Super League or Suicide Squad?
Graphic Design is my passion :)
If you read our soccer posts, we’re going to assume you have not had your head completely in the sand over the past week as the soccer world EXPLODED in response to the announcement of the European Super League. This is, not to be dramatic, kinda like the worst thing that could happen for European soccer? OR EVEN SOCCER IN GENERAL? It feels like they really should have talked to us about it first? ( there are marketing firms doing focus groups all the time on like, what do you like better, smooth or crunchy PB?? hmmm interesting note that for the file and YET?? no one talked to any fans about this??) While Juventus has long been pushing for either a Champion’s League on Saturdays or something else to make anyone watch them play (it’s lonely at the top of your lame italian league, bello), the rest of the teams just outright betrayed their home countries, and went against the wishes of their fans. If you’re wondering who MADE this decision, despite it being against everyone’s wishes, well, it was the Kroenkes and all their billionaire friends! This is what happens when Americans come in! They corrupt perfect red headed princes and ruin the royal family! Or the soccer teams whatever we’re talking about!! (Although speaking of, literally PRINCE WILLIAM came out with a strongly worded statement about this- that’s right, he will stand up for soccer but not against racism smh)
So this big hot news drops Monday (at like MIDNIGHT Europe time?) UEFA meets to debut changes to the champions league the next day, and then a bunch of teams BACK OUT of the Super League like 15 year girls figuring out what a pregnancy pact really entails. After a h*ck ton of backlash from players, pundits, FIFA, and mostly, fans, all around the world, the people at the clubs were like wait what??? they didn’t like our idea?!?!?! And then it pretty much collapsed in a blaze of shame. Personally I am a little bit dizzy!
Just to briefly explain why this is a big deal, as you all know, we have two main competitions going on in Europe in the world of private soccer (i.e I’m not talking about the official national teams and the Euro, or those random ones like the FA Cup where it’s all made up and the points don’t matter): domestic league and CHAMPIONNNNS (read that as if I sang it please). The whole point of the Champions’ League is IN THEORY any team can be in it! and every year it’s different! (because as you will recall, depending on how good your domestic league is, the top 2 or top 4 teams make the Champions League for the next year). What that means is that in practice, yeah, it’s often the same teams (because they have the best players all da cash etc) but IN THEORY it could be anyone! Even you! (jk not you sorry). Even just making the league means tons more TV time and MONAYYY for your club. This is great for lil clubs in random ass leagues! Since it’s based on your success in the domestic league, it means you have to try in those matches to get the top spot (I mean unless apparently you’re PSG and you just do the bare minimum to skate into Champions mais bref). This Super League would upend all that by making a PERMANENT selection of top teams. No more fun competition to get into the league! No room for lil mom n pop teams! This would completely upend how teams treat their domestic leagues and would make the Champions league a JOKE. (In the owners POV, it’s creating a safer system where they are guaranteed a return on their investment, guaranteed top matchups, etc etc. Like, ya, know, AMERICAN FOOTBALL). You also have to understand that soccer in Europe is really founded on this idea of earning your spot, whether that be in the Champions or even in your domestic league. Finish last in your league? Sad for you now you relegated! The idea of some sort of permanent league based on just whoever has the most money deeply offended fans everywhere!! (All fans are socialists and all owners are capitalists and this conflict is the crux of the sport. In this essay I will…). If you want to hear more about this, you can listen to the lovely Scouse tones of Rory Smith on the NYT Daily podcast today, or check out the Ringer’s great takes here and here Or you know, you can find some memes :
In the Champion’s League…
While there were no games this week (Road to Istanbul continues April 27th & 28th), and the news about the aforementioned Super League sort of ran the news cycle, UEFA did pass new rules ramping up the UCL that should be noted. Instead of the early stages of the Champions League being set up as a group stage, where teams play the other 3 teams in their group twice, they are expanding the field to basically make it like a domestic league, where any team can play one another. Obviously this will be rigged to ensure the juiciest match ups, but it also means a team, say, PSG, will not face the same opponent twice, but rather more opponents: they will play 10 different teams. Qualifying for the round of sixteen will be determined by ranking in the same way teams are ranked in their domestic league tables: i.e, wins are worth 3pts, draws worth 1, losses 0, and, if tied on points, it goes to goal differential. Basically, instead of the UCL feeling like a tournament, like the world cup, it’s attempting to make itself into more of an actual league.
Also, a friendly reminder that UEFA, despite being anti-super league like the rest of us, IS NOT A GOOD GUY. They are still a villain! Do not trust this fugly slut!
