We Are (Not) The Champions (Again)
WE’re back or should I say I’m back after vacation (in which I watched 0 sport except for the first leg of PSG-Man City round 1 when it was playing in a bar four days after the fact). Vacation was lovely but, what, I ask you, is a life without my undying fans? And for that reason, and that reason alone I have returned to tell you the latest and greatest of soccer news (spoilers: it’s mostly bad) with a little help from my EXCELLENT sister Katrina. (omg guys i think she liked my blog!!!)
Truth hurts
In The Champions League…
Sigh. Will Mbappe ever hold that beautiful UCL trophy? Not at PSG apparently! After losing the first leg 2-1 (because they FELL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL THE SECOND HALF) and facing the Premier League Champions Elect without Mbappe (hurt leg, legs being essential for gameplay, was out), PSG created very few opportunities, continued to have no midfield, and conceded a goal like…10 minutes into the match. It was also SNOWING smh don’t take me to Manchester. They then proceeded to get absolutely roasted for the rest of the game and receive some red cards in the process! This is supposedly because the ref told Verratti to “fuck off” and Di Maria lost his temper (that latino temperament, as one commentator said! ), but it doesn’t really matter, because at that point, the game was lost anyway. Previous to the game, Neymar supposedly said there was no way he could lose because he was going to DIE ON THE FIELD which led to this great exchange on French radio at the half.
Commentator 1: I have good news and bad news
Commentator 2: go on
Commentator 1: the bad news is we are going to lose this game.
Commentator 2: and the good news??
Commentator 1: Apparently, Neymar will live forever, if his current “death on the field” is to be believed
Now Man City will face Chelsea, who defeated Real Madrid (thank GOD) without any real help from Christian Pulisic, who started on the bench and is NOT happy about it (pouty face!!) Road to Istanbul here we come! An all Premier league final! Hard to believe that this will be Man City’s first ever UCL final, AND at this time last year they were maybe going to be BANNED from the champions league for essentially being entirely funded by the royals of the UAE but, the past is past or is it??! If you want a preview of this match up, be sure to tune into the premier league this saturday, as the two will be playing in Manchester. (fun fact people from manchester are called MANCHURIANS like the candidate?? OR like the baby yoda?)
ok sorry this image is such bad quality but i could not NOT share this photo of a cheeky lad who invaded the stadium, took pics and then FELL OFF THE GOAL POST. a LEGEND. (But we do not condone any violence)
In the Premier League…
If it feels to you like the days of the Super League have come and gone without consequence, may I direct you towards: Manchester United. In a not super shocking turn of events (football fans hold grudges) (and are HOOLIGANS) but a wild level of escalation that was eerily reminiscent of January 6th’s Capitol Riots (minus the whole, racism. Well, I think), fans of Man U STORMED THE STADIUM during the match against Liverpool this past week. This match up, one of the most anticipated games each season and a storied rivalry, was one of few games not to be on peacock this year (picture me excitedly tuning in only to see an empty stadium and i was like is this some kinda peacock joke???) but! It got called off! Because there were PEOPLE ON THE FIELD!!!!! Shit. Is. Wild. IMHO, Man U has now reached an impasse, because even if the Glazers were to sell they would only be replaced by another evil billionaire (perhaps this one who has his hands in too many pots or, this one who might be looking for a new hobby). Anyway ESPN is having a women’s summit in NYC in the next couple weeks and a Glazer is their keynote speaker! #Girlboss!!!!!
Other EPL news: the race is on for the final UCL spot, and the teams in 5th-9th place are neck. in . neck. At the bottom of the table, a large gap separates Fulham & West Brom from survival and it is looking more and more impossible. Let’s cross the channel, shall we?
In France…
Things remain almost as heated as at Old Trafford (that’s Man U’s stadium, all the names sound like an old geezer). Lyon beat Monaco over the weekend, knocking them out of title contention, but still leaving a battle for the final Champion’s League placement. The game was a THRILLER, with 5 goals (Lyon would score, Monaco would equalize, etc. etc) and just as many red cards, because Lyon knows how to fuck with people. Meanwhile, Lille has to win every game and hope for some PSG losses to stay on top (They deserve to win!). PSG faces Rennes this weekend (no slam dunk), Lille faces Lens (a rival, apparently) (yes Elena because they are both in the North and nothing else is there). It’s now down to PSG and Lille.
In Germany…
Well, while I was gone the bundesliga apparently ended???? Just kidding but it might as well have (all my podcasts are slacking). (ELENA i TOLD you this league is BORING AND SENSIBLE just like angela merkel! jk we luv u mutti) Bayern has, unsurprisingly, won. Currently, Dortmund sits in the Europa league spot, and Talking About Haaland is the new Talking About Messi still so the soccer world, ADHD as it is, has forgotten super league woes and is focused on where this super star will head next. Yes, he still has time left in his contract, but he’s probably worth buying it out. That’s pretty much all I got re: the germans for now, because they decided NOT to have a title race like everyone else.
In Spain…
With Real out of the Champions League they now will have to focus all their evil energy on the La Liga Title Race. With only 2 weekends to go, Real & Barcelona are tied (well, tied on points, Real is ahead on goal difference, which is the tie breaker) behind Atletico (Madrid. there’s a bunch of athelticos). Sevilla is also not far behind (4 points) but short of a miracle, they should settle for fourth. At Barcelona, Messi looks as uninspired as I am sure he feels (call it senioritis, he’s ready to leave this hick town and make a name for himself in college! Lmk what frat you think he’d be in, in comments) (my bet is on SigEp). They eked out a 3-2 win over Valencia but honestly, should have done better than that (reminder that GOAL DIFFERENCIAL MATTERS HERE FOLKS!) They face off against Atletico this weekend, in a MUST SEE title race matchup.
In Italy…
Another league that has decided not to have a title race, rudely! Inter Milan are all-but-in-name CHAMPIONS or as we apparently say in eyetalian Campioni D’Italia! Shout out to Christian Eriksen, a little dane with a dream, who has really come into his own at Inter despite some stumbles early on. Is Inter Milan an EXCITING Champion? No, not really, their style of play is pretty simple but they haven’t won since 2010 (which, reminder, was 11 years ago not like…2 which is what I always think) (we are old now) and it’s always good to see Ronaldo lose (they HATE to see a girl boss winning, y’all feel me?). Other exciting news from Italy this week: Jose Mourinho has a NEW job!!!!! At Roma!!!!!!! You know what they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but Jose might destroy it in one. The news of this was received strongly ~mixed reactions, some saying Roma is the perfect club for Mourinho to take over, make a success, and prove he can still do the whole “coaching” thing (debatable), others claim he will take a struggling mess and run it into the ground. Time will tell!
Man City, when someone accuses them of being corrupt
Well friends it was great to come back to such a DRAMA filled week of soccer, but I would be lying if I said my little heart didn’t break for my Parisian boys this past tuesday. It’s like we are the bridesmaids, never the bride. We are the other boleyn girl (didn’t read that book idk if I am using that correctly).(ok elena in the book the thing is you never know which boleyn girl is the OTHER one it’s a story about sisterhood and rivals and JEALOUSY I mean we cannot relate). Maybe if we spent some of the MILLIONS OF DOLLARS that Qatar has to BUY A SINGLE MIDFIELDER things would be different, but what do we know! We are just two girls, standing in front of an oil magnate, asking them to create a winning soccer team. (though i will say, every commentator agrees!)And also to love us, because we want that oil $$$$. Until they listen, we’ll be here whining to all of you. Cheers!
