Wild Wild Wild (card) Weekend: Part 1
You really thought we would not take an opportunity to make a Rihanna Reference? Oh honey.
We are woman enough to admit when we have failed. And we failed you dear readers, by not reporting on the final week of the NFL regular season. We were running a marathon and we stopped at the 26th mile, forgetting that little .2 at the end. Well we are being GENTLE and FORGIVING with ourselves in 2021, we are leaving shame in 2021, and to be honest there was a full on SEIGE OF OUR GOVERNMENT THIS WEEK so I think it’s okay.
Apologies aside, if you missed last week’s report, well, you didn’t miss that much. The Browns beat the Steelers but, guess what! You’ll get to watch a replay of that game tomorrow (Sunday) night. The Giants beat the Cowboys and ALMOST made the playoffs but the Eagles lost to Washington and now Washington is in the playoffs. Does this make sense? No! The Giants were also furious at the Eagles (their rivals, for the record) for losing (as if they owe them anything?!?!) when really they need to LOOK AT THEMSELVES and realize they won like 6 games and maybe they didn’t deserve to be in the playoffs?!?!?! Anyway part one of our wild weekend is about the hot/not list (aka who’s in and who’s out) and part 2 will be us actually talking about the games in a semi stream of consciousness way because we are playing fast and loose and WILD!
WHO IS OUT:
In the AFC East: The Jets, who fired coach Adam Gase (who everyone hated) an might choose to take The ohio state QB Justin Fields (who dunked on clemson last week) as their no. 2 draft pick. The Dolphins, and now everyone is questioning if Tua is even good and saying their program is “in crisis”. Hey guys! Let’s maybe give the 22 year old more than like 3 months of playing professional football before we write him off, okay? And the Patriots, for the first time in like…12 years or something. But guess what? We don’t care! They cheat and their owner was a part of a prostitution ring. NEVER FORGET folks.
In the AFC West: Everyone except the Chiefs AKA: The Chargers, even though people are saying (on twitter, the premier location for high brow discussion) that baby QB Justin Hebert did a helluva job. The Raiders, who we have already decided we don’t like. And the Broncos, who are just happy we remembered to put them in this doc.
In the AFC North: Does anyone feel like these divisions are unnecessary and arbitrary? Idk maybe just me. Everyone except the Bengals are going to the playoffs (thinking about Joe Burrow…everyday). The Browns are headed in the playoffs…without their head coach, who tested positive for COVID, the Steelers are coming in with a well rested Big Ben, and the Ravens are here to redeem their flame out from last year. More on that later.
In the AFC South: The Texans, who have successful started a lot of buzz around themselves by disrespecting their QB, and letting Kealia Watt’s husband JJ Watt speak to the press about how no one tried hard enough. The Jaguars, who will be scooping up tasty no. 1 pick Trevor Lawrence (who, like most college football players, is Living For The King).
In the NFC East: As mentioned, the Giants, the Eagles, and the Cowboys. How is Dallas east???? Just make a “middle category! Anyway godspeed to the Washington Football team I guess.
In the NFC West: The Cardinals, who sadly didn’t do enough Hail Murray-ing to sneak their way in, but still have a promising future. The 49ers who you may remember played in the Super Bowl last you, which just goes to show you all that life comes at ya fast. And by life, I mean 350lb linebackers from opposing teams that injure your entire offensive line.
In the NFC North: The Lions, to…no ones surprise. The Vikings, which is a relief for me as a Saints fan. Oh also, one Vikings player had an incentive in his contract for an EXTRA MILLION DOLLARS if he played like a certain percentage of their plays in the season and since he sat out on the COVID List last week, he missed out on his bonus. Which fucking SUCKS. These contracts are WACK.
In the NFC South: The Panthers who I did not watch once and I couldn’t tell you much about (they may have fired their coach now? Idk everyone’s getting fired now it’s a lot of hot seats and hot tempers) and the Falcons, who no one is sorry to see go.
WHO’S IN: THE GIRLS GUIDE TO WILD CARD WEEKEND
The Colts face off against The Bills, who’s QB Josh Allen has had an AMAZING season. He zooms! He throws! Most surprisingly, he COMPLETES throws! People are saying they are the Team To Beat and, if you’re not already committed to anyone else, the Team To Adopt. No offense Indy, but we are leaning buffalo here, but I am also writing this while the Bills are down 3pts, so anything could happen! It is called WILD card weekend for a reason folks!
The Rams looks to take down The Seahawks, who have not been letting Russ Cook because…well he keeps burning shit. The Seahawks offense has transformed into way more of a running game after Wilson kept getting shut down, which cannot be fun for him. IMHO this is the least interesting game of the weekend.
The Bucs will look to dunk on The Washington Football Team, or as they have taken to calling themselves, The Footballers (which tbh I…love?). We are rooting for Washington, because their coach has cancer and their QB beat cancer and we are ANTI CANCER in this house! Also, in the words of Jon Lovett: Tom Brady, I haven’t forgotten the mouth kiss, I haven’t forgotten the Trump hat, and I haven’t forgotten the cheating.
On Sunday, aka WILD WILD WILD (Card) WEEKEND DAY 2, The Titans face off against The Ravens, hoping to repeat last season’s upset. Basically they need Derrick Henry to be Derrick Henry and the need Lamar Jackson NOT to be Lamar Jackson. I like everyone involved here, it is arguably the most contentious game of the weekend, and I just hope they all remember to have fun.
In a game that has spurred our blog’s first ever GAMBLING PROPOSAL (!!!!!!!) The Bears, who in my opinion (and as we know, no other opinion matters) do not deserve to be here, will attempt to upset The Saints. One of our readers (who was NOT our mom so HAH we have at least 2 readers!) offered to put $25 on the Bears winning if I was game to do the same for the Saints. Yes the money will go to charity, because we are good people. Please gamble responsibly! But no one else bet too much money on the Saints because I don’t want you jinxing my boys, who managed a win last week despite not having any receivers (thanks COVID! More accurately thanks to the COVID in Alvin Kamara!). Here’s hoping Drew is having a good day and Kamara is back and Michael Thomas doesn’t fight anyone before then. GOD WILLIN AND THE CREEK DON’T RISE: GEAUX. SAINTS.
Lastly, perhaps least, The Browns will make their first playoff appearance in…awhile, and try to repeat week 17’s win against The Steelers, which is unlikely. But we are not counting them out! The steelers offense has struggled (as everyone talks about...constantly). They also will be playing without their head coach, who has COVID. oops!
Are you thinking…hey guys what about the Chiefs? What about the Packers, and Aaron Rodgers who has churned out a pretty freakin MVP worthy season? Well those two lucky kiddos get to skip all the WILDERNESS of this weekend, clinching a bye and home field advantage by being the top seed and the AFC and NFC (respectively). Yes, this playoff structure is stupid. Yes, almost half of the teams qualified, including several with shitty records.
Ok we are done prepping you now… quick! quick like a bunny go turn on the espn MEGACAST (had to include that word in this post) and start watching some playoff football!!! Anything can happen!!!! This is the moment we have been training for!!!!!!!!!
