Wild Card Weekend Part 2: WILD THOUGHTS
If you can read or hear the word wild without immediately thinking of Rihanna singing WII WIII WILD then… to be completely honest I pity you. Go listen to the song.. roughly 5 times, then come back and join us in this head space. We will be sharing our Wild Thoughts (as if our takes are anything but) on the Wild Card Wknd Games right here, as we watch them. Yes it will be rambly. Yes it may include us thirsting after Jake from State Farm (sorry but…homie can get it) and thinking about how sports data is super cool but AWS is not a hero and we should not forget that we hate amazon. Let’s dive in!
Colts @ Bills
Bills get home field advantage because they’re a higher seed? Idk. We’re hopping in at the second half here (speak for yourself, I katrina was there for the first half and promptly fell asleep at the start of the 3rd quarter), but what you missed in the first was 1) the colts got a lot a great field positions. 2) they almost got an intercept. they didn’t. 3) they did everything they needed to do but they were still losing at the half. Second half! The Colts continue to wait until the very end of the play clock and it is STRESSING ME OUT. Cold take here but I love Stefon Diggs (any relation to Taye??). Who may or may not have flossed his teeth on TV recently? The colts missed a field goal, oops! They’re slipping baby! They then went for a 2pt conversion and didn’t get it. But then they went for ANOTHER 2pt conversion and they DID get it and the game all of the sudden is NOT OVER? It’s a good day to be a tight end, Currently the commentators are marveling at how speedy their touchdown drive is but, guess what? We have been woke that 95% of this game is STALLING and that these players could go faster if everything wasn’t rigged! Colts QB Rivers did do his damndest to pull off the win with a sprawling hail mary pass with 5 seconds left but, alas, it was not in the cards. The Bills win their first playoff game since 1995- that’s right I WAS NOT EVEN ALIVE! (Meanwhile, a few blocks over, a very confused Katrina wakes up to commentators yelling about the most exciting Wild Card game yet?)
Rams @ Seahawks
Nothing like me being like “this is the least interesting game of the weekend” and then the Rams upsetting the Seahawks! Whoops! Honestly this game did start out pretty freakin wild from the gate, with back up QB starting in lieu of Jared Goff who recently had arm surgery… and then promptly getting smashed in the neck and being out of the game (don’t worry he is ok!). So things didn’t look excellent for the Rams with their starting QB not in tip top shape and their backup QB down for the count and their third QB…non existent, but they pulled it together! Mostly because Russ Wilson had a very very awful game, which never hurts!
Washington @ Bucs
Did I watch this game? No! I can’t watch all the football for you guys, not even on Wild Wild Wild Card Weekend. Also I now have to watch Tom Brady next week so I was not interested in staring at his smug face earlier than I had to. The Bucs won and the Washington football team went home (to reflect on what they have done, and by that I mean, their racist history). Now the Bucs will take on the Saints, who beat them twice in the regular season which, of course, means tom brady will have a blow out win and the Aints will head home in shame.
Titans @ Ravens
Lamar Jackson really came out and told all the pundits who said he “couldn’t win a playoff game” and was like “hey everyone please fuck off!” I mean, honestly fam why so much hate for this dude? He has played two record breaking seasons and lost in the playoffs yes but he’s also 24 and you know what? Sometimes you are 24 and writing a sports blog to fill a void in your life and sometimes you are 24 and leading the ravens to a playoff win. We are all on our own paths ok! Don’t judge Lamar!!! Derrick Henry, meanwhile, was shut down the entire game. He had ZERO FIRST DOWNS!
Bears @ Saints
GEAUX GEAUX GEAUX SAINTS!!!! GUYS!!!! WE DID IT!!!! I am sorry to have had such low expectations for my boys but after watching them play like hot garbage the past 3 years in the playoffs, I really was not expecting anything special. But special they were! Should they have scored more points early on? Yes! But that’s not the point! Alvin Kamara notched a few TDs, Drew tried and failed to reach the football over like twenty people, and in the end, Sean Payton got slimed. Yes, you read that right. SLIMED!!!!! Cheers to whomever partnered this game with Nickelodeon and had incredible graphics of the end zone being slime zone, extra cheers to commentators Nate Burleson & Gabrielle Nevaeh Green who made the game “understandable for kids” aka “understandable for me”. I mean is it a little fucked up to target children as an audience when this game leads to life ruining injuries and CTE? Maybe! But it was still fun!
Special shoutout to our SuperFan Dan, whose wager on this game in favor of the Bears probably caused them to lose. No matter, we’re just happy the blog inspired IRL content!
Browns @ Steelers
Oof. Well, Big Ben shed some Big Tears folks. The Browns proved that they can fight through the mud, and the Steelers offensive woes got the best of them. Katrina: legit, I didn’t watch this game but I was watching ESPN yesterday, saw this news come up and was like wow remember when all the commentators said THE STEELERS ARE 10-0 SUPERBOWL BOUND BABY just goes to show nothing is certain, no one knows anything, and we might all be living in a simulation. The team that almost went undefeated got knocked out in the first round of the playoffs and that’s why it’s called WILD card weekend folks!
