORITES to cover, hot takes to share and be wrong about, spicy quotes from a certain 36 year old washed up striker, and at least one excellent team nickname ahead of us. For the highlights:
Jump to Group F Expectations
The final 16 teams:
GROUP E
Spain- La Roja/La Furia Roja
The RED FURY won the whole dang thing not too long ago back in 2010 (waka waka ey ey), and sandwiched that victory between back to back Euro Championships, but you don’t need us to tell you the world has changed a lot since then. They’re going to have to strike a balance between older experienced players and young talent to nail their traditional tika-taka style (fast, short passes, high tempo of play, fully controlling the game- commentators won’t shut up about this). Spain is ranked 7th in the world currently, and have done well in recent friendlies (beating Portugal & Croatia), hopefully they can improve upon their Round of 16 exit from Russia in 2018. Coach Luis Enriquez isn’t afraid of the pressure: in response to criticism he literally tweeting a table that compared his team’s performance to other top european squads, as if to be like “don’t come for me, I’m winning!”. He’s been to a few world cups as a player, but this will be his first with la Roja as a coach.
Key Players: Relying more upon young talent, Gavi (Barca) and Pedri (Barca) are both dizzyingly fast game changes who invigorate the team. David de Gea has been tossed aside in goal in favor of Unai Simon (Athletic Club). Also at the back: Aymeric Laporte (Man City, born in France and raised in Spain), and captain of the team Sergio Busquets.
First Match: Nov. 23rd vs Costa Rica @ 11am
Kit Ranking: I was expecting very little, they usually rock with some kind of yellow red simple combo, (you do see this in the home jersey--although they added navy accents,which I’m not obsessed with), but the away jersey is STUNNING. It’s channeling Park Güell, it’s the streets of Barcelona, it’s abstract and funky and I truly love it. 8/10
Costa Rica- Los Ticos
Los Ticos went on a run in the 2014 cup, achieving their best ever result by making it to the quarterfinals, and then in 2018 they couldn’t live up to that hype. This time around, they made the cut, after seriously struggling in CONCACAF qualifying, but six wins in seven matches and victories over Panama & New Zealand helped this ever hopeful team make it back. Sadly they’re in a pretty tough group with 2 European superpowers, but this team is made up of veterans of their golden generation and some promising kids hoping to make some magic happen. If there’s one place Luis Fernando Suarez’s team wants to shock the world, it’s on its biggest stage.
Key Players: Keylor Navas (PSG) in goal, an essential leader, 18 year old Jewison Bennette (Sunderland, that’s really his name don’t cancel us! also he has an earring???), Joel Campbell (part of the old guard)
First Match: vs Spain Nov. 23rd @ 11am
Kit Ranking: It’s not good, imho. It is both too simple AND too ugly. The cuffs on the sleeves look like suffocating KT tape on the biceps of these kings and it’s just not up to the standards the world cup demands. 2/10.
Germany- Nationalelf / Die Mannschaft
One of the biggest soccer countries, the German side has struggled against the pressure of that mantle in recent years. They flamed out at the group stage in Russia (granted, they were in the group of death, but that’s not really an excuse given their high level of play). They’re never TOTALLY failing, but you see these struggles in their inconsistency, and unless they figure out how to come together as ONE TEAM, they’re not going to be able to improve at this point. Further adding to my PERSONAL WOES, they fired 5th Beatle Joachim Low and brought in a new coach in August 2021, Hansi Flick, who makes up for not being the fifth Beatle by having an EXCELLENT name. Flick, coming over from million-time-reigning Bundesliga Champions Bayern Munich, plays a game of possession, control, and pressure, which would be a red flag if we weren’t talking about footy!
Key Players: Some oldies but goodies on this team- from Thomas Mueller in midfield to Manuel Neuer in goal (Bayern). Kai Havertz (Chelsea) & Serge Gnabry (Bayern) have worked to establish their roles on the team in recent tournaments, while 19 year old Jamal Musiala (Bayern), who chose to play for Germany over England, and 17 year old Youssoufa Moukoko (Dortmund) add a wildcard element.
