SURVIVOR: Soccer Relegation Edition
Domestic soccer is winding down in Europe, with three leagues already announcing champions and less than three weeks of play remaining. You all may ask yourselves, but girls, WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT YOU!? Well rest assured we’re not going anywhere, especially with a spicy NWSL season ahead at home and, back in europe, THE EUROOOSSSSSSS. (A Tournament that France definitely missed its chance to win last time).And then the OLYMPICS! probably! or not? But! Until then, the race continues to Champion’s League placements and we’ve still got some TITLE RACES on our hands. Also, at the bottom end of the table, teams are fighting to Outplay Outscore Outlast and SURVIVE into next season. Let’s break it down.
In The Champions League…
While we wait for the UCL final (ROAD TO CONSTANTINOPLE ISTANBUL PORTO), which has been relocated to Portugal (sucks to still be living in that pre-vax world!), the drama is unfolding in domestic leagues. Teams like, idk, Arsenal, are mourning the fact that they won’t play in Europe next season (sucks to suck gunners!), and the teams sitting comfortably on top are just watching everyone (liverpool) scramble for the rest of the spots.
Man City, Bayern, and Inter Milan watching the world burn around them as everyone races to qualify for next year’s UCL. (fun fact the girl in this meme just sold an NFT of it for 500k)
In The Premier League…
You can all UN brace yourselves, because we do not have any riots, protests, or general upheaval to report in this week’s fixtures, just regular old soccer! (booooooooo the revolution will not be televised i guess!!)Last week, we told y’all to tune into Man City- Chelsea for a preview of the UCL final and the match did not disappoint (or maybe, just maybe, my standards are low because I expected this match to be on peacock and when it wasn’t I was just so STARVED for soccer that I was thrilled with mediocrity. Who can say!). It was tied up at fun to fun (1-1) for most of the match (thrilling as always!) until a late chelsea goal won the day. And by late we mean, literally the last minute of the game in stoppage time. Kids, don’t try this in school! Turn in your assignments on time!
Pundits will tell you Thomas Tuchel has transformed and motivated Chelsea in just a few months (which like, kind of rude? Does he just hate Paris???), but what they WON’T admit is that the Chelsea blue is reaaaallly not his color. (he doesn’t have the complexion!!) Despite this loss, Man City OFFICIALLY became EPL champs this week (cue a chorus of boos), when Man United (in 2nd) lost to Leicester. (on a random side note, apparently Connor MacGregor, notorious trash person and UFC fighter, wants to buy part of ManU which, of course he does, he is the worst, they are the worst, it fits) If you’re wondering why another team losing makes man city win, well, it’s a stupid system. When there are no playoffs to determine a winner, it just becomes a question of “is it possible for anyone to overtake the team in first”, which results in a lot of anticlimactic celebrations and winning on one’s day off/ weeks before the end of the season. However, since there are no playoffs, the season doesn’t get dragged out for years like in US sports, so, pros and cons!
In LESS celebratory moods: Tottenham, who lost to Leeds 3-1 (thanks partially to a disallowed Harry Kane goal, via VAR), and are in desperate need of a step-dad to come in a parent them back to playing well. They’re probs not playing the UCL now, and need to look to rebuild this summer.(come on you spurs) Also, RIP to some real ones: Fulham, West Brom, and Sheffield United, who will be relegated to the 2nd tier of English soccer in a few short weeks. While we could not tell you where any of these places are, we’ll always remember the good times (read: watching the hot dude on Sheffield last year before he got traded and the team went downhill).
BONUS! In League One…
AFC Wimbledon’s Don’t Forget To Be Awesome branded shorts
Ok so, you may or may not know this, but England, like most European countries, actually has multiple tiers of professional football. Like playing in the minors for baseball, or, if you for some reason keep up more with American football, it’s like playing in the USL vs. MLS But! As we learned about from Ted Lasso and the super league drama, European models have a promotional and relegational (made that word up) system, so you get rewarded for playing well and growing etc etc (the US model doesn’t have this- the minor teams stay minor forever, which is kinda sad, and also we are stuck with the Jets forever…tragic). All of this to say that, while the Premier League is the TOP tier of English football, there is then the Championship (2nd tier, not to be confused with the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE idk why anyone would find that confusing, very clear), then League One (3rd Tier) (obviously yes this tracks) and League Two (4th Tier. Yes, this is dumb). OUR League One Team, (also supported notably by John Green & Nerdfighteria) AFC Wimbledon used to be a Premier League team and the owners pulled some Stan Kroenke shit and moved the team to Milton Keynes, so the fans started up another team, entirely fan owned, which rose up through the ranks of amateur football to make it to League One, where they have been on THE STRUGGLE BUS. (like literally every game was touch and go) BUT GOOD NEWS! They survived this season with a few games to spare! So shout out to them, and sorry for the tangent but aren’t you happy to have learned a little something? You’re Welcome !
