Swifties Take Football: NFL Week 3
I am. A PUDDLE ON THE FLOOR. I am in DISBELIEF. While I grapple with the reality that Taylor Swift did indeed attend the Chiefs game on Sunday Night, while I confront the shock of this Swift-Kelce romance (she! met! his! mom!), I must admit to myself that in one sense, it was all inevitable. A rising star like Travis Kelce (who had his own reality dating show at one point, hosted a music festival in KC over the summer, and garnered a slew of marketing deals in the off-season) is not going to miss an opportunity to shoot his shot, and Taylor Swift is, above all else, a capitalist. The biggest superstar of our time doing a collaboration with the NFL- which is about 99% of the american media diet is a recipe for success, and after she said no to a Super Bowl Halftime appearance it was only a matter of time until Roger Goodell brokered a different deal with her. I’m KIDDING they’re IN LOVE and this man is CLEARLY CAPABLE of the type of adult mature relationship someone who’s been dating british people for years is looking for, probably:
The Games We Didn’t Watch
Texans 37- Jaguars 17: How the Texans score this many points…incredibly suspicious to me. Very confuserd about what’s going on with the Jags
Colts 22- Ravens 19: Everyone thought this would be a slam dunk for the Ravens, but Anthony RIchardson may be legit?? At the very least back up QB Gardner Minshew is a character you won’t catch us betting against.
Lions 20- Falcons 6: Detroit offense is still a slay! No Notes!
Seahawks 37 - Panthers 27: Carolina is cooooooooked. That’s all you need to know.
Patriots 15 - Jets 10: Pats get their first win, Jets are ass and have since acquired Trevor Siemian, who I am anti because it’s annoying to spell his name. Elena may not have watched this but I did - all you need to know is it’s getting desperate fam
Packers 18 - Saints 17: BRUH. The Saints led this game SEVENTEEN TO ZERO UNTIL THE FOURTH QUARTER. THEY BLEW A SEVENTEEN POINT LEAD!!!!! I hate it here! Our offense does NOTHING! I quit!
Chargers 28 - Vikings 24 : This game had high stakes for both teams, and despite the Chargers best attempt to do some chargering (snatch defeat from the jaws of a victory) by going for it on 4th & 1 at their own 24 yd line— and not getting it, the Vikings OUT CHARGERED them and blew it on that possession.
Dolphins 70 - Broncos 20: I looked at the score for this game and immediately texted Katrina, convinced the ESPN app was glitching. SEVENTY POINTS. THEY LEAD BY 50 POINTS. THEY HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO BREAK THE HIGHEST SCORE EVER (72) WITH A FIELD GOAL AND CHOSE NOT TO because “they’re not here to embarrass teams”. Hilarious! Further hilarity: Sean Payton claiming this was a Super Bowl quality Colorado Side. FURTHER Hilarity: the Colorado Buffaloes also lost brutally over the weekend. FINAL Hilarity: Miami Coach Mike McDaniels is a denver native and a former broncos ball boy, and when they had a coaching vacancy two years ago, they refused to interview him. Embarrassing! I am SO happy for Tua & co, happy for anyone who had Raheem Mostert or Tyreek Hill or any of these dudes on their fantasy teams.
Bills 37 - Commanders 3: Another team who HAD THEMSELVES A DAY, it is safe to say the bills are warming up nicely.
Browns 27 - Titans 3: The Titans are FALLING APART folks! The score of this game may lead you to believe it was a bad week to be a Deshaun Watson hater, but don’t worry, he got slapped with a HUGE fine after facing the steelers, AND he threw the ball backwards on one play. Fuck him!
Steelers 23 - Raiders 18: My sweet italian salami Giuseppe Atalanta Verona Juve Garoppolo got a concussion in this loss and will be out! Tragic! Steelers looked better but Kenny Pickett still unconfirmed.
The Games We Did Watch
49ers 30 - Giants 10
Brock Purdy & his San Fran crew cooking their way straight to the top of everyone’s power rankings. Granted, beating the Giants isn’t that hard, and they haven’t been super tested yet - beating the Steelers and the Rams are just not that impressive in terms of wins, but it’s a credit to them that they are undefeated and their offense looks unstoppable. AND their defense ain’t half bad either, with Nick Bosa leading the charge. Something I gotta add is that Daniel Jones looks perpetually confused. Like i know he had A WEEK last week but he is just a giant (ha) dum doofus.