First Match: vs. Japan Nov. 23th @ 8am
Kit Ranking: Adidas wins overall for their kit production this year, and though I was initially skeptical of the home kit, the gold crest and flag inspired collar accents really make this a winner. Channelling a traditional motif at home allowed them to get zany with the away, and though I’m not sure it works, I like that they branched out and I appreciate the throughline of gold. 8/10
Japan- Samurai Blue (My favorite nickname in the tournament)
The Samurai Blues cruised through qualifying (although, keep it in perspective Asia is not the most competitive football conference, especially considering a lot of objectively-in-asia former soviet republics choose to go as European bc racism and to try to get into the champions league, I AM LOOKING AT YOU KAZAKHSTAN), but as we said for the Ticos, this is a tough draw. This is their 7th world cup, and they made it out of the group stage last time, so head coach Hajime Moriyasu’s goal is the quarterfinals OR BUST baby! As more and more of their players develop over in Europe, Japan has emerged as a leader on their own continent, and will want to parlay that success to the tournament.
Key Players: Captain Maya Yoshida (Related to Paxton Hall Yoshida?), Takumi Minamino (Monaco) an attacking superstar, Kaoru Mitoma (Brighton) is an off-the-bench type of game changer.
First Match: vs. Germany Nov. 23 @ 8am
Kit Ranking: I love the vibrancy and life in these kits. Another big W for Adidas, the pattern takes inspo from the Sashiko stitching technique used in kimonos, which is very cool (also it kinda looks like paper airplanes? Idk it’s fun!) The away kit COULD be doing more, but I would be worried this 3-D glasses-esque pattern would overwhelm, so I am ok with it. 8/10
GROUP E EXPECTATIONS:
With superpowers like Spain and Germany in your group, you’ve got your work cut out for you (looking @ Japan & Costa Rica there). The match up between those two sides will decide the fate of the 1 vs 2 ranking (assuming they don’t blow it), but it also will be an exciting match up because they play very different games- Spain is fast and spicy, like a poison dart slowly paralyzing you, Germany is practical and efficient, boring into you like your dad telling a way-too-long story. How they will adapt to one another’s styles will let us know if either of these teams are actually title contenders.
GROUP F
Belgium- The RED DEVILS
Appearing in the Cup multiple times, the Devils had their best finish last time around in 2018, winning the runners-up match for 3rd place. The squad qualified for 2022 easily and are only getting better as we lead up to the cup. Coached by Roberto Martinez, the team plays a 3-4-3 formation, though have been known to be CRAZY and switch it up if the situation calls for it (as it did in the last cup). Martinez (a former player himself) is known for his close relationship with the players and for his intense strategic approach. This team’s depth is rivaled perhaps only by France— a star-studded cast that will have you saying “Wait, that guy’s Belgian?” (so many randomly Dutch/French names!)
Key Players: Striker Kevin De Bruyne (duh BROY nuh) (Man City), a man who’s ginger complexion perturbs me, goalkeeper Thibault Courtois (Real Madrid), a French speaking Belgian aka a WALLOON (this country continues to be hilarious), captain and winger Eden Hazard (Real Madrid)/his brother Thorgan Hazard (Dortmund), striker Romelu Lukaku (Inter Milan, on loan from Chelsea). See??? DEEP. It actually IS that deep bro.
First Match: vs Canada Nov 23 @2pm
Kit Ranking: WELCOME TO FLAVORTOWN BABY!!! This may be a HOT take but I LOVE THESE! In the past les Belges have opted to embrace argyle as their pattern (Sure! Why not!) which was nice but a bit preppy. This? This is DARING and INTIMIDATING!! The flames on the sleeves are evoking Guy Fieri in the best way. The away is also interesting, featuring a mosaic-y pattern in a collab with Tomorrowland festival (as if you needed more proof the designers were on drugs). I like it, but I feel like they could have done more? Too much of a disconnect between home and away, not enough brand consistency. 7.5/10
Canada - Les Rouges / the Maple Leaves / the Canucks
O! Canada! (the only appropriate way to start any of our Canada content). The Canadian team is in their sophomore appearance in the Cup, qualifying for the first time in 1986 (where they finished dead last) and not qualifying since. However, since they will be co-hosts along with USA USA USA and Mexico in 2026, a concerted effort is being made to improve before then, and thus here we are! The good news is, they’re here! The bad news is this group is STACKED with impressive teams and it’s going to be real hard for Canada to make it out of the group stages as Coach John Herman intends (“I’ll either be a zero or a hero”). He typically plays a 3-4-1-2 formation, which relies heavily on strong midfielders who basically have to hold down the fort. Canada loves to capitalize on the counterattack as well.