In England…
Can y’all believe Jose Mourinho literally got fired from like his 4th EPL club and it’s not even a top headline this week!?!?!?!!? We live in unprecedented times! The Spurs finally got tired of their coach working part time as a docu-star for Amazon, cut their losses, and now they’re starting from zero. They’ve got some big decisions to make to find a new coach, and will have to fight to hold on to Harry, Son, Bale, goalkeeper Hugo Lloris, AND Dele, which is MOST of their offense currently. Man United continued their tear as they go for second place: they haven’t lost a premier league game since JANUARY. In more super league news, you may have heard about Leeds facing off against Liverpool wearing some incredible warm up shirts. There also was supposed to be a meeting of EPL Captains re: the super league, which I imagine is a lot like a chapter meeting for a frat party.
In France…
PSG (who we are not praising re: not being a part of the super league because you know for a fact they were just waiting to see if everyone else got kicked out of UCL so that they would win it. They would join the super league 100% guys), eked out a win vs. St. Etienne (or ASSe, as we say) thanks to, as always. Mbappe, and Icardi in the last moments of the game. PSG was clearly tired from their midweek battle vs. Bayern, and didn't expect St. Etienne to put up the fight that they did. Monaco, our goal scoring sweethearts, continued their reign of terror by just destroying poor little Bordeaux (who, in case you're wondering, is not doing great, similar to the vines in their vineyards after an impromptu April deep freeze). ALSO, literally TODAY as we were about to publish this post, the (American) owners of bordeaux decided to be like “we out” and now the club is…FLAILING?!?!? Now the club is under protection of the Bordeaux Commercial Court, which makes us wonder…should we…buy this club???? Donations accepted! Other french soccer updates: Lille struggled against Montpellier, who is a solid squad known for challenging top teams, and only came away with a draw. They remain on top just one point ahead of PSG (who have 69 points...nice) and face off against Lyon this Sunday night which should be a thriller. Lyon could overtake Lille with a win, and, with a loss, they could slip out of top three contention definitively.
In Germany…
You may notice that 0 german leagues are a part of the founding members of the artist formerly known as the super league, well, that's because in the bundesliga a team is at least 52% owned by their fans. It's almost as if...the fans...didn't WANT a super league? Anyway, since they were out of the main drama in the soccer world this week, the bundesliga boys were on the quieter side, the real battle happening mid-table as Dortmund vies for a spot in European play. Frankfurt will be losing their coach, an announcement that came right before a rough game against Gladbach. RB Leipzig, the only team that has attempted to challenge the Bayern Dynasty, has shown itself to be a good team capable of winning, but not quite at the level they need to be at. They are consistently toothless in their attack, and I am not referring to the cute little animated dragon here.
In Spain…
Ah La Liga, home to SUPER LEAGUE PRESIDENT and teams who were financially ruined long before they had a global pandemic to blame it on. Barcelona looked at the super league like it was not a team but a sitcom character who needs to raise 400 million euros to save the theater and the league was a serendipitous talent show giving away the winner exactly that much cash. Barça, lost in its financial woes, failed to see that the answer to their problems was not to join legions with the villains of Real but to invest in itself and count on the FANS but, again, the simulation doesn’t work that way. On the soccer side of things, they did win the Copa del Rey, which means nothing, as they still sit in fourth behind Sevilla. Real really should have won their game over the weekend, but made up for it by dunking on Cadiz midweek. Atletico, a perfect example of how a team can rise up and build itself into something, leads the league and should have an easy enough schedule to sneak out on top.
In Italy…
I listened to a podcast that was, in no uncertain terms, in desperate need of a better editor, but I am sticking with it because they had an entire section of their podcast about the MEMES OF THE LEAGUE. Now if you're thinking reading memes from twitter doesn’t translate to an audio format... you're not totally wrong. ANYWAY. In the Italian league this week, Juventus became the last girl left at the Super League Party, but perhaps more tragically, they lost Chiesa to an injury, which is incredibly damaging for the way their midfield play. Also they lost to Atalanta, who despite clawing its way to the near top of Serie A and consistently being a top-4 threat the past few years, was not invited to the Super League. Rude! Napoli failed to capitalize on opportunities in a key match up against Inter Milan, taking away a single point. The other Milan, or as we say in New Orleans, MY-lan, nearly lost to Genoa (the salami guys) which resulted in their twitter fans freaking out. More exciting news: it was a week full of penalties and own goals which are a sore way to lose or win a match but goals none the less! The Lazio- Benevento game had both: Two own goals (both by the benes), two penalties (one for each), and a goal in the 6th minute of stoppage time at the end of the game. It almost makes ya want to...watch the league????
In a whirlwind of a week in soccer news, we are still spinning. While the Super League may have fallen apart, the question remains what will come of all this. Even from the beginning, many questioned whether the league was a bluff to force UEFA to make concessions, but if the top teams don’t want this, what do they want? A super league may still be coming, like a Zack Snyder cut of Justice League that somehow found two more hours of movie to fit in (yeah, we know apparently it’s good but like, so long omg) There is too much money involved, and billionaire owners want a return on their investment. Is there a path forward for soccer as we know it? Only time will tell, and until then, we’ll be here, drinking in tribute to the memory of the Super League.
