A Guide to European Soccer in 2021
The Transfer Market Giveth, The Transfer Market Taketh Away
Soccer is BACK in Europe, and, as you learned from our EMERGENCY SOCCER POST just a few weeks ago, a LOT has changed over the summer. Actually, a lot is STILL changing, because apparently every striker in the game has decided to go on an ego trip and it’s impossible to keep up with this drama.We don’t have time to have you meet every single team all over again (there are like a million!), but we’re going to introduce you to each of the big leagues, let you know what to expect, and name drop some hotties very talented athletes to keep an eye on. Luckily, you should be familiar with a lot of these folks after reading last year’s Premier League primer, and reading our intro to the euros, and reading all of our weekly soccer posts from last season (see: here to find them in one place), but in case you can’t keep your Reals & Rennes straight, or you’re mixing up your Borussias & your Brightons, we’ve got your back.
The Premier League
We said farewell to Fulham, Sheffield United & West Brom at the end of last year, and welcomed back Norwich, Brentford, and Watford. Definitely keep an eye on those folks as they campagin to remain in the top tier. As for the top of the table, you should know: Manchester City (reigning champs, added to their wealth by securing Jack Grealish over the summer, and are now in talks with Ronaldo), Manchester United (finished second, spent the summer getting CRAZY hot aka buying Raphael Varane & Jordan Sancho), Chelsea (still trying to figure out who they are with their german daddy Thomas Tuchel, they won the Champion’s League last year and got back together with their ex, Belgian star Romelu Lukaku), and Liverpool (who did nothing all summer, barely snuck into the Champion’s League at the end of last season, but Klopp is sticking to his guns). That’s what we’re looking at as the TOP TIER of the Premier League: they’ve got cash, they’ve got hot players, they’ve got fans. The next tier: Tottenham Hotspurs (who basically begged their hot bf Harry Kane not to dump them), Arsenal (who used to be great and now nobody knows what’s going on over there, their saving grace right now is that their coach is model hot), Leicester City (who, arguably could be top tier, but they tend to be hit or miss), West Ham (who had a surprisingly great season last year, but will have to bring their A game to become a contender) and the Wolverhampton Wanderers (a team that hit puberty and needs to start wearing a training bra, but hasn’t figured that out quite yet). Then there are a bunch of middle ish of the table teams that have the potential to upset a favorite or slide so far south that they enter the relegation zone: Everton, Crystal Palace, Newcastle, Southhampton, Aston Villa, Burnley & my former adopted team of Leeds (I’m all in on the Brentford bees now, sorry boys! gotta spread the love!).
La Liga
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? If a Barcelona FC puts 11 players on the pitch but one of them isn’t Lionel Messi, does it make a soccer match? The answer, so far, is a maybe, but it’s safe to say that La Liga is down pretty bad at the moment. Joke is on ESPN, who shelled out a h*ck ton for broadcasting rights, only to have the biggest star in the world leave the league, but, if there is one thing you can count on in the Spanish league (spoiler: it’s NOT financial stability) it is SPICINESS. La Liga definitely is keeping things spicy even with many of their big names moving on to brighter places- the Barcelona team particularly looked solid in their opening match. I mean, they’ve got a squad of babies (and Grizou, and Depuy, and maybe Lacazette from Arsenal if they play their cards right), and $0 in the bank account, so their theme song unforutnately is that Khalid song Young, Dumb, and Broke, but at least they’re having a bit of fun. Not having fun: Real Madrid, who, let’s just say, are going through a rough patch. supposedly they offered 160 million Euros for Mbappe and were immediately rejected…that’s harsh. But the talks (and the drama) continue there, so stay tuned for probably another eight or so emergency soccer posts before the transfer window closes. As we learned at the end of last year when there was an unexpected title race because Atletico blew their lead, anyone could be a star here in La Liga. Speaking of Atleti, they’re looking sharp and have a chance to repeat as champions, as long as they learned some lessons from last year, and Luis Suarez keeps his teeth to himself (we will never not make a biting joke when talking about this man, do not ask us to stop, we will not).