Key Players: Alphoso Davies (Bayern Munich) aka “the Road Runner” on the left side as an attacking midfielder, forward Jonathan David (Lille), forward Cyle Larin (some Turkish team- fun fact this guy wanted to be in goal and used to play in basketball shoes?)
First Match: vs Belgium Nov 23 @2pm
Kit Ranking: For reasons we don’t understand (probably coming down to “not being very good in the past”), Canada is not on the same kit renewal schedule as everyone else so they didn’t get new kits for the World Cup. Instead, they literally just have the same team unis any random team could order, a missed opportunity to showcase their unique leaf motif. 1/10 for phoning it in
Morocco- The Atlas Lions
Making their 6th appearance in the World Cup, the Atlas Lions have navigated their way to Qatar with seeming ease (makes sense given their name) as the only African team undefeated in qualifying. However, this team is also a messy bitch who lives for drama, and the lockerroom was TENSE because of issues with previous coach Vahid Halilhodzic and players, causing the fans to turn on them as well. Morocco recently (3 months ago) hired Walid Regragui to replace Halildozic, and it’s difficult to say what effect he’ll have on the team, especially given his changing strategy which tends to vary greatly depending on the opponent. While the team boasts some big names, it also suffers from a lack of attacking power, an inability to finish and an injury-weakened defensive line.
Key Players: right back who’s been killin’ it Achraf Hakimi (PSG), winger Soufiane Boufal (Angers), keeper Yassine Bounou(Sevilla)
First Match: vs Croatia Nov 23 @5am
Kit Ranking: Morocco has 2 big problems- Puma is their kit provider so they have a weird ass design, and their flag colors are VERY Christmassy. The home is boring, the away has an interesting circle thing but it’s not GIVING for me. Overall boring. 4/10
Croatia- Vatreni aka The Blazers (???)
Qualifying consistently since 1998 (when they started existing! And finished 3rd), Croatia had their best showing in 2018 where they were runners up to France. Expectations are HIGH for them to make another deep run this year, as they’re bringing back most of their side from ’18. Coach Zlato Dalik (DALEK!! EXTERMINATE) favors a 4-3-3 formation, relying heavily on the attacking prowess of Luka Modric to score goals. Every section of this formation has talented players; it’s difficult to highlight any real weaknesses. They will present a formidable opponent to anyone they come across and they’re motivated to go all the way!
Key Players: Luka Modric (Real Madrid), one of the most famous examples of a man who doesn’t know how to wear a headband correctly, defender Josko Gvardio (Leipzig), defender Josip Stanisic (Bayern), Ivan Perisic at forward(Tottenham) and forward Nikola Vlasic (known for not being a pickle and having horrible hair choices) SO MANY MORE NO TIME TO NAME THEM
First Match: vs Morocco Nov 23 @5am
Kit Ranking: Croatia is known for their distinctive checkerboard pattern, and this year is no different. The home utilizes the traditional red/white checks but places them artfully around the shirt, cutting the pattern and introducing white space for visual interest. A fresh take on a classic! The Aways are also a twist, including navy/aqua checks meant to imitate the Adriatic waters. While I appreciate the differentiation, not sure I love the wavy gradient, very Powerpoint circa 2006. But it is a choice! 8/10
GROUP F PREDICTIONS:
Every year there’s a “group of death” and Group F makes the case that it’s them. Both Canada and Morocco are strong sides that hope to make it out of the group stages, but faced with both the bronze (Belgium) and silver (Croatia) medalists from Russia 2018, both who are returning much of their squads, it promises to be a challenge. Croatia and Belgium both have big ambitions and will be working to win the group outright.
