Muppet Night: NFL Week 15
Folks, we’re reaching a point of desperation. I (Katrina) truly cannot believe I am still having to watch football. It feels like this season, like all of 2020, has been 200 years long. The nights have been getting longer, the darkness feels interminable BUT THEN THIS WEEK, like the Solstice, like a planetary convergence in the sky, the NFL gifted us with the most precious gift of all : MUPPET NIGHT FOOTBALL.
Do I know why Kermit and Miss Piggy were introducing the Monday game? Or why there was a Muppet version of Carol of the Bells? No, I don’t AND I DON’T CARE. This was everything I ever wanted. I have never related more to ANYONE as I did when Animal performed his song “FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL” (honestly sounds about the same as the normal commentators). Motion to make the Muppets permanent features of the NFL! This is the content I care about!
IN MORE TRAGIC news (is it maybe insensitive to use the word tragic given the current circumstances? Yes but hyperbole is all I have left!), I lost in the first round of fantasy playoffs. It’s been a good run for my first year. There’s been highs, there’s been lows; I’ve gotten weirdly attached to my players (special shout out to Josh Allen, MVP of my team, for coming through for me!). While this hasn’t dimmed my love for George Kittle, I am rather pissed that he’s been benched all season only to come back this week after I already LOST smh. Now, I have one less reason to be invested which is saying something since I was already doing the bare minimum.
In the games we didn’t watch, the Jets have made the grave mistake of Winning A Game, putting their bid for Prettiest Girl At The Party Trevor Lawrence in jeopardy. The Bucs came from behind to beat the falcons (aka the Tom Brady Special), and the Patriots are out of the playoff race after losing to the dolphins (or, as the NYTimes reported it, a dynasty has fallen). Carson Wentz has announced he is not interested in being a second string quarterback (probably because he is already second string in his family, to his brother, Pete) but the Eagles have a very expensive contract with him so...they’re in a jam.
GAMES WE WATCHED
Live footage of us watching & heckling football
Cowboys 41 49ers 33
Battle of the backup QBs! Luck of the Irish Andy Dalton played significantly better than Nick Mullens, who has gone 8 games in a row with 2 or more turnovers (not great). Mullens did do a GREAT job of wearing his mask on the sideline though, and for that we have no choice but to stan. Meanwhile none of the fans in the Cowboys stadium had masks on, yet they led for the entire game...leading me to believe that following COVID protocol might make you a worse football team. At one point in this game Jourdan Lewis (Dallas) got the ball and snuck through a hole in the 49ers defense and the commentators said “that’s the second play in a row Lewis has gotten penetration” and I chuckled. That’s it, that’s my whole analysis.
Chiefs 32 Saints 29
According to literally everyone this was the GAME to WATCH this week and luckily I did! Sadly it ended poorly for the Saints, even with Drew Brees returning from his big rib injury. People kept saying he looked rusty and I was like, duh? Have you ever taken three weeks off from exercising? It sucks to be out of shape! And if I feel that way at 24 imagine how drew feels at 42! Mostly, the Saints failed to contain the Chiefs running game early on, and then the Chiefs just kinda... curb stomped us. Hopefully if this matchup happens again (like, for example, in Tampa, in February, just manifesting that into existence), the Saints will learn from their mistakes. They’ll also have Michael Thomas back (who by my count has played like... 2 games this season), who they benched to save for the playoffs. This game and the continued success of the Chiefs has made everyone say that OFFENSE wins championships. Which is a WILD TAKE that goes against EVERYTHING we know! But it also kind of makes sense this season (as you may recall this season is crazy what with the no preseason and the many injuries and you know, a pandemic). Offenses are scoring on average 2pts more per half (probably all of those SAFETIES being scored amiright), everyone is going for it on fourth down, interceptions are at an all time low… so it’s big offensive hours. The only two teams that are built around a defense are the Colts (who are doing... ok) and the Steelers (see below).
Muppet Night Football (Katrina)
(apparently the Steelers and the Bengals played but all eyes were on the Muppets so I totally forgot who the teams were and had to look it up before writing!)
According to the experts, the Steelers have fallen off the horse and are now looking “ all over the place” as they’ve lost their past 3 games; a take I could confirm after watching them lose to the Bengals (well, watching half of them losing to the Bengals, just because ya girl is on vacay does not mean she’s abandoned her strict bedtime!). They literally DROPPED the ball a few times (leading to a HILARIOUS replay that was just a close up of butts). They’ve now dropped to the 3rd seed in the AFC North (don’t ask me to explain that I cannot) which is bad news bears for playoff chances. Now they have to “put in the work” (I mean, aren’t we all ~doing the work~ right now? ) if they want to have a shot at ~the Playoffs~ . WHEN ARE THESE GOD DAMN PLAYOFFS I SWEAR this buildup is more drawn-out than the pre-PS5 release!
The bad news, or good news I guess if you actually like watching football, is that this week there are games FOUR DAYS IN A ROW. So once you’ve opened all your presents (and no, do not feel obligated to get us anything, it would be too much! Just donate money to a cause in our name, thanks!!!), and BEFORE you get Christmas Drunk, you can tune in to watch Christmas Day football. There’s also games on Saturday (on the NFL network...which I do not understand), and of course, Sunday. And yes, it does feel like the NFL is encroaching on every single day of the week and no, we are not about it.