Chiefs 41 - Bears 10
Ok as mentioned this was the TAYLOR SWIFT NFL DEBUT!!!!! She was IN THE KELCE BOX. She was SITTING NEXT TO DONNA. She was wearing a TO BE RELEASED CHIEFS QUARTER ZIP. She was CLAPPING. She ate a CHICKEN TENDER WITH KETCHUP AND SEEMINGLY RANCH!!!!! I have NO idea why Fox chose to cut away from this thrilling action when the bills were up 34-0 to show a “more competitive game” (more on that below) but good news they did cut back to show us Travis Kelce scoring a touchdown and Taylor reacting with a LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO. Other highlights? Patrick Mahomes said he “knew she was in the building” and so he “had to throw him a TD”- ok taking credit smh! Andy Reid after the game said he set them up (he joke????), rumors spread that when Taylor was at dinner with Sophie Turner earlier in the week she got a text at one point and showed it to the other girls and they all started giggling— you just KNOW that was the “I can fly you out and you can watch the game from my box” text. What else what else…Travis Kelce wanted to go visit her in the box, he wore a 1989 themed set to & from the game, they left in his CONVERTIBLE together to a resturant he BOUGHT OUT. EEEEEEE!!!!!! I love my queen in her athlete era, Travis Kelce has absolutely no idea what he’s getting into, it’s hiddleswift all over again, I am loving every minute, if you’re mad we didn’t say more about the game here, too freaking bad look at the score the bears just suck!!! Taking bets on how long until there is a discussion on whether or not TSwizz does the tomahawk chop!
Cardinals 28 - Cowboys 16
As mentioned, they (the fox broadcast) figured we were not interested in watching the Chiefs pummel Chicago (we were, taylor freakin swift was there) so they flipped to a “more competitive” game where the Cardinals led by 11 going into the half. For some reason the Cardinals seem to have forgotten they’re supposed to be tanking? Backup QB Joshua Dobbs actually had an excellent game, both he and coach Jonathan Gannon notched their first NFL wins in this game. The Cowboys clearly underestimated their opponents here, and their defense struggled in the absence of Treyvon Diggs. Keep the panic meter low, but also keep an eye out because they face the 49ers in 2 weeks. This is the first time the cardinals haven’t blown their first half lead, which is a victory of its own!
Eagles 25 - Buccaneers 11
Biig monday night football double header for the second week in a row! We actually hate this because it means no jeo :(Sadly both these games we totally ass, they refused to score touchdowns, except they actually did score two but they were BORING. There was also a safety scored in this game but I totally missed it, VERY disappointing! A safety and a scorigami in one game….god has truly blessed us this week. Eagles look solid, Baker Mayfield seems happy, Mike Evans is underrated, no other big notes. This game was really lacking a certain….je ne sais quoi, a certain….twelve time grammy winner…
Bengals 19 - Rams 16
The Bengals are no longer being doubted by everyone constantly!!!!! This week we saw further proof that JOe Burrow’s injury is the only ceiling for this team - his limited mobility has them stuck in the pocket and unable to make the snazzy jumpy plays that create their explosive offense. Ja’marr Chase asked Joe to send him some DEEP balls (hehe), which he delivered on a little, but he also reactivated that calf injury and was wearing a therapy sleeve on the sideline. This game was basically all field goals, very boring!
VERY BORING says she, well some of us were in a fantasy matchup for the ages versus our HUSBAND that’s right it is the 2nd Annual Marriage Bowl (Match 1); Ben and I were neck and neck going into this game, and we BOTH had key Cincy players: I have Chase (see above) and he has Mixon, so the question was basically : is Cincy going to throw the ball or run it? Well I won so I think we have our answer! Shoutout to the Husband, a worthy opponent (had either of us been facing anyone else in our league, we would have won by over 20 points respectively…. We cannot be stopped!!!)
Looking Ahead
London games are coming…brace yourselves. There will also be a Disney “Toy Story Cast” of one of the games next week… and Katrina and I have one thing to say about that (we have the same thing to say about that):