GROUP G
Brazil - A Seleção (The Selection)
To know Brazil is to fear them. They are the most-winningest (don’t tell me that superlative is fake idc) team in the world cup, with FIVE STARS on their jerseys and enough attacking talent to make the best goalkeepers shake in their boots. Would they have loved to win when they hosted in 2014? Sure! Would they love to win now? Even more sure, since a lot of the players we know and love are getting up there in age (like, almost 30! Practically dead!) and it feels like there is so much potential here. They’re the type of team that could probably win this without breaking a sweat (coming in ranked as #1), but will probably lose because we make plans and the gods laugh down at us! Manager Tite (get used to these dudes either having 10 names or only 1) recognized that they’ve failed to capitalize on the flair and creativity of their players in recent showings. To make up for that their strategy for this cup seems to be: Fuck it, we’re scoring goals; They named NINE STRIKERS to their 26 man roster, NINE!!!!!!
Key Players: Controversy/Injury/Flop prone Neymar (PSG) who is simultaneously one of the most overrated/ underappreciated/ expensive players in the world, has been on a tear so far this season and is in his best shape in years. Goals may also come from Dancing Queens Vini Jr. & Rodrygo (Real Madrid), or Gabriel Jesus (Arsenal). Goalkeepers Ederson (Man City) & Allison (Liverpool) and Captain Thiago Silva (Chelsea) round out the slim defense.
First Match: vs. Serbia Nov. 24th @2pm
Kit Ranking: Brazil have a lot to work with in their vibrant flag, but often yellow comes across a little icky. Not here! There is a jaguar print blending into the home jersey that is a nod to the Amazon rainforest and we LOVE it. The away kit sticks with that theme but using blue/green, which sadly comes across as kinda tacky, and takes away from the composite score. 7/10
Serbia - The Eagles
We talk a lot of shit about Serbia and their checkered past, but in the context of Qatar, this is a perfect little innocent nation just here to play some footy! And they’ve had a fun time doing it- they really thrived in the notoriously difficult European qualifying, winning their group over favorites Portugal (who are currently ranked 9th). They’re a good team on paper, and can definitely score goals with their lethal attacking duo at the front. Manager Dragan Stojkovic (don’t ask me how to pronounce that) said hes “a coach who likes to play attractive, inventive football” which like…ok? Should I put that on my dating profile? I’m a girl looking for an attractive, inventive boyfriend?
Key Players: Striker duo Dusan Vlahović (Juve) and Aleksandar Mitrović (Fulham) are a lethal attack, but the heart of this team is in the big three defenders at the back: Milenković (Fiorentina), Veljoković (Bremen) and Pavlović (Salzburg). Friendly pro tip for pronunciation: ć is pronounced as a -ty kind of sound (there isn’t an english equivalent, but think the t at the beginning of TUNE) whereas č is like a ch sound.
First Match: vs Brazil Nov. 24th @2pm
Kit Ranking: Not everyone can be flashy, and so I’m ok with Serbia going solid here. Their red is also very rich to me, almost velvety, and unlike with Costa Rica, the cuff color works well. They’re again at a disadvantage because of Pumas choices, but the gold in the away is nice for consistency. A miss for me here is the inclusion of the “serbian crosses” because they kinda just look like weird stars, also kinda sectarian, it doesn’t feel fully developed as a concept. 6/10
Switzerland- The A Team/ The Rossocrociati
Currently ranked 15th in the world, Switzerland looks the best they have in years. In recent European Nation’s league matches, they’ve notched impressive wins over Spain, Portugal, and the Czechs: they’re getting good at the right time. This hot streak is reassuring for a side that has experienced instability in their leadership in the last year- coach Vlad Petrovich (villain name) left suddenly in 2021 despite being under contract, and new manager Murat Yakin has had to restore team confidence and right the ship. This is the side’s 5th consecutive world cup, but they’ve never made it past the quarterfinals, and this compact defensive team might be their ticket to do so.
Key Players: Granit Xhaka (Arsenal), though getting up there in age, is the rock of this team. Noah Okafor (Salzburg) is a player to watch, Xherdan Shaqiri (Chicago Fire) is a veteran gamechanger. (so many X names!!)