In Ligue 1…
LILLE COULD WIN THE LEAGUE!?!?!? I know we’ve been teasing this for literally weeks (months? idk fam, the farmers league doesn’t produce that much interesting content for us to parrot back at you), but with PSG drawing Rennes this past weekend and Lille winning their match, the Parisian side is running out of time to catch up. PSG did have a solid week in some other ways: They re-signed Neymar through 2025 (although then he was quoted saying he wants to play with Ronaldo, so, unclear what that means), and they had an exciting Coupe de la Ligue match (one of those fun ones that doesn’t count for anything) against Montpellier yesterday that ended in a PENALTY SHOOTOUT and a PSG victory. This week the boys play Reims (pronounced like REIHNS, almost like you’re saying rinse in a really nasally back of the throat french way), which is different from Rennes (pronounced like it’s spelled, for once)— come for the hot takes, stay for the phonetics lesson! Our friends over at France Bleu 100% PSG were DISGUSTED with PSG’s UCL play and are tired of them acting like CHILDREN who don’t get their way when they lose. To quote one commentator, “I am going to send Angel di Maria to time out for that behavior.” As the league wraps up, we’ll soon be heading into the “mercado” period (that means MARKET in Spanish, it’s when they buy and sell players), speculation abounds about the PSG lineup. Is Mbappé going to sign a longer contract? Will the Qataris EVER INVEST IN A DAMN MIDFIELDER??? Only time will tell.
In Das Bundesliga…
Did y’all hear Bayern won their 9th title? Well they decided to continue celebrating by trouncing Mönchengladbach (a different team, apparently, from Gladbach) (doesn’t matter, can’t pronounce either) 6-0 over the past weekend. Lewandowski (the star who was notably absent when PSG beat Bayern a month ago) is on a quest to beat Gerd Mueller’s (a different Mueller than the one currently playing on Bayern) record of 40 goals on the season. (I’m starting to think Germans are not very original in their naming conventions) His hat trick on Saturday brought him up to 39, with a few games to spare. The other thing that almost resembles intrigue in the German league is the flip flopping of coaches: You may remember that Bayern’s coach is leaving (presumably to take the nat’l team gig), and now, the RB Leipzig coach is hopping into the Bayern shoes. RB is then going to snag a coach from their sister team in Salzburg (Austria, the OTHER bundesliga), because nepotism! Red Bull has so many sports teams I’m starting to wonder if they even make product anymore? Has anyone had a Red Bull recently?
In La Liga…
The most title race of title races rages on!!!! (bar is admittedly low right now) Over the weekend, Barca, Real and Atletico all had opportunities to make a play for the table— Barca facing off against current leader Atletico and Real facing off against 4th place Sevilla, and unsurprisingly, BOTH matches ended in draws! Soccer: never a dull moment! Atletico has been looking lackluster as of late, but they did play very well in the first half, just failed to capitalize (i.e. score). It’s actually looking like the victor won’t be crowned until the last game of the season…a nail-biter! There is also a relegation race at the bottom of the table, where 6 teams are vying for their safety, but I will not be listing those six team because I know you don’t really care that much (tbh nor do we). DO know that there were some controversial calls in those games (bottom of the table games, that is) that people are FIRED UP about. Pero es normal es en ESPANA! Caliente!!!! ALSO Very important to note that La Liga just brokered a BIG MONEY contract with ESPN meaning you will be able to watch it on real tv next season!!!! Shout out to the fellas in the board room on this one, I don’t know how you convinced ESPN to drop such a chunk of change on a league where all the top teams are bankrupt and the biggest star in the world is packing a knapsack and running away in the middle of the night but…kudos!
In Serie A…
Mamma maglione! The drama for Champion’s League spots is causing some Sopranos level cutthroatedness (another word I just made up). Juventus made an ass of themselves (when don’t they) this past weekend losing by 3 to AC Milan (the other milan, not Inter). Even after a win yesterday, they’re sitting in 5th place, which has inspired a slew of great memes including this one:
In AMERICA (f yeah)…
The NWSL szn is out and SWINGING with the Portland Thorns taking home the Challenge Cup title (beating out our hometown Gotham FC, which is an incredibly story of transformation but, whatever)(swag ass new logo), in a PENALTY SHOOTOUT. Incredible that all the best female soccer players are playing in this league and you’re NOT watching it???? Do you hate women?!?!?!?! (is the MLS also happening? Yes but I can only follow so many MEN, sometimes I need to escape the ever-present patriarchy okay). And when I say all the best, I mean it, with news coming in today that my QUEEN Eugenie LeSommer will be joining the OL Reign (side note I feel like this name is punny because it’s like, Reign, and then they’re based in Tacoma…where it RAINS..get it…) for this szn, playing alongside Bouhaddi (a baddi) and several other superstars. Honestly, pretty much any NWSL you pick has names you’ll know so ADOPT A TEAM and let us know who you’re supporting in comments.
Thanks for reading, and as they say in our hometown…. don’t forget to be awesome! ;)