Ligue 1
Bonjour my little baguettes! The sun is shining, all French people are on vacation this month, and oh! did I mention that our very own Paris Saint Germain purchased Lionel Messi? The greatest soccer player in the world? I mean, we might not even get to see him play with Mbappe (who apparently speaks spanish now and aggressively wants out) which is upsetting, but I cannot dwell in the negative right now! We also finally got a midfielder (hello Georginio Wijnaldum!), Sergio Ramos, and Italian goalie Donnarumma (who we may have gotten just so no one else could have him, who knows- Keylor Navas is definitely feeling the pressure though, and he’s yet to keep a clean sheet this szn). This is what happens when you (the rest of Ligue 1) get greedy and don’t let PSG win: They take out their big bag of Qatari cash and make it rain on the title hopes of everyone else. Speaking of Qatari Cash: see here. Speaking of everyone else: their summers were not AS productive. Lyon lost Memphis DePuy (I think he had to leave Ligue 1 once fellow Dutchman Wijnaldum arrived, they must have some sort of Harry Potter/Voldemort prophecy where neither can live in France while the other survives) , Lille has lost their opening two matches, and Marseille- well OM is kind of a hot mess (don’t even get me started on their jerseys), but they also tend to thrive when everything is going wrong for them, so there’s a possibility they’ll be amazing. Someone to watch: Nice who stole Lille’s coach after last season (a season they won, btw), and have come out STRONG, putting a dynamic duo on the attack and challenging their opponents. While the Players have been stars for Nice, their fans have been...very not nice! This past weekend there was a BRAWL at the southern derby after Nice Fans threw BOTTLES at an OM Player (which prompted him to throw one back, which prompted the fans to storm the pitch, which then led to the teams being sent off and the game ending abruptly.)- Who says Ligue 1 is a snore? OH also, Ligue 1 is at war with FIFA right now because of World Cup Qualifying drama, which is a whole other ordeal (seriously, the first two weeks of this season have been like a real housewives reunion and we are your Andy Cohen. Send help), but, in short: COVID, no one wants to travel, the season just started and theres going to be an international break for world cup qualifying matches, which might get extended, which no one is haPpy about, cue theatrics.
The Bundesliga
Europe’s most forgettable league! Bayern Munich, reigning champions (like a million times in a row, probably), are hoping that Lewandowski will be able to lead them to their 10th straight title. As he proved last year, and a little bit for Poland over the summer, this man is not afraid to carry a team on his back! He scores so! many! goals! He did announce that he is looking to parlay that success elsewhere- the Lionel Messi of it all might’ve gotten to him- but he’s strapped in for this season and he’ll probably want to scoop up as many trophies as he can if this is a farewell tour. But supposedly, Bayern is not what they used to be, and, if you remember from last season, everyone switched coaches like a game of musical chairs, so there is a lot left up in the air here. The new Bayern Coach, Julian Nagelsmann (formerly of RB Leipzig) needs some time to start a new system, so they may sacrifice themselves this year (and by that I mean probably win all the cup trophies still) in order to INVEST in the FUTURE. Meanwhile, RB Leipzig is kinda a mess and Dortmund might TAKE THE TITLE (idk, maybe not, the fellas on my podcast were very divided about this).
Serie A
Mambo Italiano baby! Listen, could you argue that there was a mass exodus of talent from Serie A over the summer? Could we say that Juventus, the only team to maintain its talent and the archetypal Football Giant of the league is poised to make a return to the top, much to the dismay of underdogs everywhere? Yes. Yes we could. But we’re trying to be more positive, we’re punching up, so let’s focus on the good news, shall we? Remember how Italy WON THE EUROS?!?!?!!?!? Mamma Maglione! Well if you enjoyed all the Very Italian Content that came out of that tournament, then look no further than Serie A, where there WILL be drama (read: Jose Mourinho). I do think there might be a proper title race here this season, since teams like Atalanta have been steadily growing the past few years, Juventus has most of the Italian National team stars you know & love (Chiesa, Locatelli, Chiellini, Bonucci, Limguine, Spaghetti, etc etc), and Milan is trying to get their sh*t together. Also, this league is just wild to watch in general. I mean, I know it sucks to have ronaldo tap out (was it the awful jerseys? Who knows) but, who do you trust to produce more drama: A portugese dude player with a bunch of english blokes, or some kooky italians? I’ll see you in Roma ladies!
What to Expect when you’re Expecting (Content)
A programming note for the fans! We will be continuing the Grand Tradition (that we started halfway through the season last year) of doing a weekly soccer round up. I mean, surely, no one reads all of them, but we like to be a little reliable in at least one part of our lives, and so we’re doing it here on the blog. Expect these round ups to drop on Wednesdays or Thursdays. You can keep an eye out for the AMERICAN futbol- no, sorry FOOTBALL roundups on TUESDAYS (because there are like 8 million games a week god who knows), and if you’re worried that you’re not prepared for all these sports to be happening- don’t stress! We’re here to help. Our NFL Preview will be dropping soon, and in the meantime, feel free to buff up on our gridiron drinking game, which has been UPDATED, and can be found HERE.