First Match: vs. Cameroon Nov, 24th @8am
Kit Ranking: Switzerland has one of the most distinctive flags (and it’s one of the few that’s a square!) and that’s a big branding opportunity. They do not do enough with it. This kit is a perfect example of that- gradually thickening stripes? Why? 4/10
Cameroon- The Indomitable Lions
Last year Cameroon hosted the African Cup of Nations, and went on a spectacular run all the way to the semifinals, where they lost in penalties to Egypt. If you didn’t pick up on this- there were a LOT of penalty shootouts at AFCON, including in the third place match up where Cameroon beat Burkina Faso. In recent years, Cameroon has become known as one of the most consistent and powerful African football nations, partially thanks to their players heading to European academies/clubs to develop. However, within that extended success has been controversy and corruption, and the national football federation embarked on a serious rebrand in 2021- an attempt to give football back to the players, whatever that means. Former team captain Rigobert Song has taken the coaching job and wants this team to be PROUD OF WHO THEY ARE. Despite all their talent, it has not been easy for them to get here (African qualifying VERY competitive, they barely beat Algeria to snag their seat), and recent friendlies have resulted in losses to the Uzbekhs and South Koreans.
Key Players: Captain Vincent Aboubakar (who plays in Saudi Arabia) wants to be a role model for the team. Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting (Bayern) is an older forward who can still make a difference on the attack, but Napoli midfielder Andre-Frank Ambo Anguissa will be the one setting the tone.
First Match: vs. Switzerland Nov. 24th @5am
Kit Ranking: With Nigeria missing from this tournament, there is a huge space to fill in terms of top African kit, and up until this year, Cameroon looked poised to take that title. Unlike England, they HAVE incorporated the lion motif in the past, and yet Nike pulled away from that here and went for more of a warrior vibe. I don’t HATE it, I just think it’s a missed opportunity. 6/10
GROUP G PREDICTIONS:
Cameroon have their work cut out for them in terms of escaping this group. I’d argue it’s the closest thing we have to a group of death (I know Katrina JUST told you it was group F, but hear me out), because besides Brazil, I don’t have a favorite for this group. Serbia and Switzerland will be gunning for second place, but if either of them can hold Brazil to a draw, I have no clue where we’ll be with these teams. It’s definitely a spot to watch, because (if Cameroon get their act together in time), every single game should be competitive.
GROUP H
Portugal - A Seleção (the Selection like Brazil), Os Navegadores (The Navigators)
Well-known for their international footballers, Portugal has a deep pool of talent to draw from and is known as a soccer strong nation. They’ve had a consistent presence at the Cup for many years, with their best finishes being 3rd in 1966, and more recently 4th in 2006. The current Portugal era was most triumphant in the 2016 Euro cup, defeating France in the final (when Ronaldo got carted off crying). Coached by the legendary Fernando Santos aka The Engineer, the Portugal team uses a 4-3-3 formation and relies heavily on their strikers (see below). Though they had a strong showing in qualis, they recently dropped a Nations League (the fake friendly league for Euro teams) game to Iberian rival Spain, which really pissed off fans and caused them to question The Engineer’s style, which many deem too old school and conservative. The big question about this year’s team is: how will they incorporate the institutional knowledge of the veterans with the young talent coming up that will be the future of the team?? It’s a transition year but they have BIG ambitions and look to make a solid showing in this Cup
Key Players: THE ICON, CR7 Cristiano Ronaldo at forward (Man U, but not for long)- while some say at age 37, it’s time for Ronaldo to hang up his boots, he has maintained that he plans on staying with the Portugal team through Euro 2024. He is currently the highest all-time goalscorer in international football EVER, so underestimate him at your peril. Besides him, we have striker Diogo Costa (Porto), forward Rafael Leo (AC Milan), left back Nuno Mendes (PSG), centerback/defender Ruben Dias (Man City), midfielder Bernardo Silva (Man City), right back Joao Cancelo (Man City), midfielder Ronaldo Sanches (PSG), and Ronaldo’s current teammate/rival in penalty taking/outspoken king Bruno Fernandes
First Match: vs Ghana, Nov 24 @11am
Kit Ranking: Similar to Morocco, Portugal has the Christmassy issue, but they usually manage to incorporate it in a way that works. The diagonal division on the home kit mimics the blocks of color on the flag, it’s working for me but it’s nothing incredible. Meanwhile the away- so boring, just literally copy-pasted the flag on. This is a big disappointment especially when you know about the bold choices they’ve made in the past (stripey green for instance). 3/10
South Korea- Taegeuk Warriors (the Taegeuk is that thing in the middle of their flag), Tigers of Asia
Joining us for the 11th time at the World Cup (best finish was 4th as cohosts in 2002), the Taegeuk Warriors have typically had more success in the Olympics (bronze in 2012) than they have on the World Cup stage. Though they’ve seen the emergence of several international stars recently (see below) but have faced disappointment in the last 2 cups. They still cite their 2-0 group stage victory over Germany (aka the Miracle of Kazan) as a point of pride, despite the fact that they didn’t end up getting out of the group. The team has also suffered from inconsistency in coaching (6 coaches between 2010 and 2018). Now coached by former Portuguese international Paulo Bento, the team favors a 4-1-3-2 or 4-3-2-1 system, with attacking midfielders as the cornerstone of the strategy.
Key Players: Center forward Son Heung-min (Tottenham) known for his skill in “dead ball” situations, Jeong Wooyeong (Bayern Munich) attacking midfielder
First Match: vs Uruguay, Nov 24 @8am
Kit Ranking: The home isn’t wowing me with the red, though I do think the tiger stripes on the shoulders are a nice touch. The away however is leaning in to the retro 90s vibes, it’s making me think of the carpet at a bowling alley- in the best way. 6/10
Ghana- the Black Stars
After qualifying for 3 tourneys in a row (2006, 2010, 2014) with their top finish being the quarterfinals in South Africa, the Black Stars disappointingly missed out on 2018 and their chances for 2022 were looking grim after they bombed out of AFCON earlier this year. The team promptly fired their coach and replace him with Otto Addo (formerly of Borussia Dortmund) who was able to right the ship and get Ghana qualified for Qatar. Though the team has been very inconsistent, they do have talent and utilize a 4-3-3 or 4-3-2-1 formation with a heavy emphasis on defense (where they really shine). The Stars are also a very young team which could work for or against them depending on the opponent! Though they may be relative newbies, don’t sleep on Ghana, who could easily make a strong run here.
Key Players: Veteran Andre Ayew (Al-Sadd in QATAR smh he’s just in it for the money ), centerback Daniel Amartey (Copenhagen), attacking midfielder Mohammed Qudus (Ajax)
First Match: vs Portugal Nov 24 @11am
Kit Ranking: I just feel like African teams (Nigeria) have set the bar so high and there is so much POTENTIAL and yet…sigh. Again a Puma kit automatically -3 points; the home white is not so offensive and I like the flag on the sleeves, but the away red isn’t really pushing the fashion envelope. I feel like the Black Star motif could have really been utilized here. 4/10
Uruguay- La Celeste
Some might call Uruguay “The OGs” - they’ve been here from the start and were the first ever champions, also winning in 1950. Uruguay are always a force to be reckoned with, and this year will be no different, even if the qualis were a bit of a rough ride for the Sky Blue. Following this strug, they fired their longtime coach Oscar Tabarez aka El Maestro in favor of Diego Alonso, who has brought in some new yüt to freshen up the squad (two key players, Cavani and Suarez, are over 35 so the team needs some backup blood). Alonso is still adapting his formation but the team has been responsive to whatever he puts in place; he seems to have their full support.
Key Players: Midfielder and captain Federico Valverde (Real Madrid), striker Darwin Nuñez (Liverpool), veteran forward Edinson Cavani (Valencia, formerly of PSG) who may be a bit past his prime but still out here reminding us that he also doesn’t know how to wear a headband, striker Luis Suarez (formerly of Liverpool, Ajax and Atletico Madrid, he returned home to play professionally in Uruguay to prep for the cup), known for his diving and biting prowess
First Match: vs South Korea, Nov 24 @8am
Kit Ranking: Another Puma kit, but honestly not too bad. The home is making me think of a polo, like a clean country club look, meanwhile the away has decided to be controversial by adding vertical stripes in the middle, which, combined with the colors, are giving ARGENTINA (local rivals). Awkward!! I think more could have been done here, but overall a pretty clean look. 6/10
GROUP H PREDICTIONS:
Anything other than winning the group will be seen as a failure for Portugal; Uruguay promises to be fighting right alongside them. It seems that if Ghana can get their act together, they could try to make a run here, but it’s a tough group with no gimme matches.
See HERE for the rest of the teams. See HERE for info on the cup. See HERE for day to day updates. See HERE for a cute lil puppy.
